It’s those little things that kept me going.
Like walks on the beach with my mom, collecting seashells when I was eight. Or holding my new baby sister for the first time. Even memories of watching my own daughters take their first steps and the time my youngest daughter at the age of four made me a cake out of sticks and mud for my twenty-first birthday. Those are the pieces of myself I hold on to that make me glad to be alive.
I’ve always been a cloud hopper. Sometimes I wish I was a more complicated person. Am I missing something? Should I be some other person than the one I am? Sometimes I think others might feel like I should. I don’t know how to be anyone else but me.
Me meeting a new friend at the American Legion Conference.
Open Wide and Say AHHH!
* * *
Going to the dentist was not one of the firsts I was ever looking forward to doing. But after eighteen years with no dental care, I was encouraged to get a checkup. It’s true I have no love for the dentist. When I was little I had countless trips to the dentist. My grandma used to fill my bottles with juice, which, as you can guess, wreaked havoc with my baby teeth. As I grew up I was constantly told to brush my teeth. I’m not sure I always listened because by the time Phillip kidnapped me I already had three fillings.
For the first time I didn’t have anybody reminding me to brush my teeth. Actually, I didn’t have a toothbrush for a really long time. I found myself becoming concerned about my teeth for the first time in my life. It had been drilled into me to brush my teeth twice a day for the longest time that now that I couldn’t I felt weird and like a bad girl. I actually wanted to brush my teeth. Really, really badly. I couldn’t, though. So I would use my tongue as much as I could to get as much food off them as possible. I would then scrape off the plaque that was accumulating with my fingers and use a napkin to clean them as best I could. The day Phillip gave me more privileges and a toothbrush I was really happy. It feels weird writing about getting the privilege of a toothbrush, but it really was in my situation. I hate that I was thankful to Phillip for this simple basic staple of life. I never thought about how important brushing was until I couldn’t do it anymore.
I have also chewed sugarless gum throughout the years, and I think it helps, too. In fact, I learned this neat trick with the dentist. I have been going to the same dentist for these past years, and I notice that when I chew sugarless gum before a cleaning I always get better feedback about my teeth than if I don’t chew gum before. I really like when the cleanings go smoothly and fast so I can get out of that dreaded chair faster. I have had only one cavity since my return to the living. When I knew it had to be drilled, I was so not into it. I just told myself that it would be done before I knew it and at least now I could go to the dentist for stuff like this. Whatever I said to myself didn’t really work. Ha-ha. I thought, This is going to hurt like hell. I pictured this new dentist using what my old dentist as a child had used. It was this plastic-coated thing that went over my entire mouth and had some strange covering that could be flavored. Grossest thing ever.
My new dentist assured me that he would not be using that. But he knew what I was talking about. He also said I would not feel anything except a little pinch from the Novocain. Guess what? He was right. I did feel the pinch and that did hurt a little, but after that it was mostly just the pressure and the thought of what he was doing that freaked me out. Best of all, no more silver fillings. My new filling matches my teeth perfectly and you can’t even tell I have a filling there. My old fillings are all silver but are still in great shape considering no dentist for eighteen years.
Phillip used to go to the colleges that would give dental procedures for free because they were teaching colleges. He had to have a lot of teeth pulled, I think, due to his drug use. He had deep cavities from the missing teeth and often got infections. He would have the worst breath ever because of this. What I hated most was when he would suck on his back teeth to draw out the infection, he said, and then spit it out. His cheeks would get all pulled in when he did this and make him look like a skeleton because he was so thin and gaunt looking. He was always so narcissistic, I wonder what he thought of his mug shot because it was not even attractive. In fact, I never found him attractive in all the years of my captivity. He was a gross man and will die a gross man. I know in prison they have good dental and medical for inmates, so he probably had all the tooth stuff fixed, and I know he had that hideous mole of his removed. Part of me, the mean part, would have liked to see him keep that mole for a while and live with being ugly. Well, I guess he still is, so I win.
Through Thick and Thin
* * *
Since I’ve been back I have been around for many important moments of my best friend Jessie’s life and firsts for me, too.
I was there when her mom passed away. I felt like I had lost a piece of myself, too, that day. I remember her mom and all that we did together. Linda would take us to the beach and Knott’s Berry Farm. She gave me my first and last glass of eggnog . . . yuck! She helped to tie my shoes and clean my nose when it was runny. She was a very special lady, and when Jessie told me she was gone I didn’t quite believe it for a while. I know my grandma Ninny died a short time after I was taken, and I will never get to see her again. Losing Linda was the first time I had someone that close to me die after I had just seen them a few weeks before. It was a blow to the heart. I could not even imagine the heartache of losing your mom. The memorial service that Jessie put together was a nice way to say good-bye and full of good memories that we all shared of her mom.
The next big moment was her wedding. She and Mike decided to have it in his hometown in Minnesota to be close to his parents. They couldn’t travel that far, so it was the perfect solution. Jessie’s uncle flew them up in his private plane, and Mom and I met them there. We stayed in a little lodge full of big wood posts and carvings on the walls. It was a double wedding because Mike’s brother was also getting married and they decided to combine them. I met a new friend that day, the photographer and Jessie’s friend, Kassel. She had known Kassel since she was little, and he was a big part of her uncle’s life.
