Luke continues to glide in and out of me slowly. At one point, he lifts his head and I catch a better look of his face illuminated by the streetlight streaming through the window. His handsome face looks different and I don’t like what I see there. Gone is the adoration I’ve grown used to seeing. I can’t even see the lust. It’s all been replaced by a veil of worry.
“I love you.” His words reach out to me, searching for reassurance. His slow pace tonight is as much for him as it is for me. He’s simultaneously trying to convince me we can recover from this and attempting to remember what we used to feel like. I close my eyes, afraid the intensity of this moment is becoming too much.
“Jessica.” Luke’s voice is pleading. “Please look at me.”
I keep them shut. “I can’t.” Tears build behind my eyelids.
He lowers his mouth and takes my earlobe between his lips. “I’m yours. I will always be yours,” he whispers into my ear.
I squeeze my eyes shut tighter as he kisses my neck and smooths my hair away from my face. Images of us flash through my head. Images of our first date, our first kiss, of him showing up at the winery, of the afternoon he proposed to me in the same spot we met as young, idealistic teenagers. It doesn’t escape my attention that none of the images are of a future with him. A tear rolls down the side of my temple.
Luke wipes it away with his thumb and stops moving.
I place my hand on his. “Please don’t stop.”
Luke doesn’t say anything as he resumes. I moan and grab him, pulling him deeper inside of me. My encouragement works, and he grunts and picks up the pace.
When he comes he groans loudly. Instead of collapsing on me he continues to move slowly, in and out. I think he’s waiting for me to open my eyes, but I never do. I need a few more minutes to live in this moment and not in our reality.
He leans down and brushes his lips against mine. “I will choose you every time,” he whispers before pulling out of me, leaving room for the insecurity to flood back in.
I thought Luke’s return to San Francisco would give me some time to digest and settle into the knowledge of his son. I hoped it would give me time to accept the situation. I wasn’t expecting to be excited about the idea, but I did hope the hollow, hopeless feeling in the pit of my stomach would dissipate. Unfortunately, I only feel myself growing more resentful with each passing day.
Luke never brings up the baby or Claire and he only talks about either one of them in short sentences when I mention them. This makes me feel like I can’t bring them up, either. It’s hard to feel connected to a situation no one wants to talk about.
It’s been a week and a half. Ten days of physical and emotional distance. Luke arrived this morning for the finance meeting we have scheduled with Mrs. Bianchi. He stopped by my office before the meeting but left fifteen minutes later with some excuse of needing to talk to Monica, our marketing manager, about something. The truth is, we couldn’t think of anything else to say to each other.
I arrive in the conference room five minutes before the meeting is due to start. Luke and Aaron are already seated at the long table, phones in hand.
“Good afternoon, Jessica.” Aaron stands and approaches, arms outstretched. Luke smiles lightly when our eyes meet but he doesn’t say anything.
“Hi, Aaron,” I say as we hug our hellos. “How are you?”
“I’m good. So, you two excited about your trip?’ he asks, releasing me.
“Yeah,” I answer with forced enthusiasm. It’s a trip Luke and I planned last year, before the miscarriage. We’re leaving tomorrow morning to spend a long weekend on Catalina to celebrate Valentine’s Day.
Catalina is a small island off the coast. We had originally planned to hole up in our rental most of the time, enjoying each other’s company, but after the heaviness of our last sexual encounter, I wish we had planned some outdoor activities. I’m envisioning three long days making awkward small talk about the weather and local cuisine with a man who I was planning on marrying in a few months.
Thankfully, I don’t have to think about it too long as Mrs. Bianchi pushes open the conference door and effectively begins the meeting.
I present the financials to the group and listen politely while they discuss some legal issues pertaining to the expansion. The original plans, the ones that Luke and Aaron invested in, have been amended several times due to constraints imposed by the city. It’s delayed the project, but that hasn’t deterred Luke and Aaron in the slightest. To the contrary, the extra time has allowed them to formulate ideas for an even larger expansion.
I do my best to follow what the others are saying, but I’m having trouble staying focused. Thankfully no one asks me any questions I can’t readily answer.
The meeting concludes, and Luke follows me back to my office to get my stuff.
“I have to take this,” he announces when his phone rings as I’m gathering my belongings. “I’ll meet you at the house?”
“Yeah.” My heart sinks knowing this weekend won’t be the romantic one we envisioned when we planned it.
I pull into the driveway and see Luke sitting in his car and still talking on the phone. I go ahead inside and pour myself a glass of wine.
A few minutes later I hear the door leading to the garage open and then close.
“Sorry about that.” Luke is trying to hide his anger, but I notice his clenched fists.
“What’s wrong?”
“Too many things.”
I nod. “Wine?” I raise my glass so he can see the burgundy liquid.
“No thanks.” Luke tugs roughly at his tie to loosen it. “There’s something I need to tell you.”
“Something I’m obviously not going to want to hear.”
“No, it’s not.” Luke scrunches his brow.
I take a large mouthful of wine and as if on second thought Luke takes the glass from my hand and takes a drink as well.
