by Nicole Banks
“Why can’t he fight for me? Why do I need to fight for him? For us? Why does it have to be me?”
“I’ve never known you to be a damsel, Jasmine. Don’t you think you’ve sat back long enough in your life? Shit, I guess you like having other people and other things control your life. Good to know how much of a punk you’ve become.”
Before I could respond, his cell phone rang. “Hold that thought. Hello? Hey love, what’s up? Yea she’s here, hold on.” He handed me the phone. Kristal was on the other end. It sounded like she was crying.
“What’s wrong Kris?” I could barely understand her over her whispering tone. She repeated herself and my heart stopped. Shit. I gave the phone back to Chase and went to leave the house. Chase grabbed me. “What’s going on?”
“I need to go.” Chase dropped his hold on me and I started out the door. Before I left, I turned back to him, “I’ll fight for Angel, you need to fight for Kristal. Whatever it is that’s keeping you two apart, you should fix it. Don’t tell me to do something if you’re not willing to do the same Chase.”
***
Kristal said he left on foot, which was good considering he was drinking. In all the years I could remember, I never saw him drink. It was one of the things that made him stand out. The cool thing to do back then was to drink and smoke. He always refused and instead of it making him look like a loser or a punk, it added to his cool factor.
I was getting tired. I had been out for almost an hour looking for him. If I hadn’t heard the panic and fear in Kristal’s voice when she called, I never would have left Chase’s house. This was the first time I could ever remember Kris being scared and that’s what had me out here looking for him. Well that, and the fact that I really hoped he wouldn’t do anything stupid. I lost one to something I could have avoided. I refused to lose another one.
I was approaching the cemetery. I might as well stop by and say hi to my brother. There was a lot we had to talk about. I made my way inside and the closer I got to Jay’s grave the clearer the person standing over it became. It took me by surprise that he was here. Shit, no one came here anymore. But here Angel, was pacing. The tension was coming off him in waves. Each step he took was pronounced, angrier than the last. As I got closer, I could hear him grumbling under his breath, something about love and not being fair. What had set him off? Why would he even bother coming here?
I got closer to him; before I could call out his name, I stepped on a branch causing it to snap. Angel stopped pacing; his breathing was ragged. I didn’t move, couldn’t speak for a while. I wanted some of his tension to ease. I wasn’t scared of him. I just didn’t want his anger directed at me. Angel’s head faced the sky, he drew in a deep breath and cursed. “Just go home Jasmine. You really shouldn’t be out here.”
“How did you know it was me?”
“Because, short of my sister coming to look for me, you would be the only one who would come here. Now go back home.”
I crept a little closer to him. He still didn’t face me, “Angel why are you here?”
“It’s a free fucking country I can be and do whatever the fuck I want. Why the hell are you here? Did Kris call you to come fetch me?”
I flinched at his tone. I knew he was upset, but he didn’t have to direct it towards me. “No, Kristal didn’t call me. This is my brother’s resting place if you haven’t noticed. (That was a lie, of course.) Why else would I be here?” He turned around, closing the space between us. He grabbed both my arms pulling me up against him. His green eyes were a storm of warring emotions. Hurt, anger, sadness, yearning and a mix of other things I didn’t dare focus on. His grip on my arms tightened. “Angel, you’re hurting me.”
“I keep failing you Jasmine. Everything I do, I keep hurting you.”
“No Angel. You’re hurting me now.”
He didn’t release his hold on me; he just gripped me tighter. “Angel, please!” He abruptly dropped his grip, moving his hands to cup my face. “I’ve always tried to protect you, or at least I always thought I tried. I should have never left you. I failed you. You don’t belong here with me. Just go home already.”
“I can’t.”
He dropped his hold on me and took a step back. “Why the hell not?”
I blew out a breath, “Because I’m scared; scared that if I leave you alone tonight, you’re going to do something stupid. I can’t lose you Angel.”