We picked out Jessie’s dress on a previous visit, and she paired it with an old pair of cowboy boots. The dress was so perfect and fit her to a tee even though we had gotten it at a secondhand dress shop. Jessie asked if my mom would marry them, and she said she’d look into it. Apparently, you can become ordained online—who knew? Mom went through the process online and became an ordained person who could perform marriage ceremonies legally. So cool! She conducted both Jessie and Mike’s and his brother’s weddings together at the same time. After the vows were said and then the “I do’s,” it was time for the reception and pictures. Lots and lots of pictures in true Jessie fashion. Did I mention she loves to take pictures? She says she does it so she doesn’t miss or forget a moment of her life. Makes sense with memories as old as ours! Oh, and did I mention it was snowing! Like a lot. And guess what. She wanted pictures outside. So in true best-friend fashion, I went outside in the cold without my jacket and posed with her for a few shots. Then ran back in to warm up. It’s hard to admit, but the pictures were pretty spectacular with the snow coming down.
After the reception Jessie said she wanted to go to a bar. We were in a very small town, and it was a weird feeling going with her new husband and his best man and Kassel the photographer to a bar for some reason. Jessie got a little tipsy. Well, I was a little tipsy and she was really, really tipsy. She hadn’t eaten much because she wanted to fit into her dress, so all the alcohol went straight to her head. Then it came out. I held her hair while she got it all out. We both were laughing so hard by this point I couldn’t even see straight. I was laughing so hard my snort came out. What an embarrassing thing to snort when I laugh. That night I played pool for the first time. It was so fun to learn something brand-new. Jessie was a pro. Me not so much, but I liked learning. Mike’s best man asked me to dance, and I didn’t know how. But he was patient and
taught me the steps. It was awkward because he was so tall and I’m not, and it was the first time I danced with a guy, like, ever. Then I danced again with Kassel. It was fun. After that we all went back to the lodge and made angels in the snow. I’m not sure why because it was freaking cold out there, but that’s what we did and I liked it!
Next moment came a year after that, and it was the birth of her baby boy. Complete home birth. I was happy she could choose where she would give birth. I didn’t have a choice. After listening to all the research out there, I think having her baby at home was a good choice for her and her circumstances. She had it all planned out. She would have the baby at her uncle’s guest house. She had the birthing tub already there. I flew down a day before her due date and expected the baby would come any day. I was wrong, like really wrong. This was going to be a late baby. Like a week late. During the “time of waiting,” as I like to call it, we tried everything. She went for acupuncture. She ate spicy food, which she hates. We had even heard that walking helps and that if she walked with one leg on the curb and the other down on the street that it would help. She even drank castor oil! Poor thing. I remember that day so well. She had said she was having Braxton Hicks contractions all morning. I had to ask her what that was and she told me false labor. Okay, so she’s having some false labor pains, no big deal. That night we had dinner and watched some movie. I went to bed after the movie. It was about ten o’clock. I thought she would go to bed soon, too, so when I heard her come into my room and say, “Can you come be with me?” I was really groggy and confused. I looked at the clock. Midnight. I rubbed my eyes and followed her out into the other room where she’s folding laundry. Folding laundry at midnight—girl, what’s up? I said and she said she just wanted some company as she doubled over in obvious pain. I’m like, Jessie, are you in labor? And she said, No I think it’s just Braxton Hicks. I’m no doctor, but these Braxton Hicks things are lasting a bit longer than I thought they would. Here, she says as she hands me a piece of paper, I’ve kept track of them. My eyes are still a little grainy, but I look at the paper she gives me and think I’m seeing things. By now the contractions were fifteen minutes apart. Contractions mean labor, not false labor. She didn’t look convinced, though. Total denial. I said, Have you called Mike? and she said, no, she didn’t want to worry him. Time to call the midwife, I said. Really, she said, and I’m like, yes, right now, as another spasm racks her body! I am not delivering this baby alone! I think to myself. She calls up the midwife and tells her she’s having some contractions, nothing too bad. No rush. No rush? Is she crazy? I get on the phone and tell the midwife that her contractions are fifteen minutes apart and she needs to get here now. Like a half hour ago now. Next we call Mike. I hear her calmly telling Mike that she might be in labor but she’s not sure and she didn’t want him to miss work. I take the phone from her and say, you need to come now. The doula arrives before the midwife, and we get Jessie in a warm bath. She said this would either speed up delivery or relax it a bit and give us more time. The midwife and Mike were still en route.
Did I mention we were upstairs and the birthing tub was downstairs? Yeah, that happened, and guess what else: the stinking warm bath sped things up! Mike arrived after that and helped to get Jessie out of the tub, and we headed downstairs. Halfway down and her water breaks. I really thought I would be in panic mode by now, but I really just felt calm. It was like my body knew I needed to be there for my friend who by this time is moaning like she’s dying, and all I could do was film it. Yep, film it because I knew that is what she would want most from this experience—the video of it happening. Something that she couldn’t do at the moment. But would if she could. They get her in the tub. By this time the little baby boy’s head is crowning. I think to myself, Gosh, how did I do this? Not once but twice. Seeing someone else go through it seems really scary. But at the time I don’t remember really thinking about being scared. I just did what my body was telling me to do and somehow it all ended up okay.
