He dropped his chin, expression serious as Sara had ever seen it. “I can see now, too, that had I faced the situation squarely and looked into my heart, I would’ve seen what was goin’ on, and maybe avoided a whole lot of heartache, not just for me, but for a whole slew of people.”
Sensing how hard it had been for him to tell her this, Sara squeezed Cade’s arm in support. “Cade. You mustn’t continue to blame yourself for what happened. It’s past. And even if I hadn’t seen it for myself in that first dream of him that I had, every instinct in me tells me Loren certainly doesn’t blame you.”
“And I thank you for that assurance, now and from before. I don’t blame myself, not anymore. You’re right, what’s happened has happened. I can’t change it.”
He turned to her, and with infinite gentleness extracted his arm from her grasp. That sense of portent infused her again. “But I do have a choice in how I deal with what’s happened between us...with what’s happened to you.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, searching his face for clues.
He didn’t bat an eyelash but held her gaze. “The only way I know to play this out, Sara, is with complete truth between us. And much as I wish it weren’t true, I really believe that if there’s a reason you’re not remembering your past, it’s me.”
He was right, of course. Whenever she got close to that edge that seemed to fall off into the nothing of her past, he’d been there to pull her back.
Something in his tone, though, in his eyes, made her heart stop with completeness. “What are you saying, Cade?”
“You don’t need me anymore. You’ve got Sarah Ann and Loren. Baby Cade. I’m askin’ you to release me from my promise to you.”
“But...why, Cade?”
His face had gone pale as marble, was as immobile and cold. Except for those golden-brown eyes that burned bright with emotion.
“Because the only way you’ll remember your husband, Sara, is if I leave you.”
Chapter Ten
“YOU’RE...L-LEAVING?” SARA REPEATED numbly. Suddenly, she felt as if she’d topple over and reached out blindly for Cade’s support.
To his credit, he hesitated not a second but responded by clasping her upper arms, shoring her up. It gave her the least bit of hope she could talk him out of this silly notion.
Because it was wrong! Wrong for both of them. She knew it in her heart.
“Yes,” he answered calmly. “Tomorrow. If it helps at all, Sara, I’d be going even if it weren’t for the situation between us. I have to—for myself and my future. I entered Destiny in a cutting show in Austin, and from there I figure I’ll stay on the road and hit as many stock shows and horse shows as I can to try to scare up some interest in my horse-training skills. That aim hasn’t changed at all, Sara.”
“Why, though? Why must you leave?”
“Because—because I don’t seem to be able to stop myself from doin’ just this, Sara.” His fingers clenched around her arms.
His face was ravaged by the guilt she’d seen in him so often, as well as the anger. “It’s like I’ve got no choice in the matter. There’s somethin’ in me that won’t be denied. But it has to be! I’m keepin’ you from remembering. As long as I’m here, it’s not going to happen.”
Sara seized upon those words. “What about what you said, though, that you can’t make anything happen in training Destiny? How you can only let it happen by making that your goal—to simply let what happens happen.” She clung to his jacket front, almost as if she were afraid he’d disappear before her eyes. “Why can’t you do that with anything else in your life? Why can’t you trust that’ll happen with me?”
“It seems to me I’m not the one with the problem with trusting, Sara,” Cade said, sounding ever so cold, all of the sudden. “Otherwise, why would you try to erase your past from your mind? Why’ve you blocked your husband from your mind?”
A jolt of fear charged through her. “I told you, I don’t know—”
“You say you can’t stop loving me any more than you can stop yourself from loving your baby, but you can’t change or outrun your destiny, either, and that’s what you’ve done with Greg Childress.”
He shook her slightly. “What was it about his dying that you couldn’t bear, so much so you had to make it not’ve happened, if only in your own mind?”
“I don’t know!” Sara tore herself from
Cade’s grasp and whirled, running away from him, her direction aimless. But he was right. She couldn’t escape him or the truth he bore....
She found herself at the corral, with no notion of how she’d gotten there. The corral, where she and Cade had first confronted the forces at play in both of them.
There was nothing wrong in those emotions, nor in the connection they gave rise to between Cade and her! There was nothing wrong, either, with where such feelings sprang from within them, or with her and
Cade’s expression of them. Never in a million years would he convince her of that!
That wasn’t what he was trying to do, though, and deep down she knew it. That’s why she’d run.
Sara grabbed hold of the top railing on the wooden fence as if it would somehow keep her from being wrested from this time and place. Her breath was coming in huge gulps of air as she tried to stay oriented to the here and now, tried to stay calm.
Then she remembered: Cade’s promise. Even if he did leave, she still had that precious gift. The thought was like finding a refuge with chaos raging all around.
Sara turned to find Cade standing a few feet away, breathing hard, his cheeks red with cold and exertion, his brown eyes no longer cold but blazing with worry and fear. He’d apparently shadowed her every step here, ready to catch her if she stumbled.
Yes, she still had that precious gift he’d given her.
