Being located in a popular strip, it was common to have papers left on our cars, but a chill skated over my skin as I quickly looked around the parking lot. I told Jaxson I would wait for him to finish up before leaving, but that stark white piece of paper had my heart sinking.
Creeping to my car like that was going to make everything better, I pulled the folded paper loose with the tips of my fingers and opened it with shaky hands. My vision was hazy, and my head was swimming with adrenaline and fear. After several attempts to make my eyes focus, I read the typed words and almost vomited.
Stay away from the bartender, or I’ll eliminate him.
I wished I could have laughed it off, to tell this psychopath he wasn’t the fucking mafia or some shit, to go about my night the way I planned to, but I couldn’t do any of that. From experience, I knew he thought he could do whatever the hell he wanted, and everyone else would fall in line.
Those words were not idle threats. I knew what Paul was capable of had seen what he would do with my own eyes. I had a cat named Alex while I lived in a small town in Texas. I had been there for about five months when a matted, orange kitten showed up at the little house I was renting.
She looked so pitiful and sad that I had to take her in. She became my best friend who didn’t ask questions nor demanded all my secrets. She was simply there for me. We developed a bond I did not share with another living soul.
I talked to her like the crazy cat lady you hear whispered about, but I understood what could lead to becoming a crazy cat lady. Spilling my guts to her was therapeutic in a way, and I could almost say she was my emotional support animal, but it did not go that far.
Arriving home from work one day, I found her spread out on my front porch. She had been cut open from neck to tail and laid flat on the wood with her insides tumbling out. It was gory and horrific to find her like that. My only friend in the world was gone.
I knew Paul had done it. He even left a type-written note, basically telling me I could not have any friends. That was only one instance of the insanity that was Paul. Every time he found me, I wondered why he did not approach me.
It was always games, taunts, and threats. Never face-to-face confrontation. That didn’t mean I wanted ever to see him again, and I was scared for a damn good reason. If he could do what he did to a defenseless cat, I did not want even to imagine what he could do to me.
After reading the note, I should have walked my ass back inside and given it to Jaxson. With him already knowing the entire story, he would understand where the letter came from and who it came from. Sharing a portion of the things Paul had put me through, Jaxson would take me and my concern seriously, escort me home, and make me safe again.
But I did not do that. Following Paul’s orders, I hauled ass home by myself. Paul managed to evoke so many strong emotions in me. Sorting through them was frustrating, exhausting, and unfair.
I had to leave. I had to get home to my safe zone. Everything was closing in on me. There was no choice between flight or fight. It was flight every time, and I hated it. I wanted to be the girl who stood and fought, but that obviously was not me.
Wasting no time, I made it home right before the heavy rain started falling and made it inside only slightly damp. Not that it mattered. Coldness seeped deep in my bones, and I didn’t know if I was ever going to get warm again.
Going straight to the shower as soon as I entered my townhome, I let my emotions get the better of me and tried to cry the fear and anger out of me. The days Jaxson and I had together were damn near perfect, and I ran like an idiot.
Fear.
Fear was the most prevalent emotion that I could not ignore. I read something one time that stated fear could keep you safe. The truth of that statement struck a chord with me. Each time something showed up where I had even one inkling it was from Paul, I moved on to another city.
Now, did this actually keep me safe? Did he know each time I moved? Was he toying with me? Was he lying in wait somewhere close? Not knowing the answers to those questions drove me to the point of insanity, but I focused on movement.
As long as I felt like I was actively doing something to ensure my safety and had some peace of mind, I was fine. I was making authentic connections which never happened before Jaxson, before Bailey, before Left Turners.
Fear was also a trick to losing weight. I could attest to that. The adrenaline of being afraid kicked the metabolism into high gear, and calories burned off. I used to have a little more meat on my thighs, my boobs were a cup bigger, and my butt had its own pant size. Now, I was three pant sizes down and had to get refitted for a proper bra.
Before I landed in this city, I was on the verge of being sickly looking and not just really skinny. Finding Heavy Bags was a blessing. I was able to build muscle tone while learning how to protect myself. That led to another layer of safety.
Knowing I could fight back enough to get away from an attacker was a confidence boost, which meant absolutely nothing when I ran before any real threat happened. I ran because of a fucking note.
Instead of sharing the note with Jaxson, I bolted like the enemy was closing in. By giving him every detail of how I had been living, I gave him a choice: stay or go. Through words and actions, he chose to stay.
I should have given him the option of what to do by showing him what was left on my car, sharing my worries and fears with him, and letting him comfort and assure me, to simply be there for me and beside me.
But I didn’t. Jaxson was going to be pissed, maybe even hurt by my actions. I was not sure I would be able to fix this. I fucked up. Nothing to do now except ride it out, see what he did- if he did anything. He might very well decide I was not worth all the trouble.
Dressing for comfort, I pulled on some leggings with a large sweater that slipped down one shoulder. Leaving my hair to dry naturally, I grabbed my favorite afghan and made my way outside.
