But the reality was years had passed, and she was no longer the doe-eyed girl I knew. Instead she’d been replaced with a woman who wore her beauty as a mask, her eyes the only proof that she was still as broken as I felt. And something in me wanted to know why. Regardless of how I treated her, or the way she felt even at fourteen, there’s no reason a woman like her deserved anything but a life filled with happiness. A life flooding with love, a man who makes the self-doubt that invaded her youth disappear, and a house full of children that would never know what it was like to grow up the way me and so many others did.
There was no song and dance when whatever we had ended. It was an unspoken agreement; hers driven by pain, and mine fuelled by regret and revenge. I never planned to hurt her, but old habits die hard, and my hatred for those Michaels twins won out.
Like everything else in my past, it’s not something I’m proud of. I was selfish and determined. I still can be, and when I want something, everything else takes a back seat. There is no such thing as names, faces, and feelings. I have a one-track mind and a body that almost doesn’t feel like mine. My heart, mind, and soul impenetrable. It’s always been a valuable asset. One that allowed me to convince myself I didn’t care about her. One that pushed me to believe the lie, and eventually life moved too fast to worry about the truth.
I’m not as destructive as I used to be, wrong and right a much more obvious path for me now; as an adult, and a father. I'd like to say I’m a changed man, but when you take away the reasons and motivations for all my past behaviours, you realise I’m just no longer driven by circumstances.
Some people try to buy penance by making excuses for their transgressions; whether it’s their age or their upbringing. There are a million shortcomings in my life I could use as reasons for the way I treated her in the end, but none of them, absolutely none, make it right.
Her whiskey coloured eyes told me it hasn’t all been sunshine and roses, things changed, and life happened. Nobody knows that better than me, and when her daughter walked in, looking exactly like the girl I remember, I realised that’s the only version of her I will ever have the privilege of knowing.
From the expression on her face and the words that left her mouth, I knew she couldn’t get away from me quick enough. Though, thanks to Lily, I know another meeting is inevitable. I want it. I want to believe that my reason for being here isn’t just about death, debt, and disloyalty. That maybe there is a rainbow after the storm, in the form of a woman with ears to listen and a forgiving heart. Nothing more, nothing less, just the opportunity to rid myself of some of the guilt that swirls around in my heart and my mind whenever I get lost in memories of the past. A sliver of forgiveness I can wrap up and take with me when I leave this place. Something to remind me I’m not a piece of shit, and that someone else can one day see how hard I’m fucking trying. That changing paid off and being a good father matters.
I want her forgiveness. The more I sit here and think about her, the more I want it. Determination has kept me company through the years. Ups and downs, no obstacle too big, and no hurdle too fucking scary, Sasha Allman included.
I’m a selfish fucker, and I want her to absolve me of all my wrongdoings. To wipe the slate clean, so the next time she looks at me, it’s with warmth, welcome, and understanding. She may not owe me anything, but I’ll ask it of her anyway. And she’ll give it to me. Because the girl I knew could never say no to Jay Evans. I just have to pray when it comes to me and her, somewhere inside, that my Pretty Girl is still there.
* * *
“I’m going to take Lily to school this morning. Is that okay?” I tell, more than ask Max.
“I thought it was my turn,” she says through a full mouth of toast. “Don’t you need to be at the hospital first thing?”
“You can go instead of me, right? I’ll only be half an hour behind you.” I’ve been so strict with times and schedules lately, it’s no wonder Max is looking at me like I’ve lost my mind. She better get used to it, because until I bump into Sasha again, I’m going to be the only one taking Lily, and picking her up from school.
“Whatever suits you.” She hops down off the stool and heads to her bedroom. “I'm going to get ready. I'll see you at the hospital.”
After a messy breakfast, and the first clothes change of the day, Lily and I finally walk into her school. I'm trying to seem nonchalant, keeping my eyes on Lily, stopping them from searching for Sasha.
I place her outside with the rest of the kids and then do my usual routine. Putting her bag in the cubby, I sign her in and leave my usual reminder in the parent communication book: Call me if Lily needs me.
Max tells me I'm being irrational, considering the likelihood of them not calling me if they need me, is slim to none. But I'm a hoverer. It's not something I envisioned for myself, but protecting Lily is like a fire that burns and can't be extinguished. My love for her is something I didn't think I could ever feel, but it's there and it's the driving force for every single thing I do. They say being a parent changes you, but I had no idea how much. I also had no idea how much I would hate my father after holding my daughter in my arms for the very first time. The thought that Leroy and I were once as small as she was; so innocent and faultless. I can’t help but wonder what went wrong. How come we got the guy who didn’t feel the need to protect us or save us. He definitely didn’t love us, because if that was his version of love, I don’t think Leroy and I could’ve survived his hate.
My sun rises and sets with Lily. She is my life, my priority and my motivation. Any good in me is because of her, and for her. She is, and always will be my saving grace. So, if I want to be an overbearing and overprotective parent, then so be it.
