Finding Amy

by Poppen, Sharon

  “Hey? What’s this? You have boyfriends?” I acted shocked.

  She laughed. “Oh, Daddy. Not really. Boys my age are kind of mean.”

  “Mean? Tell me who. I’ll take care of anyone who is mean to my baby.”

  “Daddy, I’m not a baby.” She protested. “They aren’t all mean. Jeff Spencer is nice. He’s kind of cute and hardly ever pulls my hair.”

  “Cute, huh. Cuter than your old Dad?” I teased.

  Her little eyes widened. “Oh no, Daddy. You’re still my cutest and favorite boyfriend and you always will be.”

  I smiled. “Susie, baby, I kind of wish that were true. But the truth is, that in just a few years you’ll be growing up and leaving your old Dad behind for some young man. He’ll far outshine anyone in your eyes and honey, that’s the way it should be.” Her eyes were wide with interest as I continued, “I want you to grow up healthy and happy, accomplish all your goals and someday get married and raise a whole passel of grandkids for me to love and spoil rotten in my old age.”

  She giggled. “You’ll never be that old. Besides, no boy will ever outshine you in my eyes. You’re the best!”

  The admiration in her eyes was a tonic for my concerns about how she would be able to handle the wild, crazy emotional ride of puberty. “Thank you, baby.” I winked at her. “But, eventually a young man will come along and sweep you off your feet. Perhaps it’ll even be Jeff Spencer. At any rate, honey, what I’m trying to say is that I’ll always be here to listen to your questions and to advise in any way. You know that don’t you?” She nodded and I went on. “Don’t ever be too embarrassed to talk to me about anything. Remember, I’m your Dad and I want you to be happy. Nothing you could ever say or do would embarrass me. Do you understand, honey?”

  She nodded. “I’m never embarrassed about anything with you. I trust you more than anyone in the whole world.” Her little face was such a perfect image of her mother that it caught me off guard for a brief moment.

  “Good, I’m glad to hear it. I’m counting on you to remember to keep me informed on the happenings in your life and keep me a part of everything. That way when you’re all grown up and go off to school or get married, I’ll still feel included in your life. We’ll still be buddies.”

  She smiled, jumped up, threw her arms around me in a bear hug and gave me a big kiss. “It’s a deal, Daddy!”

  When we returned to the house that evening, I told Mrs. Watkins about our conversation and she seemed pleased. I told her I would wait now and let Susie come to me when she was ready. But I cautioned her to keep a close eye and ear on Amy and her mother’s conversations with Susie.

  Things were under control again allowing me to relax and enjoy my daughter and my life in general.

  *****

  The next five years flew by so fast that I scarcely remember them. Amy’s father had died and now her mother spent more time than ever at our house. I thought about baring her, but I felt she couldn’t do anymore harm than she already had so I let things ride. I was wrong. Again.

  The next round of trouble began one evening right after Susie’s fifteenth birthday. I arrived home to hear loud voices coming from the house. At the front door, I could hear Susie yelling.

  “You’re wrong. Jeff’s not like that. He isn’t. I know he isn’t!” Her sobs tore at my heart as she ran up the stairs to her room.

  I walked into the parlor to find Amy and her mother. “What the hell is going on?” I demanded.

  My mother-in-law met me eye to eye. “Suzanne accepted a ring from Jeff Spencer and Amy and I were telling her what a boy expected in return for such a ring.”

  “Oh my God!” I roared. I clenched my fist to keep from hitting her. I left her no doubt about how angry I was as I bellowed an order. “You be gone when I come back downstairs.” I wheeled around, bounded out of the room and up the stairs to my daughter’s room.

  I rapped once on the door and turned the knob to open it. It was locked. I called to her. “Susie, open up. It’s Daddy.” The door flew open and she threw herself into my arms.

  She was sobbing and I couldn't make out what she was saying.

  I held her close and let her cry herself out. When she had calmed somewhat, I spoke to her softly. “Okay angel, tell me what happened.”

