by TT Kove
‘That must be nice.’ I wish I could have a nightmare without waking up like I just had. Without the need to hurt myself, or kill myself, or cut myself. ‘I wish I didn’t have to remember.’
He hugged me tight, but he didn’t say anything. He never did when there was nothing to say. Because there wasn’t anything that could be done.
I would never forget. I would always struggle with what had been done to me for those ten years. I’d been abused for seven years longer than I’d been free of it. The first five years I couldn’t even remember.
‘Stop thinking.’ Damian pushed me away from him, and then he rolled onto his side so we were facing each other. I couldn’t see him properly in the darkened room, but I could see his shadows. We were almost nose to nose.
‘Sometimes I think I wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for you,’ I admitted in a low voice. ‘If I’d just had Mum… I don’t think I could’ve been strong enough. But I’ve got you and you’re all mine, and I don’t want to lose that.’
‘You won’t.’ He stroked my cheek. ‘You won’t lose me. I promise.’
‘Even if I run away again? Even if I’m hospitalised indefinitely? Even if I never get better?’
‘Even then.’
My chest squeezed with an immense feeling of love towards him. ‘What made you fall for me?’
He hesitated only briefly.
‘I honestly don’t know. There was a connection. You remember I told you about how Silver referred to us as scarred souls? Might be that. We don’t share the same experiences, but we’re both scarred, both on the inside and the outside, and maybe I just immediately felt that pull towards you that told me we were alike. That we could be good. Great, even.’
‘I think you’re great. Me, not so much.’ I curled one hand under my pillow. The other one rested on the small space in-between our bodies.
‘I think you are.’ He flicked a piece of fringe away from my forehead and leant in to kiss it. ‘I know we’re not passionate, but I like what we have. It’s relaxing, it’s a good feeling to know I’ve got someone who cares for me just as deeply as I care for them.’
He hadn’t said the L-word back to me, back in Bristol. It had bothered me, it still did, but this soothed that hurt. I’d said I loved him, and if he felt as deeply for me as I did for him… then he had to love me back.
‘You mentioned once that you’d been in therapy too. I’ve never heard about you going to a session though.’
‘I usually don’t have to, but I did set up an appointment for the end of the week. I don’t deal well at this time of year. It’s all so close, you know? Ray and Claire always want to visit the graves and I just… I don’t deal with it well.’
He dealt better than me. But I reckoned that didn’t mean much. Everyone dealt with their issues better than I did. It wasn’t exactly a great feat to accomplish.
‘I’m so sorry for what happened to you.’ It was a horrible thing for anyone to experience.
‘I’m so sorry for what happened to you. You have a harder time dealing with your past than I have. You’re not doing okay. I nearly had a heart attack when I heard you scream. Silver and Kian came barging in here too. It was…’ He searched for the word, but he didn’t find it.
‘I’m terrified of him,’ I whispered. ‘The times he was gentle, it was bearable. My body liked it. But mostly he wasn’t. He liked seeing me in pain. And I’m just terrified.’ I couldn’t even describe what it’d been like for all those years. ‘When I tried to kill myself, I really tried. I wanted to die.
‘When I woke up in hospital I was gutted. I thought I would be going right back to what I’d tried to escape. Mum was there. I broke down on her. I told her everything. I still remember the look on her face. She’d been worried before I opened my mouth and I remember wondering why she was, because she’d never bothered with me. Then when I told her… she was raging. She didn’t question me. She believed me instantly. And she called the police. They arrested him right there, in the hospital. I remember them escorting him out of my room. I remember meeting his eyes… they promised me that if he ever got his hands on me again, I would regret ever opening my mouth.’
Damian’s arm slid over my waist. It felt good having it there, all warm and safe.
‘He won’t get his hands on you again. He’s in prison.’
‘But he’ll get out.’
‘You’ll be a grown man by then. Of no interest to him.’
‘He’s got years to plan his revenge. It’s my fault he’s in prison. Trust me, I’m going to be of a lot of interest to him.’ I trembled by the simple thought of it.
‘He’s not going to get near you. Everyone’ll make sure of that.’ His arm tightened around me, drawing me in closer to him. ‘He went to prison once for hurting you. He’s not going to risk it again, for sure.’
I wasn’t so sure.
Surely, in his mind, I’d ruined his life.
But I didn’t want to think about it anymore.
‘Remember you asked me if my mum knew your boss?’
He looked at me, recognising the change in subject for what it was.
‘Yeah.’
‘Turns out they do know each more. More than that, in fact.’
‘What’d you mean?’
‘They’re together. Mum told me when we were in Bristol. She was going to tell me Friday, but well… the way she found me, I wasn’t fit for a talk. So she told me the day after, when we went out to eat, just the two of us.’ I buried my face against his neck. ‘My mum’s a lesbian.’
He chuckled.
‘I’m pretty sure she’s not. She was married to a bloke, after all.’
It hadn’t been much of a marriage. She’d never been home. He’d been busy with me.
‘And she did get me with someone.’
‘Do you know your father?’
I shook my head.
‘It was a drunken one-off. She can’t even remember what he looked like.’