I give her a kiss and hug before walking out of the room. Giving myself permission to look around, I notice Sasha is nowhere to be found. My mind spins with ideas to get her in front of me, in theory, she’s so close, but in practice, she’s just that little bit too far.
Footsteps have me looking up, and Holly, a teacher I’ve spoken to a handful of times, is walking in my direction.
“Mr. Evans,” she calls out with a smile. “How is Lily today?”
“She’s getting more comfortable as the days go past.” We meet in the middle of the hallway and both stop. “And you can call me Jay.”
She nods at my request, even if she looks surprised by my sudden friendliness. It’s a quick reminder to do better at peopling, especially when it comes to Lily. “Well, have a good day, Jay.”
She’s just about to walk off when I decide to continue with the awkwardness and ask about Sasha. “Um, Holly?” She quickly plasters back on her professional smile; big and fake; patiently waiting for me to stop wasting her time. “Is Sasha here today?”
“Is everything okay with Lily? Whatever it is, I can fix it.” Her words are rushed and her tone defensive. I realise Sasha must be her boss, and I've given off the impression I'm unhappy.
“No. No. It's nothing like that.” I run my fingers through my hair, thinking of the words before I say them. “We’re actually old friends, and I was hoping I would get to talk to her.”
“Oh.” She scrutinises my face before continuing. “Did you and Sasha happen to bump into each other yesterday, by any chance?”
The question has me wondering if Sasha mentioned me to Holly after seeing me. “Yes. I actually had no idea she worked here.”
“Actually, she owns this place,” she informs me, her voice filled with pride. “It's one of the best around.”
“Do you think you could tell me when she'll be around again?” I scratch the back of my ear in an odd show of nervousness. “I would really love to talk to her.”
“I can’t say for sure when she’ll be in,” she offers hesitantly. “But I will pass on the message.”
“Thanks. I would really appreciate that.” Turning on my heels, I leave the place as quick as I can, hoping to avoid any more desperation from falling from my mouth.
Hopping into my car, I te
ll myself this isn’t a sprint. I’ll get my time with Sasha. And maybe bombarding her at work isn’t the most well thought out plan anyway. I’ll stick to the safest option and keep on bringing Lily and picking her up from school.
The least that can happen is she gets used to seeing my face around here, because I could sure get used to hers.
* * *
Stepping into the hospital room, Max’s head peeks up from one of the million gossip magazines she’s addicted to. I tip my chin up at her and take the spare seat next to Leroy’s bed. Sitting opposite one another we fall into our usual routine of silence and waiting.
There is nothing for us to do here except entertain ourselves ‘til the doctors come in and give us the daily spiel of how Leroy isn’t really showing any signs of improvement. I think we both stay here out of obligation, more than necessity. He has no idea we’re here, or that days on end are passing without him.
He’s been put in an induced coma ‘til the brain swelling goes down, but the biggest problem is it isn’t.
For years I tried to bring him to Melbourne with me, lure him with a life of honest, and uncomplicated work. A fresh start. But it never held the same appeal for him as it did me. Instead he watched my father rot from the inside out and took the crown once the old man finally made it six feet under.
It always amazed me how two people could experience the same horrible things and end up on two different paths of life. He was a memory until he needed something. And he always needed something. My biggest weakness was never being able to say no. Until I had Lily. She was what pushed me to accept Leroy and I would never have the conventional familial relationship I wanted. And once I was able to admit I was a lone wolf when it came to my family, my last tie to my past was finally cut.
Like stepping into a time warp, Max’s phone call took me back to the very night I decided to leave this place. Leroy got beaten up for crossing the wrong people. Not the first time, but with his luck finally running out, it’s definitely the last.
Sobbing on the other end of the phone, I had no idea who Max was, but the words he needs money, they’re going to come for me too, and he’s going to die, had me uprooting my life in Melbourne and coming back to the place I never called home.
“The doctors say anything today?” I ask, breaking the silence.
“I think someone is going to ask you about organ donation.”
“You think he’s got anything worth giving?”
She glances at him with pity. “With all the cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs he used, not even his skin would be a viable option.”
“Why didn’t you ever get him to stop?” Her hollow eyes look up at me, the question unexpected for both of us. We don’t do this, talk or spend time with one another. I’ve been focused on the schedule, so I can avoid this at all costs. Leroy is somebody who needs my help, and Max is collateral. The second I think of them as family is the second the reality becomes too much to bear.
“He was all I had, and the only reason he kept me around was because I didn’t bust his balls about shit like that.” She lowers her head in shame. “I’m not proud of the way we lived or the things we did, but it was all we knew.”
“Did you know I asked him to move to Melbourne? To start fresh?”
There’s a long pause before she delivers an eye-opening blow. “He told me he didn’t have family. I didn’t know you existed until I found out you were listed as his Next of Kin.”
The revelation shouldn’t have surprised me. It shouldn’t have felt like a punch to the gut to hear that I didn’t exist to him. Blood meant nothing. I mean, I was guilty of cutting him off, wasn’t I? I deserved to be disowned. I practically forced him into it, but it still stings. So much so, I regret opening my mouth and asking Max questions.
