by Hawke Oakley
He looked up. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know who Chad is, really, or what his problem is with us, but I really don’t think he’s coming from a place with good intentions,” I said. “He’s been trying to split us up for God knows whatever reason since I first met him. Don’t you see that?”
Isaac didn’t disagree. He sighed. “I know. But I can’t deny there must be other people out there who think about our - ” He paused. “Who think about what we have as being problematic.”
I tried not to bite my tongue as he stumbled over the word relationship. I’d get to that one in a second.
“I don’t care what other people think,” I said.
“But I do,” he said firmly, piercing my gaze with those sharp green eyes. “I care about your welfare, first and foremost. I don’t ever want to put you in a position where you’re not equal to me.”
I realized then what had been bothering Isaac so much. My shoulders sagged. I crossed the space between us and sat next to him on the bed. “Isaac,” I began. “I’ve never once felt like that when I’ve been with you. Ever.”
The soft silence in the air was like cotton filling up the room. I could feel my heart beating in my throat.
“Do you really mean that?” he asked quietly.
“Of course! Are you kidding me? You’ve been nothing but kind and generous and warm to me since we first met,” I said, throwing a hand in the air. “You’re like, the nicest person I’ve ever met in my life. I can’t believe you’d even think that of yourself.”
Without hesitation, I reached over and put my hand reassuringly on his knee. “Listen, Isaac. I don't know what we have. I… don't know what kind of relationship it is, but whatever it is, it’s the best I’ve ever had.”
My words hung in the air. For a moment it felt like time had stopped. Then Isaac’s hand gently, softly, landed on top of mine. His hand was big and warm and instantly made my body turn a few degrees hotter. I looked at him, and he was looking back at me. I was locked onto his bright green eyes, like the shimmering surface of a spring river.
A lump formed in my throat.
“I don’t know if you feel the same way, so forgive me if I’m wrong,” Isaac began. “But I would prefer if you would be the one to initiate it.”
My eyes widened. Was he really asking what I thought he was asking? I blinked a few times to make sure his expression didn’t change and that he wasn’t joking. But Isaac would never joke about something as serious as this. His lips were tight but at the same time looked so soft. I would have given anything to lean in and feel their press against mine.
Then I realized that was exactly what he was asking me to do. So I did. I closed my eyes and closed the gap between us.
Our lips met and soft lights exploded behind my eyes. It was like a white light of pleasure took over my mind in a huge wave. We were barely touching at all – just Isaac’s hand on top of mine and our lips pressed softly together – but it was more than I ever dreamed this could feel like.
The moment went on forever, and at the same time was over too soon. As we parted slowly, it felt like the kiss only lasted a fraction of a second. I wanted more. I needed more.
“Are you sure?” Isaac asked quietly.
I looked him in the eyes and ignored his question. “How did you feel about that?”
For the first time, he was the one looking flustered. It was a cute look on him. “It… was good. Very good.”
“It was good for me too,” I said, smiling. “Do you want to do it again?”
“Yes, I do,” he said a moment before I moved forward to kiss him again. The second time didn’t feel any less magical than the first. My heart fluttered in my chest like it was going to burst in the best way. Even though it was only a chaste kiss, I didn’t want to break away. Thankfully Isaac pulled off first so I didn’t have to initiate it.
Another silence fell between us, but this one wasn’t uncomfortable. It was a warm, familiar silence. Isaac squeezed my hand in his.
“I want you to feel safe,” he said. “I don’t want you to feel pressured into anything, alright? Just say so and we can stop at any time.”
I chuckled. “All we’re doing is kissing. Hell, we’re not even using tongue.”
“I know,” Isaac said with a blush. He looked so cute like that. He was so powerful and sexy when he was the boss at work, but he was also incredibly gentle, considerate and sweet. I loved that about him. “Still.”
I squeezed his hand back. “Thanks.”
He nodded. Before he had a chance to say anything else, I leaned in and kissed him again. It was still chaste but this time we lingered longer than before, savouring the softness of each other’s lips.
A harsh shriek came from the other room.
“What is that?” Isaac said, startled.
“I forgot you’re not used to that,” I said with a grin. “That’s our bird, telling us she wants attention and she wants it now.”
“I see,” he said, getting up. “Well, I suppose we better go give it to her, lest she cause a fuss loud enough for the whole complex to hear.”
We left the bedroom and found the budgie perched in her cage, tilting her head as if to ask what took us so long.
“Oh yeah,” I said. “I forgot to ask, but have you thought of any names for her?”
“Names. Hmm…” He put a finger to his lip in thought. “Tweety?”
I laughed. “Are you 80?”
“I’m not that much older than you,” he said with a smirk. He crossed the living room towards the bird cage and looked at her. “I don’t know. She looks sort of like a Tina to me.”
“Tina,” I repeated. “Yeah. That does suit her. Tiny Tina.”
Tina hopped sideways on her perch, looked at both of us and let out a sharp squawk. Isaac and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Welcome to the family, Tina,” Isaac said.
After setting up Tina’s cage and leaving her alone to acclimate, we had dinner and watched some TV before it got late.
