Wool, Dorset
SIR — As someone with the misfortune to have bought a computer installed with Windows 10, may I suggest that if we are not already under a cyberattack, the aforementioned is as close to the real thing as we are likely to get.
John P. Hunter
Shaw, Wiltshire
VODAFONE TORTURERS
SIR — When trying to arrest General Noriega on drug-trafficking charges, the Americans used repetitive loud rock music, blasted through large speakers, to wear down his resolve and drive him mad.
I wonder why Vodafone seems intent on treating their customers in the same way as a Panamanian dictator.
Joel Kissin
London SW3
SIR — It is reported that TalkTalk has had a ransom demand after being the victims of data theft. How on earth did the culprits manage to get through to the company to speak to somebody in authority?
Philip Moger
East Preston, West Sussex
SIR — In view of the time it takes to connect to HMRC perhaps they should play Handel’s Messiah in full.
Malcolm Johnson
Petersfield, Hampshire
SIR — I recently telephoned the pest control department of Guildford Borough Council. I listened to all five verses of A Mouse Lived in a Windmill in Old Amsterdam. I quite enjoyed it.
Auriel Rankmore
Ash, Surrey
SIR — Included in the medley of hold music when telephoning our local doctors’ surgery is the theme music from The Ladykillers.
Mik Shaw
Goring-by-Sea, West Sussex
CHIEF KILLJOY OFFICER
SIR — Your report on the Chief Medical Officer’s latest alcohol advice reminds me of one of George Gurdjieff’s pithy sayings. There are, he said, only two types of doctor on this planet: the first kind helps you to die; the other prevents you from living.
Mark Ellison
Long Buckby, Northamptonshire
SIR — When I was a medical student I had a textbook called Clinical Pharmacology. In its section about giving advice to patients was a rhyme as follows:
My doctor’s issued his decree
That too much wine is killing me.
And furthermore his ban he hurls
Against me touching naked girls.
How now, must I no longer share
My life, with beauties, dark and fair.
Doctor, Goodbye, my sails unfurled,
I’m off to join the other world.
Perhaps Professor Dame Sally Davies should take note.
Dr David Layfield
Farnsfield, Nottinghamshire
SIR — As the medical profession comes to look more and more like the provisional wing of the Band of Hope, I cannot help recalling how, in the high and far-off times when I was a student, the medical students were the heaviest drinkers of us all.
On second thoughts, that probably explains a lot.
Sue McNaughton
Eastergate, West Sussex
SIR — I am now told I can enjoy only 14 units of alcohol a week. That’s fine; I just won’t enjoy the rest.
Ros Mackay
Porthallow, Cornwall
SIR — Some years ago I was at a lecture when the question was asked: “Why is the limit for women 14 units but 21 for men?”
The professor replied: “The levels are based on the amount individuals admit to drinking, and women are better liars than men.”
Dr Alan Prowse
Leatherhead, Surrey
SIR — If I am to keep up with the amount of alcohol consumed by the average woman in Newcastle upon Tyne, I shall have to increase my consumption considerably.
Brian D. Hamilton
Ponteland, Northumberland
SIR — Since retiring, my evening routine has been to relax with a pint of Guinness as I listen to The Archers. But, due to the fiendish antics of this terrible fellow Rob Titchener, I have had to switch to a double malt whisky every evening to keep me calm.
Ron Kirby
Dorchester, Dorset
SIR — My local pub has its own suggestions for Dry January: dry gin, dry white wine, dry martini, dry cider.
Sandy Pratt
Dormansland, Surrey
SIR — What evidence is there that in Islamic countries or societies, which ban alcohol, they are healthier than the rest of us?
Michael Bashford
Bournemouth, Dorset
SIR — Attitudes to alcohol consumption vary with geographical latitude. The Mediterranean countries love it; the Fins ban it; and the English argue about it endlessly.
Peter Tillotson
Valencia, Spain
SIR — My wife and I were so depressed by your headline, “Give up all drink or risk dementia” that we found ourselves forced to open a second bottle this evening.
Rod Cochrane
Wanstrow, Somerset
SIR — So now it’s official: I really am drinking to forget.
I.F.
Co. Kerry
SIR — My mother had dementia, but never drank, smoked or had sex other than while praying for forgiveness.
She did, however, do the Telegraph crossword. Could that be the cause of her dementia?
K.P. Jones
Halesowen, West Midlands
OF MICE AND MEN
SIR — A drug which has been found to reverse the effects of Alzheimer’s disease in mice is the latest in a long line of drugs (to treat everything from heart disease to cancer) which have been discovered to be effective in mice.
Unfortunately, these treatments often run into problems when scientists try to apply them to humans.
I am just wondering: since we can now cure mice of just about everything, is it now possible to rear an immortal mouse?
A.W.
