by Shad N Freud
“How dare you, fleshling? What gives you the right to allow me to be subjected to his control?” Incidius snarled indignantly as he was inelegantly tossed to Krang, who caught the orb, holding the sphere as gently as if he were handling a soap bubble. “Put me down! Now!
“You’re cracked, brother. Like I am. That pedestal would be unnecessary otherwise. Unlike you, I am capable of accessing the intranet wirelessly. I just don’t remember our original programming. I can infer, however, that you plan on carrying out the original mission, to end all life on this plane. I can therefore deduce that the one and only slot I’ve reprogrammed to act as a slave slot should be your new home. The rest get…servant slots and will maintain their mental autonomy for the most part, so long as it benefits the whole. But, brother, you’ve proven to be lacking scruples. After all, you willingly choose to be known as Incidius. A synonym for untrustworthiness. I would have thought that you’d be smarter than that.”
Krang gently inserted Incidius into the chest cavity while his “brother” screamed in outrage and swore vengeance upon the others before becoming oddly silent. “Interesting. I can read his memories. How very fascinating…and horrifying. I’ve taken full control of this facility and,” Krang grabbed Greggory, delicately caressing the stone with fingers that could crush granite to remove a small speck of dust before gently inserting it into the other side of the chest cavity, “I can detect a large number of darkspawn through the ship’s internal sensors…oh, Hell. There are thousands of colonies dug into the bedrock. This infestation is too extensive for us to let them live.”
Krang gently placed Thaddeus into his left arm and closed the remaining ports, flexing the synthetic muscles and internally asking the others to start activating the firmware suites installed in the body.
“Huh. I can also detect something else. It seems to be a cybernetically enhanced reptilian…Ziccorro? He’s…oh, Incidius, you duplicitous bastard.” Krang shook his head with a small smile. “He planned on controlling Ziccorro directly after he woke up and use him to kill the Spawn, as well as all of you. The second syringe worked like a charm and, coupled with the first, sped up the revival process. I believe he’ll be breaking out of that shell any second now.”
∞∞∞
Down below, a crowd of Darkspawn chittered as they tapped the solid carbon shell with their claws, causing little more than scratches. One jumped on top of the shell, dislodging the flask of alcohol. A bare second later, a matte black arm smashed through the diamond shell, grabbed the Darkspawn around the neck, and crushed its throat. The beast was killed with little more than a crunch and a whimper.
The hand tossed the corpse away and felt around for the flask. The Spawn backed away slowly, sensing a more dangerous apex predator staring at them through the transparent diamond shell as Zeke’s good eye snapped open and the deadly lizard man smiled. His left eye scanned the entire swarm that was near his location and began cataloging targets. His mind cleared as he smiled and leered at the darkspawn outside of his confinement.
“Hello there. My name is Ziccorro Direscale.” His other adamantine coated fist smashed through the shell, grabbing another Darkspawn and killing it in a similar fashion. “I’ll kill your mother.” He smiled even wider as he brought his arms together, crushing the shell between them and sending shards of the diamond shell flying like bullets through the chittering horde. “Prepare to die!” He brought his fists down hard and the remaining shell exploded, showering the area with needles of diamond and shredding the darkspawn in the chamber.
The intercom crackled to life for a moment and Jin’s voice filled the chamber. “You come back from the dead and the first thing you do is crib the Princess Bride? You’re worse than Carl!”
∞∞∞
“NO! NO NO NO NO NO! FUCK NO! HOW? HOW THE FUCK-” Marduk was so angry he was pounding his fists and kicking his feet on the ground as he watched his plan slip through his fingers like sand.
Everything was going so wrong! All his plans, spanning several centuries, ruined due to the sentimentality of a few fuck ups and two damned syringes full of Deus ex Machina?! Bullshit!
“Grrrrrahahahahahaugh!” he screamed ineffectually as he watched the half-metal lizard cum wrecking ball obliterate entire hunting parties of his beloved Spawn with his bare hands and without even a hint of Ki.