And that was the truth of the matter. That was what compelled me to look for him now. It was what made my heart lurch every time my phone rang or there was a knock on the door, when he joined the Marines. I couldn’t lose him. It was the reason I couldn’t tell him about my past. What I feared the most was that after I told him, he would leave me, like Jay did. I barely survived losing my brother. I wouldn’t be able to survive losing Angel too.
“Jasmine I . . . damn it.” He cut himself off and kissed me.
CHAPTER 11
It really should be a sin to kiss this good. This was a soul-shattering, toe curling inside your shoes kiss. Angel knew the right lazy strokes of his tongue to entice me and make me want more. He wasn’t touching me though; I needed more of a connection with him. I grabbed his shirt pulling him towards me demanding he give me as much as I was willing to take. My thought process was scattering, every worry I possessed before coming out here was gone. I was focused solely on Angel. The movements of his lips and his tongue against mine, the way he inhaled my every exhale. God it felt like we were one entity instead of two separate beings. It was a powerful feeling. This is what people felt? Why didn’t anyone ever fight to keep it?
Angel broke the kiss and a small whimper escaped me. Why was he stopping again? He brought his hand up to remove a hair that escaped from my ponytail. “The perfect fit.” He whispered, a ghost of smile appeared across his face but his beautiful green eyes were so sad. He disengaged my hands from his shirt and stepped back. “You need to go Jasmine, now.”
“Why?”
“Because I do not want you here.”
Well, if that wasn’t that the lie of the night. He wouldn’t have kissed me if he didn‘t. He did want me, that much was clear. Whether it was physical or more than that, he wanted me. What was he hiding from? Did he already know what happened to me? Is that why he constantly pulled away from me after he touched me?
“Angel, you can’t keep kissing me like that and then tell me you’re leaving me. It’s giving me whiplash. I know you want me; I can see it. What are you running from?”
“I’m not running. Yea, I want you, more than you can possibly know. But this can’t happen, ever Jasmine; don’t you get that? Just go home already and leave me alone.”
“No!” Fear laced my voice unintentionally, but I was worried he knew my dirty little secret and couldn’t stand the sight of me. “I can’t leave Angel. Not until you explain to me why this can’t happen? What’s keeping you from being with me?”
Please don’t say it’s because of my past. I don’t think I could handle it if he walked away from me because of my past. Please don’t let it be that.
“Jasmine, damn it, just go! I can’t keep doing this with you. You deserve better. I just- Fine! I will leave; you can stay but just know I’m not leaving because of you. I am leaving because of me. We can’t be anything because of me. Don’t you see? I’m not good enough for you Jasmine. I am no good for you, I can never be what it is you need and it kills me inside because all I want is you. But I can’t have you because I would destroy you.”
“Angel I-” What could I say? Here was this man who had always been larger than life. A damn national hero and he was sitting here saying he wasn’t good enough for me? Was he crazy? I had to laugh a little at the whole situation. Here was this good, honorable almost perfect man saying he wasn’t enough for me. How could that ever be possible? I was the one who was ruined and no good for him. Shit, after what happened to me, I don’t think I’d ever be good enough for him. No man wanted damaged goods, some baggage could be dealt with; ot
hers, not so much. I could very well destroy the both of us being as ruined as I am. What happened to him that he just gave up on himself? Angel was the strongest person I knew mentally and physically. He was better than this. How was I going to be strong enough to fight both our demons?
He turned and began to walk away. “Angel, please don’t leave me.” His steps never faltered; he just kept going. “Angel I was raped. Please, just don’t leave.”
He stopped, and the words just came out of my mouth like word vomit. “I was scared. I tried; I really did try to fight him off the first two times. But by the third time, I couldn’t. I just begged instead; begged him to stop. He wouldn’t stop. He told me I wanted it, that I deserved it; that I teased him and I was practically begging him to fuck me. He told me I would love the way he felt inside me. You know, I think I died that day? Every time he touched me, every time he spoke I was dying inside. I couldn‘t get his smell out of my skin for weeks. I sat in showers for hours on end just scrubbing my skin raw. I had to remove him from me. His scent was embedded in my body.”
