by Kyra Lennon
“Well, let’s see what the doctors say over the next few days,” I said. “A lot of things can change in a few days.”
When he just nodded again, I opened my handbag, in time to hear the text alert go off. Ash didn’t look up from the spot on the blue covers he was staring at, so I quickly opened up the message.
Evie, have you changed your number? If this isn’t Evie, can you at least tell me so I can leave you alone?
A groan escaped my lips and I quickly typed back: This is still my phone, Jay, but please leave me alone anyway. I don’t think there’s anything left to say.
I tossed the phone back into my bag, rummaging in there for what I was originally looking for. When my fingers found it, I pulled it out and placed it on the bed in front of Ash. “Merry Christmas.”
Ash’s eyes moved to the small wrapped box then to me. “What’s that?”
“Open it,” I told him, trying to keep my expression neutral.
With confusion on his face, he picked up the box and unwrapped it then lifted the lid. When he saw the contents, he slowly lifted it out. “Really?” he asked, holding it up in the air.
I bit the inside of my cheek when I saw his lips twitch. “One phone charger, as promised.”
Lowering the charger to his lap, Ash’s gaze met mine and he burst out laughing, clutching onto his ribs as he did so.
Jesus, that is an amazing sound.
In spite of everything, the fact that I’d gone to the effort of wrapping up my old spare phone charger had made him laugh out loud—even if it had hurt him a bit—and a little of the constant chill I’d felt since all this had happened warmed.
“Thank you,” he said after a few moments, his eyes a touch brighter than they had been when I’d arrived. “Best Christmas present I could have asked for.”
“You’re welcome,” I said, smiling. “I’m sorry it wasn’t a real gift, but-”
He shook his head, turning the charger slowly around in his hands. “It’s the thought that counts, right? And this is just what I need right now.”
“Glad to be of service.” There was a short silence, and then I said, “So… how are you really feeling today?”
Ash drew in a long breath. “I don’t know.” He looked up at me. “I think I’m supposed to feel something, but I don’t.”
While I grappled around in my mind for the right words, the right questions, I realised after a short time that maybe there were no right words. If that was how he felt, that was how he felt.
“You know…” I began, “after I lost my baby, like, immediately after, I was in so much pain. It was like my heart couldn’t handle it. I cried non-stop for a full day, and then… nothing. For a few days, I was in a haze. I didn’t feel anything. My counsellor said it was probably shock. That sometimes our minds shut down so we can avoid feeling the loss for a while, but it’s temporary. It’s always just temporary. When the pain came back, I kind of wished for the numbness again.”
Ash stared at me thoughtfully. “So, I should enjoy this while I can?”
I gave a small laugh. “Something like that.”
Dropping the charger he’d been playing with down on the bed, he shifted, sitting up a bit more. “Yesterday, and while… you know… while it was happening… while she was…” I nodded to let him know I understood. “I didn’t care anymore. I wanted her to keep going until I didn’t wake up. When I did wake up, I wished I hadn’t. I wished the police hadn’t saved me.”
“Ash-”
He shook his head, silencing me. “I’m telling you this because I know you understand that feeling. But today, it’s more like I don’t care. If I keep breathing or if I don’t, it doesn’t matter. Somehow, though, that already seems like a step in the right direction. Yesterday, I wished I was dead. Now I don’t wish that anymore, I just… I don’t mind either way. Is that stupid?”
I squinted for a second, trying to stop tears from falling from my eyes again. It wasn’t just his words that affected me, but that I could see it in his eyes. On his face. His light, although it had flickered slightly, wasn’t there. And I knew how he felt.
“That’s not stupid at all,” I told him. “Just so long as you know that, if you ever fall right back into the feeling of not wanting to live anymore, you should call me. Call anyone. Because while it doesn’t seem that way now, there are a million things to live for.”
He nodded, but I knew he didn’t believe me. It was too soon. Everything was too raw. But he would believe me. In time, he would.
The sound of my phone ringing caused me to growl. I already knew it was Jay again before I picked it up. Maybe I shouldn’t have sent that text, or should have gone with his theory and told him the phone didn’t belong to me anymore.
I stared at his name on the screen, and Ash said, “You okay?”
“It’s my ex again,” I told him.
“He’s still calling you?”
I nodded. “Very much.”
As the phone continued to ring, Ash said, “Why don’t you answer it? Maybe then he’ll stop.”
I knew he was right. And Keely had pretty much said the same thing. But just because it was the obvious thing to do, didn’t mean I wanted to.
Do it. Stop hiding and do it.
The thought annoyed me because it was so accurate. I was hiding. I was trying to protect myself, but Jay seemed determined not to let me get away with that. I stood up, realising that if I didn’t answer the call before it stopped ringing this time, I would never do it.
“I’ll be right back.”
I slipped out of Ash’s room and swiped to answer the call. Instead of the standard greeting, I opted for, “What do you want, Jay?”
There was a long pause, then Jay said, “Evie. I was about to hang up.”