“I don’t know why I’ve forgotten Greg Childress,” Sara said simply. “And I don’t know why I would have wanted to block him or our life together from my mind. But whatever the reason, I have to believe it will become clear to me when the time is right, and not before.”
She lifted her chin. “And if you think that means I’m running from my responsibilities—to my child, or his father, or even to myself—then go ahead. I—I simply can’t play this out any other way at the moment.”
He said nothing for a long moment. Then he nodded. “I’m—I’m glad to hear it, Sara. Because then you can appreciate why I have to do what I believe is right, to be true and good. For you, and for Baby Cade.”
“Which is to leave?” she asked. “Because don’t for one second fool yourself, Cade, that you’re not running from your fate, too, the love between us that was born the night Baby Cade was, whether either of us wanted it to or not!”
He took an angry step forward. “Sara, I’m not runnin’ from my responsibilities. Or my destiny. Training horses is what I’ve always been meant to do, and maybe for the first time in my life I’m following my heart. But as long as I stay, I feel like I’m keepin’ you from your fate—from remembering your past.”
He took another step closer, and she could see actually that he wasn’t angry but desperate. “Think about it. What if I stayed, let us both get more involved, and you did regain your memory and discovered you couldn’t let go of your love for your husband? I know you, Sara—it’d tear you apart to know that love in all of its force and realize how you’d forsaken it, whatever the reason.”
A muscle leaped in his jaw as he clenched it before going on hoarsely. “And I gotta be completely honest here. I won’t be happy so long as I feel you’re not able to bear the pain that kind of love brings along with its joy. Sure, we knew some of that joy up close and personal, bringin’ Baby Cade into the world. But it’s stayin’ steady through the rough times, the darkest times, that carves that love into two people’s souls, so that they make a promise to fulfill
their destiny together in this life. And if that’s what you had with Greg, that’s not gonna be good for any of us in the long haul.”
He swallowed audibly, and she knew then she’d never seen a man look so bleak.
“That’s why I have to go,” Cade continued raggedly. “I have to. I’m not sayin’ it’s for forever. It’s just...the only way I can think of to keep both of us from making more of a mistake.”
Sara wrapped her arms about her body, trembling with the strength of her emotions. He was wrong to leave! She knew it with every fiber of her being.
Perhaps that wasn’t the issue here, though. Cade stood before her, obviously as torn as ever, but trying with all of his might to do what he believed was right for her and her baby. To do what was right for him, even, which could only benefit them all. Yes, it would destroy something within him to stay, even if she felt something equally as important within her would die to have him leave.
She could scarce draw a breath, so at war with herself was she, as if she again fought a life-and-death struggle, only this time it was for this man.
“So just what would you have me do until that moment of truth arrives, and all is revealed, Cade?” Sara asked.
“Just keep keepin’ the faith, Sara, like you’ve done all along. Knowin’ that you are...well, it might just be the only thing that gets me through.”
She saw then how scared he was, too, and what he stood to lose. And yet, as ever, Cade was facing the challenge squarely. She must show the same strength of spirit.
“All right, then.” Sara set her shoulders, and somehow found a smile within her and pasted it on her face. “We’ll miss you, Baby Cade and I. And we won’t f-forget you, no matter how long you’re gone.”
He reached out a hand as if to touch her cheek, but let it fall between them. “I know, Sara,” was all he said. “I know.”
Sara held out until he’d left, and then sagged against the fence. Despair, as sharp and desperate as ever, attacked her from all sides, giving rise to that awful, terrible fear, now so familiar to her she wondered if she would ever know a time without it. But it was inescapable. Her fate was inescapable; she saw it stretching out before her in stark clarity: she would lose this fine man if she did not fight with everything in her to face down that monstrous fear and know it for what it was.
She had to, even if it went against every instinct in her.
It may be her only chance to bring Cade McGivern back into her life, this time for good.
* * *
FIVE O’CLOCK CAME way too soon, even if Cade had lain awake all night waiting for the hour to chime.
He rose in the dark and dressed except for his boots, which he carried with him to the bathroom and from there down the stairs. He’d put his duffel next to the back door last night, set the coffeemaker on automatic perk, wanting his exit this morning to cause as little disturbance to the household as possible.
All he lacked was loading Destiny into the stock trailer. Then he’d be gone.
He poured three quarters of the pot of coffee into a Thermos, the rest of it into some sort of tipless travel cup Loren had urged upon him last night, telling Cade he’d need it with as much time as he’d be spending on the road.
Taking a few hot swallows to warm his insides before he ventured out into the frigid cold, Cade took a last glance around the kitchen. It had been a different house since Loren and his wife had come. The evenings were filled with the smells of good home cooking and lively conversation. Even Virgil had seemed to forgive him, of a fashion, and it had almost seemed like old times, the three of them together again.
It would be one of the toughest things he’d ever done, leaving here.
But while once he had hoped for nothing more than exactly that, Cade now found it wasn’t enough for him. He wanted more than the past back. He wanted...