‘How can people sleep with someone and not remember them the day after?’
It was my turn to chuckle.
‘Because most people are a lot more easy-going when it comes to sex than you are.’ I threw my own arm around him. ‘I’ve been with blokes I couldn’t remember before. It’s all part of heavy drinking. You let loose, you pull, then you sober up and can’t remember shit. Everyone’s got at least one of those. Everyone who likes to party and have sex, anyway.’
He was silent for a moment, thinking.
‘Do you miss it?’
‘What?’
‘Sex.’
‘Uh. Actually, no. Not really.’
‘You sure about that?’
‘Sex is good when it’s done right.’ I couldn’t say it wasn’t because that would be a lie. ‘But all my life’s been about it, and like you’ve said to me, this is nice. Being close to someone without that, it’s actually quite relaxing. I’m enjoying it. I don’t need sex. Especially now I know you don’t want it with anyone, that it’s not just with me you’re against it.’
‘I’m not against sex. I just don’t want to have it myself. I’m fine with others having it, as long as I don’t get it shoved in my face.’
‘You never want to have sex?’ I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. It didn’t outright bother me, but at the same time, wasn’t sex important for intimacy?
‘Not really, no.’
‘But you still want to be with me? Like a proper relationship? You and me, exclusive?’
‘Yeah, of course.’
‘But without the sex?’
He nodded. It was awkward, with my head pressed against his neck, so his chin hit the top of my head.
‘If that’s something you can live with?’ he asked eventually, once it was clear I wasn’t going to say anything else.
‘I… I think it is. Yeah.’ As long as I had him, what more did I need?
‘Let me know if that changes.’ He whispered it against my hair. ‘If it does, we could try to work
something out. I guess.’
My turn to nod awkwardly.
‘I don’t foresee it anytime soon. This whole no sex situation is actually rather nice.’ He chuckled. ‘Though, I honestly can’t be held accountable for my body’s reactions. Morning wood’s quite common, I’m just saying.’
‘I think I’ll survive, that.’
Just like that, my nightmare was forgotten. How could I honestly keep thinking about that hell when I had this, here, right now?
I wouldn’t say the ten years had been worth it, but surviving my suicide attempt definitely was.
* * *
Today hasn’t been a good day. Today was the day.
Damian was quiet and far-away all day. I let him be. I didn’t want to try to get close to him, only to be pushed away again.
I understand him now, I do. But even if I do understand, I don’t want to test the theory out if he were to push me away again.
He went with his uncle and aunt to visits his family’s graves.
He didn’t ask me to accompany him. It hurt, of course it did, but I try my best not to let it get to me. This is his tragedy, not something I should take personally.
I’m trying my best to be there for him, all quiet and supportive, without getting too close to him.
I think he appreciates it.
I’m not sure if it’s the quiet and supportiveness he appreciates or the fact that I’m trying not to get close to him that does it. But anyway.
I’ll take the appreciation where I can.
* * *
Things have settled down again.
Before, I used to be a roller coaster of emotions every single day. But nowadays, I feel more evened out. I’m not saying I’m not feeling like a roller coaster anymore, because I am, it’s just slowed down.
A slow-motion roller coaster.
He spent the week of half-term with me. He didn’t even open a single book. It was just the two of us, together—and Silver and Kian, of course. Kian’s staying over almost as often as I am nowadays.
It’s nice. We’ve all got real close. They’re my real friends.
I love all three of them, I really do.
14
Cruel Reality
Josh
I asked Mal to go to the cinema with me.
Damian worked late and Mal looked worse than ever, so I figured why not. I’d tried since college started to make friends with him. I wasn’t sure I’d succeeded. He did sit with me at lunch, but that was it.
He did, however, say yes to go to the cinema with me.
‘You can pick the film,’ he said once we were there. ‘I don’t care what we watch.’
I picked an action-comedy. It was the one that looked most decent. We both got something to drink, and I got popcorn. Mal insisted he didn’t want anything else. I didn’t press.
I chuckled several times throughout the movie. At a couple of points I even had to laugh. But I noticed that Mal didn’t. Not even once.
It was dark out when we exited the cinema.
We headed the same way.
I wasn’t even sure where Mal lived, but I figured he knew where he was going. I searched for something to say as we walked along the pavement. Cars drove past us in quick succession both ways.
I jumped in surprise when a small, shaking hand slid into mine.
I looked at Mal quizzically, but he had his head bowed.
‘Please don’t hate me,’ he whispered.
‘Why would I hate you?’
‘I can’t do it anymore.’ Then his hand slipped from mine and he pushed me hard, right in the middle of my chest.
It all happened in slow motion.
Mal was smaller and slighter than me—yet he pushed me with quite a bit of force.
I stumbled backwards, lost my balance and crashed to the pavement, while Mal… Mal threw himself right out into the street.
Lights illumined him for a second, but the car was going too fast, and Mal stood his ground and there was a sound I couldn’t even describe when the front of the car connected with Mal’s body.
‘NO! MAL! NO!’
