‘Oh, Isla!’ Dodie said. ‘I’m so sorry! I wish I could be there with you.’
‘I’m being silly,’ Isla said, seeming to rally. ‘I’m going to see him again, and we’ll keep going until we get somewhere because I’ve realised that I want to know him better. I’ve got a half brother and sister too and I want to get to know them more too.’ She gave a nervous laugh. ‘It’s so weird saying that. I mean, I’ve got loads of family, of course, on Mum’s side, but…’
‘I know,’ Dodie said. ‘They’re all strangers there, aren’t they? It will be weird at first. But do you think you might like them?’
‘Honestly? I don’t know.’ Another pause. ‘Anyway, I just phoned really to say merry Christmas. I’m sorry but the weather has turned and I won’t make it home after all, so it means I won’t be able to do the sea dip with you this year but we’ll definitely do it next year. Are you still going?’
‘I think so. Unless we get blizzards here and then I might change my mind. There’s one thing about being there – you’re guaranteed a white Christmas.’
Isla laughed. ‘There is that. Merry Christmas, Dodie.’
‘Merry Christmas. Stay safe, won’t you? And let me know how you’re getting on – regular updates to stop me worrying.’
‘You’re not actually worrying about me, are you?’ Isla laughed. ‘That’s ridiculous!’
‘Of course I am. You know me better than that.’ Dodie smiled.
‘I do. I know that… I’m guessing you’re just about to have a cup of tea.’
‘I am!’ Dodie laughed. ‘It’s early for you though, seeing as you’re on holiday.’
‘Couldn’t sleep in and I wanted to catch you before the shop got busy.’
‘Thanks. I appreciate it.’
‘Right! Take care, and I’ll see you soon.’
‘Bye.’ Dodie ended the call, sniffing hard. It wasn’t until she’d spoken to Isla that she’d realised just how much she was missing her. There was so much she wanted to share and confide in her, and she guessed that Isla was feeling the same, but they were hundreds of miles and a blizzard apart.
Rubbing her eyes, she took a deep breath. There was no point in moping. A cup of Gran’s lovely tea would make her feel better, and she’d just decided to nip upstairs to make one when the doorbell tinkled. Customers were like that – you could wait for hours and nobody would come in but the minute you wanted to do something you’d get one. Perhaps the best business strategy she could have was to stand by the kettle all day with the intention of making a drink and the shop would be heaving.
But when she turned back to greet them, she found it wasn’t a customer. Unless Ed Willoughby had suddenly been struck by the urge to buy a pair of corduroy bell-bottoms. From the look on his face, and the way he wore his clothes as if he’d thrown them on in a rush, and his hair sticking up at odd angles, it didn’t seem likely.
‘Ed?’ Dodie frowned. ‘It’s lovely to see you but—’
‘I had to come,’ he cut in, his voice urgent. He unfolded a copy of the Echo, opened at the page containing Sally’s story about Julia. ‘Dodie, I don’t know how to tell you this and I should have come clean before but I haven’t been completely truthful with you.’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘The woman you met… The woman in the paper today…’
‘You mean Julia?’
‘She’s my…’ He cleared his throat and ran a shaky hand through his unruly hair.
‘What’s wrong?’ Dodie asked. ‘You want to sit down? Whatever it is you think you’ve done, it can’t be that bad.’
He shook his head. ‘You might think otherwise when I tell you. I’ve been an idiot to keep it a secret. I don’t know why I just felt… I didn’t even know if I wanted to find them myself but I ended up drawn into the search because it mattered to you and it sort of ended up mattering to me. I didn’t think we’d actually find anything, so it was OK because I didn’t know if I wanted to find anything… but of course, it must have mattered to me on some level. I suppose I wanted to find the answers if I ended up in Bournemouth on account of what little I knew—’
‘Ed,’ Dodie interrupted. ‘Please… you’re making no sense. What is it you need to tell me?’
He took a deep breath and held her in a steady gaze. ‘Julia Fleet…’ he said. ‘She’s my mother. The family you’ve been looking for all this time is my family.’
