by Laurel Veil
♦ ♦ ♦
I was relieved when I woke from my stressful dream. I had been fighting my way out of a maze since I’d fallen asleep the night before. I wondered for a brief moment what Grandma was going to make for breakfast as I made my bed. When I remembered she wasn’t there, it was like running full speed into a wall. I caught my breath and somehow managed to get ready for school. No one would’ve said anything if I would’ve skipped, but what was I going to do, stay at home? Alone?
I started to make toast but realized I wasn’t hungry. Just then, I heard a noise from somewhere in the house. I knew it was only the house settling, but I grabbed my backpack and raced out the door.
What was taking him so long? I was feeling antsy as I waited for Nolan. With every minute that passed, the more panicked I became. Suddenly, it occurred to me that he wasn’t coming. My grandma had asked him to walk me to and from school, but she wasn’t here anymore. And besides that, they’d found Dani’s killer. He no longer needed to protect me. I screamed inside when I suddenly remembered that I’d told him that I loved him. Why did I do that? Oh my gosh—he never said it back! I scared him away! I felt so embarrassed, I took off before he came out of his house so I wouldn’t have to face him. He’d probably already left for school so he could avoid me. Why? Why did I say that? I knew why. I was exhausted and emotional about my grandma. I was scared and lonely. Surely, I could convince him that it was an accident, that I must’ve been delirious and didn’t mean it. But the thing was, I had meant it. And it hurt that he didn’t feel the same. Ugh. Where was I going to sit during lunch? I should’ve just stayed home. What was I thinking coming to school today? When I remembered I could go to the library and read during lunch I calmed down a little and made my way to my locker.
“We’re sorry about your grandma.” I turned and saw Riley.
“Yeah,” added Ava. “That really sucks. I heard she had a heart attack in her sleep.”
I nodded and went back to rummaging through my locker for my first-period book and binder.
“So, you live alone now, huh?” asked Riley.
“Yeah.”
“Anyway,” said Ava. “We thought you might want to sit with us today at lunch.”
“Yeah, we thought you might need someone to talk to,” Riley added.
Sitting with them did sound tempting. I would’ve rather been sitting out back behind the gym with Nolan, but that wasn’t going to happen.
“OK,” I said finally.
Their smiles seemed a little too big. It was suspicious. I decided to make things perfectly clear. “This doesn’t mean I’m going to the cemetery with you guys.”
“We know,” said Ava. “Besides, look at us.” She posed. “We’re all good now.” She was right. They looked as good as new. “We’re not into that stuff anymore.”
“It’s just lunch,” said Riley.
I saw Nolan watching us out of the corner of my eye. “See you at lunch,” I said. I closed my locker and took off into the current of people moving past my locker. I heard him call my name, but I was too fast.
♦ ♦ ♦
I couldn’t believe it when I heard myself laughing in the cafeteria. I’d been dreading lunch with Ava and Riley and had even considered not going. But here we were having a good time. They caught me up on the latest gossip and for a while, I forgot about what had been going on in my life.
“What’s his deal?” said Ava just before the bell rang to dismiss us.
I followed her eyes. She was talking about Nolan and he was looking at us.
“Don’t you know him, Noelle?” asked Riley.
“He’s my—neighbor.”
“Cute neighbor,” said Riley. I cut my eyes at her, but she didn’t see. She was too busy watching Nolan. She moaned. “Darn. Looks like I’ve got competition. Figures. He’s hot.”
Nolan was now talking with a girl who’d just walked up to him. Her ponytail swayed from side to side as she laughed. When he caught my eye, I looked away. “I’ve got to get to class,” I said as I snatched up my books and left.
“Noelle,” said Nolan as he tugged my elbow. “What’s your problem?” I couldn’t speak. I was too upset, and I knew if I did, I would start crying. “Why are you acting like this? And why were you sitting with them?” A tear managed to escape my eye and I brushed it away. “Where were you this morning? I waited so long for you before I realized you were already gone; I was late getting to school. Why didn’t you wait for me?”
“I—” I started to cry. Dammit. I knew I would.
