by TT Kove
That might be harsh, considering his past, but I needed to get it through to him.
‘No, of course not.’ He finally dropped his arms to his lap. His face was all red and blotchy and wet with tears, but his eyes seemed greener than ever with new tears welling up in them. ‘I would never do that. To anyone.’
I wiped more tears away with my thumbs and stared directly into his eyes.
‘Stop comparing us to everyone else. We’re not them, and they’re not us. They’ve got their way of being, and we’ve got ours. We don’t need to be all over each other, or have to jump into bed at every opportunity. There’s so much more to life than that.
‘I enjoy being with you and sharing a bed with you. Waking up with you in the morning. All of that is because I like you, Josh. Because I like you a lot. I like you more than a lot. And you’re the only one, because I couldn’t ever do this with anyone else. It feels natural with you, like we’ve got this connection. I know we do. And I guess that’s our thing. We can be together despite not being all over each other. Despite not having sex. Because that’s not what it’s about. Not for me, anyway, and not for you either.’
His eyes flickered between mine, but the tears had subsided a bit.
‘Sex has been a bad thing for you for so many years. Doesn’t matter if you liked it or not, because the body does respond to things that are good. But the actions itself… they’re bad. I think we’re perfect because you need something that isn’t sex in your life… and I don’t want sex in mine at all. So I can give that something to you.’
He was silent, but he kept on staring at me, breathing heavily.
‘You understand what I’m saying?’ I desperately wanted him to understand.
I didn’t want to keep going in circles, having the same conversations over and over. Sex just wasn’t on the table—and he needed to understand why, both for his own sake and for mine.
He nodded jerkily. I wasn’t sure I believed it though.
‘What about kissing?’
‘What about it?’
His lower lip trembled, as if he were close to tears again.
‘That’s part of an intimate relationship. Don’t you like that either?’
‘Kissing’s… fine.’ I didn’t have any other words for it.
‘But I’m always the one who kisses you. You never kiss me. And when I do kiss you, it’s always chaste. Not any kind of passion to it.’
I was back to chewing my lower lip.
‘You’re the only person I’ve ever kissed too. You’re my first everything. I’m new to it. I don’t know how things like this work.’
He sniffled.
‘They work both ways. If you want to kiss me, you can kiss me. I want to kiss you all the time, but I never know if you want to or not, so I just…’ He shrugged helplessly. ‘Often I just leave it be.’
‘I didn’t know kissing was this important to you.’ I’d thought just being together, being around each other, had been enough.
Clearly, I’d been wrong.
‘Kissing’s the one thing that I haven’t done tons of. Andrew—it wasn’t about love and intimacy with him. He either wanted to fuck me or he wanted to hurt me. Often both at the same time. And all the other blokes I’ve been with… they’ve been all about shagging me. My mouth’s no good unless it’s wrapped around their cocks.’
I flinched a bit at his crude words—and the images they procured. I didn’t like the thought of Josh being used and abused by his stepfather any more than I did the thought of him being with someone else.
I’d done extensive research on borderline.
Sentences came back to me now as I crouched in front of him, looking up into his cried out, lovely face.
‘A borderline has a great need for genuine affection. They need to feel loved. They need regular reinforcement in the form of tenderly expressed physical affection and a genuine interest in and respect of their persona.’
And another sentence that scared me.
‘Borderliners do very badly with people who are unable to regularly express affection.’
I didn’t know how to express affection. I’d never done it before. I was on shaky ground, and I was failing and learning from it.
I went over to the counter to get a few napkins from the dispenser.
‘Here, clean yourself up a bit.’ I held them out to Josh.
He took them gingerly, wiped over his face and dabbed at his eyes, then blew his nose. He got up himself to throw it in the rubbish, even though I’d been standing ready to do it for him.
I turned and blocked his direct path back to the chair.
‘Josh.’ I stared at him, at how his eyes were sore and his face was all puffed and red. He might be cried out, but that didn’t make him any less good-looking to me.
I put my hands on his shoulders and slowly drew him in close to me. He stepped in willingly, leaning against me. I wrapped my arms around him, holding him tight.
‘I know some would say it’s real fast, but I’m falling in love with you,’ he mumbled against my shoulder. ‘I really am.’
‘Me too,’ I muttered. ‘You, I mean.’ I wasn’t good with words, and all the words I’d told him earlier had left me drained. Besides, I’d never been able to say the word love out loud, not even to the family I had left.
‘This is going to continue, you know,’ he said, voice still a mumble. ‘I’m going to doubt you and us. I am aware of just how abnormal I am, but I can’t do anything about it.’
‘It won’t have to continue if I can do better at showing you how I feel.’ I tangled my hand in the hair on his neck, twining the blond strands in-between my fingers. ‘This is new to me. I’m going to mess it up, I know I am. But I do like you and I am going to do my best to show it to you every day. I promise you that, Josh.’
His arms, which had been hanging loosely at his side, now came up to grip the back of my shirt tightly. He clung to me, not saying a single word, but he didn’t have to. I understood.
He was messed up. He even had a disorder to prove it.