There was surprise in his voice. Of course there was. There was no reason for him to think this call would end up any other way than the others had; with him being directed to my voicemail. But he still sounded like him. My Jay. The one I’d known for what felt like forever, and I wasn’t ready for hearing him to make goosebumps pop up on my skin. It wasn’t from desire though. Just that familiarity of him that had etched itself into my skin after we’d spent so many years together.
The only thing I could think of to say was a repeat of my question, so instead, I just waited quietly.
“How are you, Evie?”
His tone was soft, and I leaned back against the door with a sigh. “I’m okay. Why are you calling?”
Perhaps my constant avoidance of his calls had led to him forgetting what he wanted to say because he stumbled over his words. “Well, I… It’s just that… I… Can I see you?”
I didn’t know what I’d expected him to say, but that wasn’t it, and I closed my eyes for a second. “Why?” I asked quietly.
“Because I miss you. I miss having you in my life.”
But you left me. And friendly as our divorce was, I don’t want to see you again.
I knew saying those words out loud would sound heartless, so I swallowed them down. It had taken me a year to fully let go of him. A year to accept that everything we’d built together was gone and wasn’t coming back. Another year on, I was still struggling with anxiety and the grief of losing our son. I didn’t think that would ever stop. The last thing I needed was him barging back in and shattering whatever semblance of a life I’d clawed back.
“Jay.” I sighed. “We agreed. Once it was over, it was really over. No friendship. No casual texts to ask how the other is doing. Nothing.”
“I know, Evie. I know. But a lot of things have happened, and for as long as I’ve known you, you were always the one I talked to. Now… I miss that.”
“Why can’t you talk to Julia?”
She was the woman in his life now. That had been made pretty clear when he’d left me to be with her.
“It’s complicated,” Jay said. “Evie, please. Can we have a coffee or something?”
“Where are you?” I asked, my heart rate picking up. B
ecause the last I’d heard, he was living in Scotland.
“I’m staying in Manchester with my parents for a few days.”
That was a lot closer than I liked him being. It wasn’t weird that he was seeing his parents between Christmas and New Year. What was weird was that he’d said he was staying. No mention of Julia.
Curiosity prickled in my veins, but I said nothing because whatever was going on, it wouldn’t change my answer.
“I can’t,” I said, softly but firmly. “I can’t.”
“Julia and I broke up,” he blurted out, and my heart jolted at the hint of desperation in his tone. “Evie, I just want half an hour of your time. There are some things I… I just need to see you.”
Self-preservation, or understanding? I knew which one of those usually won out for me, especially with people I cared about. And I did still care about Jay. How could I not? But there was too much at stake for me to think about seeing him again. Seeing him would be a reminder of all the pain I’d fought so hard to get through. I wasn’t sure I had the strength to do it again.
As tears pricked at my eyes, I whispered, “I’m sorry,” then hung up the phone and turned it off.
Blinking a few times and taking a breath to compose myself, I straightened up, turned around, and walked back into Ash’s room, closing the door behind me.
Ash looked up at me. “I’d ask how it went, but… I think it’s clear.”
I gave a brief nod before walking over and sitting beside him on the bed, still fighting an urge to cry that I didn’t fully understand.
I felt Ash’s hand cover mine for the briefest moment before he pulled it back quickly and placed it in his lap. As I glanced up at him, he said, “You’ve been here for me the last few days. Well, really since we met.” He let out a small laugh then continued. “I just want you to know that you can talk to me if you want to.”
“I might take you up on that sometime,” I said, offering him a gentle smile.
When the doctor told me I’d passed the mental evaluation they gave me, I almost laughed. I’d been sure I’d say something that meant they’d want to keep me under observation for a bit longer, but I’d been given the go ahead to leave hospital, armed with some anti-depressants and some appointments booked to see if the tablets helped, and to get my injuries checked over again.
I’d been in hospital for three long days. Evie had come both days, and she’d been amazing. She somehow seemed to know which times I wanted company and which times I didn’t. And when she was there, she’d somehow figured out when it was okay to try and push me to talk and when I didn’t want to.
It was a skill, because most of the time, I didn’t know what I wanted or needed. There were times when I wanted to lie still, unmoving, questioning my existence. Contemplating what a waste of space I was. Then I thought about Natalie. I knew what she’d done hadn’t been my fault, and yet, I still couldn’t stop telling myself it could have been avoided if I’d just let her do whatever she wanted that night. My mind kept taking me back to the good times, and I’d picked up my phone more than once and started to text her to tell her I was sorry for ruining everything. I was sorry I’d made her hate me. I never actually sent those messages, but I’d been close several times. What would have been the point, though? I was too much of a loser to get her back, and I didn’t want to go back. Not really. I’d told her to leave right before she’d attacked me, so why was I even reminiscing about the times when she wasn’t awful?
And then, other times, I just wanted to talk about something. Anything to stop the noise in my head. Evie had been a great distraction because, instead of trying to make me talk about my feelings, she’d talked to me about music, or we’d played Words With Friends—a game I’d gotten pretty damn good at—or we’d watched some stupid show on Netflix for half an hour. All of it helped, and I wasn’t sure what I would have done without her.
