by J. N. Chaney
The memory of my former life didn’t even feel real. I couldn’t remember my real parents’ names or recall their faces with any significant amount of detail, or whether I had any other family. The one time I’d tried to search Rena Bennet on the gal-net, it had resulted in the loss of privileges for a whole month. The search yielded no information, so it hadn’t even been worth it.
They kept solitary in perpetual darkness, supposedly as a way to clear the mind and focus on redemption, but that was bullshit. It was about control. And thanks to my father and the military, I had that in spades. Usually.
I’d learned how to manage fear long ago. It was all in the mind. The fear could only rule me if I let it.
Deliberately, I slowed my breathing, forcing myself to breathe in deep through my nose and out my mouth. I focused on the process, letting my thoughts calm on their own. It didn’t take long before my chest rose and fell evenly and my heart beat at its usual steady rhythm.
Nothing in this room could hurt me, I rationalized. In fact, this might be one of the safest places in the ship.
Unless a spider crawls on you, I pictured Sophie saying. Her face wrinkled up in an expression of disgust and I smiled, the claustrophobia already lifting.
Now, like so long ago, I began to plan my next steps. One thing was clear—I had to get my shit together. As much as it might chafe, I agreed with Navari on one count. I wasn’t a true Sarkonian. Somewhere along the way, I’d forgotten that, striving to be one of them by being the perfect soldier. I’d become desensitized to their cruelty, convincing myself that avoiding killing was enough.
I had believed that saving up and leaving the military to settle elsewhere in the Sarkonian Empire was my goal. Mat’s death opened my eyes again, reminding me how little loyalty Sarkonians had, even for one of their own.
Cold, calculating anger slowly replaced the grief and I forgot everything else.
I knew what I had to do. It was time to leave.
After my release from solitary, they’d be watching me closely, so I’d have to be smart. Anything unusual would be noticed. Sophie would probably help if I asked, but I would never involve my friend. Dragging her into my mess would only make things difficult for her.
It pained me to realize that I’d probably never see her again if my plan was successful. Besides Mateo, she was the only person I’d ever been close to.
But that couldn’t be helped. I couldn’t be a part of the Sarkonian Empire any longer, and so I plotted.
The way I saw it, there were three major problems. Identity papers topped the list. My leave had already been restricted for the next six months and I wasn’t going to wait that long. Any unordered travel would immediately send up a red flag and I’d be back in solitary quicker than you could say “slip tunnel.” So, if I wanted passage on a ship, it was going to require documents that could pass scrutiny.
Which led me to the next problem. Transportation. My face was too well known on the Ambiana to use fake identification. This was where not having any other close friends would bite me in the ass. If I knew someone that would agree to smuggle me out or overlook the credentials it would have been easier.
Since I didn’t, that meant I had to disappear on a mission or take one of the Dreadnight’s shuttles somewhere close enough to reach a colony or station. That would be a little harder because the upgraded ship would be able to catch one if its own shuttles in seconds. Then I had to hope I could disappear once I made it to another station and purchase passage on another transport vessel.
And that highlighted problem number three. All of this would require funds. Moving large sums of money would be difficult without being conspicuous. It wouldn’t surprise me to find that my father was monitoring my accounts, even those he didn’t control. I supposed it was possible to move the money in small increments, but even that was dangerous and likely to be noticed.
There were, of course, other obstacles to be considered. Even if I used all of my money getting out, it wouldn’t be hard for someone like me to get a job. There was always a market for mercs, and with my skill set I could do well there. If the papers were clean enough, I could hunt bounties.
If not, I could do the Renegade thing. That thought gave me pause and I frowned in the dark. Some liked the idea of a lawless life and boozing their way through the galaxy, but not me. To be fair, I’d never met one, but the stories I’d heard painted an unflattering picture. Still, if that was what it took to survive, that was what I’d do.
The Sarkonian government would put a price on my head once my betrayal was discovered. They would come after me. The Sarkonian Empire might not be as big as the Union, or have the same resources, but I’d be looking over my shoulder and sleeping with one eye open for the rest of my life.
The Union might even pose another problem. Would the tentative alliance between the two governments extend to returning fugitives? I wouldn’t have thought so before, but we had the Dreadnight in a Sarkonian warship that suggested otherwise.
And so it went. With no way to tell how long I’d been in the cell, all I could do was pass the time by planning and breaking it up with short bursts of exercise.
The meager size of the cell limited my forms to sit-ups and modified pushups. I half expected the guards to stop me, but they didn’t. As odd as it felt to perform drills while blind, it was better than doing nothing and it helped to take my mind off things, at least for a little while.
Occasionally, a barely edible meal arrived on a silicone tray without silverware, accompanied by another smaller silicone cup filled with water. A guard pushed the sorry offerings through a slot in the door wordlessly and closed the slot again once I’d taken the tray. Calling the tasteless slop food seemed a stretch, and I gained a new appreciation for the cooks in the mess hall.
I couldn’t be sure, but the gnawing ache in my empty stomach told me chow time only came once per day. If I was right, then by my calculations, it had been four days.
