by Chai Pinit
I also remembered that clients would sometimes ask me to get them ya ba, or amphetamine pills, which were relatively easy to find in the days before Prime Minister Thaksin’s war on narcotics. Once upon a time, it was just a few baht per tablet and they could be purchased at pharmacies or gas stations. It wasn’t the drug of choice though for it was mainly labourers or truck drivers who used it. Ironically, after it became illegal, its price and popularity skyrocketed to the extent that it has become nothing short of a scourge on our youth. Last I heard the cost had more than tripled since before the ban.
A roadside vendor-cum-dealer on Sathon Soi 1 was the regular trading spot for people who were in the know. Sathon is the main business centre of Bangkok and not an area many would associate with drug dealing.
I’d always travel by taxi to do my deals. When the taxi arrived at the agreed spot, I’d lower the passenger window, raise my hand and nod. The person I was meeting would then approach and enquire how much I wanted and then promptly return with the goods. On one occasion, such a deal netted me an extra 5,000 baht, on top of my usual fee for sex.
The ‘messiest’ service I ever provided for a fee was during a New Year celebration in Pattaya. A farang bought a slew of boys from a go-go bar. The deal was that each boy would be paid 2,000 baht to ejaculate into his mouth in the privacy of his hotel room. Word got round to nearby bars and many extras had turned up on the appointed night. The farang awaited his semen ‘shower’ dressed in a very lavish suit. Ten boys would enter at a time while the others waited in the lobby. You would think that huddles of young men loitering in a hotel lobby would have aroused suspicion, but nobody said anything. The whole thing felt a little ridiculous, but I saw it as easy money. I usually had to perform a song and dance for the same amount at the bar. We joked that this experience of group masturbation was like the seasonal kite-flying contests we’d have as kids. The only difference was that those contests involved real kites .
Not all of the boys were able to perform though. Some were struck by stage fright and so forfeited their fee.
Still in the bathroom pondering all I had done for money in the past, I concluded that I’d participated in some very odd, dirty, and frequently illegal situations, so the prospect of smearing someone with faeces wouldn’t really be that outlandish. Besides, I desperately needed the money. So that was it. The decision was made.
The studio, a townhouse in disguise, was in Nonthaburi, a province that adjoins Bangkok, but in reality is more like a suburb of the city. From the outside, our workplace looked very innocent indeed, and no one would’ve suspected what was really going on inside. Erik had already warned the cast and crew to keep their mouths shut about what we were up to.
I didn’t feel particularly nervous making dirty porn. I quashed any rumblings of guilt by reminding myself that I was being well paid. Several other men were also acting in the films and all seemed to have adopted the same attitude. Our female co-stars had been recruited from bars in Nana. I scanned the room and saw many of them were obviously past their prime as prostitutes, whereas the few younger members were clearly desperate for money. Before shooting, the cast was required to test negative for STDs and AIDS. I later learned that Wan, Erik’s wife, used to work in a Thaniya bar and had married a Japanese client. They later divorced though, and she married Erik. She obviously played a pivotal role in recruiting the women, negotiating prices, and so on.
Once we were assembled, we were given our individual roles and told who would be our partners. Once my partners had a face, the thought of committing unspeakable acts against them became all the more real and alarming. So I wai’d the woman, apologising in advance for what I was about to do. They all seemed resigned to their fates, however, and barely acknowledged my humble requests for forgiveness.
In some scenes, the women would smear my faeces all over their bodies pretending to like it. But, the most horrible shot by far involved me tying up and stripping my co-star. I then proceeded to smear her face, body and hair with the same matter. I wore gloves of course, but the smell was ghastly and I came close to vomiting on several occasions. These scenes went on for ages, shooting and re-shooting from every angle imaginable. As soon as a scene was over the women would run for the showers and scrub themselves raw.
A dog also shared one of the lead roles. He was injected with a stimulant that made him sexually excited and also very aggressive. The shoot was completed by an act of bestiality. The dog occasionally got carried away though, and even bit a few girls.
Some of the mellower scenes involved me having sex with three women, or ejaculating into a woman’s mouth. The women were paid between 20,000 and 30,000 baht each depending on how many scenes they featured in. I asked Erik why he didn’t just make porn films featuring regular coupling. That type of movie, he said, was for good-looking actors who had beautiful bodies; this kind, on the other hand, was for our type.
None of the actors were happy to be engaging in such displays but we all had our reasons, and focusing on these helped us through them. My reason was the welfare of my family, and I suspected other actors had similar motivations.
I worked for Erik intermittently for almost a year and have no idea how many movies in total I starred in. Wan and Erik even performed in some of the scenes themselves. I managed to keep my job a secret the entire time, especially from Thomas. I didn’t contact anyone participating in these films after I left: enough was enough. Not only had the work been awful, but it also was extremely monotonous.
Had I been in those women’s shoes, I’d never have let anyone do such demeaning things to me. Then again, I shouldn’t have been the one doing it to them.
