by Pirateaba
“Hey Lyon. Get Mrsha off the table!”
Safry was trying to clear the plates off of one and Mrsha was happily trying to steal scraps. She flicked her hands at Mrsha, trying to shoo her off, but Mrsha just saw that as an invitation to play. Lyonette hurried over and pulled Mrsha away. Safry glared, and Lyonette glared back.
The other woman broke the stare-off by glancing towards the door.
“By the way, one of the Antinium things was here earlier. Not the Bird one…this one called himself Pawn or something.”
“What? Pawn?”
Lyonette dropped Mrsha in her excitement. Pawn was alive! Erin had been so worried.
“Where is he?”
Safry shrugged.
“I don’t know. He was looking for Erin, so I told him to come back later because Erin’s not here. We’re busy cleaning up breakfast, so—”
“No!”
Lyonette clutched at her hair. She screamed at Safry, right in the woman’s surprised face. How could she turn away Pawn, just because she was afraid of the Antinium? He was a guest, and she—
“We always let the Antinium in! Always! Is he still nearby? How far did he go?”
She rushed out the door before the woman could respond.
—-
Death. Pawn had known it would come to that. He’d known it, but not really known.There had been some stupid, foolish part of him that had imagined fighting with his Soldiers, triumphing over the monsters and not losing a single one.
What a fool he had been. The Antinium dragged himself away from Erin’s inn. She wasn’t there. And he was empty.
His Soldiers had died. Twenty five of them. But far more had died that weren’t his. He’d heard Belgrade give the report to Klbkch. Over two hundred Workers and about half the number of Soldiers had perished while they’d been fighting. Two hundred.
These weren’t devastating numbers. The Hive had suffered worse, and always come back. New Workers and Soldiers were always being created. That also meant each day they were also dying. If not by the hundreds, at least a dozen.
Each day. Each day, a dozen Soldiers like the ones who lived on the walls of the barracks in paint died. Each day. Pawn could barely fathom that. No—it was because he couldn’t imagine such a thing that he was still able to function at all.
Workers died. Soldiers died. They died and their bodies were turned to mush that other Antinium ate. Each day. If you dwelt on that, you’d curl up and die, like the Workers who never woke up and were carried away. Or worse—you’d become an Aberration.
That was how they were created, surely. Pawn had come close, once. He felt that had to be why. It was when you couldn’t make sense of it all, when the death and emptiness crushed you down and left not even loyalty, not even the shred of…of anything. That was when it happened.
He wanted to talk to Erin about it. But she wasn’t there. The strange Human who hadn’t met his eyes had said so.
So Pawn would go back. He’d go back and—
“Pawn!”
Someone called his name. Pawn looked up. He saw a figure running down the hill, waving her arms and shouting at him. Not Erin. But someone nearly as good.
Lyonette. She seized him, hugged him. Pawn stood still in the snow, wordless, as Lyonette sobbed in relief that she’d gotten to him before he’d gone back to his Hive.
“I thought you might be dead! Come on, come back to the inn. I’ll get you food, and your favorite bee, and you can wait for Erin—”
“But the Human female said Erin—”
“You can wait for her! Don’t listen to Safry! Come on!”
In no time, Pawn was sitting in the inn, Mrsha sniffing at his hands, a mug of hot honey milk in his hand, and a plate with a dead bee practically dripping with butter and honey wafting enticingly up at him. The bee was making two of the Human [Barmaids] scream and argue with Lyonette. Pawn listened and thought Lyonette sounded angry, until the door from Celum burst open and Erin and Ryoka rushed through.
“Pawn!”
Erin’s voice was like the sun. He rose as she ran at him. She threw her arms around Pawn and hugged him tightly. It was like finding his name again. Pawn hugged her back, carefully, and saw another girl he recognized standing behind her. Ryoka Griffin.
When Erin let go, fussing over Pawn, Ryoka approached.
“Pawn, right? I’m Ryoka. We’ve met before, but I haven’t talked with you.”
She held out a hand. Pawn stared at it, and gingerly shook it. Ryoka Griffin was nothing like Erin, but she was reassuring in her own way. She had spoken to Klbkch, Pawn knew, and Erin had always spoken highly of her. She was intriguing to him.