Chapter Sixteen
Dodie stared at him. ‘I don’t understand.’
Ed began to pace the floor of the shop, jacket open and flapping around him. ‘I’m not sure I do either. I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t even know why I’m here in Bournemouth, or in your shop right now. I don’t know why I didn’t send you away that first night on my doorstep. I don’t know why I didn’t come clean with you right from the start. I only know that what you were offering… it was like I couldn’t resist, even though part of me didn’t want to know. And I thought it would be OK to keep quiet because I never expected you to get as far as you did. And I liked spending time with you. And I thought if we weren’t searching then we wouldn’t have a reason to spend time together…’
‘She said she hadn’t seen her son for ages,’ Dodie said in a dazed voice. ‘She said… she said… So that’s you? She was talking about you?’
At that moment, Dodie couldn’t decide who had the right to look more confused – her or Ed. So the errant son Julia had been crying over was Ed? This was the craziest, most unlikely thing she’d ever heard, and yet she didn’t doubt for a moment that he was telling the truth.
‘What else did she tell you? That I was a selfish bastard? That I wallowed in self-pity and made her life a misery? That when she told me how the people I’d been calling Grandma and Grandad weren’t that at all she’d been hoping for understanding and support and I hadn’t even given her that much?’
‘Well, no, but…’
‘That’s exactly what I did. And then I left and I didn’t tell her where to find me. It meant she’d been abandoned twice in her life, and when I thought about it I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t go back and face her knowing what I’d done, and time just went on and on and things got worse. And then you came and you were like an angel who could fix everything that was broken in me and…’ He let out a sigh. ‘Forgive me, Dodie. I don’t even know what I’m saying any more. I’m so, so sorry I lied to you.’
Dodie raced over to the door and flipped the sign from open to closed before locking it. Closing on Christmas Eve hadn’t featured in her plans but the situation called for radical measures. Ed was clearly distressed and he had a lot of challenging emotions to work through – the last thing they needed was a customer walking in on them.
‘I’ll make us a drink,’ she said. ‘We can go upstairs to talk where it’s quiet.’
Without argument he followed her up to the flat. She made him sit at the table while she switched the kettle on to re-boil it.
‘Start from the beginning,’ she said, leaning against the worktop as she turned to face him. ‘What happened?’
‘When I was discharged from the army I was in a mess. I mean, unbearable to be around – I know that. Mum and Trevor struggled with me and things got even worse when I moved back in with them after splitting with my girlfriend. Mum wanted me at home with them, though. I suppose she was scared I’d do something drastic if I was left to my own devices. And honestly, I can’t say that might not have happened on my lowest nights if she hadn’t been there. But things were strained and it got tougher, especially for Trevor. I suppose he hadn’t signed up for a moody adult son when he’d asked Mum to marry him. One day we were having this almighty row, and I’d said something about her backwards family and how she was just like them – I was being a twat, I already know this before you tell me so – and then it just came out. She told me she was adopted. She’d never said a word up until that day.’
‘When I met your mum she told me she was sorry she hadn’t been able to sha
re the fact she was adopted with you. The truth was that she’d been rejected by Margaret, her birth mother – once when she was given away and then again when she tried to find her twenty years ago. She felt as if she’d be rejected by her real father too if she tried to find him. It hurt, and so I think she felt everyone she loved was better shielded from the thing that caused her so much pain, in case it caused them pain too. That’s why she never told you.’
‘You see, you already know more about it than I do. I suppose that’s because people want to talk to you – they know you won’t explode and behave like a complete dickhead when they do.’
‘Hardly. So, when I came to your door that first time with George’s letter, you knew?’
‘Not exactly. I couldn’t be sure. But I had an idea. I’d got some information from the adoption group Mum was a member of and I managed to track down Margaret to Wessex Road. Then I was online trying to find the house when I saw the flat at number eleven was up for rent. It seemed like too good an opportunity to miss and it felt like the right time to leave Blackpool. Mum and Trevor didn’t want me around, and they didn’t deserve such a drag in their lives. So I came to Bournemouth and I didn’t tell them where I’d gone.’
