by Nicole Banks
She crossed her arms over her chest and smiled. “Is it the same way you look at Kristal?”
Why did I think talking to Jasmine was a good idea? Bright side? If she was coming back with these remarks, it meant she still had some fight left in her. I got up and made my way towards her. She didn’t budge; she didn’t look terrified, she looked like her defiant self. Angel was going to need all the help and prayer in the world if he were ever to get his head out of his ass and pursue Jasmine. She was definitely a force. I stopped right in front of her, placing both my hands on either side of her, boxing her in and towering over her. Even though she was tall, I still had a good five inches on her and I made sure to use my stature to my advantage. “So tell me Jasmine, how exactly do I look at Kristal?”
She jutted her chin out, “You don’t scare me Chase. So stop trying to use your height to intimidate me.”
“How about you just answer the question?” She cast her eyes down. She let a few seconds pass before saying anything. She looked me straight in the eye, “You look at her with more than just lust in your eyes. It’s more than just a sexual attraction for you; Kristal is your existence. She is your last meal that you can’t wait to devour, yet you slowly savior every single nuance. She’s in your system; your blood comes alive just at the mere sight of her. You live and breathe Kris. I know you love her Chase. I also know Angel’s only been back a couple of weeks and he doesn’t look at me the way you look at Kristal. He isn’t in love with me.”
* * *
I must have hit the nail on the head because Chase just backed off completely and went to sit back down. He didn’t speak; he just stared at me, watching me.
Well this was entertaining, I knew there was no reason I should have stayed. “I guess that’s it?”
“Not even in the slightest.”
“What else could you possibly say?”
He smirked, then chuckled “One, you are far more observant than I gave you credit for. Two, what makes you so certain he’s not in love with you? He came back for you, you know.”
I rolled my eyes. Chase was a very intelligent person. But right now, he was just being plain stupid now. This was Angel’s only home. Where else was he going to go now that his tour was over? He didn’t have a place of his own, not yet anyway. He came back because this was home, not because of me. “Chase, he didn’t come back for me. Besides, if he was in love with me like you claim, then why am I talking to you and not him? He just left me remember?”
“He left because he thinks pursuing you is going to hurt you. He thinks he’s being noble. But you want him; why aren’t you going after him?”
“Because he left me, have you not been listening? He can’t handle my past he doesn’t want to deal with me.”
He rose to his feet and walked towards me. I should have moved from the door. I did not like being backed into a corner, no matter the circumstances. I made a move to slide past him and he caught my wrist, holding me in place.
“Understand something Jasmine; I’ve seen the way Angel looks at you since he’s been home. There is nothing but yearning in his eyes for you. He won’t admit it, but I know you are the reason he kept himself sane when he was out there. There is no one for him but you. He’s too stupid and noble to fight for you because he doesn’t want to hurt you anymore than you’ve already been hurt. He‘s not the one who can‘t handle your past. You‘re the one still struggling with it”
“Let me go Chase.” I didn’t want to hear this. If Angel wanted me, why didn’t he fight for me? Why didn’t he stay? Why did he just leave? Why wasn’t he here telling me how he felt? I accepted what happened to me. Even though Angel didn’t know exactly, he still had an idea of what happened and he still left.
“How about you stop fighting everyone, including yourself Jasmine? You want to fight for something? Fight for Angel and yourself to be something. Fight the past that has you in a damn chokehold. Your brother would be so disappointed in you right now and you know it. He would be pissed off seeing how the past is controlling you. He died and you’re here not using the gift of life to fucking live.”
That was it. You can talk to me and bitch to me about everything and anything, but the second you mention my brother’s name, it’s over. I ripped my hand out of Chase’s grip and I swung, aiming for his jaw. Maybe if I broke it, he would just shut the fuck up already. He blocked my hit and pushed me. I banged my head up against the door. I just stared at him, a little in shock. He was actually going to fight me back?
