“Wow. Who knew getting knocked up was the way to get on her good side?” Emily smirks.
Vivien nods. “Right? She called me earlier to ask about my favorite foods. She wants to start bringing over dinner at least three nights a week.”
“I’m so jealous. I want someone to feed me and take me shopping. Maybe I need to get pregnant.” Emily laughs.
Vivien and I pause and look at each other.
“What?” Emily frowns. “I’m not allowed to have kids?”
“Of course you are, you’ve just never expressed any interest.” I take a sip of my drink.
“I believe the exact words were ‘I’ll give up sleep for sex and sometimes even sex for sleep, but I’m not giving them both up.” Vivien points at Emily.
“I’m allowed to change my mind.” Emily shrugs her shoulders and dismissively waves a hand in the air.
“Have you?” I cock my head to one side.
“Have I what? Changed my mind about kids?” Emily shrugs again. “Maybe. I mean with the right person, yeah.”
I grin at her. “And is Rob the right person?”
“He could be.” Emily tries to hide her smile behind her cup, but we both see it.
“I can’t believe it!” Vivien tosses her head back in laughter. “Is our perpetually carefree friend finally ready to settle down?”
“Slow down. I’m ready to entertain the idea, not go wedding dress shopping.” Emily raises a hand indicating her reluctance to go too far down the happily ever after trail.
“First babies, now wedding dresses…you’re going to give Vivien a heart attack.” I see Vivien’s wide smile and know how relieved she is. We’ve had conversations where she’s expressed concern over Emily ending up alone. I haven’t worried because Emily has always seemed happy.
“Maybe one day I’ll elope and show up for dinner with a ring and a husband.” Emily laughs.
“That’s not funny.” Vivien frowns at her. “I fully expect for you to pick out some hideous bridesmaid dresses for us to wear because you think it’ll be funny.”
Emily laughs. “You know me too well. Fine, no eloping, but I need to figure out my job situation before anything else.”
“Speaking of jobs, when are you going to tell Luke you’ve changed your mind?” Vivien looks concerned.
“You’re staying at the winery?” Emily’s eyes widen.
“I was thinking about it, but now I don’t know.”
“Jessica…” Vivien drags my name out.
“What did I miss?” Emily looks back and forth between us.
“Jessica decided she wants to stay but didn’t tell Luke so he wrote her a letter of recommendation and is starting to look for her replacement,” Vivien summarizes.
“So?” Emily looks confused. “He wants her to stay, he’ll be happy.”
“Exactly.” Vivien looks pleased that Emily is agreeing with her.
“Maybe I haven’t been able to find the words to tell him because deep down I think it would be a mistake to stay?”
“Or maybe you’re worried that by staying you’ll be forced to figure out your relationship with him.” Vivien looks at me pointedly and Emily nods in agreement.
“You’re right.” I admit. We sit in silence for a moment while I think. These women will reject any half-hearted answer I spit out too quickly. “Something’s different about him. He seems, I don’t know, more mature maybe?” I take a sip of tea. “Or maybe I’m different? While I know the miscarriage will stay with me forever, it doesn’t feel as overwhelming, as suffocating as it did in the beginning.”
“What about his son and Claire? Do you think you could be a part of that?” Emily asks cautiously.
“Not so long ago, I couldn’t even picture a scenario where that would work.”
“And now?” Vivien asks.
“I don’t know, maybe?” I shake my head.
Both women give me a look and I instantly know what they are suggesting. I need to stop avoiding the conversation with Luke that needs to happen.
I walk into the dark, quiet house. I don’t think I will ever get used to how still this place feels without Amelia in it.
I set my purse on the counter and pull out the envelope containing my letter of recommendation. I take a deep breath and open it.
To Whom It May Concern:
It is with great pleasure that I recommend Jessica Rogers. As an integral member of the management team at Bianchi-Taylor Winery, she has proven herself to be a tremendous asset. Her skill and professionalism has aided in the smooth transition during the sale of the business by the long-time owner. As an investor in the company for the past year and a half, and now the new owner, I can testify that her insight and guidance have been instrumental in ensuring the continued success of the operations.
As a controller, Jessica has a firm grasp on all financial areas of the business, but moreover she possesses the instinct to make sound decisions. Her excellent people skills further enable her to successfully inspire and execute plans throughout the company.
Jessica has been a pleasure to work with and will be greatly missed by myself and the organization. She will thrive most in an environment where she is challenged and respected, a place where her thoughts and ideas will be heard. Any company would be lucky to have this strong, valuable professional on their team.
Luke Taylor
Owner, Bianchi-Taylor Winery
I feel a sticky note attached to the back of the letter, so I flip it over.
Jessica,
I’ll forever regret that we couldn’t make this work. I wish you nothing but the best because that’s what you deserve. You’ll be missed more than you will ever understand.
Luke
Chapter 20
I stare at Luke’s name on my phone. I type out a few words, then delete them and set my phone down.
