by Laurel Veil
I stared at her in disbelief. “Why would I want to do that?” She sighed dramatically as if I was being unreasonable and had no right to feel the way I did. “Whatever,” I said before turning to go.
“Wait, please. We need to talk.” I stopped even though I wanted to keep walking and make her feel invisible the way she’d made me feel.
I was silent as I considered her plea. There was a part of me that was hoping I might get an apology and my curiosity had me dying to know why they’d cut off all ties with me. Maybe now, I would finally get some answers. I decided that I would talk with her, but I wasn’t about to go to her house. I didn’t know what it was I thought she might do, all I knew was, I didn’t trust her. I definitely wasn’t going to meet her in the cemetery. And I didn’t want her contaminating my grandma’s home with her Ava-ness. So, I decided on someplace neutral, public and safe. “I’ll meet you at the bookstore in about an hour.”
♦ ♦ ♦
By the time I arrived, Ava was already there, and Riley was with her. They had drinks sitting on the table, so I took a moment to get one too. I deliberately took my time. I didn’t want to seem eager. Those days were over. They could wait for me now.
When I finally got my hot chocolate, I moseyed to their table. “Hey,” said Ava. I looked at her, then Riley and without saying a word, I took a seat.
“Do you speak?” said Riley.
I ignored her and turned to Ava. “What did you want to talk about?”
“Why are you being such a bitch?” snapped Riley.
I whipped my head in her direction. Before I could say anything, Ava jumped in. “Shut up, Riley.”
“I’ll give you about ten more seconds, and if you don’t tell me why I’m here, I’m leaving.”
Ava shot Riley a look that I interpreted as you better not mess this up. She swallowed hard. “We want you to go back with us to the cemetery.”
I shook my head emphatically. “No way.”
“Why not?” she demanded.
“I’m just not. I’m never doing that—whatever it was we did, again.”
“What’s the big deal?”
I stared at the logo on my cup and contemplated what an idiot I’d been for having had high expectations about our little get together. I should’ve known better. The disappointment was thick around my heart, making it difficult to beat. “You know, I thought I was coming here to get an apology from you two. I thought you guys were going to tell me how sorry you were for treating me so badly. And I was hoping maybe we’d try to be friends again.” I sighed. “I also thought we were going to reminisce about Dani and share our grief.” But there were no apologies for me and no tears for Dani. I was met with blank stares. “The only reason you asked me here is because you want something.” I scooted my chair out to leave. “In case you forgot, I got your invitation, and I already gave you my answer.”
Ava reached for my arm. “Please,” she pleaded. “Don’t go.”
I’d never seen her act desperate before. Reluctantly, I sat back down. “Our friend died,” I said. “She was murdered for crying out loud. Losing her has been hard on me, but I lost you guys too—all at the same time. You two still had each other. I was alone. It wasn’t fair how you guys treated me. We’ve never talked about Dani once. Why? It’s like she was never here. And why did you guys just dump me?”
Neither Ava nor Riley said anything, but I could tell they were communicating with their eyes. Ava finally spoke. “It’s not like we were that close to her.” I couldn’t believe how cold she was being. It must’ve shone on my face. “Oh, come on, like you didn’t know. Riley and I were even less close to you, Noelle.”
Her words stung. She was right, but it still hurt to hear it. “So that’s it? That’s your explanation—we weren’t that close?” I didn’t want to sound desperate, but I couldn’t help myself. I was hurt and I had to get some things off my chest. “Friendship takes time, you know. You guys cut me off completely and without warning. I mean, you wouldn’t even let me sit with you at lunch. I had no one.” I could feel rage building in me, waiting to explode. “You freaking changed PE classes, Ava. What the hell? I had friends in there before you decided there wasn’t enough of me to go around. Then when you left, I was on my own. It took a while before anyone would even talk to me.”
Ava didn’t seem fazed by what I was saying, but Riley seemed to shift uncomfortably in her seat. “Do you want to say something, Riley?” I asked. “You know, you don’t need Ava’s permission.” She remained quiet, but now, it looked like she was ticked off at me.
“So, you guys have nothing else to say to me?” I waited for a response longer than I should have. “No apology? Seriously?”
“Sorry,” said Ava. “We’re sorry. OK?”
“Wow. That was heartfelt. Really sincere.”
“What do you want from us?” said Riley.
“Nothing,” I said. I was disgusted with myself for forcing them to apologize and then being upset when it wasn’t sincere.
“So, will you come?” asked Ava.
“What is so important about the cemetery? Wait—” I interjected before they could even think of answering, “Never mind. I don’t want to know. I don’t care. There is no way I’m going there with you guys ever again.”
“Why are you acting like that?” said Ava.
“Yeah,” said Riley. “You had fun the first time. Why won’t you come?”