With a sigh of contentment, I sat on my small back patio, snuggled in, and listened to the rain hitting the awning roof. I loved that sound. Peace and tranquility surrounded me, and I soaked it in. Times had been harsh and eye-opening recently, and I was happy to take a moment of quiet to just be.
It was raining a lot lately, which wasn’t surprising considering south Louisiana’s weather was what it was. I never knew what each day would bring, but I liked the rain. Water coming down in sheets made me feel like I was the only one in the world. It symbolized no worries, fears, disappointments, or obligations.
When I moved into this townhome, I didn’t fully take it in at first. I desperately needed a place to live, and it fit the bill. It was a small one-bedroom, one-bath in a decent neighborhood. I discovered the balcony off the bedroom a few days after I signed the lease. It was so cool, I went out and bought a chair, a small table, and a plant to put out there.
Having my set up reminded me of better times. A time when my mom made sure any outside area we had was made to feel homey. We would curl up together on an outdoor lounger and talk about our days and whatever else came to mind.
With my feet tucked under me and a nice hot cup of coffee in my hands, I allowed my mind to wander as the rain soothed me. Blankness was what I craved, to have no thoughts at all as I sat cocooned in my corner of the storm.
Of course, in times like these, unfiltered thoughts invaded my subconscious, and I couldn’t control the shiver rolling down my spine as they stopped on Jaxson. I could still feel his hands on my skin like a phantom touch, searing a trail along my body.
Completely absorbed in my head and not focused on my surroundings, I emitted a startled scream when an arm curled around the balcony’s railing. Almost flipping myself out of my chair, I scrambled to my feet and backed into my bedroom. Before I could get the French doors closed, a body was there blocking it.
“What are you doing here?” I stammered, stunned stupid that Jaxson was in my flipping bedroom.
/> Chapter Sixteen
Jaxson
Getting soaked to the bone, I was momentarily motionless. Evyn looked sad but content sitting up there with only the light shining behind her from her bedroom. She seemed ethereal, like a real-life angel. There was a certain beauty in sadness, but I didn’t like that look on her, no matter how gorgeous she was.
Running on adrenaline that was fueled by fear, anger, and relief, I did not remember climbing up to her railing, but I was standing in her space, watching her back away into her room as she demanded to know why I was there.
I was so fucking selfish, but I couldn’t take it back when it came to her. I didn’t even stop to think about the fact I would scare the hell out of her by barging my way in, but it was done now. I had to get control of myself.
Glancing around her bedroom, I took the time to lock down my emotions. Scaring her was the last thing I wanted to do, and I was doing a spectacular job of not doing that. She was hunched over herself in the farthest corner in the room from me for fuck’s sake.
Looking at anything but her, I felt like the biggest asshole out there. Giving herself time to accept I was there as much as giving myself a second to calm down. When she wouldn’t answer the front door after banging on it for who knows how long, I might or might not have freaked out.
Climbing the lattice on the side of the building up to her balcony was not on my agenda for the evening, but there I was before I even knew it. Keeping in pretty good shape, no injuries or strains occurred, which I was grateful for. I didn’t want to look like more of an idiot than I did then.
Inhaling a deep breath and letting it out slowly, I brought my gaze back to her, relieved to see she was not cowering away from me any longer. She had that defiant look on her face I loved so damn much. The expression said not to test her, and all I wanted to do was test her.
Almost smiling, I answered her demand, “I’m here for you.”
Blinking slowly while her mouth parted wordlessly, it seemed I had her at a loss. Taking advantage of her shocked state, I moved closer until I was within touching distance, far enough not to crowd her but close enough for her to feel my presence.
“Why did you leave without saying anything?” I asked in the gentlest voice I could manage.
Not demanding answers took more control than I thought I had in me, but I held back. Talking things through the night before had her raw and vulnerable. Respecting the position she was in made me aware of each word I said and action I made.
“Back off,” she snapped. “I can’t deal with this shit!”
Even now, she was ready to bolt. Something had set her off, and I would find out what the hell it was. Thinking of the night before and that evening at work, I thought I made my position very clear, but apparently, I did not.
“Evyn,” I said in warning.
Warning for what I could not for sure say. Warning to her for the truth. Warning her not to test me. Warning myself to keep my anger down to a simmer. Realizing the cause of the warning was not the issue, but it was necessary.
Wrapping her arms around her waist, she appeared on the verge of a break. Whether a breakdown or a breakthrough, I was not sure. Waiting her out and keeping my lips locked was downright painful and took supreme effort. I managed the feat for the simple fact she had to be the one to push through the walls.
Taking on the protector role for Evyn meant I was responsible for knocking down her walls. Seeing the conflicting and out-of-control emotions passing over her face and through her eyes, I understood she had to be the one to demolish anything blocking her way.
As her eyes bounced all around the room, avoiding mine at all cost, none of that meant I could not be the one to give her the push she needed. And I would. I would not leave her alone until she was wide the fuck open to living this life with me.