“Cade?”
He whipped around, almost spilling his coffee. Sara stood at the kitchen doorway in her long flannel nightgown, her wavy black hair spilling over her shoulders.
“Sara. It’s five o’clock. What’re you
doin’ up?”
Her hands clenched the folds of her nightgown. “You—you weren’t going to leave without saying goodbye, were you? You know, to Baby Cade?”
“I—I didn’t want to wake y’all up,” he said by way of explanation, which was really an excuse.
Her eyes were huge in her wan face. He set his coffee cup on the counter. “Of course I couldn’t leave without seein’ the little mite.”
Brushing past her, he walked down the hall and into the darkened room, lit only by the diffused illumination of the hall light. The baby was awake in his cradle but not at all fussy, his dark eyes bright and alert, tiny mouth working as his pink tongue darted in and out in curiosity.
Feeling like he had to swallow around his entire heart, Cade lifted the young one, holding him before him so he could take in every bit of him, imprint him on his mind.
The baby had lost most of that newborn look, his features rounding out and not so squished and pruny-looking. There was no denying, though, that that shock of black hair was as wild as ever, and Cade wondered if it always would be so. It struck him that there was a possibility that he’d never know. Not that he would never see Sara or the baby again, not by choice. But things happened that parted loved ones, just as they had happened to her husband.
“Well, pardner,” he said, having to clear his throat three times to get even that much out, “guess we won’t be seein’ each other for a while. Y’all be good for your mama, you hear? Time with her is precious. I know. I lost my own mama when I was ten.”
Baby Cade snuffled, making a face like he’d swallowed a bitter pill. “Hey now. I didn’t mean to upset you or anything. Like as not, you’ll both have all the time in the world with each other. Just...don’t forget what I said.”
Cade brought him closer to bestow a tender kiss on his forehead. “Don’t forget...me,” he whispered against that silky-soft surface, as if to imprint himself on the little one’s brain.
Settling the babe back into his cradle, he turned. Sara stood at the entrance to the room, her hand covering her mouth and tears sparkling in those sapphire blue eyes of hers.
“O-oh, Cade,” she choked out.
He held his arms out to her, and she came swiftly into them. He crushed her to him, lips pressed to the top of her head—as if to imprint himself on her and her on him—and arms steeled around her in support as she cried as if she’d never stop.
His own tears crowded his throat. He wondered how he’d ever find the strength to let her go.
“I’m s-sorry for crying,” Sara sobbed, trying to pull away and making a brave attempt to sniff back her tears. “You don’t need this right now.”
Cade wouldn’t hear of it. Holding her closer still, he whispered, “Aw, don’t be sorry, darlin’.”
He lifted her chin, brushing her hair back and wiping away her tears with a soft, “Don’t worry, it’ll be all right.” But she cried all the harder, until he was miserable with her sorrow.
“Sara. Sweet, sweet Sara.” He dipped his head, kissing first one, then another of her tears from her cheek. “It’ll be all right, I promise.”
He kissed another drop that had trailed all the way to her chin, kissed the ones still dampening her eyes and on her wet, tear-soaked lips...
Cade drew back, hands framing her face. She stared up at him, black lashes starred around those blue, blue eyes, that tender, crooked mouth of hers glistening and trembling no longer from her tears but from his kiss.
“We won’t forget you, either of us. I could never forget you, Cade,” she vowed passionately. “Not for anything, anything in the world.”
“Promise?” he asked thickly.
“With all my heart...”
It did Cade no go
od to discover he couldn’t have stopped himself, not for anything, as slowly, inevitably, he leaned closer, then closer still, until his mouth was upon hers.
She still tasted of salty tears, but only for an instant as he kissed them away.
Cade lifted his head. Her eyes remained closed, features soft and rapt, as if she were immersed in that hundred-year sleep he’d first found her in, held bound in a dream of such wonderful scope that waking up didn’t bear contemplating. She even made that same sound in the back of her throat.
Except this dream was the result of the spell he’d cast upon her, and not another man.
He could stand it no longer, but lowered his mouth to take hers again, to try with all his heart to make those dreams come true, if only for a few moments.
Her fingers clenched and unclenched on his shirtfront, then climbed upward to bury themselves in his hair. He gathered her closer still, pressing the soft length of her against him.
Sara gasped, making him jerk away.
“I—I’m sorry,” Cade rasped, forehead against hers and eyes screwed shut in regret. “I just...”
“Cade, no! Don’t be sorry!” He felt her tugging his head up and he opened his eyes to find her gaze upon him, soft and loving.
Cade could only stare in reverence. In the faint light, her skin appeared whiter and finer than ever, and on the chain around her neck lay that band of gold.
He couldn’t go on.
“You’re so...perfect,” Cade whispered miserably. “So beautiful.” He raised his hands before him. “Look at me. I’m rough and callused and clumsy...and—”
He shoved his fingers into his jeans pockets, disgusted.
New Year's Baby (Harlequin Heartwarming) Page 19