  She walked to her dresser and grabbed a tissue. After wiping her eyes and blowing her nose, she began. “I came home this afternoon with what I thought was great news. Jeff asked me to wear his senior ring and that means I’m his only girl.” She tried for a smile. “Oh, Daddy, it meant so much to me. I wanted you and Mom to share my excitement.”

  I nodded and held out my hand to her. She took it and I walked her to the window where we sat on a window bench. The spring breeze fluttering through her pastel curtains brought no relief to my heated rage, but I managed to urge her on. “Go on, honey.”

  “After I told them, grandmother looked at mom and said, ‘I told you to tell the child the truth about what really goes on between men and women regardless of what Dan says. But no, you let him have his way and now it has come to this. The poor child will be hurt like he hurt you.’ Daddy?” She paused and looked up at me.

  “Susie, tell me everything that was said. Then I’ll answer your questions. Okay?” She could see that I was biting my lip.

  She nodded. “I asked mother what she meant and she said that you had warned her to keep me in the dark about what happens between men and women so she hadn’t dared to talk to me about it.”

  “Oh, Christ.” I moaned. I still held her hand. “Tell me what happened next, baby.”

  “I asked what she meant, but grandmother broke in to say that once a boy gives you a ring he feels he should get something in return and it really isn’t very nice what they expect. She said it was ugly and nasty. She said Jeff will now want me to touch him and he’ll want to touch me in very private places.” Her eyes welled up in tears as she continued. “And, because I took his ring he now has a to right to do this.” She looked up at me in disbelief. “Daddy, I just can’t believe that Jeff is going to do the awful things they said. They showed us some films about sex in school, but they said it was normal and at the right time it was a beautiful thing between two people.” She paused and raised her eyebrows in question as she continued, “But now grandmother and mother are saying the school films lied and that I will see a new and disgusting Jeff. Will I, Daddy? Will I? Are men really nasty and mean?” She looked desperate and unsure. “You must tell me the truth. Please Daddy, the truth.”

  I was so sick inside that I wasn’t sure if I manage to talk. Everything she’d said made me more and more furious, but that last statement about being sure to tell her the truth had cut deep into my heart. Susie had never doubted my word on anything. Now, they had planted seeds of doubt in her mind about me. I knew, at that moment, what it was like to really want to kill someone. I looked down at the beautiful face pleading with me to be truthful. It could have been Amy’s face. The eyes, the hair, the chin were so like her mother. Please God, don’t let my daughter be plagued with the same devils that torment her mother. Help me to say the right things to calm and reassure her.

  I squeezed her hands. “First of all honey, Jeff would never bring you any harm physically or mentally. He’s a nice young man. It’s not his style. But, he also knows he would have to deal with me if he did.” Her eyes bore into mine, hanging on my every word. I knew she wanted to believe me. I continued, “Susie, I need to tell you some things that I had hoped we would never have to discuss.” I held her chin and looked into her eyes. “Please listen closely and try to understand and bear with me. Okay?”

  She nodded, but said nothing.

  “Your mom and grandmother have some serious problems regarding sex. Your grandmother had them first and then indoctrinated your mother with them. Before you were born, your mother and I had some problems. She had her fears and I was immature. I didn’t know how to deal with her. I did something the validated everything her mother told her about me
n and how they dealt with sex. I accept my responsibility for that and have felt bad about it for years.” The fear in her eyes was tearing my heart in two. “But, what happened between us was not normal. Most couples are like what they told you about in school. Look at the love between Grandpa and Grandma Lawrence or your uncles and aunts. Surely you feel the love they have for each other. That’s what’s normal, honey.” I had her full attention. Did I still have her trust? “I’m going to make an appointment for you to see Dr. Andrews and let him help us with this. He treated your mother years ago, before you were born and he understands her problems. Will that be okay with you?”

  She nodded tentatively with an air of confusion and sadness. I put my arm around her shoulder. She willingly came into my embrace and snuggled against me. I talked softly into her hair.