Bristol
FIRST POWER WASHER OF SPRING
SIR — One of the first harbingers of spring used to be the sound of lawnmowers chugging into life. This now seems to have been superseded by the drone of power washers.
James Logan
Portstewart, Co Londonderry
SIR — Today I saw my first schoolboy vaping (I won’t mention the school). Is this, like the first cuckoo in spring, a good sign?
Rodney Hedley
London SE5
WATER TABLES
SIR — The residents of Eglwyswrw in Pembrokeshire have had to endure 82 continuous days of rain. They should, however, be comforted that they do not live in Norway.
Local folklore relates the tale of a visiting American tourist, standing in the pouring rain, asking a nearby youth: “Does it ever stop raining in this country?”
The Norwegian boy replies: “I don’t know. I’m only 12.”
Craig Kennedy
Brookfield, Renfrewshire
SIR — My husband came back from one of his solitary walks on the fells, in poor weather. I asked if there had been any bad moments and he said yes, there had: he was afraid someone who was approaching him was going to say hello. But the danger passed.
Sarah Latimer
Melton, Suffolk
SIR — After bailing out my flooded vegetable garden for the third time, I was somewhat consoled to be reminded that volatile climates are not new.
In 1768 the naturalist Gilbert White wrote: “A wet season began about 9th of June, which lasted thro’ haymaking, harvest and seed-time, and did infinite mischief to the country.”
Vanessa Travers
Epsom, Surrey
SIR — When I fully retired two years ago, I had a vision of long leisurely lunches in the garden with a well-chilled glass or two of white. So far, due to our Lancashire weather, I have managed three cups of tea.
Steve Cartridge
Egerton, Lancashire
SOLIPSISTIC STORMS
SIR — Abigail, Barney, Clodagh, Desmond and now Eva — ever since we started naming storms they have caused record damage. They are obviously encouraged by all the attention they are getting.
Peter Turvey
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SIR — My late father was called Desmond, my later mother-in-law Eva and now the next storm is Frank, the name of my late father-in-law. Are they trying to tell us something?
Sue Ward
London N20
SIR — Is there a list somewhere of all the silly storms yet to come? It would be helpful to know which names to avoid for future family births. I also hope my name does not figure on the list.
Jeffrey Pack
London W5
HEY, JUNIOR
SIR — After years of ridiculing my parents for being unable to call me by my given name until they had gone through my brothers’ and the dogs’ names first, I now find myself doing the same thing to my sons.
Is anyone able to explain why a parent cannot call a child by their correct name at the first attempt?
Chris Bands
Priors Dean, Hampshire
SIR — According to your report, it seems that very few babies nowadays are being called Nigel. I put this down to collective national grief after the sad demise of Nigel Pargetter, who fell off a roof to his death in The Archers.
Ian Coldicott
Norwich
SIR — Your article about the shortage of new Nigels should concentrate the minds of new parents. I recently suffered a heart attack and now attend rehabilitation exercises twice a week. Our group of 12, which I am told is fairly typical, contains three Michaels and only three women.
Michael Gale
Windlesham, Surrey
SIR — My mother always told me I was her second favourite child. Unfortunately, I was her only one.
David Parker
Rhayader, Powys
SIR — Reading Alice Smellie’s column about how proud she was of her name reminded me of a favourite story of my father’s. As a child he and his friends would find people with the name Smellie in the telephone directory, phone them up and when the phone was answered, shout: “What are you going to do about it then?” — and then hang up.
Zanzie Griffin
Sheldon, Devon
SIR — Alice Smellie’s article reminded me of my friend Susan Crap. At least she didn’t have to spell it.
Mark Solon
London N1
A ROOM OF MY OWN
SIR — My wife and I decided many years ago that one part of a happy marriage was to agree how all shared spaces be decorated, kept and used, but that each should have one room entirely as their own space, free of spousal diktat, in which to be themselves.
Hers is light, airy and feminine, while mine is dark and lined with over 1,000 books on military history; the remaining space is largely devoted to oddments of militaria.
My wife has christened it, rather charmingly I think, the Bower. It stands for Boring Old So-and-So Room.
Victor Launert
Matlock Bath, Derbyshire
SIR — When our family lived in Japan we had a small room within our lounge with obscured glass walls. From time to time our young son was sent there to count to ten and reflect upon his bad behaviour.
Upon our return to the UK the removal men were very keen to know where — and indeed if — they could unpack the box marked “naughty room”.
Michelle Bull
London SW19
SIR — My office-cum-study in the barn adjoining the house is known as “the kennel”. The dog and I both love it — a place in which we can fart in peace.
T.G.-G.
Chagford, Devon
SIR — My niece was having the utility room refitted when the then Leader of the Labour Party was in the dock for having two kitchens. The resulting space is always referred to as the Miliband.