I had no such thing, but I was messed up too. I should tell him about it—but I couldn’t get the words out. It was too hard. I could hardly talk to my therapist about it, and she already knew it all.
I pushed him an arms-length away from me eventually. Not so much we had to separate, but just enough that I could look into his eyes, could see his lips parted slightly.
He liked kissing, and I’d discovered that so did I. I couldn’t give him sex. I didn’t want to give him sex. But I could give him this. So, I leant in, uncertain and awkward, because I had never initiated a kiss between us before. I heard him draw in a breath—and then our lips fused together.
He clung tighter to me and I cupped my hands around his neck, thumbs brushing his jaw.
I might’ve initiated the kiss, but he was in charge of it. Lips on lips I was cool with, but when he tried to take it further, I was on shaky ground again. I parted my lips though, welcomed his tongue, and just let him lead, let him show me what to do next.
And the best thing of all was it was good. It was good to kiss him like this, to be so close and intimate with him.
This time last month I never would’ve expected to be in this position. Now that I was, I couldn’t imagine going back to how it had been before.
Once we drew back, it took a few seconds for Josh’s eyes to flutter back open. They were still shiny from tears, but they’d stopped falling, and a small, shy smile spread over his lips.
‘No one’s ever kissed me like that before,’ he whispered.
I leant in for another quick, chaste kiss, simply because I couldn’t help myself.
‘Want to wait here while I go change and turn everything off?’
Josh nodded and sat back down on the chair.
I stuffed my apron and shirt in my locker, put on my jumper and jacket, then turned off all lights on my way back out to him.
He rose when I turned off the last light switch and we walked
outside together.
I locked up, pocketed the keys, and turned to him.
The incident from earlier replayed in my mind all of a sudden.
‘Hey, does your mum know my boss?’
‘What? No. I don’t think so.’ Josh looked at me. ‘Why?’
‘Oh, nothing.’ I shook my head. It was perfectly logical that they knew each other without Josh knowing it. I had no idea who my uncle and aunt’s friends were, after all.
Josh smiled at me as he shyly reached for my hand.
I wasn’t sure how to feel about holding hands with someone out in public, but it was late and dark and no one was around.
So I tangled my fingers with his as we started walking home.
11
One Month Anniversary
Josh
College’s starting up soon. Damian’s starting med-school. Things will change, I know they will. I will have lots to do, and so will he. He’ll probably have more, because medical school is so full on.
I think I’m already in love with him. I can’t imagine being without him for even a second.
He still hasn’t told me anything about himself, which does bother me, but he never shies away from me, and that again pleases me. He’s very attentive.
We just fell into this, whatever it is. I don’t know if we’re boyfriends yet or not. I haven’t dared asked, because I’m afraid of the answer.
I should ask. I know I should.
But it’s scary.
What if he says no?
I walked over to the sinks so I could stare at myself in the mirror. I was pale and drawn.
Being back at college was terrifying. More so that it was a new school I’d started in, since I’d decided not to go back to the one I’d failed in. I hadn’t had any friends there, but it would’ve felt weird being in the same year as the people who’d taken their first when I’d failed my second.
Still, being in a new college didn’t feel any better. I didn’t know anyone here either, but it didn’t make me any more confident about the first day.
A sob echoed through the toilets and I froze.
I turned my head slowly, eyes darting over the open stalls. The door of the last one was closed, and another sob could be heard from behind it.
I wasn’t sure if I should leave or not.
Before I could make a decision, I heard the door being unlocked, and then a small body dressed in clothes that were at least two sizes too big stepped out. He sniffled, tears drying on his cheeks. He was familiar.
‘Mal?’
He whirled around, cowering back against the wall. His arm came up, like he was either ready to defend himself or to try and block a hit to his face.
‘Mal, it’s me. Josh.’ I took a step closer to him.
Wild eyes met mine and recognition sparked. His arm dropped and he straightened up a bit more as he eyed me warily.
‘Hey.’ I hadn’t seen him since I’d last talked to him in group. He’d been hospitalised for the last couple of weeks. ‘I didn’t know you went to college here.’
I wouldn’t say Mal was relaxed, but he wasn’t as tightly coiled as he’d been before he’d recognised me either.
‘I didn’t know you did.’
‘I have to retake the last year, you know, and I decide to switch colleges. I didn’t want to continue at the old one.’ I’d talked about failing my last year in group, so he knew all about it.
He only nodded.
‘Do you want to have lunch with me?’ Just as he knew all about me, I also knew all about him. I remembered clearly all the times he’d relayed being bullied in group—and that the bullying took place at school.
‘Can we go outside?’ He was wary.
‘Sure.’ I shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t either, I didn’t mind going outside. But I knew the reason he wanted to, and it wasn’t because the weather was nice.
It wasn’t until school was over I witnessed just what Mal had to go through. A gang of lads had cornered him just outside the college. At first, I only heard them yelling. Then I saw Mal cowering against the wall, much in the same way he’d done in the toilets with me.
Mal tried to leave, to walk past them with his head down, but they shoved him back so hard the back of his head connected with the wall.