Angel still didn’t turn around and come back but he didn’t move any further away either. The words just seemed to keep falling out. Maybe, I hoped he would turn around, whisk me away and take all the bad away. “You know what he told me Angel? He said I was his. No one would ever want to touch me, or want to be with me because I was damaged. Guys, guys wanted girls that weren’t broken, but he broke me Angel. He said that because he broke me, I would always be his. No one was going to love me, only him.” I was crying; my stomach was cramping. I didn’t want to think about that day anymore but the words wouldn’t stop. Why did I keep talking? Angel wasn’t coming back. “You know I tried to block him out. Block out what was happening. I closed my eyes willing myself to ignore it or go to sleep. He kept hitting me or causing me some kind of pain to keep me in the situation. That was my first time you know? I always thought it would be with someone who I loved, or at the very least liked me enough to make it special and sweet. He didn‘t even kiss me.”
Angel turned then; he was crying the same as I was. He ate up the distance between us. In a few short steps, I was scooped up in his arms and he just held me. We cried together. The tears were streaming down my face and my nose was stuffy, I couldn’t breathe; all I could do was cry. “And this is how I failed you Jasmine. I should have been here for you. I should have protected you from this. I wish I could take all your pain away baby. I‘m so sorry.”
CHAPTER 12
We were in his room. We left the cemetery in silence and walked back to his house. I didn’t want to go home. I couldn’t. I didn’t want my mom to see me like this. She worried enough over me. I didn’t need nor want to add to it. Angel knew without me saying a word not to take me home. It was weird how well he was able to read me, and my emotions. He always seemed so in tune with me. Part of me wondered how he never knew something was off in the letters I wrote him. Another part was grateful that he never knew. He couldn’t afford the distraction where he was stationed.
We walked through the front door and we kept moving towards his room. Angel leaned up against the wall with his arms crossed. He was watching me, probably waiting for me to break down again. Or maybe trying to figure out a way to let me down gently, now that he knew about my past. He had this weird look in his eyes that I couldn’t quite decipher. I should have been worried about the look, me not being able to tell what it meant, but I was too mentally exhausted to figure it out.
He had pictures on his dresser. A couple of family shots, one from school, one of him throwing Kris in a pool and a group shot of him, Kris Jay and me. I picked that one up, being thrown back to the day the picture was taken. We were at one of the carnivals they had out here every summer. My brother made me go on this one ride that Angel was too chicken to go on, and Kris was too short for. It was the ride that took you straight into the sky, stopped and then, pow, a sudden drop. I swore my heart stopped at least five times on the way down.
I remember when it was time to get off, I couldn’t move, I was shaken so badly. I was convinced my insides were still somewhere dangling in the clouds. Jay came running over. His excitement was clear. My brother was always the adrenal junkie. “That shit was awesome,” he said. “What a rush. You know Jasy, it’s pretty dope that you’re down for this kind of stuff. You’re not chicken shit, like Angel is.” He laughed, “Don’t get me wrong, he does stuff, but it’s like pulling teeth with him. You? Tell you one time, no questions asked, you’re down for it. That’s pretty cool for a little sister.” I remember he looked at Kris and Angel and suddenly appeared very serious. He took a long breath and turned to me all hint of humor and his carefree nature gone. “Jasy, always remember one thing, life is and will always be meant to be lived. Taste it, savor it, consume it and let it consume you. Get lost in it. Life is intoxicating if it’s lived right. You should never be afraid of life. You should never hold anything back. There’s entirely too much to explore and experience and taste and touch; and we’re never given enough time to do it all. Jas, promise me whatever you do in your life, make sure you give it your all. Never let your fears get the best of you.”