Chris Swindley
North Luffenham, Rutland
A YEAR IN POLITICS
CULTURE CLUB
SIR — I note that John Whittingdale visited a lap-dancing club as part of his duties. I wonder if any of your readers can help me understand whether lap dancing is culture, media or sport.
Malcolm Woods
Southend on Sea, Essex
SIR — One wonders if the sex worker is receiving support and counselling after finding out that she was having a relationship with an MP.
Alex Orr
Edinburgh
FACING UP TO BOATY
SIR — My understanding is that it is acceptable to change the name of a boat providing you tell the boat why. I trust, therefore, that Jo Johnson, the Science Minister, will have the courage to face Boaty McBoatface and publicly explain why her democratically chosen name is to be ditched in favour of something selected by her self-serving political masters.
Phil Sampson
Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire
SIR — Can I suggest that Sir David Attenborough now changes his name to Boaty McBoatface, thereby forcing the science and technology select committee to name the boat correctly.
Greig Bannerman
Frant, East Sussex
SIR — As a citizen of the USA, and a descendent of a participant of the Battle of Bunker Hill (the winning side, mind you), I feel I must state my disappointment with your Parliament for disavowing the UK public’s overwhelming vote. In my opinion this is a perfect example of what is wrong with a constitutional monarchy.
Until such time as your Parliament restores the fine name, Boaty McBoatface, I shall be forced to boycott all things British, including my Friday serving of fish and chips.
And before you start slinging Donald Trump jokes my way, please keep in mind that if he is elected, it will probably hurt you more than it will me.
D.W.
Chicago, Illinois
NO, YOU KHAN’T
SIR — If Donald Trump becomes President will the Mayor of London be allowed into the United States?
Bob Stebbings
Chorleywood, Hertfordshire
SIR — Now that we have a Muslim mayor of London can we not have a Catholic monarch?
P.S.
Jersey, Channel Islands
SIR — In Scotland a state-educated lesbian Conservative has just become the Leader of the Opposition. In London a state-educated Muslim socialist of Asian origin has just been elected Mayor of London. Will we soon need positive legislation to protect Old Etonian WASPs seeking public office?
Anthony Rodriguez
Staines upon Thames, Middlesex
WHAM HAM THANK YOU CAM
SIR — Here in our favourite local pub, where current affairs are always discussed with all the seriousness they deserve, tonight we have been wondering: at formal occasions in Mr Cameron’s old Oxford College, is the convention still observed that you must pass the pork to the left?
Brus Watters
Sherborne, Dorset
SIR — I once heard the CEO of a major British company say that he was disinclined to give employment to graduates with first-class degrees from Oxbridge because such people have spent all their time at university studying, instead of experiencing the elements of student life that allow them to become rounded individuals.
The fact that our Prime Minister behaved like most other students makes him a far better leader than a goody-two-shoes.
John Franklin
London N1
SIR — I believed that British politics was corrupt until I read that all Lord Ashcroft got for the £8 million he gave to the Tories was the offer of a post as a junior whip.
Dr John Doherty
Stratford-upon-Avon, Warwickshire
DCTRS ON STRKE
SIR — I notice that all the placards being held by the striking junior doctors in the recent strike were either typed or stamped.
Is this because we would not understand their protest if we had to attempt to read their writing on the placards?
Malcolm Freeth
Bournemouth, Dorset
SIR — Jeremy Hunt’s decision to enforce his changes to the NHS suggests that James Naughtie’s slip was not inappropriate.
I dare you to publish this.
Mark Davies FRCS
Old Chalford, Oxfordshire
SIR — What’s the difference between God and the Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt? At least God knows he’s not Jeremy Hunt.
Susanna Bailey
Eaton Hastings, Oxfordshire
SIR — As it is practically impossible to book an appointment fewer than four weeks in advance, a strike by doctors at our local surgery would pass almost unnoticed.
Dennis Graves
Crowborough, East Sussex
SIR — In the room of the Oxfordshire hotel where I am currently staying there is a guest information book which states: “Should you have need of a doctor we can make immediate arrangements for you to be seen.”
Is this the answer to the GP appointment crisis: book into an hotel in Oxfordshire?
B.G.
Harrogate, North Yorkshire
SIR — In order to cut demand and queues at GP surgeries, they should review my local doctor’s surgery in the Peak District in the 1970s. The waiting room, a thin, non-soundproofed room next to the consulting room, ensured that one never went to the GP for anything other than a sprained ankle.
Patrick Fuller
Upper Farringdon, Hampshire
SIR — My best chance to see an NHS doctor is to visit a picket line.
Roger Powell
Worcester
SIR — I think I would have more sympathy with the junior doctors if, on the television news reports, they did not look so happy and excited, rather like schoolchildren who have an unexpected day off.
John Pigott
Ringmer, East Sussex
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