“Everything was so good between us last night. What changed?”
“I waited for you, but you never showed. I thought you left without me. I thought you didn’t want to walk with me anymore.”
“What? Why? How could you ever think that?”
I felt my face start to burn with embarrassment.
“What is it?”
“You know,” I said.
“No. I really don’t.”
“Because of what I said. Last night. You didn’t say it back. I thought—”
The bell screeched. “You’re wrong.” I felt like an enormous weight was lifting off my heart. “We’re late. Go to class. Wait for me after school. OK?”
I nodded.
“I mean it, Noelle. Don’t leave without me.”
I felt so giddy I almost laughed.
♦ ♦ ♦
I was euphoric when I saw Nolan leaning against my locker. It was Friday and I couldn’t wait to spend the weekend with him. “Hey,” he said when I walked up.
“Hey.” I didn’t have any homework and I happily filed all my books and binders into my locker.
Noticing, Nolan said, “I don’t have any homework either.” Then without giving me a chance to protest or say something stupid, he took my hand and held it as we walked through school and out onto the sidewalk. It felt strange and wonderful. And no one else even noticed, much less cared.
“So, I have to do a few things for my mom around the house, but I’ll be over as soon as I’m done.”
“OK.” I bit my lip to keep my smile under control. I didn’t want to seem too eager.
“My dad already told me I could use his truck tonight. Maybe we could go on a real date?”
My smile broke free and I didn’t care. I was happy and it felt great.
I only ate a light snack when I got home in case Nolan and I decided to get something to eat. Just the thought made me feel bouncy and light. I turned on the radio and jumped in the shower. As I rinsed suds from my hair, I wondered what I’d wear.
I looked in my closet. There wasn’t much to choose from. I didn’t have a lot of clothes anyway, but with half of them here and half of them at my mom’s, I had even less. Suddenly, I was no longer able to focus on getting ready for my date. My thoughts took off on tangents. I was going to need a job, fast. I not only needed Coke now, I needed clothes. And food too! Thank God I’d helped Grandma with laundry and knew how to run her washing machine and dryer because now I was going to be doing it all by myself. Just then the lights flickered like they sometimes do before the air kicks on, which made me think—electricity. I was now going to have to pay the electric bill. I turned the radio up so I couldn’t think anymore.
Luckily, I found the green sweater that Nolan liked in a drawer. I knew he liked it because he always told me I looked nice when I wore it. I brushed out my hair and decided to let it air dry so that it would be wavy. I couldn’t believe how long it was getting. I was going to have to pay for the next haircut I got too. Maybe I’d let it grow until it touched the ground and then sell it to a wig maker. I wonder how much money I could get. I slipped on my jeans and loafers and went to watch TV in the den to pass time until Nolan showed up. I’d just started flipping through the channels when the doorbell rang. Butterflies tickled my stomach as I went to open the door.
“Hey!” said Ava and Riley at the same time. I was stunned to see them. They looked so out of place standing on my grandma’s front porch
. They’d never been there before or to my mom’s. I didn’t think they even knew where I lived.
“Well, are you going to let us in?” said Ava.
“Yeah,” said Riley. “It’s Friday! We’re ready to get the party started!” She pulled a small bottle of whiskey from her purse and gave it a quick shake.
It was only then that I noticed their sleeping bags. I didn’t want them here, and I could feel my night with Nolan slipping away the longer they stayed. Ava took a step forward. I almost stepped aside but didn’t. “No,” I said. I couldn’t believe I actually said it.
“Whattaya mean, no?” said Ava incredulously.
“I mean no. Sorry, but I don’t feel like a party. My grandma just died. We were really close. You guys don’t know that because—we’re not.”
“What good is having a house all to yourself if you’re not going to use it?” said Ava.
“Wait. Is that why you guys started talking to me again? You thought you were going to come over here and hang out whenever you felt like it?”
“We could have a lot of fun. Come on,” said Ava. “You’ve been through a lot. You need this more than us. We’re doing you a favor.”
“Sorry, not tonight.”