It’s very hard for me to confess to any of this, but I need to unburden myself. I have to make amends for the life I’ve led. After all, being in hospital, I have had to let go of all remaining shreds of dignity. The nurses change my bedpan daily; I am almost naked, and my body is covered in dark, ugly welts. How could I possibly consider myself superior to the actresses in those movies now? I am suffering for the bad deeds of my past. I’m not even sure if they should feature in this book, but I can’t turn back the clock. I can’t undo what I’ve done; I can only compensate for it with honesty. So while we are on the topic I would like to clearly state that not every Thai would stoop to such low levels for money, not even those who work in the sex industry. Many people decided against working for Erik when they found out what would be involved. Of course, I would walk away if I was ever asked to do such things again. There are good and bad people in every society irrespective of how civilised any of them purport to be. The fact is that Erik exploited the women in his movies—he used their desperation to line his pockets.
Just as my patience with Thomas was beginning to wear thin, I found another patron—or rather, he found me. He turned out to be one of the kindest and most generous people I’ve ever met.
I was dancing on the stage one night when I noticed a smart-looking man staring at me. I thought he was Thai, but when I later introduced myself I discovered he was Chinese. He introduced himself as Lau, a Taiwanese hailing from Tainan City. I generally attracted farang men so was surprised when Lau expressed an interest in me. He was slim, fair-skinned, and his mid-length hair was stylish. He had movie-star looks, which would’ve driven Thai women crazy, and he didn’t project a gay attitude at all. Unlike my usual clients, he was my age, and stood almost six feet tall, which is unusual for an Asian man. I boldly told him I liked him very much and wanted to go out with him. He immediately agreed, and without further ado we left for his office/apartment in Ratchadaphisek.
From that night on, Lau became my long-term benefactor and dearest friend. Of course, when I later moved in with him I was careful not to mention Nuan, let alone my son. Having netted such a wonderful catch, I promptly deserted the miserly Thomas. Nuan and Chuan continued to live in the room I rented for them and I visited them often.
In time, I discovered that Lau had his own patron/lover—a fellow countryman and a very wealthy businessman named Wu. The plot of our little love triangle was full of intrigue and deception. Wu covered up his illicit affair with Lau by hiring him as a manager to oversee the automobile-part factories he owned in Thailand. In a way, Lau and I were holding down similar jobs, but over all, Lau definitely took a higher road in life. Wu sent his lover overseas so that he could enjoy his little secret whenever he felt like it, without the threat of exposure.
Unlike me, Lau actually worked. He genuinely wanted Wu’s enterprise to succeed and he employed four Thais to help him. I met Wu during one of his trips to check on the business and, of course, his lover. He was similar to me in stature, but was a little overweight and had thinning hair. But what he lacked in looks he made up for in style as he drove around in his sleek Porsche. He’d made a fortune exporting car parts to dealers in the USA. Wu appeared to be a business mentor to Lau, and Lau, in turn, assumed the role of devoted and faithful employee. I was the only person privy to the true nature of their relationship. Wu had no idea I was involved with Lau; he thought I was merely a local worker.
Lau didn’t love Wu but he couldn’t resist the luxuries and comforts that came with the relationship. Except for the fact that I was attracted to Lau, my feelings for him followed the same pattern. Aside from covering my daily expenses, Lau paid me a handsome allowance of 50,000 baht a month. I could only imagine how much Wu paid him. Lau was a wonderful person and a great companion but I couldn’t commit to him as a full-time lover—my heart just wasn’t in it. I didn’t tell him my true feelings because I needed his money, so I silently continued to play the game just as he did with Wu. I asked him why he liked me so much—I was no longer the youthful go-go boy, and there were countless other good-looking gay boys who would’ve worshipped Lau if given the chance. He could have had anyone he wanted. Lau assured me that he didn’t want anyone else—I was his type and he loved me. I’d believed beauty was one of the most desired qualities a person could possess—more than goodness even, and I’d often neglected the inside in favour of bettering the outside. So Lau amazed me by his answer.
Lau lavished both time and attention on me and was a faithful lover. My lack of self-esteem prevented me from realising that Lau considered me his equal. I wasn’t just a boy toy to be discarded when a new-and-improved model came along. In many ways, I felt undeserving of such respect and affection. Yet I freely took his goodies without any qualms. When mobile phones were still uncommon in Thailand he bought me a latest high-tech one from Taiwan. I rushed straight to the bar, holding the phone aloft like a trophy for all the other go-go boys to admire.
I regularly found ways to go see Nuan and Chuan and figured that sooner or later Lau would start asking questions. I pre-empted a nasty situation and told him Nuan was my cousin, having been abandoned by her husband during her pregnancy. She’d been left to raise their small child on her own so I asked Lau to show kindness towards them by paying the rent on her room and he gladly agreed. When I introduced Nuan to Lau they got along very well and, as I’d hoped, Lau asked them to come live with us. This made life a lot easier for me, as it meant I no longer had to travel back and forth between Lau’s apartment and the room in Bonkai.