  “In the meantime, can you do me a favor?” I felt her nod. “Don’t talk to your mother about boys or sex. Just be kind to her. She needs your love. Can you do that?”

  She raised her head and met my eyes as silent tears slid down her cheeks. “Yes, Daddy, but I just don’t understand any of this. I’m so confused.”

  I pulled her close. “I know sweetie, but be patient. Doc Andrews will help you understand things a little better. I promise.”

  We talked for a few more minutes. I told her that if she was happy to wear Jeff’s ring she should do it. I said I liked him a lot and I trusted him to be a perfect gentleman with my daughter.

  She said she needed to be alone and was going to take her horse out for a run to sort things out in her mind. She promised to be back by dinnertime. I walked her downstairs, kissed her forehead and watch her head out toward the corral.

  My heart cried as I noticed her slow, preoccupied gait. Normally, she was bouncy and did everything with quick, sure movements. I no longer had a little girl. I had a very confused young lady on my hands. I turned and went back into the parlor. Vanessa had wisely departed, while Amy sat reading a book. She looked up at me expressionless. She eased back in her chair as I walked toward her and grabbed the book out of her hand. I read the title, then looked down at her in disgust. I threw the astrology book across the room and left without saying a word.

  *****

  A couple of days later, I drove Susie to see Doc Andrews. I paced the waiting room while he talked with her alone. When the door to his office opened and Susie came out, it was if she had lost a few years of her youth. She had a melancholy expression on her face and the mischievous little twinkle in her eyes had dimmed. She walked into my arms for a hug.

  “Susie and I had a good chat and I think it was productive. She seems to have a handle on the mental condition of her mother and grandmother. With her in the loop, maybe she’ll be able to help you, Dan, and maybe Amy, too.”

  I nodded and asked Susie to go on out to the car.

  “How did she seem to take it, Doc?”

  “Very well for such a young girl, but watch her and be there for her. She may need you now and again. Remember, she’s just beginning to feel her own sexual awakenings and learning how to deal with them. Now she has to cope with this additional baggage.” I nodded and sighed as he added, “However, you’ve got quite a girl there and I’m betting she’ll come out of this just fine.”

  “Thanks, Doc. I hope so.”

  “Call me anytime, Danny.” He watched as I headed out to join my daughter.

  On the way home, she was very quiet. I couldn’t remember a time with her that didn’t include a constant patter of small talk. That day, she just stared out the window. I didn’t know what to say either. Finally, she turned to me.

  “I love Mother very much. I always wondered about some of her strange ways, but I do love her.”

  “I know, honey.” I patted her hand. “I’m so sorry you had to find out. I’m sorry your mother and I are so messed up. I probably should have left her years ago, but believe it or not I still love her. Besides, she is your mother.”

  She nodded. “In some ways, I wish you had told me sooner. I’ll try very hard to be understanding and to help her.”

  “I know you will.” We had arrived home. Once the car was parked, I reached over and pulled her into my arms. “We’re lucky to have a daughter like you. At least we did one thing right.”

  She returned my sad smile.

  After that, Susie spent more time with her mother. She’d gotten her driver’s license shortly after her fifteenth birthday. Now, she and her mother took to driving into downtown Sparta or, on occasion, to Houston for one thing or another. I don’t think it was the errand as much as the opportunity for bonding.

  As for Amy, she seemed happy enough hanging out with Susie. My mother-in-law stayed away from the house and me. A wise decision on her part, because I definitely had homicidal tendencies toward the woman. I know that sometimes Susie and Amy talked about boys. I’d hear Susie fill her mother in on a party or dance she had been to, but there were no outbursts and Susie seemed to be handling things okay.

  *****

  The final trouble came just after Susie turned seventeen. I found out later that Vanessa had been coming to the house during the day when she knew I’d be gone.

  Susie and Jeff were going steady now and had gone to the senior prom. Susie was beautiful in her fairytale princess gown and tiara. I could see the appreciation in Jeff’s eyes when she descended the staircase. I also felt jealousy pangs, but just for a second. I liked Jeff and knew he would always be good to my baby. After the dance, they were going to a well-chaperoned, all-night party. They had our approval, at least mine, to attend it.

