Her Destiny

by Monica Murphy

  She’s worth it. After being without her for far too long, I realized I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to see her. I needed her.

  So I went in search of her. And as if a guardian angel was smiling down upon me, I found her easily. I remembered vaguely the name of the school she went to and went there first. Watched as she hopped a city bus about an hour after school let out, cute as hell in her uniform. I followed the bus like some sort of stalker, pulling across the street when she exited the bus and walked into the restaurant named Seville’s.

  And she never walked back out of it. That’s when it hit me. My girl was actually working for a living like me, as a waitress. Unbelievable. Today has been full of revelations. Not all of them particularly good.

  The traffic light gods must be on my side because I cruise through an endless amount of green lights, coming upon the very bus I watched Reverie disappear into. I pull alongside it, staring into the dimly lit interior and I see her sitting near the window. We stop at a traffic light and I hit the brakes, sitting alongside the bus, watching her. She looks so damn pretty in her black coat, her blond hair so bright against the dark fabric, her eyebrows knit together as she chews on her lower lip, staring at nothing.

  “Look at me,” I whisper into the otherwise stillness of the truck cab, wishing she could hear me. “See me, Reverie. If you do, it means you still care.”

  She releases her lip from her teeth and presses her forehead against the window, closing her eyes. She looks like she’s in so much pain, as if she’s hurting and hell if my heart feels like it’s fucking cracking, knowing I’m probably the one to blame. I roll down my window, blinking against the raindrops the wind blows in and I say her name, yell it into the darkness.

  “Reverie!”

  She opens her eyes as if she can hear me, her gaze meeting mine and I wait, my heart lodged in my throat, the lump so big I can hardly swallow.

  Her lips part and she takes a breath, I see the movement of her chest as she inhales. She stares at me for a long, charge-filled moment and then she mouths one single word that splits my heart wide open.

  Sorry.

  Then she turns away, presenting the back of her head to me. The light turns green and the bus lurches forward but I don’t move. I’m too stunned that my girl just flat out rejected me while riding the city bus.

  I don’t fucking get it.

  A horn sounds behind me but I still don’t move. I can’t believe she turned away from me. Just can’t freaking believe it.

  I came all this way for nothing.

  Another angry honk blares and I hit the gas, my tires screeching as I burn rubber across the wet asphalt. I still follow the bus, it’s like I can’t stop now. Anger pulses through me, settling low in my gut, fueling me, driving me on. There’s no way I’m going to let her end this with a mouthed sorry and that’s it. We need to talk. I need to tell her what happened. Hell, she needs to tell me what happened.

  I track the bus, hanging back when it makes stops, keeping pace when it drives through the quiet city streets. When it stops in front of an apartment building and Reverie emerges, the relief that surges through me is almost overwhelming. Finally she’s out of that trap. Maybe now I can talk to her.

  I park quickly and practically fly out of the truck, following after her through the buildings, calling her name as I chase after her. It’s like she hears my voice and hurries her steps, glancing over her shoulder furtively before she launches herself into a full out run.

  Not deterred, I do the same, catching up with her fast, thank God. I grab hold of her arm, stopping her in her tracks and forcing her to look at me.

  “What the hell are you doing?” I ask her, out of breath. Furious at her reaction, at the crappy weather, at the circumstances we’re in now. I wish we could go back to the past. Return to last summer, when everything was new and tentative and exciting. When I could sneak a kiss with her in the stables and no one was the wiser beyond the horses.

  “Go away, Nick,” she says, her voice stern, her expression blank. She jerks out of my hold, glaring at me as she rubs her arm like I hurt her or something. “There’s nothing between us anymore so just…stop.”

  “Stop what? Stop trying to talk to you? That’s all I want, Reverie. To talk to you.” I refuse to beg. There’s just no way I can do that. But I won’t back down without a fight either.

  I’m tired of rolling over and letting shit happen to me. I need to man up and take control of my life.