I tried not to think about how those four days had already felt like a lifetime. Honestly, I’d take torture over the mind-numbing boredom that plagued me now. I could only plan so much in my head before losing my sense of organization. I would need a pad to really flesh it out and that was out of the question for the time being.
Somehow, I made it through though and by the end of the week, despite their best efforts, I was holding it together. Still, I played the part of penitent soldier, keeping my head down and following orders obediently.
Being processed out didn’t take long. I’d gone in wearing nothing but the clothes on my back, as all of my personal belongings had stayed on the Dreadnight. I wondered briefly whether they had been moved to my and Sophie’s quarters.
I exited the detention center with my head held high, and like my arrival from the Dreadnight there was plenty of whispering and pointing. Less than before, but still. And unless I was mistaken, some of my fellow soldiers had looks of awe on their faces.
Interesting.
Without my personal pad, I felt disconnected and hurried the rest of the way to my room, hoping to find Sophie.
To my great relief she was there and leaped up from the bottom bunk, nearly hitting her head, before rushing over to me. She didn’t even hesitate before throwing her arms around me. At first, I didn’t know how to react, so foreign was the action. Then I hugged her back fiercely, genuinely surprised at how the gesture moved me. It felt… good.
All at once, a memory flashed clear in my mind. A woman with hair the same shade as mine hugged me, comforting me. I couldn’t say why, but I felt an intense connection to the woman. Then Sophie let me go and the image faded as soon as it arrived.
“Are you okay?” my friend asked, lines of worry etched into her expression as she inspected me. She’d taken a step back but hadn’t released me completely and her hands grasped mine.
“I’m fine, really.” I nodded and gave her fingers a quick squeeze like my mother had done before leaving the interrogation room. “How much did you h
ear?”
“Not much,” admitted Sophie, finally releasing her grip on me. “Navari looked pretty pissed after your debrief and I know they dropped most of the charges, but the bitch has been pretty tight-lipped about the whole thing.”
Anger flashed in her eyes and I barely kept my mouth from going slack at her words. I’d never heard Sophie refer to any superior with that kind of disrespect, even in casual conversation.
“It went better than I could have hoped,” I told her, still kind of shocked by how it had played out.
“A rumor made the rounds that your father was here. I assume that had something to do with it?”
I nodded tightly. “You could say that. Though it was to prevent embarrassment for him more than help me. He recommended solitary,” I said darkly.
“The bastard.” She knew enough of my childhood to be outraged for me, but not all of it. Not even Mateo knew what I had endured.
“I’ve had it worse,” I said with a shrug. “And it’s over now. Besides that, I got docked pay and am confined to the Ambiana for the next six months.”
“You shouldn’t have even gotten that,” she said indignantly. “Navari made a bad call and deserved to have her ass kicked. Haas too.”
“It wasn’t for lack of trying,” I replied dryly.
Her fierce expression faded a bit, replaced by something else. Guilt maybe.
“I’m sorry for not stepping in,” she said, looking down at her feet. “The feed was playing on a monitor and I saw what happened to Mat. I didn’t want to add fuel to the fire but I should’ve helped.”
“No, you made the right call. Who knows what would’ve happened if you had,” I pointed out, placing a hand on her shoulder. “Navari would have come down on you just as hard and my father’s help probably wouldn’t have extended to you.”
All of her support made me want to share my plans with her. I seriously considered it for a few moments before deciding against it. Just because I would be condemned to a life of running and hiding didn’t mean Sophie should be too. She had family and people that cared about her.
“Look, I need a shower. Haven’t had one since the day we left,” I said.
Sophie wrinkled her nose and backed up a few more steps, waving her hand dramatically. “I didn’t want to say anything, but that’s probably a good idea.”
“Hey, I’m just thankful there was a toilet instead of a bucket or hole in the ground,” I said with a laugh.
“Okay, go enjoy a shower. You want me to go get some food?”
“Gods yes. Literally anything will be fine as long as I can chew it.” Relief and gratitude flowed through me in equal measure. I’d been ready to skip eating altogether, even though I was starving, just to avoid going to the mess and dealing with people.
“Okay, I’ll be back soon,” she promised before heading out the door.
In the shower, I ran the water as hot as it would go and scrubbed until my skin was raw. I wanted to erase the grime and memories from the last couple weeks. The heat ran out long before I was ready, forcing me out of the cold spray.
There had been infrared cameras in my cell, I was sure of it, so I’d never given in to the raw grief and let the tears flow. Stepping out of the small shower, knowing I was alone, it was tempting to let the emotion in, even just a little.
Instead, I steeled my resolve for the coming challenges and began to formulate the first steps in earnest.
8
The next day, things went back to normal. At least, as much as they could. We got new orders to report to the Dreadnight, despite our recent loss. Not that I’d really expected anything else, but it seemed disrespectful.
I couldn’t help myself and had checked Mat’s official records when Sophie left the room for a little while the night before. They hadn’t even bothered to identify him as KIA which pissed me off royally. Lieutenant-Mateo-Kamal was listed officially as MIA, possibly a prisoner of war. Regardless, the Sarkonian Empire didn’t stop conquering for one fallen soldier. Hell, they didn’t even pause for thousands.