  I was having breakfast the morning after the prom when Jeff and Susie arrived home. They looked tired and frazzled from no sleep.

  Jeff excused himself quickly saying he needed to get some sleep before going off to help his father on their ranch.

  Susie kept yawning while telling me about the prom and all-night party.

  I listened for a while, then shagged her off to bed. I smiled thinking about what fun years the kids were having and probably didn’t have the sense to appreciate.

  After the prom, Jeff became a permanent fixture around the house. He was going off to college that fall. I knew he and Susie wanted to spend as much time together as possible before he left. His presence hit Amy hard. She had begun to expect that all of Susie’s spare time was hers. I should have seen the trouble coming.

  Susie wanted a party for Amy’s birthday; I agreed. I even relented and said that she could invite her grandmother and that I would behave myself. My family, Jeff’s family and, of course, Jeff were also invited. It was a fun day with a barbecue, presents and a delicious chocolate cake made by Susie herself. After all the guests, except Vanessa, had gone, we gathered on the patio to have some coffee.

  We had just gotten settled when Amy’s mother spoke to Susie. “Are you putting on a little weight, Suzanne?”

  Susie blushed and mumbled, “Maybe, a little.”

  I threw in my two cents worth. “It’s about time my little bean pole started to fill out.”

  Vanessa squinted her eyes and spoke in an icy voice that will always ring somewhere in the back of my mind. “Why, Suzanne, I do believe you are pregnant.”

  Susie did not move, but stared directly at her grandmother. The accusation had left us speechless. Susie found her voice and spoke without quiver or hesitation. “Yes, grandmother. I’m pregnant!” I jumped to my feet, but before I could say a word Susie went on. “But, let me tell you something. You were wrong. It was not nasty. It was wonderful. I have never felt so alive. We made love in the back seat of Jeff’s car on the night of our prom. It was me who started it, me who led him on and me who wouldn’t stop. It was a beautiful experience. And it was even more beautiful because I found out I’m okay.” Susie walked to within inches of her grandmother and continued. “I found out that I’m not like you. Oh, Grandma, you missed so much. No wonder you are such a bitter old lady.”

  Vanessa reeled back in shock as she began to gasp and clutch at her
chest. I stood there stunned trying to think of what to say when I heard a giggle that rapidly turned into a laugh. It was coming from Amy. She was laughing so hard tears were streaming down her face.

  Through her laughter, she managed to say, “Oh, Mother, my Suzanne has had the courage to face you down. Courage I never had.” She turned to her daughter and took her hand. “Bravo, my baby. You have had the last laugh on us.” Their eyes locked, then Amy’s laughter turned to tears. “Oh, my sweet baby. What have I done to you? I’ve messed up your life. Oh, my baby. My Susie.”

  Susie reached down to pull her mother into her arms, then urged her up to stand beside her. It was as though Amy were the child. With her arm around her mother, Susie glared at her grandmother. When she spoke, I scarcely recognized my own daughter’s voice. Her total malice shocked me.

  “Grandmother, I never want to see you again, nor do I want my mother to see you again. Get out of this house. You’ve caused enough pain and it has to stop. Get out of our lives. Now!” She turned, dismissing her grandmother as she helped her sobbing mother up the stairs to her room.

  I was left face to face with my enemy. I had tried to sever the evil relationship between her and her daughter and had failed tragically. I had failed my wife and my daughter, but now my own daughter had done it for me. The old woman knew she was defeated

  She began screaming at me. She rose from her chair totally out of control and came at me with both fists swinging while screaming. “You did this! You did this! You vile nasty man. You’ve ruined my daughter and now my granddaughter. You’re vile!” She kept screaming and swinging at me. I grabbed at her wrists to try to deflect her blows. At first she was strong as an ox, but suddenly she began to lose strength and I watched her face twist in pain and gasp for air. I stood there stunned as she went completely limp in my arms and her gasping subsided.