“That was Claire.” Luke hands the glass back to me.
I change my mind, I don’t like when Luke brings her up. “Oh,” I say, wishing I could’ve thought of something better.
“She picked a name for the baby.”
I set the wine on the counter. It feels like my stomach has fallen somewhere between my heeled feet. “What is it?”
“Before I tell you, I want to say, I tried to change her mind. She wasn’t receptive, but I’ll have another conversation with her. I’ll get her to change it.” Luke tries to sound confident, but I’m not sure even he’s buying it.
I squeeze my eyes shut. I can only think of one name that Luke would ask her to change. One name he’d be so nervous to share with me. “She’s naming him Jackson?” I punctuate my statement like a question even though I don’t need confirmation to know I’ve guessed correctly.
“Yes,” Luke says, a mixture of anger and apprehension apparent, even in his one word answer.
I stand with my eyes closed for seconds that feel like hours.
“Jessica?” Luke asks tentatively.
“What, Luke?” I snap, and my eyelids fly open.
Luke seems to be searching for words he can’t find, so he just stares waiting for me to say something else.
“I don’t know what you’re expecting me to say,” I say when I grow tired of his watchful eyes.
“I don’t, either.” Luke rakes a hand through his hair. “I’ll talk to her.”
“Of all the boys names, she chose that one.” I try to laugh at my horrible misfortune, but it comes out crackly, making me sound deranged.
“It was her father’s name.” Luke offers an explanation I don’t want. I don’t want him to be able to justify the name.
I pick up the glass and take a drink accepting my defeat. “This is perfect.”
“It’s only a name.” Luke attempts to downplay something he knows is a big deal.
&nbs
p; “Only a name?” I narrow my eyes at him.
“I mean, we don’t even know if our baby was a boy or a girl.”
I shake my head in disbelief. “Are you actually suggesting that I’m overreacting?”
“No.” Luke shifts his eyes downward.
“Do you really think that naming your new baby the name we picked out for our baby is fine?” I glare at Luke until he looks at me.
“I didn’t pick the name and it’s not okay, I know that.” He nods and speaks in a soothing tone.
I down the remaining contents of the wine glass and take off toward the stairs.
“Wait.” Luke trails after me.
“For what? For you to tell me everything is going to be okay? It’s not,” I yell over my shoulder.
“I’ll talk to her,” Luke repeats, as if that’s going to solve things.
“It doesn’t fucking matter.” My cracking voice gives away the emotions I was trying to conceal until I had a moment of privacy.
Luke grabs my elbow and I yank it forward from him. “It does matter. I’ll fix this.”
I spin around to face him. “The name is important to her, too.” I freeze as reality hits me, threatening to knock me off my feet. “There’s no way to fix this. There’s no way to make this okay.”
“I’ll make her understand why she can’t pick that name.”
I shake my head. “You don’t get it, it’s not just the name Luke. It’s everything. I can’t be a part of this.”
“I will make this work, I promise you.” Luke eyes me with such conviction that I almost believe him.
“Don’t you see? I’m jealous and angry all the time. This isn’t the person I want to be.”
“I know—”
“No, you don’t,” I interrupt him. “I’m not happy for you, not in the slightest. This should be a happy moment for you and it’s awful for me. We can’t continue to merely coexist like this. I’m not going to be responsible for ruining this for you.”
“You’re not ruining it.” Luke doesn’t sound as convincing this time as he stares up at the ceiling.
“I am. This isn’t a healthy relationship for either one of us anymore.”
Luke’s head jerks down and he levels me with stare that causes me to flinch. “What are you saying?”
I pause and try to catch my breath. Knowing what I need to say and actually saying it are two very different things. “I love you, Luke, and I promise I’ve been trying.” I slide the ring off my left hand. “I’m drowning, and I’ll take you down with me.”
“Stop,” Luke says forcefully as he grabs my hand.
“I’m sorry, Luke, but someone has to be the one to call it.” My voice catches at the end of my sentence, but I force myself to keep speaking. “You’re going to be a great father and you should go and enjoy that.”
“Yes, but I’m also going to be a great husband to you. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.”
“I know you don’t see it yet, but this is the right decision.”
“So just like that you give up on me?” Luke scowls.
I get the ring off and try to hand it to him, but he takes a step backwards. “Luke, don’t make this harder than it already is.”
“You don’t know how this is going to unfold. You’ll feel different once everything settles down. Once the baby is here, we can work through it.”
“That baby doesn’t deserve to have someone in his life that resents his existence. I can’t heal like this and you can’t be the father you need to be with me in the picture. You need to go be a dad and I need to figure out where I go from here.” I tilt my head down when the anguish in his eyes threaten to obliterate the flimsy resolve driving me forward.
Luke grabs my face and forces me to look at him. “Don’t do this,” he pleads.
The tears begin to stream in a steady flow down my cheeks. “I have to.”
“No, you don’t. Why do you think ending things is your only choice?” Luke’s voice grows stronger, more defiant.
“Because you won’t.” I close my eyes. “Let me go, Luke.”