“I’m not Angel or the people you spar with. You’ve been running around like a spoiled brat. If I have to, I will put you on your ass Jasmine, without even thinking twice about it.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“You want to try me? Angel may enjoy getting his jaw bashed in, but I don’t.
Chase
Man I wish Jay was still alive to deal with his damn sister. How the hell did I get myself involved with this crap? Stupid, stupid promises that I swore to keep. I knew Angel promised Jay to always look after her, but somehow I got wrapped up in that promise too. And, because of what happened to Jasmine, I really didn’t keep my promise to protect her and look out for her. I wasn’t there to stop her from getting hurt, but I would stop her from hurting herself now. She deserved to be happy and sitting in the past wasn’t going to do anything but destroy her. She needed to pick up the pieces and heal already.
She still had this shocked look on her face, as if she expected me to just sit there and let her hit me. She was watching me though, contemplating attacking me, looking for my key openings. I had to give her credit; she took to the sport of mixed martial arts amazingly well. Jas was an amazing fighter. She was no wallflower. I just wish she used that damn strength and energy in overcoming her damn past and moving on with her life. “Look Jasmine I really don’t want to have to discipline you like a child, just go talk to Angel. Tell him what happened. He will understand more than you know. If you want him, you have to fight for him.”
“You talk too damn much Chase,” and she charged me, fists swinging. I blocked the first couple of blows but her legs were another matter. She kicked me in my right shin and thigh. Smart girl, remembered the injury I had back in high school when I played football. Jas was definitely trying to do some type of damage. She stopped throwing punches and just concentrated on her legwork. If I caught her one damn time, I would be able to knock her down. She swung her right leg up for a roundhouse kick. I side stepped and then stepped right into her. I grabbed her left leg pulling it off balance, forcing her to fall back. The second she hit the floor, I was on top of her. I used my weight to pin her legs, and then pin her arms to her side. Panic flashed in her eyes she started thrashing and screaming. “JASMINE ASHLELY ORTIZ, KNOCK IT OFF! You are in my house, not back in the past. You came at me Jasmine. Now stop the shit and relax already.”
I knew I was being a dick. I was being too harsh but someone had to. Everyone was treating her with kid gloves. If Jay was still alive, he would have handed her ass to her and they would have worked through this shit together. She would have been fine. But Jay wasn’t here and everyone that was still around treated her like glass, afraid she was going to break. Problem was, she was already shattered. Kristal was an amazing person but she definitely could have handled Jasmine better and so could Angel. I guess they were worried she’d up and off herself; but Jasmine was a lot stronger than they were giving her credit for. She clearly wanted to fight. She just need to know what to fight through and get a little motivated.
Jas was still struggling, trying to break free of my hold. I grabbed her face and forced her to look at me. “Knock it off Jasmine. You are stronger than all this shit. Your brother told me always to look after you and I fucked up by not being there when whatever happened to you went down. But I am here now and we are going to sit here for as long as it fucking takes till we work through most of this shit. Do not let this asshole hold power over you. You are better than that.”
“Just
let me go Chase. Get off me please.”
“No Jasmine. Stop running from us. Stop running from yourself. You cannot out run the past but you can overcome it. Let me fucking help you. Please Jasmine. I can’t watch you doing this to yourself. You enjoying being hurt? How about what this is doing to your mother? Kristal? What about Angel?”
She stopped thrashing. Good I was getting through to her. “What about them, Chase?”
“They are hurting because you’re hurting; because you‘re choosing to let this little bitch from your past run your life. Don’t you think they deserve to be free? What about you Jasmine, don’t you think you deserve to be free too?” She tried to look away but I forced her face back to mine.
“I can’t do this Chase. Stop fighting for me and give up on me already.” In a whisper, “I’m just too broken to fix.” A tear slipped from her eye and I wiped it a way.
“We’re all a little broken Jas, it’s okay. I just need you to fight a little harder and I can help you be okay with that.”
She started crying in earnest now. I got off her and scooped her up. “I don’t know what to do, Chase.”
“Shhh, just let go Jasmine.”