I pushed myself up onto my knees, saw a body crumple to the ground, heard the noises from all the cars that’d been forced to break abruptly, horns blaring from angry drivers.
And I screamed. I screamed and screamed and screamed.
I couldn’t stop—because Mal wasn’t moving. There was something dark around his head, I could see a few ruffled blond strands sticking out from the hood.
Blood.
Blood pooled around him.
‘No, no, no, NO!’ I bent down, over my knees, and tucked my head against them. And all the while I couldn’t stop screaming.
Damian
‘Closing at eleven is ridiculously late,’ Harriet said.
I wiped down the counter, nodding my agreement to it.
‘It’s winter now, it gets dark early. I’m thinking we could start closing maybe eight or nine? It’s not like we earn enough from nine to eleven that it makes a difference. Kind of more expensive, you know, with having to pay someone to be here for that long when there’s hardly any people.’
I nodded my agreement again.
She leant against the counter. She had a notebook in front of her and she scribbled something in it.
‘I think we should start new hours come Monday. It’s almost ten now and there’s no one here.’ She turned and motioned around the Café, just to emphasise her point.
But just as she finished talking, the doorbell rang, signalling customers.
Except it wasn’t. It was Angelina.
I turned back to wiping down the counter, figuring she was there for Harriet, like she tended to be nowadays.
‘Hey, you.’ Harriet went around the counter to greet her. ‘What a lovely surprise. I didn’t know we were seeing each other today.’
‘We’re not.’ Angelina’s voice was low, almost sad. It brought my attention to her. ‘I’m sorry, love, but I’m not here for you.’
Harriet frowned at the back of her head as Angelina turned to me.
My chest squeezed in fearful anticipation.
‘Just say it.’ I didn’t want her to hesitate, or come with a long story about what had happened. ‘Whatever it is, just say it.’
‘Josh is in the hospital. He’s been hospitalised.’
My breath hitched.
‘Is he all right?’ Obviously he wasn’t, else he wouldn’t have been hospitalised.
She shook her head sadly.
‘He is fine, physically. But his friend…’ She cleared her throat. ‘His friend just killed himself.’
‘Which friend?’ My voice shook. Josh didn’t have many friends, and those he had… they were my friends too. Kind of, anyway. He was closer to Spencer and Leslie than I’d ever been.
She pinched the bridge of his nose.
‘His name’s Mal. Was Mal, I suppose is the better term.’
Mal?
The troubled one from college—and from Josh’s group therapy.
‘What happened?’
‘He jumped in front of a car. He was dead before the EMTs arrived. Might even have died on impact.’
‘And Josh saw it all?’ I didn’t even know he hung out with Mal once school was over.
Angelina nodded. She bit her lip.
‘He wouldn’t stop screaming. They sedated him, then hospitalised him.’ She sighed. ‘He’s been doing so well lately. I’m afraid this is going to put him back on square one again.’
‘How long’s he going to be in the hospital?’ I wanted to see him. I needed to see him.
‘For now, only for the night. But he’s sedated now, he’s sleeping. A psychiatrist will be to see him tomorrow, and then he or she will deem him fit, or not, to be discharged.’
‘And if not?’
‘Then he’ll be sectioned.’
Silence fell between us. She had no more to say, and I didn’t know what to say.
Harriet glanced between us.
&
nbsp; ‘All right, we’re closing up.’
‘You don’t have to.’ Angelina turned back to her. ‘We can’t see him tonight anyway.’
‘We still can’t work now.’ Harriet strode over to lock the door. ‘I wouldn’t expect Damian to work after what you’ve just told him. And I can’t work and be here for you at the same time.’
I went to change and get my shoulder bag while Harriet turned everything off.
‘I’ll fix everything tomorrow morning,’ she told me when I eyed everything that was part of the closing routine. ‘Don’t think about it.’
‘Do you want to come with us?’ Angelina’s eyes rested on me.
I shook my head.
‘No, I’ll—I’m just going to go home.’
I walked home in a stupor.
Josh wouldn’t be coming home tonight. He was in hospital, drugged. Drugged because something had happened he hadn’t been able to deal with.
Angelina had said he wouldn’t stop screaming. If it had been anything like that night after we’d got back from Bristol… He’d scared me that night, waking up screaming like he had.
But I’d been there then, and I’d managed to soothe him. He’d been in a good mood once we fell back asleep.
I hated that I hadn’t been there for him now. That he’d been all alone while his friend, or someone he’d tried very hard to make his friend, had voluntarily jumped in front of a car.
‘You’re home early, mate.’ Silver was on the sofa when I got home, and Kian sat straddling his lap. Silver had his hands under Kian’s tight shirt, while Kian’s were buried down Silver’s jeans.
Normally I would’ve looked away the minute I spotted the compromising position, but now I couldn’t. It wasn’t them I was seeing anyway, not really. What did it matter that they were fondling each other on the sofa now, anyway?
‘Hey.’ Silver slowly pulled his hands back so Kian’s shirt fell down to cover his smooth, pale skin.
Kian extracted his own hands from Silver’s jeans, and even buttoned them up before he looked at me.