Seeing her in so much pain was hard for me, though, and I just wanted it to be over for her. Looking through the camera lens helped me, believe it or not, because I had a job and a focus. Finally, the midwife arrived. Just in the nick of time, too, because Mike was about to deliver his own son. What I remember most from those moments was the little guy shot out of his momma like a rocket. So naturally I gave him the nickname of Little Rocket.
I haven’t really been around babies in a long time. I do remember holding each of my daughters for the first time, though. I think it’s one of those things that nothing could erase except amnesia. When it was my turn to hold the new little baby boy, I thought I would be really emotional, but although it was a very special moment, it did not make me want another baby. I was happy to hold the little guy but so glad that he had parents to give him back to.
A couple years later I finally felt like I was getting my friend back. She had been so busy with the baby that it seemed she hadn’t much time for me. I was happy when she would come up to visit, but sometimes I don’t like to share. Little Rocket was growing so big, and it was really fun to watch all the new things he could do each time I saw him.
One day Jessie calls me and says she has something to tell me. It sounded like something important. She took a long pause and I said, “Spit it out. It’s not like you’re pregnant.” Well, if I ever stuck my foot in my mouth it would have been at that moment because the pause just got longer, and I said, “You’re pregnant?” And her reply was yesssss.
This baby was a total surprise to her and Mike. Well, yeah, and me, too! I really wanted to be happy for them and I was, but that selfish part of me creeps in sometimes, and all I could think of was, She has years of kids ahead of her.
Again I came down to her house the day before her due date. I hit a lot of traffic, but I wasn’t worried because Little Rocket was so late I thought I had plenty of time. I was wrong. This little one was impatient to be born and came thirty minutes before I arrived. I was so bummed to have missed it. But at the same time I was a little relieved when I got there to have missed all the chaos, because she was a breech birth so the the midwife had to call the paramedics. Apparently, I missed the paramedics and the fire truck that showed up with sirens blaring. The midwife and doula were able to take care of everything and ended up not needing assistance, but the guys wanted to see a baby being born, I guess, and stayed for the entire birth. She had a beautiful baby girl with a ring of firemen around her. Jessie called it the “ring of fire.” Just looking at the precious little girl made all my petty jealousies go out the window. Well, most of them.
I feel so privileged to have shared so many important moments of my best friend’s life. It’s these moments that make all the bad moments seem unimportant. One day we will sit around in our old age and laugh about all the silly, sad, fun, humbling, hilarious, embarrassing times we had with each other, and I am truly looking forward to that day.
Me and best friend Jessie.
Me and Jessie.
Me and Jessie.
Me and Jessie.
Me with Jessie’s baby.
Now, That’s Grand!
* * *
Last summer I took a trip to the Grand Canyon with my youngest daughter and my aunt Tina. I had the whole trip planned out. We drove from Southern California to Williams, Arizona. The Grand Canyon Railway package I purchased gave us one night in Williams and then one night in the Grand Canyon and then back to Williams.
I was surprised by all the different weather we encountered on the drive there. One part would get really hot, like 107 degrees, and then it would start raining in other places. Off in the distance you could see storms gathering, but right where we were there would be blue, cloudless skies. It was pretty awesome to see.
I had read about a place called Bearizona and when we got to Williams, we decided to go check it out since we had time. I’m so glad we did. It turned out to be so much fun. It was a wild animal park that was in the Kaibab National Forest. And you
could drive through the different habitats of animals. It was home to so many bears all living together in one habitat. As we drove past, we could see bears playing and strolling around. It was really amazing to be so close to the bears, something I never thought I would get to do. We also drove through the wolf habitat where they had a pack of white wolves. One wolf was so curious it tried to pull the bumper from the car in front of us. They have really strong jaws. The other habitats had big bison and longhorn steer and lots of other animals like mountain goats. After our cruise through the forest we entered the zoo area where they take care of the baby animals on foot. I’m not much into zoos for the captivity aspect, but this was a really nice one with a lot of room for the animals. These animals were kind of in their natural habitats. It wasn’t like being free, but it was natural in a way to them and they were making the best of their unnatural situation. Kind of like what I did during my captivity.
My favorite part was seeing the baby bear cubs eating their lunch and making all kinds of noise while they munched. I could totally relate.
The next day we boarded the train that would take us to the famous Grand Canyon. I learned that this train also has a Polar Express train in the winter that takes kids to see Santa. The ride took a couple of hours, but they had plenty of entertainment. There was a Wild West show complete with robbers before we boarded the train. Later, they came to try to rob us on the train. It was really funny because if you wanted to be robbed you had to make sure the money was totally visible to the robbers. I decided I didn’t want to be robbed. When I was little I remember being so scared of the robbers that came to the Knott’s Berry Farm train. I thought they were real. It’s nice to know they are not real robbers, but I think they are making it a little too unbelievable these days.
Freedom Page 15