  “There’s nothing to say. We’re finished, Nick.” Her eyes look like they’re glistening, like she’s about to cry, but then she blinks and the tears are gone. Like they were never really there and I wonder if I’m seeing things. “It was nice, what we shared this summer, but that’s over. We’re over.”

  My blood runs cold at the sound of her voice, at the finality of her words. “Is that how you really feel?” I ask, my voice so low I almost don’t hear my own damn self.

  She nods jerkily, her lips pressed together so tight they nearly disappear. “Yes,” she whispers. “I’m a mess. You don’t want to be with me. Not really.”

  The chill in my veins warms the slightest bit. “You’re not a mess, baby. I’m the one who’s a mess because I don’t have you in my life.”

  Her expression wavers, her gaze softening, but otherwise she remains stoic. “You don’t mean that. I’ve changed. I’m not the same person I was before when you first met me.”

  How could she have changed that much when it’s only been a few months since we met? Though I feel like a different person since the beginning of the summer so I guess it’s possible.

  “I don’t care. I know things have changed in your life but it doesn’t matter. Things have changed for me too.” I mean every word I say. I know life hasn’t been fair to her lately and I want to help her. Take care of her. Make her life easier. It’s hard without her, but together?

  Together I think the two of us could conquer our demons and rule the world.

  “Oh, Nick.” She shakes her head, her eyes closing for the briefest moment as she glances up at the sky, as if she’s searching for the right words to say. Searching for strength. “Too much has happened. You’ve hurt me. I’ve hurt you. I’m not the same person anymore. Not at all.”

  She sounds so grown up, so sure of everything, and I’m more confused than ever. How did I hurt her? All I ever wanted was to protect her. “So you don’t want to give us another chance.” My voice is flat, my emotions the same. I feel defeated. A feeling I’m used to. One I wanted to fight against only moments ago.

  But why fight against someone who’s not willing to try?

  “It wouldn’t be the same and you know it. I’m a different girl. One you probably wouldn’t like.”

  I stare at her, drinking in her familiar features, her familiar smell. She doesn’t look different though she’s acting different, more sure of herself yet also so weary with the world. The innocent sheen is gone. Destroyed completely.

  “Think about it,” I say, refusing to give up. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Reverie.”

  Before she can say a word I turn on my heel and walk away from her, not once looking back. I head straight to my truck, my footsteps determined, my mind churning with the possibilities. She may think it’s over but it’s not.

  Not by a long shot.

  ***

  November 13th

  “Do you work tonight?”

  Nodding, I take a drink of my soda, glancing around the quad as Vanessa, Valerie and I stand outside. School let out almost an hour ago but we remained behind, working on an English project together in the library. We hit up the soda machine outside of the cafeteria and I grabbed a Coke, needing the caffeine rush before I go on to Seville’s. I’m exhausted and tonight is guaranteed to be a busy one. “My shift starts at five-thirty.”

  “You’re tied up there every Friday night. Don’t you hate it?” Vanessa asks.

  I snort laugh, an attractive sound I’m sure but I don’t really care. I�
�m among friends. They won’t judge. “It doesn’t really matter since I have no social life beyond you two.”

  “You used to have one,” Valerie points out, her tone the faintest shade of snide. Her smile is smug too. She still likes to poke at me for what I did to them, not that I can blame her. “For a brief, shining moment.”

  “A moment I’d rather forget,” I say wryly, hating yet again that she brings up my minor foray into the party scene. I can’t seem to escape it either. Tally approached me just the other day, asking if I wanted to hit up a new club with her on Saturday. She said she knew the bouncer and he could get us in for free, no worries on the lack of ID/underage thing.

  I turned her down as nice as I could, not wanting any trouble, and Tally was cool with it. But Valerie watched the conversation go down and I think she gets a sick thrill out of beating me up about it.

  “I think they’d take you back into their fold if you went to them,” she says, almost as if she’s daring me to try it.