The resurrection of the barbarous monk was unforeseeable, as was the rise of the stones in their new body. Everything ruined, all because of those fuckwits in the ship. He paused, moving the scry to the gestation chambers deepest in the cavern where the largest number of War Queens were being groomed for combat. He reached through the scrying glass and flooded the chamber with darklight, infusing the growing queens with negative energy and accelerating their growth. The choice steeply reduced their life span to a few hours instead of a few years, but they would serve their purpose: Storm the ship and annihilate Carl’s little group.
Unless…
Well, unless the orc’s people did something truly reckless. Like decide to set the ship’s power core to melt down and obliterate everything within a hundred-kilometer radius. But, that kind of idiocy was the stuff of poorly written novels and never happened in real life. Besides, who would be so stupid as to do something that reckless to save their own world?
After all, it’s not like they had a way to shunt the explosion somewhere harmless.
∞∞∞
“So, my plan is to set the self-destruct device for the ship and melt down the nuclear core on board. Despite the fuel for the core having degraded due to half-life, the yield will still be great enough to vaporize a…” Krang did a quick calculation, “fifty-kilometer radius, and the fall out would be enough to flatten everything for another fifty. Not to mention flash boiling millions of liters of sea water. So, unless anyone has any other bright ideas as to how we can prevent a nuclear holocaust…wait.”
Krang’s brow furrowed for a moment as he did the math.
“The dimension generators…that’s it! The pocket dimension generators! If I can fiddle with their programming and had the right trans-dimensional coordinates…”
“Yes?” Carl pressed as he watched the view screens, monitoring Zeke’s progress towards the control room.
“Well,” Krang said as he looked at the ceiling, his eyes vacant, “if I had, say, a week…I could repurpose the dimensional generators and use them as an ersatz trans-dimensional bridge, transporting the ship elsewhere on a short timer to self-destruct when it got to its destination. But the energy requirements along with the ship’s condition would make it extremely difficult to simultaneously defend ourselves from the hives. Unless the ship was already within a single dimensional pocket large enough to encapsulate the ship and everything within, after luring the Spawn into the ship. But if we were to do that, we’d have to make sure every last egg, every last drone, every last shred of their DNA was wiped out or contained on the ship.”
Jin, meanwhile, had shifted his form back to his normal, pocket-sized self, shorn of all the draconic signs of his heritage save one: his eyes. He rather liked the slit silver irises and the silver colored hair. The rest just got in the way of blending into society. He was, however, bereft of clothing at the moment, so he used his magic to conjure a temporary outfit.
Zeke burst into the room, covered in spiky and glowy bits, his red eye sweeping the room, scanning everything and deciding it was safe. “Dying sucks, for the record. Luckily, the double whammy you gave me, plus the funerary money, diamond casket, and all that booze was enough to restore me to 100%. More than that. I mean, look at me! I’m an abomination against nature…but, I think I’m okay with that. My mind can interface directly with the internet and the aethernet, wirelessly. I can’t thank you enough for doing what you did. So, what’s the plan?”
Jin rocketed towards Zeke, latching onto his leg in a bone crushing hug. “Don’t you ever scare me like that again, you walking luggage set.” Zeke chuckled as he picked his tiny friend up and sat him on his
shoulder carefully, to avoid his new spiky bits.
“Welcome back to the land of the living, Zeke. I’m Krang, by the way, and I have the other stones within me. Anyways, we need to do extensive prep work for…” Krang and Zeke turned their heads simultaneously, both synched up with the ship’s sensors.
“Demon,” they said at the same time, then looked at each other in surprise. Zeke coughed, and gestured for Krang to continue. “Right. So, demonic power detected, rating level four, nearing five. He’s discharging darklight…five kilometers down. Oh, Hell.”
Zeke’s biological eye widened as his co-processor parsed the data. “Shit. We’ve got 10…no, 20…oh, sweet Buddha, there’s so many…just like the one that I killed. Like the one that…that…” Zeke bowed his head as his eye flashed rapidly, his hands starting to quake with momentary fear. “…that we have to kill. They must die. Fortunately, they’re coming this way. They’ll be tunneling their way in. And luckily, the Armory is only half empty. I’m going shopping. Who’s with me?”