“This is ridiculous,” I mumble to myself, and pick it back up.
I push the button and listen. By the third ring I’m tapping the fingers of my free hand rapidly against the countertop.
“Hello?” Luke’s voice is low and gravely. I look at the clock to double check the time. It’s only nine.
“I’m sorry were you sleeping?”
“No.” Luke keeps his voice a loud whisper. I hear a door shut. “I’m glad you called.”
I can’t help but smile.
“I was hoping you could conduct a second interview for me next Tuesday. It’s a candidate for my assistant and if you like her, I’d like to hire her before someone else does.”
My smile drops. “Sure.”
“Thanks.” Luke pauses. “You must have called for your own reasons, though?”
“I did.” My stomach swirls and I pace the kitchen trying to release some nervous energy. “I want to talk to you about something, but I think it would be better in person. Would it be okay if I came down there to talk?”
“Umm…” Luke’s hesitation has me instantly regretting I asked.
“Never mind. It’s late, we can talk when you get back from your break.” I’m speaking too quickly, so I take a deep breath.
“No, we can talk. It’s just…Finn’s here tonight. He’s asleep, but if you want to come over that works for me.”
I worry about how I’m going to feel once I’m there, but I fight through those feelings. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah.” He sounds a little surprised, but not like he doesn’t want me to come.
“Okay, then I’ll see you in about an hour?”
“See you then.”
A little more than an hour later I’m pulling up to Luke’s house. It’s a nice, California style single story. It’s so different than his modern San Francisco apartment, but this feels more like the Luke I know.
I check my reflection in my car mirror and run a hand through my chestnut
waves. I take one last deep breath and kill the ignition.
My thoughts race as I make my way up the lengthy path to the front door. The multiple steps make me thankful they are lined by lights. I’ve been trying to decide what exactly I want to say the whole drive here with little success. At some point I decided to just wing it, so I ring the doorbell without any further hesitation.
Luke answers and a surge of warmth overtakes me. His pajama bottoms and t-shirt match his relaxed demeanor. “Glad you found it okay.” He steps aside, and I enter.
I take a few steps into the entry and look back over my shoulder. “This is nice, Luke.”
“Thanks. It’s a rental. I’m still deciding if it’s easier to be closer to Finn or closer to work.” Luke passes me, and I follow him. “What can I get you? A cup of tea?”
“Sure, but only if it’s decaf.”
“I have chamomile.” Luke knows this is my go-to nighttime drink. He turns around and sees my smirk. “What…a guy’s not allowed to enjoy a cup of tea from time to time?”
“I’ve never seen you drink a cup of tea, that’s all.”
“Well, I do.” Luke calls from the kitchen. “From a very manly mug.”
I snicker. “I believe it.”
Luke prepares my tea the way I like it and grabs a bottle of water for himself. I follow him to the living room and sit at one end of the oversized sofa.
“What did you want to talk about?” Luke casually unscrews the cap and takes a big drink of water.
I think about setting down my tea, but decide I’d rather keep it to occupy my hands. “I read your recommendation letter. It was lovely, thank you.”
“It was easy to say great things about working with you. The only hard part was making sure it didn’t sound too personal.”
I take a sip of tea. When I look back at Luke, he’s patiently waiting.
We sit for several seconds, me trying to think of the best place to start. “Why is it the moments you have the most to say are the hardest to actually speak?”
Luke nods and looks at his lap. “I think I know where your head’s at, but I don’t want to put words in your mouth.”
I readjust one of my legs underneath me. “I didn’t expect to enjoy working with you.”
“I think maybe there was a compliment somewhere in there?” Luke smirks.
I crack a smile. “You know what I meant.”
“Sorry, so you were saying I’m your favorite person you’ve ever worked with.” Luke motions for me to continue.
“I don’t think that’s exactly what I said.”
“Are you sure? Because you’re my favorite.” Luke’s smoldering stare distracts me from what I was going to say.
“Could you stop being charming for a few minutes? It’s distracting.”
“You think I’m charming?” Luke cocks his head to one side, a confident grin spreads across his lips.
I roll my eyes. “I didn’t come here to flirt. I came here to ask to stay on as the winery’s controller.”
Luke leans back. “So, you drove down here to talk about your job? I already told you you’re welcome to stay as long as you want.”
I take a steadying inhale. “I know, but I heard you on the phone today, talking to someone about it being a good idea for me to move on. It’s not fair for me to change my mind as soon as you’ve accepted the idea. I understand if the offer has expired, but I can’t leave without at least letting you know how I feel.”
Luke runs a hand through his hair. “The conversation you overheard wasn’t about you. I was discussing Ashley, my assistant in San Francisco, with Aaron. At first, we thought she could stay on and be Christina’s assistant, but it’s not the right fit. I had to tell her today that she should start looking for something else.”
We’re interrupted by sweet, infant cries and my heart clenches.
“Give me a minute.” Luke jumps up from the couch.