But now Erin was fussing about him, and telling him to tell her everything. Pawn looked at her, and felt the same pain, the helplessness, hurt bubbling up inside him.
“What happened Pawn? Was it bad? Why did Klbkch tell you to fight?”
“It was…”
He couldn’t talk about the Hive. Or how the Antinium were barely holding back the monsters. But the dead. Pawn closed his mandibles and looked down at the cooling bee.
“I let them down. They died to protect me. A quarter. They died, Erin. For me.”
“What? Who died, Pawn? Belgrade? Anand? Who?”
Erin leaned over Pawn, looking anxious, worried. That filled Pawn with something too, something bright, but also painful. He shook his head.
“Not them. My people. They…I put them on the walls.”
Erin and Ryoka exchanged a glance. Pawn knew he wasn’t making sense. He tried to explain as best he could.
“You were fighting? Monsters?”
“From where?”
Ryoka stared intently at Pawn, but he couldn’t answer. He told Erin how he’d drawn the symbols of his dead Soldiers on the walls when he started shaking. He couldn’t help it.
“I am sorry. It is just—”
“Don’t be sorry.”
Erin hugged him tightly, so tight that Pawn felt the shaking stop, as if she’d used a Skill. But her warmth was simple, plain. It was better than magic, more mysterious than a Skill. Erin stood up, looking angry and upset.
“I’m going to talk with Klbkch. I’m going to tell him he can’t make Pawn and his Soldiers do this!”
“Wait a second, Erin—”
Ryoka rose, grabbing at her friend’s arm, but Erin shook her off.
“Don’t argue with me, Ryoka! This is wrong! Pawn, you sit right here. You don’t have to worry about fighting and dying, okay? I’ll take care of it.”
She practically ran out of the door, despite Ryoka’s attempts to stop her. Cursing, the girl returned to her seat and looked at Pawn.
“Damnit, I hope she doesn’t try to storm the Hive.”
“Revalantor Klbkch is most likely on duty as a [Guardsman] in the city at the moment.”
“Oh? Who’s defending the Hive, then? I assume the monsters are still around.”
Pawn froze. Would it be Belgrade? But no—he was resting.
“I—I do not know. Perhaps Xrn?”
But that didn’t feel right. Who led the hive when Klbkch could not, and when Belgrade and Anand were out of commission? It had to be—
The Queen. Did she lead the Hive? She must. She must have ordered the Workers and Soldiers to do battle thousands of times before Belgrade and Anand had taken some of the burden away. She had to send them to their deaths, over and over. How could she? How could she not care? Did she know?
The storm of emotions was hidden behind Pawn’s face. Ryoka stared at him.
“I think Erin will get Klbkch to take your unit off the front lines. Erin’s persuasive like that and Klbkch…will probably listen to her. Even if he wouldn’t listen to anyone else.”
Pawn shook his head.
“I wish she would not do that. Revalantor Klbkch…had his reasons for ordering my unit into combat.”
Good ones too. He was right. Pawn’s group of one hundred Soldiers had suffered least out of the groups assigned to c
ombat, and his had fought in one of the most hotly contested areas. His Soldiers were stronger than normal ones. But they had died.
How could he ever ask the Soldiers to fight again? How could he face them? But Ryoka didn’t seem concerned with that. She was staring at Pawn and clearing her throat. He looked at her. She drummed her fingers on the table for a moment.
“Look…Pawn. I’ve wanted to speak to you for a while now. Since Erin’s gone, now’s the best time. I know you’re upset, but you and I have to speak now about your…beliefs.”
Pawn froze. He looked cautiously at Ryoka.
“What do you mean by that?”
She met his eyes levelly.
“I mean, I heard from Erin about how she told you about Christianity. About…God. And I had a talk with Klbkch and he says you’re a believer. And you have a class. Is that true?”
If she’d talked to Klbkch, then he could speak to her, right? Pawn hesitated, and then nodded. He lowered his voice, without knowing why. It seemed like something Ryoka would want.