‘But your mum knew that Margaret had lived at Wessex Road? Might she have thought to look there for you?’
‘She’d been there years before when she tracked down Margaret the first time. I didn’t tell her I’d been doing some research of my own. I don’t even know why I was doing it. Opening old wounds wasn’t exactly what Mum needed but something in me just had to know. I needed to know about the people who’d made me, where I came from. Does that make sense?’
‘It does,’ Dodie replied, her thoughts going back to Isla, who had only just said a similar thing. She could understand very well. ‘But what I don’t understand is why you didn’t tell me?’
‘You’re angry?’
‘I’m hurt. Offended a little, but not angry. You could have helped me find my own answers a lot quicker and it would have helped you in the end. We could have worked it out together.’
‘That’s part of the problem,’ he said quietly. But then he looked up and shook his head. ‘I wasn’t really much further on than you in my investigations. To tell you the truth, once I’d got here and moved into Margaret’s house, I stopped searching. I wasn’t sure if what I might find would make things better or worse. And I was settling here. I was alone, but that was OK because alone I couldn’t screw anyone else up. Alone I wasn’t a burden. But then you came and changed all that and made me feel like I didn’t want to be alone any more. And then we started to make progress and the longer things went on, the less able I was to tell you because I thought you’d hate me for not telling you on the first night. I couldn’t stand the thought of you hating me.’
‘Ed,’ Dodie said gently. ‘I could never hate you.’
‘I don’t think you could hate anyone.’
‘Especially not you.’
‘I wish I could be like that. I’ve had so much hate…’ He thumped his breast, and then his head. ‘In here, and in here. So much anger and so much hopelessness. And I direct it all at the people who deserve it the least. Like my mum. I was so angry that she hadn’t told me any of this before.’
‘She did it to protect you. She thought it was the right thing to do. She said it and I believe her. You weren’t there at the meeting – you didn’t see her face when she read that letter; all the years of pain and rejection she’d had to bottle up was plain for anyone to see. She read George’s words and it was like she’d had every answer she’d ever wanted. I wish you could have seen it.’
He looked up at her. ‘If we’d been in contact I suppose I would have done,’ he said, a note of bitterness creeping into his tone. ‘I suppose I would have been there with her, supporting her, like a good son should. I bet Trevor was there, wasn’t he?’
‘Yes, but… what’s the deal with you and Trevor? You don’t like him?’
‘He’s OK. It’s me who’s the problem. Or so he says. But then I guess he’s right.’
Dodie appraised Ed silently for a moment. ‘He’s the reason you took off. It’s not just about the adoption and your row with Julia?’
‘Not exactly. I suppose he just told me in no uncertain terms what a selfish pain in the arse I was and how much better off Mum would be without me in her life. She had enough to deal with as it was without me adding to that burden, or so he said. And he was right – she is better off without me.’
Part of Dodie had to agree with Trevor if what Ed thought was true. That particular comment made him sound like a maudlin pain in the arse right now, but she smiled patiently. She didn’t know what he’d been through and perhaps he just needed time and understanding to work it out. There was no way of knowing whether he’d had that in the past, but Dodie was here now and more than willing to give all she had.
‘One thing I’m confused about… your mum says she comes from a place called Cleveleys. But you’re from Blackpool.’
‘It’s only up the road. She moved out where it was quieter when I joined the army but it’s just easier for me to tell people Blackpool still; they usually have more of a clue where that is.’
‘No wonder I didn’t make the connection.’
‘Even if you’d known that’s an unlikely connection to make, if only because it’s so weird and random.’
‘It is weird,’ Dodie acknowledged. ‘Apart from the fact the flat came up for rent just when you wanted to get away, that the letter would end up in my possession at the same time is one hell of a coincidence. In fact, if coincidences were monkeys this one would be King Kong.’
He looked up at her. But then he broke into a bemused smile. ‘I’ve just realised that it can get weirder. If coincidences were monkeys this one would be King Kong? What does that even mean?’