I put the picture down, my brother’s words echoing in my brain, threatening the tears to start up again. Jay would be beyond pissed how my life turned out and how I responded to it. He would have demanded I fight to get my life back. He should have still been here. I made too much of a mess of everything. “That was a good day.” I jumped, forgetting Angel was in the room.
“I didn’t think you still had this picture, let alone have it up and in your room.”
“It was in the living room for a long time. Weird that it’s in here and not Kris’ room. Jas, why didn’t you ever tell me? And no bullshit Jasmine. We’ve always been able to talk, so we’re going to talk now. How could you not come to me with this?”
I didn’t want to talk about this. The first year it happened all I did was talk. What else could I say? In truth, Angel should have known, I should have been able to tell him. But what else could he possibly need to know now? It wasn’t like anything I could say would make him not look at me with disgust. I would probably just ruin everything.
He had this glint in his eyes and he was clenching his jaw. He wasn’t going to drop this at all. He was pissed and in some strange way, I understood why he was upset. I had told him everything; we wrote for as long as he was gone, I should have been able to tell him. But I couldn’t, I didn’t want to risk anything or be responsible for another person’s accident. I turned to leave and Angel was on me in a second. “Jasmine don’t.” He grabbed my arm spinning me back to face him. Cupping my face, forcing me to look at him. “Talk to me Jasmine. Please!” I really wished he would stop touching me like this so tenderly and caring when at this point it was probably the last thing he wanted to do. “Please Jasmine.”
I tried to shake my head in between his big hands. A small tear escaped and Angel went to wipe it away with his thumb. “Jas, I hate seeing you cry. Just talk to me. Please baby.”
“I can’t. I don’t want you to look at me any worse then you already do.” I closed my eyes.
“Jasmine look at me.” I refused I couldn’t, I couldn’t see the disappointment in his eyes. I knew I let him down I knew I had disappointed him. I couldn’t handle that.
“Jasmine, look at me, now.” The authoritative tone he used had my eyes snapping open. A small smile spread across his face. “First, that’s not like you to respond to authority. You getting soft on me?”
I couldn’t help it I smiled back at him. Angel always had a knack for putting a smile on my face. “That’s my girl. Understand Jasmine. Nothing and no one can make me change my opinion of you. No matter what you tell me, you are still going to be my Jasmine. What do you think is going to happen? Do you plan on growing another limb?”
I rolled my eyes, “Don’t be so stupid Angel.”
“Then talk to me Jasmine. Stop running from me and talk to me.” He dropped his hands b
ut didn’t back up, if anything he got closer to me. “You want to know something? I’ll let you in on a little secret. You know Jas; there have been plenty of times when the stress and the bullshit was too much over there, when all I wanted to do was end it. It was the only way I knew how to get out of all this shit.”
My eyes widened in shock and I stepped even closer to him putting my hands on his chest. He covered my hands with his and we just stared at each other. I was lost in his beautiful green eyes. It was so sad to see how depressing his eyes had become since he’d been home. What I wouldn’t give to see his eyes light with mischief and humor again.
“Angel I didn’t know. I-”
“Shh, Jas; let me finish.” He brought his other hand up to brush a strand of hair out of my face and then brought his finger to trace over my lips. My breath hitched and he leaned in. I held my breath hoping, praying he was going to kiss me. But he shook his head and stepped back. He seemed to be struggling with something. Probably didn’t know how much he was willing to tell me. Probably didn’t want to scare me off. I just shook my head, how could we’ve written to each other so much and still have been so clueless as to how bad our lives really were? Angel let out a breath, “Jasmine I . . . just know and understand, you are the reason I’m still standing here. I don’t think I realized this until now, but my strength comes from you. Nothing and no one is going to take that away. So please don’t think that anything you tell me is going to change anything. You will always be my Jasmine.”
He turned to sit on the bed and I stood there staring at him like a doofus. My mind must be not working properly. First, he declares he’s not good enough for me; now this? How could I possibly be giving him any strength when I was too weak to do anything? My head hurt. When did life get so damn complicated?