I wait for a couple of minutes, then decide to go find him. I stand at the beginning of the hallway and listen. I don’t have to wait long before I hear Luke’s soothing voice coming from one of the rooms near the other end. I follow his voice until I catch sight of him. He’s standing in the dimly lit room, rocking and talking to his son. The sight of the small baby cradled in Luke’s strong arms takes my breath away for a moment.
“That’s a good look on you.” I lean on the doorframe.
Luke startles, but gives me a warm smile when our eyes meet. “I changed his diaper, but I think he’s hungry.”
“Here, I’ll hold him while you get his bottle.” I walk toward Luke with outstretched arms.
Luke knows I wouldn’t offer if I wasn’t ready, so he nods and hands Finn to me. I cradle him in my arms so I can get a good look at him. He looks so much like Luke, but he has his mom’s nose and smile.
I spend several minutes staring at him. It reminds me of nights with baby Amelia, nights I was content to simply watch her sleep.
I sense his presence and look to see Luke standing in the doorway. He smiles briefly before reaching out to retrieve the now sleeping baby. He stops when he spots his closed eyelids.
“I guess he wasn’t hungry after all.”
“I’ll set him back in his crib.” I place the sleeping baby down in his bed and Luke and I carefully exit the room. I wait as Luke slowly shuts the bedroom door, trying not to make a sound. “He’s amazing, Luke.”
“Thanks. I don’t have any comparison, but I’ve been told he’s an easy baby.”
We begin down the hallway. I reach the other end and realize Luke has stopped and is leaning against the wall.
“I need to be honest with you. I want you to stay at the winery, but it’s hard. It feels unnatural when I try to treat you how I would any other employee. You’ll never be just another employee to me.”
“I know.”
“But I know that place means as much to you as it does to me and I won’t take that away from you.”
“I don’t want to make this difficult for you.” I take a step toward him.
“This is bearable. I may regret it later, but for now we’re good.”
“I don’t want you to regret keeping me.”
Luke shakes his head. “I only meant I may regret working with you when I have to witness you moving on. It’s impossible to prepare to watch the love of your life get over you.”
My chest aches and I reach out to touch his arm.
He stares down at his hands. “It’s all right. I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I know I was meant to love you, but I have to accept I wasn’t meant to have you.” His words are thick. They sound like they almost got stuck in his throat. “Jess, I’m sorry for a million little things, for not being patient enough, for not being forthcoming with information, but mostly for thinking I could solve everything on my own. My actions hurt you and I apologize. You deserved better from me.”
I’m literally speechless as Luke stands before me. I sense an openness from him that’s been missing for far too long.
I squeeze my eyes shut. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” His voice is low.
I open my eyes and look into his glossy ones. “You said more in the last two minutes than you have in months.”
Luke leans his head back again the wall behind him. “My therapist calls it ‘evolving into an emotionally mature male’, I call it getting my shit together.”
“You’re seeing a therapist?” I can’t hide my surprise.
Luke only nods.
“Since your dad died?” It would make sense that a tragic event would propel Luke to seek out some help, although I’m still stunned to hear he’s taken that step.
Luke clears his throat and shifts his weight to his other foot. “Before that, actually. Right after your mom’s surgery.”
I think back over the last sever
al months. Luke’s been different at work, more patient, a better listener. His confidence, while still intact, has been muted slightly. He admits when he’s wrong quicker and seeks out advice more readily. All the little changes I’ve seen haven’t been my imagination. Luke, while still wholly himself, has been slowly growing. “I think that’s great.”
Luke pushes away from the wall. “I don’t know if it’s great or not, but I didn’t like what I was seeing in myself. I saw too much of my dad in me and knew something had to change.”
Now seems like the right time to open up to him. I lean against the wall opposite him and stare up at the ceiling, not wanting to look at him while I get some things out. “I was broken after the miscarriage and when you said you were going to move forward and become a dad despite my failures. Even though it wasn’t planned, it felt like a betrayal. I was drowning and was so angry you were going to survive without me.” Shame courses through every vein.
“I would never have left you behind,” Luke says, but I keep my eyes focused on the plain white ceiling.
“I panicked. I convinced myself that you needed to be with your new family and I couldn’t be a part of it. I pushed you away trying to save both of us.” A tear escapes my eye. “And ultimately it worked, you settled into being a good father for that little boy in there, and I healed.”
Luke steps in front of me and wipes the tear from my cheek, his fingertips trail my still outstretched neck. “Letting you go when I knew how much pain you were in was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”
I lower my face to meet his. “I don’t trust men easily and I trusted you. I know you think you did it for good reason, but it was devastating to me when you didn’t tell me what was going on. I can’t be in a relationship where I have too many questions.” I try to focus him, but the tears are making everything blurry.
“I was trying so hard to answer everything I didn’t even realize I was creating more questions. I won’t make that mistake again.” Luke looks at me intently but waits for me to make the next move.
“I’m sorry I didn’t forgive you sooner, but I do now. No matter where we go from here, I want you to know that.”
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