Mal crumbled to the ground, arms going up to protect his head.
The gang of lads laughed at him and shoved playfully at each other. Then they simply walked away.
The last of them gave Mal a proper kick to the gut.
‘Mal!’ I ran over to him.
‘G-go a-away!’ He pushed to his feet, inched around me like he was afraid to touch me, and then he ran away.
I turned to look after him, but I didn’t make a move to follow or call after him. I knew what it was like needing to get away.
I’d try talking to him again tomorrow. Either in school or in group.
Damian
‘Kian?’
He stood in front of our door, just staring at it.
He jerked around in surprise.
‘Oh, Damian, hey.’ He shuffled his feet.
I hoisted my shoulder bag further up on my shoulder. It was crammed full of books.
‘Nobody home?’ I cast a curious glance at the door.
‘I don’t know.’ Kian glanced at it too. ‘I haven’t knocked yet.’ He seemed out of sorts.
I brushed past him, giving him an odd look as I did so. It swung open with no resistance, not locked at all. I went inside, but Kian still stood outside.
‘You coming in?’ I eyed him curiously now.
He hesitated, but he slowly walked inside, allowing me to close the door. He looked around, looking for Silver.
I headed into my bedroom, leaving him there to deal with whatever it was.
Josh was sitting curled up on my bed, head bowed and looking dejected.
I stopped just inside the threshold.
‘Hi. You all right?’ I finally let my shoulder bag slide off my shoulder and thud to the floor.
Josh’s eyes were sad when he looked up at me and my chest squeezed.
‘I’m fine. I’m just—It’s Mal.’
‘Mal?’ I frowned. Who was Mal?
I went over to sit on the bed too.
‘He’s in my group. Today it turned out that we also go to the same college.’ Josh’s hands twisted in his lap. ‘He’s bullied. I saw it myself when the day was over. At lunch he was crying in the toilets. They’re real mean to him—and I know what he goes through at home and it’s not fair that college should be shit for him too.’
I didn’t know what to say, as per usual. I didn’t know this person and I didn’t know what Josh expected me to say. Maybe he didn’t want me to say anything at all. Maybe he just needed to talk about it.
‘Mal’s like me. Borderline, like I am.’ He shook his head. ‘I shouldn’t talk about this. I’m not really allowed to. Group rules and all that. But we’re in the same college now, in the same year. It’s just not fair.’
‘You could be his friend,’ I suggested, in lack of anything else. ‘Sounds like he needs one of those.’
‘Yeah. If he’ll let me.’ Josh’s hand fluttered out to his side to settle atop his journal.
I smiled to myself as I saw it. He wrote in it frequently and he kept it around like it was a treasure. For me it had only been a book too pretty to use for anything.
‘He’ll be lucky to have you as a friend.’
Josh’s eyes lit up at that.
‘You think so?’
‘I do.’ I leant in to kiss him. I’d got rather good at showing him affection, at least in private. We hadn’t had another bout of crying or a conversation about it, after all, so I was pretty sure I was doing okay. ‘How was your first day, aside from that bloke?’
He shrugged. ‘It was okay. I’ve been through it before. I did well at the beginning of last year before everything went to shit again. I reckon I’m properly ahead of most of them.’ He leant in for another ki
ss. ‘How was your day?’
‘Uneventful. It was all mostly information and such. I bought all my books though. Nearly broke my back bringing them home.’ I motioned to my discarded shoulder bag.
‘That’s a lot of books.’
‘That’s what I have to look forward to for years now.’ I lay down on the bed, on my stomach, resting my chin on the back of my hands.
‘You’ve never told me what kind of surgeon you want to be.’ Josh lay down next to me.
‘I’ve been thinking about Plastics. Like, reconstructive surgery and all that.’ I wanted to help people like him, people with scars. People like me.
‘I wish I knew what I wanted to do.’ Josh blew out a wistful breath.
‘You’ll figure it out.’
He leant in to rest his head against my shoulder.
‘If you want me to stay the night at home sometimes, you have to tell me.’
‘What?’ Where’d that come from?
‘I mean, it’s like I’m living here. I’m sleeping here every night, coming straight here after college or group or therapy or whatever I’m doing. I’ve not spent a night in my own bed in… I can’t even remember the last time I spent the night at home.’
‘I don’t mind you being here. Not at all. I like it.’ Surprisingly enough. But I’d had him around for a month now.
‘Can I call you my boyfriend?’ The question came out all hesitant.
I frowned down at the sheets.
‘I guess.’
‘We are in a relationship, aren’t we? I’m not doing anything with anyone else. It’s only you. Don’t you feel the same way?’
‘I do.’ Of course I did. ‘Yeah. Yeah, I guess we’re boyfriends. I’ve just never thought about labelling it.’
‘You don’t like to label yourself?’
I shrugged. It was a bit awkward, considering he still had his head resting on my shoulder.
‘I don’t know. I guess. Silver keeps calling me asexual. I’ve always gone with it, because I reckon it’s true. He also mentioned you being my boyfriend once, but that was when we’d just met, so I guess we weren’t back then.’