  “Well, I don’t want to so I guess you don’t have to worry about it.” I roll my eyes at Vanessa who offers me a sympathetic smile in return. I swear Val is still mad at me and I don’t know what I can do to change her mind. “Like I have time to party anyway. I’m too busy either at work or at school.”

  “What’s Evan doing? Is he working as hard as you are?” Vanessa asks nonchalantly but I know there’s purpose behind her question. She’s had a crush on him for a while and likes to keep tabs on what he’s doing, though she’d never come out and admit it.

  “Harder.” He feels so responsible for our wellbeing and I keep telling him I can help with as much as possible. He always blows me off though, telling me he’s got it under control. I came home last night and he wasn’t there, making me feel awfully alone. So alone, I’d been tempted to go after Nick last night and beg him to stay with me.

  But I didn’t. I can’t. No matter how good he looked when I first saw him at the bus stop, how much I wanted to run into his arms and tell him to never, ever let me go, bringing him back into my life won’t work right now. It’s complicated enough. I don’t need to add him to the mix. I can’t give him what he wants. I’m not who he wants anymore.

  I know it.

  “What about your parents?” Valerie asks.

  “What about them?” I drain the last of my Coke and toss the plastic bottle in the recycle bin as we walk by. I don’t want to talk about my parents, not even to my closest friends. It’s embarrassing, what’s happened. How they treat us like we don’t even exist. I mean really, who does that sort of thing?

  Oh yeah, my mom and dad.

  “Where are they? Have you heard from them? Are they sending you and Evan any money? Are they helping you at all?” Vanessa’s tossing out questions with rapid fire precision and I shake my head, irritated.

  “A firm no would cover all of your questions,” I say grimly. I’m so uncomfortable it’s not even funny. Talking about my parents is difficult, let alone admitting all their faults. “I don’t really know where they are and neither does Evan.”

  “Wait, are you serious?” Vanessa comes to a stop, her eyes wide, expression slightly horrified. They both look surprised but they shouldn’t be. This is my life now. Nonexistent parents leaving their kids on their own to figure life out, that’s what we’ve become. While I like the independence to a point, I sometimes miss my mom and dad. More than anything, I miss the security my family represented. When we were all together, we were taken care of. That’s what family does, they take care of each other. The least they could do is reach out to us.

  But we don’t even get that.

  “Serious.” I nod once and I start walking quicker, my steps determined. I want out of here. I need out of here. There’s so much going on and it’s hard for me to handle it all. And it doesn’t help that Nick mysteriously shows up last night, looking so cute and sweet and so incredibly happy to see me.

  What do I go and do? I ditch him. Tell him to leave me alone. Hop on the bus and try my best to get rid of him. How awful am I?

  Pretty freaking awful.

  That he didn’t give up, that he kept coming after me, should’ve given me some sort of hope. But it didn’t. I felt guilty, pushing him away. Why can’t he make this easy and leave me completely alone? It would’ve been so much simpler, to stick with Evan and get through school. Once I graduate, life will become a little easier. One less thing to do.

  One long life left to live, with not much hope on the horizon.

  Get over your pitiful yourself.

  “I’m so sorry Rev,” Valerie says, her voice full of pity. She’s not shown me much sympathy since we’ve resumed our friendship so I’m surprised. The last thing I want from my friends is pity. I don’t want it from anyone.

  “I don’t want to talk about this.” I sling my backpack over my shoulders and head toward the front entrance. I need to get on the bus soon. Get away from my friends’ questions too. “I have to go to work.”

  “Want to get together tomorrow for lunch?” Vanessa asks.

  I shake my head as I hurry toward the bus stop. “I can’t. I have to work tomorrow afternoon and I have a paper to write.”

  “Paper on what?”

  “My essay for the financial aid and scholarship forms.” I am so dreading writing that paper. I have no idea what to say. And it feels like a waste of time because I’m fairly certain I won’t get a scholarship or any sort of help. Not because my grades suck, but because they’ll base everything on my parents’ past income. It doesn’t matter that all their money was taken away. They still supposedly earned it.