So, I packed my emotions and a ruck, then sent my bigger gear ahead. I’d expected to find things missing or abused, but it was all there, even down to the new token Sophie had given me, though I was seriously doubting its powers of luck.
I left before her for a couple reasons, the first being that I hoped to give the appearance of falling in line. The second, far more important reason involved Sophie.
Our friendship was well known and would put a target on her back as soon as what I’d done was discovered. They’d pull her into interrogation, and I had to make sure she could deny everything. I’d realized the night before what I would have to do. Pushing my best friend away would hurt us both, but I’d take that over her suffering for me. In order to do that, I had to distance myself from her, starting now.
Sophie had attempted to talk to me all morning, but I’d given her one-word answers and non-committal gestures, then left without saying bye. The crestfallen look on her face tore a hole in my heart but I told myself it was for the best.
It put me in a foul mood, and I was sullen by the time I reached the ship. I hadn’t seen Navari since my incarceration and I had no idea what to expect. Steeling myself for the worst, I schooled my features into calm, even lines before ascending the ramp and facing whatever fresh hell awaited me.
Navari stood in the cargo bay talking to someone I couldn’t see with her back to me.
“No witnesses—” she was saying. When Navari heard my approach, she stopped almost abruptly and turned to face me.
I got a good look at the man with her but didn’t recognize him. He looked to be mid-thirties, with dirty blonde hair cropped so close to his head, it almost looked shaved. A wicked-looking scar slashed through his right eyebrow, then continued directly over his blue eye and down his cheek, giving him a formidable presence. It only took a second to see that it didn’t match the left eye, which looked hazel.
The man was built like a destroyer and looked about as heavy, all of it muscle. Even with all of my formidable skills, this was one person I wouldn’t want to tangle with.
Then he looked dead at me without blinking and I had to admit, it gave me anything but the warm fuzzies. Because I wanted to take a step back, I moved forward instead. My father always said I had to face my fears. Even if they appeared in the form of a muscle enhanced super soldier.
I’d heard stories about the Union having cyber soldiers called Reapers, grunts that had been… updated. This man didn’t look like he’d been augmented to that extreme, but there was no way he was just one of us. For one, he stood differently, muscles taut, yet somehow at ease. The way he hadn’t looked at me but through me was unnatural. Second, his fatigues didn’t match our unit and were unlike any I’d ever seen in the Sarkonian military.
“Sergeant, this is Dolph, our newest team member, and Kamal’s replacement.” Navari waved a hand loosely at him and smiled widely at me. Any empathy she’d had over Mateo’s death was long gone.
Her words were meant to evoke a response, but I had come prepared. There was a wall stronger than neutronium constructed around my heart and the barb missed its mark. I did find it curious that Navari didn’t introduce Dolph with his rank, though.
I nodded curtly at the beast of a man but declined to speak.
Navari’s smirk faded, just enough to tell me I’d been right about why she’d said the words, before a noise behind us drew her attention.
“Corporal-Singh,” she said, then made introductions between her and the mysterious Dolph again.
Apparently, Sophie hadn’t come prepared, because her mouth dropped open and she gaped at Navari for a few long seconds before managing to close it again.
“C-commander,” she sputtered, throwing a frantic glance at me.
I shook my head microscopically, trying to warn her off. The last thing I needed was the Commander pissed at her, that being the exact opposite idea of my plan.
“What?” asked Navari, her tone qu
iet but with a lethal edge to it.
“It’s just that, well, sir, aren’t we supposed to train with new team members prior to a mission?” replied Sophie, making a quick recovery.
“That is usual protocol,” the commander grudgingly agreed. “However, this is time-sensitive and fairly simple. So long as everyone follows orders.”
She looked pointedly at me with those last words, but I didn’t react for that either. I got the feeling that Navari had still hoped for a response from me and it gave me great pleasure to disappoint her.
“Ensign-Haas is already aboard,” she continued. “Stow your gear and report to the bridge. Take off in ten.”
I headed in the direction of my quarters, but Sophie caught up to me, huffing slightly from the weight of her pack.
“Hey, wait up,” she said when we were out of earshot, trying to match my pace.
“What is it, Corporal?” I asked coolly, not slowing or looking at her. Still, I saw her jerk slightly out of the corner of my eye.
“Okaaay,” she said, drawing out the word in what sounded like an attempt to cover her pain. “What’s with you right now? Is it the Dolph guy? I totally understand if it is.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I bit out, stopping briefly at my door to dig my badge out. “Why don’t you mind your business and worry about doing your job this time?”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” she said as the door slid open.
I steeled myself before turning around and pinning her with a glare. “It means,” I said, injecting venom into each word, “if I hadn’t been so concerned with protecting you, Mateo would still be alive.”
Sophie took a step back, misery on her face. She looked as though I’d just delivered a roundhouse kick to her head and I felt rotten.
“Eva… you don’t mean that. You can’t.”
My resolve almost broke at the raw pain I was causing my best friend, but I stayed strong and delivered the final blow. “I should have let those girls kick your ass,” I spat. “Just stay away from me.”