“I guess so,” Grace murmured. “But I can’t abide the idea of anyone mistreating you.”
Karen took her sister’s arm and made her sit again. “Grace, listen to me. He didn’t mistreat me, far from it. I’ve had time to consider it and I really think he made the best effort of which he was capable. But he isn’t like other people, and he never will be. He said he was going for my sake and I know he believes that, but there’s more to it. He’s been alone all his life, first by an accident of fate, then by choice because he was taught early to rely only on himself.” Karen gestured earnestly. “His feeling for me was genuine but it frightened him. He doesn’t want to need anyone. He thinks it makes him weak, dependent. He would rather be the person leaving than the one left, and he wasn’t taking any chances with me. He got out before I could decide that I wanted out.”
“You’re very understanding about it,” Grace said in a subdued tone.
Karen shook her head, smiling slightly. “I wasn’t when it first happened. I screamed and cried and told him to go to hell. But in retrospect I know he didn’t mean to hurt me. He tried to avoid that from the beginning. But once I met him I wouldn’t let go, and he... wanted me, so he gave in. But you can’t change people in the long run. They remain what they always were.” She shrugged. “The bottom line is that if he isn’t willing to take a chance on us, I can’t make him do it.”
“It sounds like you grew up a lot in a short time,” Grace commented. “You used to think you could make things happen just because you wanted them to.”
“I had to grow up, I guess,” Karen said. She looked down, avoiding Grace’s eyes. “But it still hurts. A lot.”
Grace patted her hand. “All right. I won’t force you to talk about it.”
“Thanks.”
“So what are your plans now?” Grace went on.
“Back to the want ads. I’m going to be employed by Christmas if it kills me.”
And she was. As if to make up for the other blow it had dealt her, fate smiled in short order, and Karen found a job in a Paterson law office with a substantial bilingual clientele. Translating legal documents involved looking up a lot of unfamiliar terms, and she wound up spending a good deal of her time in the firm’s library. There she met Jim Cochran, one of the young attorneys on staff, and as December moved on toward Christmas he began to ask her out socially. At first she refused, making up excuses that sounded feeble even to her own ears. But then, wondering why she was sentencing herself to lonely evenings in her room with only the company of a book or television, she finally accepted. She was never going to get over Colter if she didn’t try to find distractions from thoughts of him. So on a gray, cold Friday afternoon, about three weeks after her return from England, she got home from work and prepared to go out for the evening.
Grace knocked on her door as she was dressing.
“Come in,” Karen called.
Grace entered wiping her hands on a dish towel. “I guess you won’t be having dinner with us,” Grace observed.
“No, Jim is taking me to Renaud’s. It’s right across from the skating pond at Rockefeller Center, with a glass wall so you can watch the people on the ice.”
“Sounds lovely,” Grace said, beaming.
“Get that gleam out of your eye, Grace. I just met the guy.”
“That didn’t stop you with Colter,” Grace pointed out.
Karen shook her head. “No comparison. Jim is nice, but that’s all.”
“I see. This is ‘I have to do something to forget’ time. Does Jim understand that?”
“I’ve told him that I just broke up with someone and want to take things very slow. He agreed.”
Grace accepted that in silence, then began to prowl around the room, fidgeting.
“What is it, Grace?” Karen asked patiently.
“Have you heard from him? Colter, I mean?”
“No. I’ve been getting my mail here; you know that.”
“I thought he might have called while we were out or something.”
Karen shook her head. “Don’t worry about it.”
“I can’t help it,” Grace sighed. She folded her arms and leaned against the wall, watching Karen as she stepped into her pumps and picked up her bag. “How is the apartment search coming?” she asked.
“Pretty good. I’ve got a list of several possibilities but two of them are too far from work. The most expensive places are closest.”
“You’re welcome to stay here just as long as you want,” Grace said emphatically.
“I know that,” Karen said, glancing in the mirror, “but I have to get back out on my own. I can’t let the experience with Colter send me running to hide at the family homestead. I’m getting over it and I plan to recover completely.”
“No more sleepless nights?” Grace asked.
“Less of them,” Karen replied honestly.
“Crying fits?”
“Have you been listening at the door?” Karen asked suspiciously.
“I don’t have to listen. Something’s been causing the red eyes.”
“It gets a little better each day.”
“But it’s never easy, right?” Grace said.
“Right,” Karen answered shortly.
“Do you regret it?”
“What, being with him?”
“Yes.”
“Never,” Karen said firmly. “Now I know what it’s like to really love somebody and be loved in return. I wouldn’t have missed it.”
“Even with the pain?” Grace asked doubtfully.
“Even so. If that’s the price I have to pay for the happiness I had, then so be it.”
“Don’t you think about him now, wonder if he’s all right?”
“Constantly,” Karen replied softly.
“How long has it been since you’ve seen him?”
“Three weeks, four days, and six hours, give or take a few minutes, and allowing for the time change from England.”
Grace shook her head ruefully. “I feel sorry for Jim,” was all she said before she left the room.