“There are devil worshippers doing crazy things there at night—sacrifices and stuff.” Ava and Riley giggled. “I’m not kidding. And it’s not a rumor. The caretaker told me.” They laughed harder. “Do whatever you want.”
I heard them call after me as I stepped out the door, but I kept going.
12.
I came home to an empty house again, so I decided I would go ahead and make Dani’s mom a cake without Grandma. I knew how to bake a cake. I could read the back of a box. I’d wanted my grandma’s help because she was a pro and she knew special things like when we needed to add an extra egg or more butter to the batter. She didn’t even need to set a timer. She knew when a cake was ready to come out of the oven just by the smell. She was the one who’d taught me to use a spoon instead of a knife when applying frosting so I wouldn't accidentally pierce the cake. She’d showed me how to make little S’s with the spoon when applying the frosting in order to create a pattern that looked like perfectly spaced waves in a chocolate ocean—or lemon, or vanilla—or whatever flavor we were using. But Grandma wasn’t around—again. I enjoyed having the time to myself at first, but if I wanted this much alone time, I’d go live with my mom. I think what bothered me the most was, my mom was my grandma’s daughter. I was afraid my grandma might start acting like her. Maybe being a bad mom ran in the family. I often wondered where my mom got her horrible parenting skills.
At that moment, I heard Grandma’s keys jingle in the lock just before she stepped inside. “Where’ve you been?” I asked.
“I just had a few errands to run.” She inhaled dramatically. “My word, it smells wonderful in here.” I couldn’t help but smile. “What’s the occasion?”
“So, you really think it smells alright? I didn’t mess anything up, did I?”
“It smells like heaven.”
“Good. Because I’m making it for Dani’s mom.”
Her eyes teared. “That is so thoughtful, Noelle.”
“I feel kind of bad because I didn’t do anything sooner.”
“Don’t think like that. You’re doing it when you’re supposed to.”
“You think?”
“Yes. And you know, when your grandpa died, I just wanted to be alone. I was bombarded with people who meant well. It was later that I could’ve used some company and there wasn’t a soul around. Everyone had moved on.”
We had a bite to eat while I waited for the cake to finish cooling. “So, what kind of errands were you running?” I asked.
Grandma took a long sip of coffee. “They weren’t fun, I’ll tell ya th
at. I had to go see Graham Avery, my financial advisor. And I had to see my CPA—I won’t bore you with the details. I bet your cake is cool enough now.”
I went to check. Of course, she was right. I carefully smothered the chocolate cake in precisely placed waves of white icing, just like she’d taught me. It was beautiful. When Grandma went to the bathroom, I used the opportunity to sneak out with the cake. I didn’t want her to drive me, and I didn’t want her asking me to have Nolan walk with me. I just wanted to drop the cake off and come back home as quickly as I could.
As I approached Dani’s house, my stomach tightened. I hadn’t felt nervous at all until I stepped on her driveway. Ugh. Why didn’t I let Grandma drive me? I didn’t even know if her mom was home. I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience as I walked up the steps to the porch. I knocked, and as I waited, I contemplated whether or not I should leave the cake or come back later. If I did leave it, she wasn’t going to know that it was from me because I didn’t think to tape a card to the lid. I startled when I heard a loud clank. I walked down the length of the porch and peered around the house. That’s when I noticed the side door to the garage was open and a light was on. I stepped off the porch and walked toward the garage. “Ms. Moretti?” I called out.
My eyes flitted nervously around as I waited for her to step outside. My eyes panned the trash cans that were pushed up against the house. They were piled so high with trash their lids couldn’t shut properly. Several boxes were sitting next to them collecting the overflow. My heart started pounding. Those were Dani’s things inside one of the boxes! I recognized her clothes—a pair of jeans and some of her shirts, and a shoe that was partially hidden under her backpack. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I felt tingly. I hadn’t seen these items since she disappeared and seeing them again made me feel like I was seeing her. My heart was pounding. How could her mother do this? Just toss her things away as if they were trash?
My eyes then wandered to the other box, and I thought I might faint when I saw Dani’s face peeking out from underneath some jackets. It was the picture of her and me that had been sitting in her room.
“Can I help you?”
I flinched so hard I almost dropped the cake. There was a bearded man now standing only a few yards from me. Was he Dani’s father? She’d never mentioned anything about her dad or her mom having a boyfriend.
“I-I was looking for Ms.—” I was so anxious I stammered. I couldn’t remember Dani’s last name.
“She isn’t here,” said the man.
“Oh. Well, I made her a cake.” I held it out so he could take it. He made me so uncomfortable I wanted to evaporate.
He looked down at his hands. “My hands are filthy,” he said, but they didn’t look dirty to me. “I don’t want to mess up your dish.”
“It’s a disposable pan. You can’t hurt it.” I laughed nervously.