“That is correct. I am a Level 6 [Acolyte]. I received the class after I…prayed and was told of religion and heaven by Erin.”
Why did Ryoka freeze up at that? Her eyes flicked to Lyonette, who was arguing with Safry about a plate Mrsha had accidentally knocked over. Then she looked back at Pawn, seemingly worried.
“An [Acolyte]? Damn. Uh, has Klbkch told you why that’s not a good thing?”
Pawn nodded. Klbkch had indicated it was not, in action as well as word. He’d told Pawn not to speak of gods to anyone. After he’d tried to kill Pawn for knowing about gods in the first place.
“He has expressed his desire to keep such knowledge private. I have done so, and only told you of my class outside of my Hive. However, I do not understand the reason for his distrust of gods.”
“Yeah, well, that’s complicated. If he didn’t tell you, I don’t think I should either.”
Ryoka traced patterns on the table, thinking hard. She hesitated, and looked at Pawn again.
“I uh, can’t say why Pawn, but this faith business is trouble. Klbkch, your Revalantor, agrees with me, and so does your Queen, I think. So…why don’t you just stop praying? It…really doesn’t do much good. Or rather, there are other ways you can help your people.”
Pawn stared at Ryoka. He felt shocked, stunned by the words coming out of her mouth.
“Stop…praying? Stop believing?”
She nodded and leaned over the table.
“Look, it’s not something your people need. A god is important, sure…faith, hell it’s meaningful, but the people of this world have gotten along fine without one for this long. Can’t you, I don’t know, just forget about it?”
Just forget about it. Just forget about Heaven. Forget about god. Forget about—
Something blazed in Pawn. He closed his mandibles, leaned away from Ryoka. When he spoke, his grief was forgotten. It had been replaced by the anger of indignation.
“No.”
Ryoka sighed and scrubbed at her hair.
“Come on. Why do you need to believe? Like I said, it’s really dangerous if it spreads—”
“It is necessary for the Antinium.”
She looked blank.
“Why? Why would believing—”
“You do not know what it means to be Antinium.”
Pawn cut Ryoka off shortly. She did not understand. He tried to tell himself that. And then he realized that was it. She really didn’t understand. Pawn looked at Ryoka, who seemed to be growing more annoyed. She was ignorant.
“Look, I’m trying to be nice, but Klbkch and I agree—”
“What would you give someone with one day to live?”
Pawn stared at Ryoka. She blinked.
“Excuse me?”
“What would you give someone with exactly twenty four hours to live before they died? Someone who knew their death was imminent?”
She stared at him. But unlike Erin, she didn’t question Pawn’s words, but took the query at face value.
“One day? Well, I guess I’d give them what they always dreamed of. Time with their family if they have any, money to do what they wanted…uh, maybe a chance to—”
“No.”
She broke off.
“What?”
Pawn shook his head deliberately. She still did not understand. He spoke carefully, choosing each word to make her comprehend.
“You are misunderstanding my question. I said, what would you give someone who had one day to live? Not years. Not decades. One. Day. One day total. Someone who came into existence and will die within hours of waking.”
Ryoka’s eyes widened.
“You mean—a Soldier? A Worker? One of the Antinium?”
“Yes.”
The word was bitter on Pawn’s mandibles. He broke off a leg of the dead Ashfire bee, stared at it as he spoke.
“You Humans live for years, do you not? In most cases, you live at least until you are ten, many twice that age. Some live for nearly a century. Other races live longer, others shorter. But the lifespan of an Antinium may be a single day. Or less.”
“You mean they’re born and are fully cognizant the instant they come out?”
Ryoka seemed fascinated, but she was missing the point. Pawn nodded.
“The instant a Soldier emerges, he is expected to fight and serve his Hive. He may be sent into battle minutes after he is born. What can he have in those minutes, if not faith that he is dying for a reason?”
“For his Hive, you mean. For his queen.”
“Yes. But it is not enough. If the Soldier lives, he will fight every day for his Hive. Fight and die, Ryoka Griffin. That is his fate. Fight and die. What can you give him? Money? He has nowhere to spend it. Family? He will never reproduce, and his brethren die with him. An experience? He has never seen the sky.”