When the day came for me to leave hospital, she came through for me again. My mum had given me some money as promised and I’d found a cheap bed and breakfast, just like she’d wanted me to do.
But before that, I had to go back to the flat.
I didn’t have any clothes other than what I’d had when I went into hospital. I’d been in a hospital gown the whole time, and Evie had gone shopping for me and picked up a couple of things for me to go home in—including a shaving kit because my beard was getting out of control. A little bit of dye and I could have passed for Santa.
It felt a bit strange telling Evie what clothes sizes I wore, but she’d seen me at my worst already. At that point, what difference did it make if she knew what underwear size I needed? We’d actually laughed about it, and it broke any awkwardness I felt about it.
“So,” Evie said once I was dressed in a pair of black jeans and a Rolling Stones t-shirt, “are you good to go?”
I glanced down at myself. My shoes were on, and I had my phone and charger stowed in my pocket. We still had to wait for the police to come as I didn’t have my key with me when I was brought into hospital, and that meant Natalie would be there when I went over. I didn’t want to be alone with her, so having the police there would make it a bit easier.
“I’m good,” I said, looking down at the floor before looking up at Evie. She was leaning against the wall by the door, waiting with me until the police arrived, while I sat on the edge of the bed. I was still in quite a lot of pain, especially from my ribs and the bruising all over me. My cuts were beginning to heal up, so the nurses had told me, but I hadn’t managed to look into a mirror since it had all happened. Didn’t want to see the scars I could feel on me. All it would have done was remind me of what she’d done.
Of what I’d caused her to do to me.
“Try again,” she said, her eyes fixed on mine, a knowing but kind expression on her face.
I shrugged. “I’m okay. Just not looking forward to coming face to face with Natalie.”
“Why couldn’t the police make her leave while you go in? Even if she went to the shops after she’d unlocked the door it would help.”
“I could have got a restraining order against her,” I said. “If I had, she would have had to leave. But I didn’t, so she’s perfectly entitled to be there.”
I’d considered the restraining order; I knew it wasn’t needed. She wasn’t going to know where I was, and since I was being escorted to my B&B by the police, she wouldn’t follow me. Even if she did find out, she’d made it pretty clear that I wasn’t wanted, so why the hell would she bother coming anywhere near me?
“Do you want to see her?” Evie asked quietly.
I looked away from her while I considered her question. This was the stupid part. I didn’t want to see her. Not after what she did. But that didn’t mean I didn’t still feel something for her. I just hadn’t analysed what it was. What it meant. I’d only had one break up before Natalie, and my feelings had been confusing then too. Just because something’s over, doesn’t mean the emotions go away.
But they should have gone away this time. She put you in fucking hospital.
“Can I ask you a question first?” I said, hoping my next words weren’t a step too far. When Evie nodded, I said, “I know you told your ex you don’t want to see him, but is there any part of you that still wants to?”
She raised her eyebrows slowly, as if she was thinking carefully about her answer. After a while, she said, “He was my husband. I was with him for a long time, and so… yeah. There’s a small part of me that wants to see him. But more of me doesn’t want to because I know he’ll want to discuss things that will hurt. And that probably sounds selfish because maybe he needs me, for whatever reason. It’s just… there comes a point when you have to close the door. You have to do the right thing to protect yourself. Since he left, that’s what I’ve had to do.”
I nodded. Her answer made mine easier to admit. “That’s how I feel too. I mean, the sort of wanting to see her part. I know I shouldn’t because I really don’t want to be with her anymore. But…”
I shrugged, unable to finish the sentence.
“Love’s complicated, huh?” She gave me a small smile, and I laughed.
“Yeah. It’s complicated.”
Hearing a scuffling sound outside the door, I looked up as two of the police officers assigned to my case walked in. Sergeant Wright and Constable Matthews had been the main officers who had been supporting me. Sergeant Wright was probably in his forties, and Constable Matthews was more around my age, and they both smiled warmly at me.
“Are you all ready to go?” Sergeant Wright asked, and I nodded, standing up. The doctors had been in shortly before and given me everything I needed.
Evie picked up her bag from the floor as Sergeant Wright opened the door for us to leave, and I picked up the paper bag with my tablets in.
“Okay,” Evie said, giving me a small smile, “I’m gonna go home. Call me when you get settled at the B&B, okay?”
I was about to nod and say I would, when without warning, I lost my voice and movement. I opened my mouth, but no words came out, and I felt my heart rate speed up.
Great time for a panic attack. I berated myself internally, but the realisation that I was about to face Natalie suddenly hit me. I thought I’d prepared myself for it, but my feet seemed to be stuck to the spot. My chest began to ache, and I leaned forward, placing my hands on my knees, feeling like a complete twat.
I saw the police officers’ feet begin to walk towards me, but it was Evie who reached me first. She knelt down on the floor in front of me, and holding my gaze, she said, “Slow, deep breaths. You’re okay.”
Following her advice, I breathed in deeply, blowing out each breath slowly until the ache in my chest calmed and my heart beat steadied. I stood up, wobbling a little, slightly dizzy from my freak out. Evie gently rested her hand on my arm.