“Today went by really fast,” I said as I handed Isaac the plate to put in the dishwasher. “I had a lot of fun.”
“As did I,” he said. “Too bad there’s work again tomorrow.”
I playfully crossed his arms. “Didn’t you say you could take any day off that you wanted to? Since you’re the owner and everything?”
“Well, yes,” he said. “But even I have to show up once in a while. Otherwise who knows what sort of antics Nico and Ryan will get up to in my absence.”
I laughed. “Hey, Nico’s not that bad. Ryan’s on a whole other level of weirdness.”
“True,” Isaac admitted. “Although I must say, I would be a lot less hard on Nico if he came to work on time more often.”
I frowned. “He does show up late a lot, doesn’t he?”
“Yes,” he said with a sigh. “He’s not the type to just be late for the fun of it. I’m worried that something’s going on with him that he’s not telling us about.”
I knew Nico had a rough time with his overbearing parents in high school, but to my own dismay, I barely knew anything that was going on in his life now. We were best friends in high school and now there was so much I didn’t know about him.
That train of thought led into a darker part of my thoughts. It got me thinking how no one, not even Isaac, knew the full extent of Adrian and I’s relationship. I swallowed hard as the memories flooded back. Even just thinking about Adrian was like a switch in my brain; I could be totally fine one second, then sombre the next. His name was like a dark cloud floating in my mind and blocking the sun.
The sudden build-up of emotion in my chest came out as a heavy sigh.
“Are you alright?” Isaac asked.
“Yeah,” I said at first. Then I paused. “Actually, no.”
“Is it about Nico?”
“No. Well, it was at first. I was just thinking about how close he and I were in high school and now it’s like we barely know anything about eac
h other,” I said. “I mean, it’s not even a one-way thing. He knows as little as everyone else about the years he lost contact with me.”
Isaac listened intently. That was something else I really appreciated about him. He didn’t butt in unnecessarily when you were talking, he just listened.
“I dunno,” I said, fidgeting with the hem of my shirt. “It’s just weird how you can know someone really well, but at the same time, you have all these lost years where you don’t know anything about them at all.”
Isaac nodded in understanding. I could tell from the look in his eyes he knew exactly what I was talking about. He was good with emotions like that.
I sighed. “Maybe one day he’ll open up to me.”
“Maybe,” Isaac said. He put a hand on my shoulder. “When he’s ready, he’ll tell you.”
As I gazed up at him, I realized he wasn’t just talking about Nico anymore. His words were directed at me.
I would tell him about my past with Adrian when I was ready.
I took in a deep breath then let out a shaky exhale. My heart rate sped up and my palms grew clammy with initial anxiety, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me this time. It had to come out. It was time.
“Isaac,” I said quietly. His grip on my shoulder was firm but reassuring. “I… I’d like to tell you about Adrian, if that’s alright.”
“Are you sure?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
“Alright.” With one hand still on my shoulder, he used the other to gently grasp my hand and lead me to the couch. Tina was asleep and we had covered her cage with a blanket to block out the artificial light and make her feel more secure. On the couch, we both settled. I held Isaac’s in my lap like a comfort object, squeezing it softly.
“Let me know if it gets too long or boring, okay?” I said with a half smile. Isaac returned it and nodded, even though I knew he had no intention of doing so.
I swallowed hard and began. “So, um. I met Adrian in my last year of high school. I was 18 and could finally sign up for those online dating sites – you know the ones, right? Anyway, there was only one other gay guy at our school who wasn’t me or Nico, and he totally wasn’t my type, so I had to go online since, well, its really hard to find other gay men.” I paused. “I guess it’s a good idea you opened the gay club, then.”
Isaac smiled.
“We didn’t have any kind of clubs around, so I didn’t have that option. But when I went online, I got tons of replies to my profile. A lot of the guys were total creeps and only interested in hooking up, but I didn’t want that. I mean, I was fine with having sex if it came to that, but I wanted a relationship too, you know?”
I took a breath. “So finally, one day I get a message from this guy named Adrian. He was probably the only guy not asking for dick pics or telling me the address of bathrooms we could meet up at. He was really nice, telling me how cute I was and if I wanted to have coffee with him. His profile says he’s nearby and our questionnaire answers matched up so I agreed to go meet him.”
“When I got to the café, he had this whole romantic setup. He bought my drink and pastry and basically spent the whole time letting me talk. He just listened. By the end of it, I really liked him and I agreed to meet him again. So next week, we met at another place he chose. He was super nice to all the employees there and he had this… charisma. I don’t know how to explain it. It was like everyone who knew him loved him and wanted to be around him.”
Isaac nodded.
“Sorry,” I said with a sigh. “It sounds like I’m gushing over him, but I’m just… trying to air out my thoughts, I guess.”
“No, please don’t worry about it,” Isaac said, squeezing my hand. “I understand. Go on when you’re ready.”
I took a moment to steel myself before I continued. “So, to my surprise, at the end of the second meet up he basically told me he loved me and wanted to see me more often. And me, being the love-struck idiot I was, said yes. I couldn’t believe this guy who was so smart and handsome and charismatic wanted to be with me. I couldn’t let him go. I didn’t want to.”