CHAPTER 9
Angel
I was sitting on my front porch working on my second case of Coronas, alone. I never drank, never liked the stuff. Never liked how liquor and beer could leave you unbalanced, less in control. I liked things balanced andin control. But seeing as how life was a little unbalanced right now; fuck, I might as well drink until life fixed itself back the right way.
I closed my eyes attempting to shut my damn brain off. But no matter how many Coronas or how tight I closed my eyes, my mind was still in overdrive. It was still focused on Jasmine, my sweet, sweet sin. She was hurting so bad and I had no idea how to fix her; well not really fix her. Maybe that was the problem, maybe we needed to stop trying to fix her and just help her learn to live again.
I just wanted her to be happy; I wanted the hurt to go away. I can’t believe I walked out on her, just left her there alone, to wander in her own thoughts. I’ll bet she was still sitting there trying to figure out what she did wrong. She was probably blaming herself for the things she couldn’t control. This shit was so fucked up. All I wanted was Jasmine, it was becoming a need, but I couldn’t have her. I wasn’t allowed. I was a twenty-three year old Marine and I couldn’t have what I wanted.
Why couldn’t things just remain the same? Why couldn’t we just go back and fix the mistakes we‘ve made? Shit if I could go back, I would make sure Jay stayed alive so Jas wouldn’t have to hurt for him. If I could go back, I would have made damn sure I never left her. That way I could protect her from that douche bag. I should have been able to save her.
I always used to come to her rescue. When did that change? I remember one time when Jas was younger, my darling sister dared her to climb this tall tree. Jas could never turn down a challenge or a dare back then. She took everything head on. She climbed the tree, but her nerves got the better of her and she couldn’t get herself down. Kris ran and told me I had to save her. When I got there, I was able to help her through most of her nerves and fears. She was able to get half way down, but she slipped and came tumbling down right into my arms. Had I not been there to catch her, she would have hit the ground hard and broken something or everything. But I was there, ready and willing to catch her. She wanted to cry but she refused to. Jasmine was so strong. She thanked me and I told her not to sweat it, when she needed me, I would always be there to catch her, and save her.
But that was then, and as soon as I joined the Marines, I was never there. I fucked up so much in life. I guess I really couldn’t keep any of my promises. Fucked up on my promises to Jay, to Jasmine, and to Kris. Shit, I couldn’t even keep my promise to bring my brother in arms home to his wife and baby girl. I was such a fuck up, it was a wonder I was even alive right now. Why didn’t I die there? I had to shake myself. I would not go back there. Maybe I should stop drinking.
“I thought you didn’t drink son?”
I must be really drunk if I didn’t hear my pops sneak up on me. Maybe he was too ashamed to face his fucked up son. Great, I started laughing, uncontrollable laughter. What the hell was so funny?
“Angel?”
“Yes? Oh Pops! Hey, have you come to join me? Do you want to have a drink with your fuck up of a son? Come, come, the Coronas are still cold. I have a cooler.”
Angel’s Father
My first born, my son, he was suffering. That seemed to be the underlying theme in this damn place. I never signed off on him going to the damn Marines. I knew it would destroy his lighthearted nature. This wasn’t who my son was. I get it; the war changes you, but this was more than just what happened overseas. My son has finally hit rock bottom. He never drank or smoked. He didn’t like how it inhibited people. I was grateful that he was doing this shit at home, rather than off somewhere else where he could get killed. My son was always trying to save someone. It looks like it is finally catching up with him. One of the benefits of hitting rock bottom is you have nowhere else left to go but up. Angel needs to heal and hopefully, it will happen sooner rather than later.
My son was slouched over laughing. It would soon turn into a cry or rage. I just had to wait it out until he was done with the nonsense. I knew Kristal was somewhere close in the house, listening, watching and waiting. She was pissed off at Angel for good reason, but an unnecessary one. My kids had a lot to learn about life and people. Just because your age made you an adult, didn’t mean you knew anything more about the world around you.