In Lau’s presence, I acted the role of Nuan’s older cousin. But unbeknownst to him, I regularly slept with her. Nuan, on the other hand, was a willing accomplice in our charade. It’s hard to believe that Lau never once questioned the true nature of my relationship with Nuan—perhaps he suspected something, but was happy to act dumb by playing along. I’d again promised Nuan I’d find an alternative job before Chuan was old enough to understand what I did for a living. So I asked Lau for money to open up a clothing stall. Nuan and I travelled to Prathunam together to buy wholesale T-shirts, which would then be sold on to tourists at marked-up prices. We set up a makeshift stall near the Surawong end of Patpong and were initially making a profit of about 1,000-2,000 baht a day. We opened early in the evening and worked late into the night when the tourists came out to play. Nuan was very happy to mind the stall; she brought Chuan with her, and he would sleep on a small makeshift bed while she worked. She was thrilled, as she’d always dreamed of running her own business. We earned a nice profit and were happy with our success. When she wasn’t working at the stall, Nuan cleaned Lau’s apartment and took care of other household duties. Lau thought of Nuan as both a friend and a housemaid. We were a happy bunch indeed.
Unfortunately, as the pressure of providing for my family eased, my big-headedness grew. Greed got the better of me once again as I’d found a goose whose golden eggs both lined my pocket and fed my ego. I always had ten thousand baht on me at any given time and stupidly, I thought I could easily double it through gambling. I wasn’t worried that gambling is a crime in Thailand for, at the time, gambling houses weren’t raided very often. The owners paid huge kickbacks every month to local police, which was enough to persuade the law to turn a blind eye.
During my first few ventures into gambling dens, I miraculously managed to come away with an extraordinary profit. I even shared some of my winnings with Lau as a way of thanking him. I was sure he’d be happy, but instead he warned me gravely against returning to the dens. He thought that in the long run they would bring only misery. I didn’t listen and, as if cursed by his disapproval, started on a losing streak that continued from that day on. I returned home nightly to be greeted by Lau’s disappointed looks, leaving me feeling more frustrated. Some nights I would lose everything and even accrue debt, which meant that I’d have to call Lau to bail me out. When my debts began to accumulate, I ransacked the apartment, stole as many valuables as I could carry and headed to a pawnshop. I took mobile phones, digital cameras, and other valuables that added up to large amount of money.
Lau must have been shocked—even appalled, when he realised what I’d done, but oddly enough he never confronted me. He spoke to Nuan instead. One day, she caught me red-handed putting Lau’s mobile phone in my pocket and ordered me to put it back immediately. She then commented that she hadn’t seen me using the mobile phone Lau had given me in quite a long time. I gave her a feeble excuse about loaning it to a friend and that I was only borrowing Lau’s for the time being. She didn’t believe me. So she searched my wallet and found a receipt from the pawnshop that proved I’d actually pawned the phone a week earlier. Nuan was furious and warned me not to mess things up when we were doing so well. She reminded me that I should be grateful to have a generous patron like Lau and not take him for granted. Instead of feeling ashamed at this rebuke, I just became angry. She’d been giving out to me a lot lately about all kinds of issues so I simply ignored her protests. I put Lau’s phone back in my pocket and cursed her on my way out the door. She warned Lau against storing valuables in the house and ridiculed me in front of him by asking if I had the nerve to carry the refrigerator to the pawnshop. I felt as if they were ganging up on me and I hated it.
The fact that Nuan had a close ally in Lau made her more assertive and confrontational with me. So my response was to drink and gamble all the more. It was easy to do so when I didn’t have to worry about making ends meet—Lau took care of that. Nuan and I began arguing frequently and my anger at her began to escalate into violence. I felt that I’d always been a good provider and that she shouldn’t begrudge me a few pleasures. I was simply blind to the fact that it was actually Lau who was the provider now and not me. Once again in my life, I felt my masculinity slipping away.
CHAPTER 12
While still living with Lau, I met a couple from Hong Kong. They asked me to call them by their English names, Tony and Anna. The second they entered the bar, I was struck by Anna’s beauty. At first glance, her eyes gave me the impression that she was timid; but a closer look revealed that there were flames of unfulfilled desire burning brightly behind the shy veneer. When her pouty lips broke into a smile, the room would light up. So I imme
diately set about catching her attention. Not only did I want to boast about her to my fellow go-go boys, but I also wanted to take revenge on Nuan. I felt emasculated by her constant nagging and thought that by sleeping with Anna I could reassert my masculinity.
I removed my underwear, stroked my penis until it became hard, and then used a tied condom to engorge it further. As I began dancing, I positioned myself near Tony and Anna in an effort to make eye contact with her. She smiled shyly as I gyrated my body in order to tantalise her. She lent over and whispered something to Tony, her overweight, middle-aged husband. Patience was my trump card. I waited until I was sure that I’d secured Anna’s interest before approaching Tony. I figured they were no different from any of the other couples I’d encountered—another husband looking for a bar boy to pleasure his wife. We made small talk for a few minutes and then I was pleasantly surprised when Tony tipped me 500 baht. I’d done next to nothing to earn such a generous handout.