“No,” he asserts. When I don’t open my eyes or respond, he reluctantly drops his hands and paces the hallway. After several minutes he stops in front of me, his eyes flash with anger. “Tell me how I’m supposed to do that. Tell me how I’m supposed to let the woman I love go.”
“I don’t know.” I don’t know how either of us are supposed to move on, but I do know what we’re doing right now is hurting both of us. “Goodbye, Luke.” I hold out the ring to him once again and look down. If I look at him, I’ll start crying again. Eventually his fingers brush against mine and he takes it.
I listen as his heavy footsteps trudge down the stairs. I hear the jingling of his keys as he grabs them from the counter. The door is forcefully shut behind him, leaving me alone to suffer through my choice. A choice that feels logical and right in so many ways but causes me to drop to the floor and grieve.
Chapter 6
“Hello, ladies.” Emily slides into the booth next to Vivien.
“Hey, Em,” we both say at the same time. We don’t bother to point out that she’s fifteen minutes late, as per usual.
The waitress returns with the nachos we’d already ordered.
“What can I get you to drink, ma’am?”
“Ma’am? I have a birthday and get a boyfriend and I’m a ma’am now?” Emily hangs her head in mock shame.
“Ignore her. She’ll have a Cadillac margarita,” I say, causing Emily to lift her head and smile sweetly at the waitress.
“So, why are you hiding the new boyfriend from us?” Vivien asks. Emily started dating Rob a couple of weeks ago. She’s had several boyfriends since we’ve known her, so at first we didn’t think much of it, but she’s different with him. The mere fact that she hasn’t tried to share any sex stories about him with us speaks to the seriousness of the relationship.
“You’ll meet him soon. He’s been super busy with some big project at work. I don’t know, it all kind of flew over my head when he tried to explain it to me.” Emily takes a chip from the plate and pops it in her mouth.
“What kind of engineer is he again?” Emily has told me several times, but I can never remember.
Emily finishes chewing. “Chemical.”
“Speaking of chemicals, Ed wanted me to ask you for your pool guy’s info. Apparently, he’s too busy to take care of it anymore.”
“I’ll text it to you.” I take a sip of my margarita.
“He would have plenty of time if his mother would stop asking him to come do things at her house.” Vivien rolls her eyes. Ed’s mother moved into the house down the street from them two weeks ago and ever since I’ve been getting daily texts from Vivien, venting about the effect it’s having on their marriage.
“She lives alone, Viv, I’m sure a mother asking her son for help isn’t unusual.” Emily winks at me. Vivien is usually the calm, responsible one in our trio, but not so when she gets talking about her mother-in-law. Emily doesn’t want Vivien totally worked up, but there’s a part of her that enjoys seeing a little fire in her.
“I don’t mind him helping her, but does she have to cook for him every time?” Vivien’s pitch rises.
“Some moms like to cook.” Emily shrugs.
“No. She’s trying to make me feel bad. She doesn’t think I take care of her son properly,” Vivien shrieks, and Emily suppresses a smile.
“I’m sure she doesn’t mean it like that.” I’m not sure if she does or not, though. I do know that she’s offered several times to give Vivien some “wife” lessons, as she called them. She told her that girls these days aren’t raised with the skills needed to maintain a proper household. Emily and I thought it was hysterical and came up with our own list of “wife” duties that may be included in the tutorial. Vivien was not amused, espe
cially when Emily mentioned “the art of a perfect blow job” as a potential course.
“She sent him home yesterday with a full pan of lasagna and a dozen cookies.” Vivien sounds exasperated.
“That’s great, you didn’t have to cook dinner.” I say.
“I’ve gained ten pounds since she moved in.” Vivien looks at me pointedly.
Emily can’t hold back anymore. She lets out the laughter she’s been trying to suppress. She’s always had an infectious laugh. I join in first, and within seconds Vivien has joined in, too.
“It’s a real problem. I can’t fit in the new jeans I bought a couple months ago.” Vivien complains between her giggles.
Our laughter dies down and Emily changes the subject. “How are you doing, Jess?”
It’s been a month since Luke left my house with the ring and my future.
“Hanging in there.” I shrug. “I haven’t had to see him at work yet, so that’s helped.”
“Have you talked to him?” Vivien asks.
After I refused to answer his personal calls and texts in the days following the breakup, Luke grew angry enough to suspend all work communication as well. All business was initiated by Aaron during that period. Eventually he needed information from me when Aaron was unavailable, so he broke down and sent me a very professional email with his request. We’ve kept all conversation since then to business matters only. “Only about work stuff.”
“Do you regret ending things with him?” Vivien asks seriously.
“It was inevitable,” I say quickly. I’ve been avoiding this conversation as much as possible because every time I have it, I second guess my decision.
“But you miss him?” Emily asks.
“Every day,” I admit. “Eventually, I’ll have to see him at the winery. I’m not sure how I’m going to handle it.”
“That sounds awful.” Vivien looks sympathetic. “I can’t imagine if something were to happen to Ed and me and then I still had to see him.”
“Do you know when he’ll be in town next?” Emily leans in slightly.
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