Karen got her coat and followed her sister down the stairs into the kitchen, where her niece was sitting at the table with a giant box of crayons, working on a coloring book. Her brother was out with his father, so she was seizing the opportunity to color his spacemen purple before he returned.
Karen went to the stove where Grace was stirring a pan of tomato sauce. “Don’t worry,” she said, giving Grace a quick hug.
Grace nodded.
“I won’t be too late,” Karen added as she turned away.
“Are you sure you’re being fair to this guy?” Grace called after her.
Karen looked back at her sister. “Jim?”
“Yes. You’re obviously not over Colter, and I just don’t think it’s right to raise Jim’s hopes.”
Karen sighed. “I already told you that I explained the situation to him, and he understands. He isn’t asking me to marry him, Grace. This is just a friendly dinner and we’re taking it one step at a time.”
“That should be a refreshing change from your last relationship,” Grace said dryly, moving back from the stove and covering the saucepan.
Karen threw her a dirty look and was relieved when the doorbell rang, announcing Jim’s arrival.
Jim was just the “steady” type that Grace loved, and so Karen was not surprised that her sister was quite taken with him and invited him to stop back anytime. Karen ushered him out the door before Grace got a chance to measure him for his wedding tuxedo, and they hurried across the lawn to his car. An arctic wind was picking up and Karen was glad the interior was already heated from Jim’s drive to her sister’s house.
She studied her companion covertly as he exited Grace’s development and entered the main drag that led out of town. Jim was attractive enough in a pleasant, unassuming way, with short brown hair and medium brown eyes and a quiet sense of humor that often took Karen by surprise. He was really very nice, and she was almost annoyed with hers
elf for her inability to get interested in him. She was hoping that the passage of time would alter her attitude but she had a sinking feeling that it wouldn’t. She suspected that Grace was right. If she still felt the same after a few dates, she was going to tell Jim she’d misjudged and wasn’t ready to go out with anyone else. But for now she was going to try to enjoy the evening and forget her recent past with another man.
Jim looked over at her as he pulled to a stop at a light. “You’re staring at me,” he said, half laughing.
Karen glanced away, embarrassed. “I’m sorry. I was just thinking.”
“About what?”
“My life.”
He raised his brows. “Oh, oh. Sounds heavy.”
Karen smiled ruefully. “Just confusing.”
“Really? Don’t you like your new job?”
“Yes, I do. It’s my personal life that’s a mess.”
He shot her a sidelong glance. “Still haven’t gotten over the old flame, huh?”
Karen sighed. “Everyone tells me these things take time.”
Jim nodded. “Though I have to say he must have been somebody special for a great girl like you to carry such a torch.”
“That’s kind of you to say,” Karen replied, feeling guiltier by the minute, as if she were taking advantage of Jim in some subtle, unspecified way.
“Where is he now?” Jim asked, turning onto Route 3 and heading for New York.
“I don’t know,” Karen said truthfully. Colter had left for Lebanon but he could be anywhere at the moment.
“Oh. He took off?”
“Yes.”
“What did he do?” Jim inquired.
“Do?”
“For a living.”
Karen thought about it. “He was kind of an independent contractor. He traveled around on jobs, moved a lot, that sort of thing.”
Jim realized that she was being deliberately vague and didn’t pursue the subject. They chatted about the office where they both worked until Jim entered the city and parked in an underground garage a few blocks from Rockefeller Center.
Karen hadn’t been to New York in years, and she was amazed to see that it had changed hardly at all: it was still dirty, busy, and under construction. They ducked beneath a catwalk and crossed a series of blustery streets, dodging drifting candy wrappers and newspapers, to reach the restaurant. The celebrated Christmas tree towered into the night sky, ablaze with white lights, and they were seated next to a glass wall that afforded a full view of the skating pond. Karen settled in comfortably while Jim ordered drinks and watched clouds of steam escaping from the manholes on the avenue, enveloping passersby in a warm fog from the underground heating system. Christmas shoppers hurried along laden with bags labeled Macy’s and Bonwit’s and Bloomingdale’s. The skaters glided and looped and twirled, singly and in pairs, their faces flushed and their ears red from the cold. Karen sipped her wine and observed the scene, so different from Almeria, where Christmas arrived in stifling heat and was celebrated with the creches and pinatas of the native population. She was curiously content and realized, with a feeling of recognition, that she was glad to be home.
They were examining the menu, debating what to order, when their waiter approached the table and said, “Telephone for you, ma’am. Shall I bring it to your table?”
Karen glanced at Jim in surprise. “For me?” she said.
“Yes. The caller said for the young lady with Mr. Cochran. That’s you, isn’t it?”
Karen nodded, shrugging at Jim.
“Would you like to take it here?” the waiter asked.
“No, don’t bother,” Karen replied, standing up. “I’ll take it at the desk.”
Jim pulled out her chair and the waiter stepped back to let her pass. The hostess at the desk indicated the blinking button on the phone. Karen pressed it and lifted the receiver.
“Hello?” Karen said.
“Oh, Karen, thank God I reached you,” Grace said breathlessly. “He was just here and I don’t know what to do.”
“Who?” Karen asked, confused.