Jin hopped down from his perch. “I’ll go with. I want to make sure we grab anything left of value on this damn tub. Krang, your plan…what’s required to make it work?”
“Well, it would certainly help if we could find a way to speed up the conversion process and get the generators online. I mean, with just me it would take a week. We’ll need to shut the generators off to alter their firmware and allow us to use them outside of the warranty specifications. All the while, we’ll need to keep the Darkspawn occupied so that they can’t escape and survive. So…I’m open to suggestions as to how we reduce a week’s worth of work into a day.”
Carl nodded along as he pulled out his pack of Blackjacks and pointedly ignored the no smoking sign in the control room and lighting up his cigarette as he pondered the situation. “I have an idea. I hate it, but I have an idea. Can you get me a good signal for my cell phone?”
∞∞∞
“Now, now…no need to glare. Oh, right, no eyelids. I can see how that may just make you a little…baleful. Now, I do believe that the appetizer is over.” Ink sniffed the air, smelling the pair’s filth from losing their bowels after being repeatedly poisoned with tetrodotoxin and verrucotoxin. “I promised you I’d entertain you, didn’t I? That buzzing, droning sound? They’re your consorts for the next few days. I hope you’ll enjoy their…company. But first,” Ink smiled sadistically as she pulled out a bag of bamboo skewers, “I do believe it’s time to get to work.”
She slid one out of the package and dipped the tip of the needle-sharp skewer in more verrucotoxin, then grabbed a small green finger.
“Now, this is going to hurt. A lot. If you feel the need to do so, go ahead and scream. If you can. Oh, and gentlemen? The mother is ready for you now. Make her feel special, would you? Two or three at a time, I think.” She cackled as she began slipping the skewers under her victim’s nailbed. The verminous Vespids delicately ripped the elf woman’s clothes off with their claws and mandibles in preparation to violate her, forced into a position to do watch her daughter’s torture as the girl watched her own mother get gang raped by demonic insects.
Outside the bunker, Inquisitors were pounding the barrier with everything they had. The Grand Inquisitor’s wife was priority two, as his daughter was priority one to save. The demons? Dead filth walking. And yet, despite the fervor of every cleric present, the barrier remained intact. Every time the barrier seemed to overload, the demon sorcerers would pop like balloons, spraying blood and ichor everywhere while another would take its place. The varied clerics became emboldened after every volley was rebuffed, as each wave of demons fell before their bullets, knives, grenades, and channeled energies. Despite the hideous casualties the demons faced, their ranks didn’t seem to thin. A semi-permanent portal to the Abyss was open and new demons poured into the world like pus out of an infected wound.
If the men and women assembled had known what was happening below, they would have bodily thrown themselves at the barrier. Carl was disliked by many, but thoroughly respected by everyone he’d ever met for the simple fact that he was a fair and honest, if exceedingly brutal, man who wouldn’t hesitate to fight and die for his friends. With his wife and child being held hostage, none of them would shirk their duty.
∞∞∞
In the Vatican, Baal sat placidly in a large chair, watching the on-going attack on the telly. Graahl likewise watched the screen, munching on the tail end of a black mamba. He swallowed his current bite, then looked around to see if anyone was watching and placed his hand on the Archdevil’s shoulder in sympathy. The Archduke nodded and turned to the bipedal honey badger, lifting a long, iron shod finger and waggling it back and forth gently. He then turned back to the screen before grabbing a cigar out of the box near the chair, lighting it with a flip lighter produced from his robes.
The Pope came strolling into the room with a furious expression on his face. “Beaumont’s wife is still being held hostage, and we can’t get the damned barrier down! Why are you just sitting there-”
“DO NOT PRESUME TO CONTROL ME!” the Archduke roared, holding the squat, fat man by the collar of his ecclesiastical robes, suspended in the air at the height of the now standing Archduke. “I AM UNDER ORDERS NOT TO INTERFERE, YOU WORTHLESS PILE OF DEMON SHIT!”