“You can set it down in the kitchen.”
I thought he meant that I should go in by myself and drop off the cake, but he walked towards the back door. I didn’t want to go inside Dani’s house, much less with him. How was I going to get out of this? I wished Nolan was there.
“My dad is waiting for me at the corner,” I said. “Sorry, but I gotta run, or he’s gonna kill me.” I instantly regretted my poor choice of words. I sat the cake on the patio table and bolted.
♦ ♦ ♦
“Well, how’d it go?” asked Grandma the second I stepped into the den.
“I’m sure she’ll appreciate it, but she wasn’t there,” I said as I flopped onto the couch.
“Did you leave it by the front door?”
“There was a man there. I’ve never met him before. Anyway, I left it with him.”
Grandma studied my face. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”
“Dani never mentioned her dad. I don’t know if he was her father or her mom’s boyfriend or what, but he gave me the creeps.”
“Why? What’d he do?”
“Nothing. It was just a feeling. I feel bad for even saying it. But I got out of there as fast as I could.”
“You shouldn’t have gone alone. I would’ve driven you. I was planning to.” I squirmed uncomfortably because I knew she knew I’d raced out the door to avoid her. “I’ve told you about your feelings.” She made quotation marks with her fingers. “At least you listened to them and left. That’s good.” I could feel Grandma’s eyes on me. “Anything else you want to tell me?”
I felt myself getting a little choked up. “I saw some of Dani’s things in the trash—clothes, shoes.”
“I see. Well . . . everyone handles grief differently.” I could tell by her expression though that it bothered her too.
“I know you still have some of Grandpa’s things, but did you throw anything away right after he died?”
She shook her head.
♦ ♦ ♦
Just before dark, I told Grandma that I was going to go outside and talk with Nolan for a little while. “Why don’t you just invite him over?” she asked.
I shrugged. “Be back soon.” The truth was, I didn’t want to just talk to him. What I really wanted was for him to go back with me to Dani’s, but there was no way I was going to tell her that.
Nolan wasn’t in his yard or in the garage. That meant I was going to have to go to his door. I hadn’t done that in years.
I rang the bell. Answer, Nolan. Answer. I willed him with my mind. “Noelle!” said his mom as soon as she opened the door. I cringed inside just a little knowing what was coming next. She was a hugger.
“Hi, Mrs. Masters,” I said as she threw her arms around me.
“I haven’t seen you this close-up in a while.” She turned her head, “Nolan, honey, it’s for you.” She looked back at me. “You’re just all grown-up now and so pretty.”
I felt my cheeks getting warm. “Thank you.” Just then, I caught a glimpse of Nolan coming down the hallway. He didn’t have a shirt on. When did his abs start looking like that? I could feel my face getting warmer. He went into the utility room and came out dressed.
“So, how’s your grandma doing?” she asked.
“She’s fine. She stays really busy.”
“That’s good. She and I need to catch up. It’s been a while.” She moved to the side when Nolan approached. “Well, it was nice seeing you again. I hope we see more of you.”
I smiled and Nolan closed the door behind him. His hair was a rumpled mess. I must’ve woken him. “What is it?” he asked. His voice was scratchy.
I told him all about dropping off the cake at Dani’s and what I’d seen in the trash. “You shouldn’t have gone alone, Noelle.”
“OK, Grandma.”
“It was stupid, and you know it.”
“Well . . . will you go with me now?”
“You want to go back over there?”
I nodded.
“Why?” he asked incredulously.
“I want to get that picture.”
He exhaled. “I’ll go get it. You said that dude weirded you out. I don’t want you near him.”
My eyes lingered on Nolan. I think he actually cared about me as much as my grandma did.
“What?” he asked. He raked his fingers self-consciously through his disheveled hair.
I shook my head. “I don’t want you going there alone either.”
He grinned, so of course, I shoved him. “So, will you go with me or not?”
He started walking. “Come on.”
It was dark by the time we made it to Dani’s driveway. I pointed. “It’s in that box,” I whispered, “right over there.”
Nolan and I stepped quietly to the pile of trash. More items had been added, so I had to rifle through the mess. “Hurry up,” said Nolan.
“I’m trying. There’s a lot more stuff out here now.”
Nolan and I froze when we heard voices. We looked up and into the kitchen window. Dani’s mom was talking with the man from earlier. “That’s him,” I said softly. We
couldn’t understand what they were saying, but we could see everything. There were boxes scattered across the floor.
“It looks like they’re moving,” said Nolan.
My hand bumped into something with a pointy corner. “I found it!” I whispered. Without looking, I tucked it under my shirt for safekeeping.
Nolan tugged at my arm, and we ran almost all the way home. “Thanks for being my partner in crime,” I teased before taking off toward my grandma’s.