  “Want us to help you?” Vanessa reaches out and grabs my arm, stopping me. I turn to look at her, hating the sympathy I see her gaze. “We’re here for you, Rev. You know this, right?”

  Smiling faintly, I reach out and pat her arm. “Yes. I know.” Pausing, I fight the emotion—and tears—that threaten. “Thank you.”

  I have the best friends ever. Despite the fact we’re making plans to get together on a Saturday night to write an essay and study for our trig test—which is just lame—they don’t protest. They want to help me.

  More than I can say about my own parents.

  “Reverie?”

  I glance up at the sound of Elaine’s voice to find her standing in the doorway of the kitchen, her shoulder propping the swing door open, her expression grave. “What’s up?” I ask with a feigned sort of cheerfulness that rings false to my ears.

  “There’s someone here to see you. He’s waiting at the front.”

  Fear settles in my stomach and I stand, smoothing my hands down the front of my shirt. “Who is it? I need to get back on the floor since my break is up.”

  “You can go over your break, I won’t dock you.” She smiles but it’s as false as my supposedly happy tone. I notice she didn’t answer my question about who’s waiting for me either.

  With heavy footsteps I exit the kitchen and head toward the front of the restaurant, my heart racing so hard the sound is roaring in my ears. Frank sends me a sympathetic glance as I pass by him and focus my gaze on the hostess stand, where I see a tall man standing in front of the counter. He’s wearing a uniform.

  He’s a police officer.

  I flash him a polite smile as I stop beside the hostess stand, clutching my hands in front of me.

  “Are you Reverie Hale?” He already knows I am, I can tell. Wariness fills me and I wish I could run but I don’t.

  Instead I nod, not saying a word. Good lord, it’s finally happened. The cops are here to talk to me about my parents. What do I say to this man? I don’t want to protect my mom and dad but I can’t lie either. Not that I know much since everyone kept me in the dark.

  “I’m Detective Jacoby—how are you.” He reaches out, offering his hand and I take it, startled by the firm pump he gives my arm before he lets my hand drop. “I need to talk to you about Nicholas Fairfield.”

  Blinking, I take a step back, startled at the mention of Nick
’s name. That’s the last thing I expected to hear. “Oh. Um, I don’t know how I can help you…”

  “You seen him lately?” He interrupts, his penetrating stare locked right on me and I look away, instantly uneasy. “Don’t lie to protect him, little lady. I know he’s come around here looking for you.”

  “Then why did you ask if I’ve seen him since you already knew?” Irritation replaces my fear. I don’t like him calling me little lady. And I don’t like the idea of this mom spying on me either. Standing up taller, I lift my chin and say, “He did come around but we didn’t really talk.”

  He raises a skeptical brow. I’d estimate Detective Jacoby is around Dad’s age, shorter and with a paunch around his middle. He’s watching me like a hawk, looking down the slope of his large nose as if he’s waiting for me to slip up. I’ve got nothing to hide from this man. “From what I understand you two were involved.”

  How in the world would he know that? Who told him? Nick? “Not any longer,” I say.

  “Strange that he’d come all the way here last night and you wouldn’t talk to him.”

  “We’re not together anymore. I told him that and sent him away.”

  “Uh huh. Bet he got real mad after all that driving when you told him to take a hike.” He shoves his hands in his front pockets and leans back on his heels, contemplating me. I watch him in return, not about to back down. I don’t like this man and I’m usually accepting of everyone. But after being tricked for so many years, I’ve come to trust no one.

  I hardly trust myself, or my instincts.

  “He wasn’t mad.” Sad and disappointed and shocked, oh yes. I can’t get rid of the vision of him staring at me when I got on the bus. I know he couldn’t believe I walked away from him.

  I still can’t believe I did either.

  “You sure about that? Fairfield has a bit of a temper.”

  This detective is trying to bait me or scare me, I’m not sure which. “Nicholas Fairfield is the most giving, sweetest person I’ve ever met. If he has a temper, he’s never shown it around me.”