“After that, he started texting me during class. I got in trouble a lot, but I didn’t care. Whenever my phone vibrated, it was like my heart would explode. I’d get so excited just to talk to him, even if it wasn’t anything important. I’d skip class or leave in the middle of it to call him.”
“At first, Nico was happy for me because he knew I’d been wanting a boyfriend for a while. But when I started ditching class, my grades fell. Even when I was in class listening to the lecture, it was like I wasn’t fully there. All I could think about was Adrian. It was like he put some kind of spell on me. Whenever I wasn’t talking to him, my heart ached. I knew he loved me because it was all he talked about. Having someone tell you they love you more than anything… it was like a drug. I couldn’t get enough of it.
“He started talking about moving in together. At first I thought it was a joke. He just mentioned it off-hand, and I laughed because I didn’t know he was serious. But then he kept talking about it. In every conversation, he’d ask when I was finally gonna move in with him. I couldn’t believe it. There was a man who loved me this much and wanted to live together? It was like some kind of dream, or a movie. He was my first real love – so I thought, what the hell? Why not?
“So I moved into his apartment. I’d been there before, obviously. It was kind of a run-down place in an old building, but I thought it was the coolest thing ever. Like when you’re both young and barely have any money, but still living together anyway. It was super romantic to me. Or at least the idea was. I ignored all the bugs and the loud neighbors because I was in love with Adrian, and all the other stuff didn’t matter.”
I stopped for a moment and gathered myself.
“Then I broke the plate.”
Isaac’s eyes widened and glistened with sympathy. He knew exactly what I was talking about even before I could tell the rest of the story.
“He was watching TV and I was doing the dishes. I don’t know what happened, really. We didn’t have a dishwasher so I had to do them by hand, and I must have had dish soap on my fingers for them to be so slippery. Either way, it was an accident, and accidents happen, right? That’s what I thought until it slipped and crashed on the floor. The second I leaned down to start picking up the pieces, that’s when I heard him screaming.”
Isaac’s eyes widened but he didn’t interrupt.
“He stomped over and he was so angry and at first I didn’t even realize why. He kept screaming about how stupid I was and how could I be such an idiot. He kept going on and on. I didn't know what to do. I just sat there and took it. I was too scared to do anything else. That’s when I finally figured out that something wasn’t quite right.”
“He didn’t talk to me for hours. After he was done screaming, he told me to clean up the mess and that he didn’t want to see me for a while. The apartment only had one bedroom so all I could do was hide in the bathroom and pray he didn’t come in.”
“When he finally did, he was crying a little and said he was sorry and that he loved me, and that he was just having a bad day. I believed him. What else could I do? He’d never done anything like that to me before. It really spooked me but I thought it was a one-time thing. And besides, how could I not forgive him when he was crying and telling me he loved me? So I held him as he cried and reassured him everything would be okay.”
“Well, it wasn’t. It happened again. And again. Not breaking plates, but anything I did wrong. It never happened in public, either, just when we were at home. I was surprised the neighbors never called the cops on us with how much he’d scream at me. Some days I wished I couldn’t hear anymore. But honestly, it wasn’t just the screaming. Whenever he got mad, he would call me a million different insults and gesture like he was gonna hit me. He never did, but a few times I think he came pretty close.”
“It was always the same. Screaming, insults, then crying and needing me to console him. I was trap
ped. I didn’t know how to get out. Once he said that he would kill himself if I left him. I didn’t know what to do. At one point I guess I just gave up and figured I’d be stuck with him the rest of my life. I mean, what else was I gonna do? I couldn’t just run away.”
“This all started after he lost my first bird. If I had known then, I would never have brought an animal into that situation. I felt sorry for her. But at the same time, I’m glad she got away.”
Isaac stroked the back of my hand as he listened.
“It went on for weeks. Weeks turned into months, then years. I lost total track of time. It was like living in a void, where nothing existed except pain and fear. It sounds dramatic but that’s exactly what it was. I already didn't have a family – my parents gave up on me a long time ago – and I lost my friends because Adrian never wanted me to leave the apartment. All I had was him.”
My hands began trembling in Isaac’s grip and he held them tighter. “The night I finally got out – the night I met you, Isaac – that was the scariest night of my life.”
“You don't have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” he said.
“I know,” I said. “I want to.”
He nodded.
“It was raining heavily that night. He was mad about something again – it happened multiple nights a week at that point so it was just a matter of time. I can’t remember what it was. Sometimes he’d go nuts over something so inconsequential that I have trouble remembering what it was. He was screaming his head off at me again and then he just said it. He said he wanted to kill me. At first it didn’t register. Half the time I tuned him out when he started screaming just so that I wouldn’t have to listen to it. But when I realized what he had said, I went cold with fear. I was so scared he was going to kill me that night.”
“I don’t know what happened. I think I stopped thinking altogether and just functioned on instinct. It was like watching my own body from above. I was smaller and weaker than him, but faster. I knew if I could get to the door I could get out. I bolted for it, threw the door open and ran. I ran down the hall, down the stairs, and out onto the street. The entire time I heard his voice echoing behind me, screaming for me to stop.”