“You just fucking disappeared without anyone seeing you leave. I don’t know what happened to make you take off that way, but I will not allow you to push me away. You will tell me what had you running.” My voice was harsh and demanding.
For the first time since barging into her bedroom, her gaze locked on me. As her eyes ran the length of my body until she focused on my, no doubt, intense stare, her cheeks flushed as her lips parted to allow more air in.
Then her lips opened and closed like she had something to say, but the words escaped her. I liked seeing her flustered. I enjoyed throwing her off balance where not everything could be pushed into a neat little box.
I’d be damned if I disappeared into the back recesses of her mind, only to be pulled up when loneliness crept in. She was ready to leave Houma in her rearview. It was written all over her. She told me herself how easy it was for her to pick up and leave any city at any time.
I was too damn selfish to allow her to leave me behind. We became a couple like a minute ago. However, I was all fucking in. I would never settle for whatever was on tap again. I had a specialty right in my grasp, and I refused to let go.
While she was trying to find the words she was missing, I asked, “Why did you leave without telling anyone?”
Grateful I was able to gentle my tone, I took in the way her posture slumped slightly. Relief or defeat, I did not know, but we may get somewhere.
“My shift was over,” she stammered.
Lame as fuck.
And she fucking knew it. Eyes defiant, chin tilted up, fists resting on her hips, she dared me to call her out on it. You could bet your ass I called bullshit on her.
“Don’t do that,” I scoffed. “Don’t give me some bullshit line. Tell me the truth. What made you run?”
“I didn’t run,” she denied, sticking to her story, but I heard the waver in her voice.
“Damnit, Evyn,” I snapped. “Stop. Just stop. The only way to make this work is by owning up to whatever the hell is going on in your head. If you are thinking it, it’s important. I need to know so we can work through it.”
Silent tears fell down her face, and all I wanted to do was gather her in my arms and comfort her. But I was held back, needing the facts of the situation. The only way we would be able to move forward is to talk shit out, always.
I wanted her. No, that wasn’t accurate. I fucking needed her. She was air to me, and I tried to breathe her in every chance I had. Being able to read her better than most, through the tears and sniffles, I saw the flash of fear.
Something happened between the time I walked out of the storage closet until I stood in the parking lot to discover Evyn had already left. She went to her car alone. Did someone approach her? What the hell happened?
“Please, Evyn,” I begged, eyes imploring her to give me something, to share with me, to come to me. “Did something happen?”
“Yes,” she answered in such a low voice that I would have missed it if I hadn’t been watching her lips.
“What?” I all but snarled.
She backed up against the wall, retreating from me, and I fucking hated it.
“Look at me,” I told her.
Waiting until I held her eyes, I gave her every feeling I had inside of me. The anger, the relief, the worry, the love or care, everything flowing through me was hers to have, to own. I would not shy away from that.
“I have always been upfront and honest with you. You know the way I grew up, the things I’ve had to do to survive. I never shied away from it. I am asking you to give me the same courtesy. What happened tonight?” I asked again.
Early on, my parents decided they did not want to be parents, and I was handed over to the state. I had asthma as a child, and no one wanted to adopt a sickly baby. Some of the homes I was placed in, the foster parents were nice and cordial, but I never felt loved by anyone.
Time passed as I grew older and still no prospective adoptive parents. I was placed in foster care. Once they realized the time and money that went into an unhealthy kid, I was sent back where I was
bounced around from place to place. It got old quickly.
Trusting the right people was the hardest thing I ever had to learn, but I did it. First glance at Evyn, I knew she would understand who I was on the surface and under if she chose to go there. Her curiosity got the better of her on several occasions, and I answered as honestly as possible.
The debate going on behind her eyes was tearing me up inside, but I let it be. She wanted to be with me. She wanted to keep me around. I would even go as far as saying she wanted me by her side to take this stalker situation on.
Fear was embedded in her whole demeanor, fear of the unknown, fear of the possibilities, even fear of normalcy. I’d known many worries in my lifetime, but I also saw beauty and what could blossom from that.
“There was a note on my car,” she whispered, grabbing a sheet of paper off the stand next to her bed.
Handing it to me, I searched her eyes before looking down. What I saw there had me seeing red. Who was this motherfucker to harass and threaten her like this? I needed all the information I could gather on this asshole and shut him down.
Still, having contacts in the world I came from would help move that process along. Since there was nothing I could do at that precise second, reassuring Evyn I would protect her and help in any way possible was the priority.
“I’m not letting you go,” I stated sternly, determinedly. “There is no way in hell we are listening to some pussy assed little bitch who leaves notes to scare women. You are mine, Evyn. Do you understand that?”
As her mind processed my words, her eyes sought the truth from me. Like I said, I was an open book to her. She would hear the sincerity in my voice, along with possession. She would see the intensity and unyielding determination in my gaze.
Her first step forward was hesitant, but the ones after were confident and sure. Running across the room, she launched herself at me, wrapping all her limbs around me. Closing my arms around her, I let out the breath I was unaware of holding.
Whatever's On Tap Page 10