‘I don’t know,’ Dodie said, breaking into a smile of her own. She joined him at the table, the kettle forgotten again. ‘You need to go and see your mum. Talk to her. This is too big for you both to ignore and you should be working it out together. Your mum has already been rejected once by her birth mother, don’t make it so she’s rejected by her son as well.’
‘She doesn’t want me or need me in her life – I only complicate things.’
‘Of course she does! She misses you like crazy and she needs you now more than ever. Even Trevor said so. Surely it can’t be that hard to swallow your pride.’ Dodie paused. ‘What happened? What started it all off – your mental problems, I mean. Did you kill someone?’ she asked quietly. ‘In the army, I mean. Did you?’
‘Not personally,’ he said. ‘I…’
‘Yes? You can tell me; I won’t judge, you know I won’t.’
‘I know. It’s hard. I’m not proud of what I was like when I was discharged. I went home, then my girlfriend left me and I went off the rails. I moped, raged… some days I thought about ending it all. I had no idea Mum had all this pain of her own that she kept hidden every day. If I had…’
‘Sometimes it’s hard to be the person we want to be. You can talk to me. Why did you want to end it? Because of what you saw? Because of things you did? I can only imagine—’
‘There was a landmine,’ he cut in. ‘I made a stupid mistake. It blew. My mate, Evan… he was closest. Gone. Me… I survived. But it was my fault. It should have been me, not Evan.’
‘God…’ Dodie grabbed his hand. And then she saw the scar, a deep curve from his thumb to his middle finger.
‘It doesn’t work that well any more,’ he said, his gaze following hers. ‘I find it hard to grip stuff. But that’s the least of my worries.’
‘Did it hurt?’
‘It would have done if my leg hadn’t been taking my mind off it,’ he said with a hollow laugh.
‘Your leg?’ Dodie’s gaze went to the table. His legs were tucked beneath it. ‘Is it bad?’
‘Bad?’ he said, meeting her eyes as they travelled back to his face. ‘Not now. It’s a
bit of a mess but the doctors managed to save it. More than I deserved really.’
‘Can I see?’ she asked, but instantly blushing. Another case of her mouth moving before her brain had engaged, but now the question was out and all she could do was wait to see how he reacted.
He simply frowned. ‘You want to look?’
‘It was that bad? I mean, you walk OK.’
‘I manage fine; medics did an amazing job. I don’t know that you’d want to see it, though.’
‘Why not?’
‘It freaks people out.’
‘It wouldn’t freak me out.’
‘It freaked Sadie out.’
‘Your girlfriend?’
He nodded.
‘That’s why you split up? Not because she was seeing your best friend behind your back?’
‘Oh,’ he gave a wry smile, ‘she was doing that too.’
‘It won’t freak me out,’ she insisted. ‘Considering what you came here to tell me I doubt one more thing can shock me.’
He studied her for a moment. Then he pushed his chair away from the table and rolled up his trousers to expose the map of scars and burnt skin the length of his leg. He looked up at her.
‘That’s it. Lovely, isn’t it?’
‘I’ve seen worse.’
‘Liar.’
‘But it’s not gross. It’s part of you, the story of your past. You have to accept it.’
‘I’m used to it, but I don’t think I’ll ever accept it.’
They lapsed into silence. Dodie looked up, into the depths of his eyes, and she saw his pain, how much he needed someone to heal him. She could be that person. But this wasn’t the time to say so, and perhaps her need was greater than his, because right now she didn’t give a damn about the leg or his family history, all she could think about was kissing him.
The spell was broken as he cleared his throat and rolled his trouser leg down again. ‘I felt bloody sorry for myself,’ he said. ‘Mum did everything she could for me once I was home, but it was never enough. I’m not proud of this, by the way, and I know I was awful. One day Trevor told me they’d had enough and if I didn’t buck my ideas up I’d be looking for a place of my own. I don’t know how much of that had come from her and how much he’d taken upon himself to say without her knowing.’
A Very Vintage Christmas: A Heartwarming Christmas Romance (An Unforgettable Christmas Book 1) Page 21