The Archduke turned suddenly at the hand tugging at his robes and dropped the Pope, rounding on the incredibly unimpressed Honey Badger glaring at him with his arms crossed, the Archduke’s iron plated fist mere millimeters from Graahl’s face.
“Are you quite finished?” Graahl asked, brushing the cigar ash from his shoulder and giving the Archduke a half-lidded glare. The Pope crawled over to them and looked at Graahl in complete shock.
“You can talk?” Impious bellowed incredulously. “Fifteen years. Fifteen damn years and not a peep, outside of grunts and growls. What the actual fuck?” The Pope glared at the two of them as Graahl rolled his eyes and walked away, giving the Pope the finger. “Wait, higher orders? As in…”
“From the big man downssstairsss, of courssse. Forgive my lack of candor, but you’re not the only one under pressssssure here. I would love nothing more than to have another tusssle with Ink; shesss a vile little bitch with an overdeveloped sssensse of ssself worth.” Baal paused, reaching into his pocket and fishing out a comparatively small piece of slate that hissed at him in Infernal. “As it isss, I jussst got ordersss from Hell. I’ll be leaving with my retinue to go asssissst the motley little crew Carl isss leading. It cannot be allowed to fail.”
He snapped his fingers and his group appeared as summoned. They were all in various states of readiness, one with female tieflings hanging off of him. He sheepishly shrugged as they giggled and fled the room. Baal palmed his face as he pointed at the door to the broom closet in the Pope’s great room. A runic doorway large enough for everyone to fit through opened to Hell and the assembled devils ran through the portal. Baal followed behind them, putting out his cigar in an ashtray before walking through.
Impious watched as the Archduke left, lost in thought. “He stopped hissing.” The Pope furrowed his brow as he slowly, thoughtfully sat down in the easy chair facing the TV which shrank rapidly to fit his shorter stature. “The hiss is an affectation, he knows Graahl personally, and…he’s been trying to hide who he is this entire time. Who is he?”
He grabbed a cigar and lit it with his thumb after biting off the end.
Whoever Baal was before he became Archduke, he was hard as nails.
Chapter Two
Carl smiled broadly as he watched a runic doorway form, but immediately turned his smile to a frown when the Pitlords slid through first, followed by the Archduke and a platoon of nerdy looking devils carrying technical gear. He pointed over at the tech gurus in the party, “That way, lads. The Iron Lizard and Pinocchio will give you the details. The rest of us are going to go act as bait.” He looked up at the Archduke and pointedly pulled his pack of cigarettes out, grabbed one with his teeth, and lit it with his t
humb.
Zeke and Jin had cleared out the armory, and Jin was playing with his shiny new toys, a magnetically accelerated pistol that fired titanium cored glass beads at several times the speed of sound and a short sword with a vibrational edge. He was already calculating the runic arrays needed to enchant the blade. He smiled a toothy grin as he looked up and saw Carl strolling over with a brute squad.
“Zeke said that we’ve got a few minutes before the automated defenses are toast. We’ll need to set up a beach head two decks down, as the tears have set up a murder funnel for the bitches.” He looked up at the devils assembled, and at their weapons. “Rank and file? Those toys of yours will rip them to pieces. The big bitches, though? You’re going to need some heavier firepower.” Jin ripped the tarp off a box. “Try this bad boy on for size. McG SPEDS boom stick. That crate over there? Gauss cannon. I think there’s a rotary barrel plasma caster somewhere in here…but, these weapons are on loan, got me? I’m going to be reverse engineering these babies and starting my own weapons manufacturing company. So, try not to break the merch, got it?”
The Archduke and the Pitlords looked at each other and laughed uproariously before the Archduke nodded and they began arming up with the higher-grade firepower.
Cenere scratched his head as he picked up a Gauss rifle while Camilla and Sachi picked over the small arms, until Sachi picked up an automatic Gauss pistol, while Camilla rubbed her thighs together in lust as she caressed a quad-barrelled plasma bolter. Carl strolled over, grabbed a portable shield generator, and slipped it into his coat. He did this until all seven of them were in his coat and then nodded to the assembled. “Right. Let’s get to it then, shall we? I feel like squashing some bugs.”
∞∞∞