The young woman sat across from Pawn, staring at him as if she were looking at something horrible or tragic. Pawn felt something surging in his body, something dark, but also…
“You tell me faith is not needed. I disagree. When Erin told me of God, of Heaven, it was important. It was necessary. Because what else can the Antinium cling to? What can I give the Soldiers who died for me, if not hope of a place to rest? What can I give a Soldier who will die in moments, if not faith? Tell me, Ryoka Griffin. Why is faith meaningless to the Antinium?”
She had no reply. She sat back, looking stunned, and then ashamed. When she did speak, minutes later, it was humbly.
“I’m wrong.”
Pawn nodded.
“Yes. You are.”
She nodded as well.
“I didn’t know about how the Antinium lived. I guessed, but…I’m sorry about that. I’d change it if I could, how your people live. And you’re right—religion is important. Especially to your people. I…think I’d forgotten that. If I ever knew. But it doesn’t change the fact that faith is dangerous in this world. Faith in a god is dangerous, Pawn. Can you understand that?”
He reached for his mug and drank slowly.
“I understand that you and Revalantor Klbkch fear Gods. You fear one of them. Are there living Gods in this world, then?”
Ryoka jumped and looked around. Pawn lowered his mug.
“It is not a difficult thing to surmise. But it is curious. I believe in Gods…but you and Revalantor Klbkch know one exists.”
“So you do believe.”
The young woman was intent on Pawn.
“Are you a believer in Christianity, then? Are you…spreading the word of the Bible?”
Pawn paused. He shook his head.
“I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe he was born of the Virgin Mary. I believe he suffered under Pontius Pilate. I believe he was buried. I believe he descended into hell and returned. I believe he is a God. But I believe he is not my God.”
Ryoka’s jaw dropped. She struggled for words.
“How? If you can believe…how?”
Pawn shrugged.
“It is simple. He is not my God. He is yours. When God created the earth, he created animals and Humans, the earth, the sky and stars and sea. But he did not create the Antinium, Ryoka Griffin. I know this. Because we created ourselves.”
“Oh.”
“Indeed. Your God cannot be ours. No matter how much we wish for it. Thus, I believe. I am an [Acolyte]. I have faith.”
“But how can you be if—”
“I believe in the Antinium. I believe in Heaven. I believe there is an afterlife, that miracles are possible, and I believe in Gods. Just as I believe the Antinium have none.”
Pawn said it simply, and spoke the truth. He believed. He believed the Soldiers who had died would not be swept away into ash and dust. He had to believe in that, because he could not trust a God to do it for him.
“I don’t know what to say.”
Ryoka seemed breathless, caught between laughter and tears, incredulity and wonder. She shook her head, half-smiling.
“If I could bring you back to my world and introduce you to the Pope, or the Dalai Lama, or…or…a Jehovah’s Witness…I can’t do this. I’m not qualified to tell you anything.”
She looked at Pawn, a bit sadly, regretfully.
“I don’t believe, Pawn. I don’t, although I think there is a…a God in this world. But I would refuse to believe in him or her or it. And yet…I can’t tell you you’re wrong. I think you’re right to believe. I’m just worried.”
“Because belief is dangerous.”
“Of course.”
Ryoka Griffin sighed. She seemed old, tired. She looked at the ceiling as Mrsha slunk by her feet, chastised by Maran. Ryoka bent down to pet Mrsha, and the Gnoll stared up at her and Pawn. A child. But not a dog.
At last, Ryoka reached a decision. She took a breath and nodded, and then looked at Pawn.
“I think…yeah, I think I should tell you all about it. It’s only right, and it might help. I’ll tell Klbkch the same.”
“Tell me what?”
Ryoka smiled crookedly.
“Religions, Pawn. Not just one. Erin told you about Christianity, right? Well, I’ll fill in any gaps she might have missed and…let’s call it context. I read the Bible back to front. And I know…well, I know a bit about other religions, too. Buddhism, Sikhism, Shinto, Zoroastrianism…not everything, but I can tell you more than Erin did. If you’ll let me, I’d like to tell you about other religions, the good and the bad.”