He finally stopped laughing, took another swing of his beer and stood up. “You know pops; you never prepared me for life. I suck at this shit because of you!”
Oh, this ought to be good. “Really Angel? Please tell me how I set you up for failure.”
“You let me join the fucking Marines, man. Why the hell didn’t you make me stay here? You didn’t have to sign those papers; I was only seventeen. What parent does that? Why the fuck did you let me go off and save the world when I needed to be here? Dad she needed me here to protect her and I couldn‘t. I was off playing fucking hero to someone else!”
Ahh, so this was indeed about Jasmine. My wife swore up and down Angel was in love with her. I guess she was right.
“I promised I’d be there for her. I promised I’d catch her when she fell. Do you even know what happened to her while I was gone? Do you pops? She hasn’t even told me. She won’t tell me. Can you believe that? Wrote to me the whole time I was gone but won’t tell me what happened to her. But I can guess. I know. I see how scared she is when I touch her. How could someone hurt her like that? Who would want to hurt her? She’s perfect.”
He started pacing now; he was getting more agitated by the second. “You remember how mom used to joke and say I was totally in love with Jasmine and she’s my girlfriend? I used to hate mom when she did that shit. Drove me crazy, because I mean hey, what did she know right?” Angel chuckled, “Mom definitely knew something. I want her dad. But I can’t even have her. Do you know why? It’s not even because of what happened to her. Well wait, no part of it is. I’m scared I might accidently hurt her or remind her of what happened. But that’s not the real reason. How can I possibly be with her and want her like this if I told Jay to stay away from Kris? I ruined a lifelong friendship because I was stupid. Now, not only is he dead, but I can’t have the one thing I actually want in this life. So thank you Pops. Thank you so much for letting me get in my own way.”
Your kids will always blame you for things that spiral out of control in their life because as a parent, we were supposed to stop them. I guess he forgets that he is my son and he wouldn’t have listened to me anyway. My kids walked to the beat of their own drum. They tended to do what they wanted, when and how they wanted. No one but them could tell them anything. It made for an interesting household as they grew up. He was still pacing grumbling under his breath.
“Angel.”
&
nbsp; “What?” He stopped pacing and looked at me. He had his mother’s green eyes. On my wife’s face, they lit up my entire world and could always see directly into my soul. On my son, they were pained and it was clear he was struggling with a lot more than he was willing to let on.
“How about we go inside and we can sit down and talk.”
“What; are you embarrassed to be seen with me outside? It’s late don’t worry, no one can see you talking to me.”
“Oh shut up already and sit down. You’re twenty-three years old; how about you start acting like it?”
If this had been an entirely different situation, I would have laughed. I hadn’t had to yell at my kids in a long time. My son was so shell-shocked, he just stood there frozen in mid step. “Sit down Angel, and no more drinking.” He finally shook himself and sat down, but didn’t drop the beer in his hands. I walked towards the porch and sat next to him taking the beer for myself. “So, you want to tell me the real problem Angel? Why can’t you have Jasmine? Does she not want you?”
“Oh no, it’s clear we want each other. I just can’t have her.”
“You can’t get passed what happened to her?”
“You raised me better than that. It wasn’t her fault some dick head didn’t understand the word no. I just can’t be with her. I mean, how can I? I told Jay to stay away from Kristal. I told him he was all types of fucked up because he was going after my little sister. It’s just wrong for me to even make an attempt to be with Jasmine.”
“Why, son? You are both consenting adults and trust me if Jay really wanted Kristal, he would have moved heaven and hell to be with her. You four always did what you wanted; nothing and no one could tell you anything. So if Jay really wanted Kris the way you want Jasmine, nothing could have kept him away from her.”
I said that loud enough, knowing my daughter was listening. She needed to understand that it wasn’t really Angel who kept them apart. There were other reasons she and Jay never ended up together. She had no real reason to hate Angel. Unless of course she didn’t want him and Jas together but, Kris wasn’t like that. She wanted Jasmine to be happy after everything she’d been through. “I still can’t be with her pops.”