As I sit here watching him fade away into nothing, I realise the details don’t matter. The wrongs, the rights, the bad blood, and the missed opportunities; I knew better. The voice of the young fuck up I used to be rears its head. I saw his downfall coming and I didn’t stop it. As usual, I was selfish and stubborn. If I reached out, just once a year, instead of shutting him out, maybe the only family I had left wouldn’t be knocking on death’s door.
5
Sasha
I’m avoiding work. Just like a fucking teenager, I’ve called in sick, lied to Holly and have my run in with Jay on replay.
It’s pathetic and childish, but I can’t stop myself. Over the last two years, life has felt like a whirlwind. From Jagger getting out of jail, Hendrix and I choosing different paths in our lives, and now this. I can’t help but wonder when life is going to stop throwing curveballs my way.
I want to be done with my past, but it keeps surprising me at the most inopportune times, and most of the time I can’t work out the reason why.
I always feel worse for wear after. Ragged, beat down, and emotionally exhausted. I have nothing left to give that time of my life, yet here it is like the gift that keeps on giving. Only problem, is it’s unwelcomed and so past the point of unwanted, that some days I just want to pack up and leave it all behind.
There’s no denying I’m being dramatic, it’s what I do best, and there’s no point in changing that now. People bump into their past all the time and people rationally deal with it, but something about seeing Jay niggles in the back of my mind. The way he looked at me and reached for my arm. That man wanted more from me. Every fibre of my body could feel the invisible pull, the strange ghost of unfinished business, and I can’t get sucked into that vortex. Not again. And not with Jay.
An unexpected knock has me checking the time. Most people know I’m at work during the days, and nobody knows I’m home today.
I open up the door and find Holly on the other side.
“What are you doing here?” I lean on the door in shock. “Shouldn’t you be at the centre?”
“I took an extended lunch break.” She pushes past me, throws her bag on the coffee table, and makes herself comfortable on my couch.
I close the door behind her and let myself fall against it with my arms folded across my chest. “Can I help you with something?” I ask wearily.
“Cut the crap Sash, why aren’t you at work?”
“I’m sick.” I cover my mouth and fake cough into my palm.
“That’s the best you got?”
“Can’t I just have a day off without you breathing down my neck?” I pretend to be mad at her, but deep down inside I’m not. She’s my rock. The one that’s there even when I try to push everyone else away. She takes no shit and gives no fucks; the complete opposite of me. That’s why she’s here facing me head-on, while I’m here hiding out.
“Do you want a coffee?” I offer, giving in to her visit.
“Nah. I’ll come back another time and you can cook me a three-course meal, but this is going to be quick.”
Resigned, I sit beside her and wait for her to lay it on me.
“Mr. Evans,” she starts. “Who kindly told me today, I should call him Jay, was looking for you this morning.”
“Did he say what for?”
“Just that you were old friends and he really wants to catch up.”
“Fucking friends,” I murmur to myself. “And what did you tell him?”
“Let’s back up to why you’ve got that sour look on your face, as opposed to the dreamy one that you should have, because he’s fucking gorgeous, and seems very keen.”
I close my eyes, and grown-up Jay comes into view. I can’t deny over the last twenty-four hours the shock has worn off, and I’ve been able to admit how good looking he’s become. It’s ridiculous that someone could be so horrible on the inside, and so enticing on the outside.
“It doesn’t matter what he looks like, I don’t want to see him.”
“Are you going to tell me why?”
“Not when you’ve got to get back to work, no.”
“So answer me this, how do you plan on avoiding him?” She knows it’s almost impossible. There’s no way I can r
un the whole centre based on avoiding him. But I’ll be damned if I don’t want to try.
“I don’t know yet, but you’re going to help me, yeah?”
“I don’t have a choice, do I?”
“Ride or die, baby.”
She stands up and grabs her belongings. Adjusting her leather satchel across her body, she turns to face me. “Not yet, you sneaky bitch, I’ll decide after I hear the whole story.”
I flip her the bird, and she smirks. “Make me dinner tonight, or let's go out. I want to know every detail.”
“Aren’t you sick of my shit yet?”
“No such thing,” she says dismissively. She makes her way to the door and lets herself out. Just before she disappears out of sight, I hear a loud, and comforting I love you.
“Love you, too,” I say to an empty room.
Picking myself off the couch, I quickly text Dakota and tell her Holly and Riley are coming over for dinner. Then flick another one off to Holly.
Me: Dinner at my place. Be here at 7. Bring Riley
Holly: We’ll bring the wine.
The quicker I rip this Band-Aid off, the quicker I can work out how not to bump into Jay.
* * *
I pull the apple pie out of the oven and slowly walk it to the dining table. Placing it on the chopping board, I take my seat and wait for it to cool down before cutting into it.
Now that dinner is finished, Dakota has hidden in her room, under the guise of homework. At this time, I usually catch her scrolling through Facebook or working through this week’s Snapchat filters. With Holly and Riley here, I leave her to her own devices. I don’t really want to get into things about Jay with her around anyway.
RECTIFY: A REDEMPTION NOVEL Page 5