“Who do you think?” Grace replied, exasperated. “That boyfriend of yours, Colter. I couldn’t believe it. We were just talking about him tonight, and then there he was. The bell rang and I answered the door. He was standing on the porch, big as life, as brown as a leather boot in the middle of winter.”
“He’s back?”
“Of course he’s back. Aren’t you listening to me?” Grace demanded.
“He came to the house?” Karen said, her heart beating faster.
There was a pause during which Grace tried to determine whether her sister had suddenly become stupid, or was just so rattled that she was reduced to repeating everything she heard. Deciding on the latter, Grace said carefully, “Yes, Karen. He was here about half an hour ago, and he wanted to see you.”
“What did you tell him?”
“I told him the truth, that you weren’t home.”
“And?”
“He didn’t believe me. He thought I was just trying to keep him away from you.”
Karen closed her eyes. “Then what happened?” she asked warily, although she could well imagine.
“Well, he was about to push past me and Ken wasn’t home. I got scared,” Grace said apologetically. “That Colter’s awfully big, and he looked pretty upset, and...”
“What did you do, Grace?” Karen asked patiently, wincing.
“I told him where you were,” Grace said rapidly.
Karen almost dropped the phone. “You didn’t give him the address of this restaurant!” she said in a strong voice.
“I had to,” Grace whined. “I told him you were out on a date, which was the wrong thing to say. Then he wanted to know with whom, and he was real demanding about it, and I said with a guy at your office...”
“All right, Grace, I get the picture. Is he coming here?”
“I think he is, and that’s why I had to call to warn you. At first I decided not to bother you, but the more I thought about it, the more worried I got. I’m afraid he might make a scene. Maybe you could convince Jim to leave before he gets there.”
“I’ll try,” Karen said firmly.
“I’m sorry I messed up,” Grace said with genuine contrition. “I just didn’t know what to do. All I could think of was to get rid of him before Ken came home and they got into it or something. Before I knew it, I had blurted out the name of the place where you were.”
“It’s all right; I understand. Steven has a way of getting what he wants.”
“Are you sure you’ll be okay?”
“I’ll be fine.”
“Karen?”
“Yes?”
“I can see why you had such trouble letting go. He really is very attractive. I mean, he was mad and everything, but I could still tell that he’d be a difficult one to forget.”
“Even so, he had no right to just show up there and give you a hard time,” Karen said grimly. “I haven’t heard from him in almost a month and he gave me every reason to believe I never would. Now all of a sudden he gets angry because I have the nerve to get on with my life and go out on a date? I hope he does come here. I have a thing or two to say to him.”
“But what about Jim?” Grace asked in a worried tone.
“Don’t worry—I’ll handle it. Thanks for calling.”
“Goodbye, and good luck. Let me know what happens.”
“I will. Bye,” Karen hung up the phone and made her way back to Jim, who was watching her with concern.
“Is there a problem?” he asked.
“I’m afraid so,” Karen replied, wondering how she could explain this latest development to him.
“What’s the matter? Something with the family?”
Karen sat and met his eyes directly. “You know the old flame we were talking about earlier?”
“Yeah?” he said warily.
“Well, he went to my sister’s house tonight, looking for me. And she told him where I was.”
“You mean he’s coming here?” Jim asked in amazement.
“I’m afraid he might.”
“Do you want to leave?” he asked.
“I think that would be best. We could go to another restaurant. I’d like to avoid trouble if that’s possible.”
“Fine,” Jim replied promptly, to her vast relief. “No problem. I’ll just get our coats.”
“Thanks for being so understanding,” Karen said.
“Be back in a minute,” Jim said, signaling for the bar bill. He got up and went to the checkroom as Karen looked around for her purse. She had found it and was rising to go after Jim when Colter came through the door.
Karen froze and her gaze darted to Jim, whose back was to her. He was busy retrieving their coats and didn’t see the drama about to unfold.
Colter spotted Karen immediately and brushed past the hostess, who was asking him for his reservation. The hostess, alarmed, signaled to the maitre d’, who scurried out from behind the phone stand. Colter strode through the forest of tables purposefully, halting at Karen’s side as the maitre d’ almost ran up his heels behind him.
“What are you doing here?” Karen said to him coldly.
“I came to talk to you,” he replied.
“Is everything all right, miss?” the maitre d’ asked anxiously. He clearly didn’t want to tangle with anyone Colter’s size, but even less did he want a scene in his restaurant, and he could sense that one was coming.
“Everything is fine,” Karen said to the maitre d’.
“Do you know this... gentleman?” the maitre d’ asked.
“I know him,” Karen replied.
The man subsided reluctantly, walking away but casting parting glances over his shoulder, as if waiting for Colter to erupt at any moment. Colter turned his back, dismissing him, and faced Karen, who was regarding him balefully.
Her expression was partially a pose. She was so glad to see him that she had to restrain herself from throwing her arms around his neck, but his outrageous behavior in terrorizing Grace and then showing up in the middle of her date could not be countenanced. Not to mention his sudden reappearance after his theatrical, and seemingly final, farewell. So Karen laced the fingers that longed to caress him in front of her and waited for him to speak.
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