“Whatever,” said Ava.
They were more than disappointed—they were angry. I’d messed up their plans. They turned to go just as Nolan was walking up. It was obvious he’d put some effort into his appearance. I’d never seen the shirt he was wearing before. I could tell he was freshly showered by the dampness of the fringe of his hair. And I could just smell a hint of cologne in the air.
Ava’s and Riley’s eyes were as wide as their mouths as they turned and watched him come up the steps. They whispered to one another and then walked off giggling.
“Hey,” I said. I hoped he didn’t hear that I was nervous.
“Hey.” He grinned then turned to make sure Ava and Riley were out of earshot. “What did they want?”
“To use my grandma’s house.”
“And you told them no. I’m impressed.”
“Thanks. You like nice.”
“Thank you.” His eyes traveled down me. “I like your sweater.”
“I know.”
“How do you know?”
“Because you always tell me I look nice when I wear it.”
“Well . . . you always do.”
“I think I’m going to need you to take me to my mom’s pretty soon though. I’m running out of clothes.”
“Say when.”
“So where are we going on our date?”
He proffered his hand and I took it, and we walked to his dad’s truck.
♦ ♦ ♦
Nolan asked me what I was in the mood for. I wasn’t very hungry, so I wasn’t craving anything particular. What I wanted was to be alone with him. Somewhere quiet where we could talk. We wound up at a small diner in the next town over. We got a booth in the back corner and it couldn’t have been more perfect. Nolan ordered a hamburger and I was more than content to sit and watch him eat as I sipped on a mug of hot chocolate. It was the best time I’d had in a very long time.
After Nolan paid, we drove to a liquor store. “What are we doing here?” I asked.
“You’ll see. I’ll be back in a sec.” A moment later Nolan walked out with a tall stack of boxes.
“How much did you buy?”
He laughed. “They’re empty. They’re for your things.”
I enjoyed riding with Nolan. I was glad that we had a long drive home. In his truck, it was like we were the only two people in the world. I reached over and turned up the radio. “I like this song,” I said.
“Wait until you hear it coming through my new speakers. I’m saving up to buy a new sound system when my dad finally gives it to me.” He told me all about it for the next several miles. “So, it’s not late,” he said. “You want to go to your mom’s now and get your things?”
“Sure. Might as well get it over with.”
Nolan backed his truck into the driveway, and we walked to the door together. Through the window sheers, we could see movement in the den. It looked like my mom and Rick were kissing on the couch. “Puke,” I said under my breath.
Nolan chuckled then knocked forcefully on the door. The memory of my last encounter here with Rick kept tormenting me and made me want to run. A moment later, Rick opened the door. He didn’t seem so big now with Nolan beside me. “I’m getting Noelle’s stuff.” Wow! Nolan didn’t ask permission, he told Rick what he was doing. I was seriously impressed.
“Hurry up,” said Rick as he moved aside.
We carried the boxes inside, and I headed towards the den. “What are you doing?” Rick snapped.
Nolan whipped his head in Rick’s direction and Rick dropped the scowl on his face.
“I wanted to say something to my mom.”
“She’s in the shower.”
“I guess I won't then.” I walked to my room and Nolan followed close behind. “Let’s make this fast. I want to get out of here.”
Nolan set up the boxes and I pulled out my drawers one by one and dumped them. I grabbed a few books and the rest of my makeup that was scattered about my bathroom counter. I then opened my closet and took what was there, hangers and all.
As soon as we got the last box outside, we heard the lock click behind us. No goodbye or see you later, nothing. And of course, I never saw my mom.
♦ ♦ ♦
Nolan helped me carry the boxes to my room at my grandma’s. When the phone rang, I went to the den to answer it. When I didn’t recognize the number on Caller ID, I let the answering machine pick up. Nolan and I were surprised when it was my mom’s voice. “Hey hon, I just arrived in Phoenix.”
Nolan’s eyes were as wide as mine. I was so glad I hadn’t picked up.
“I’ll be here through the weekend.” She paused. “I-I was thinking, maybe we could go do something when I get back. Just the two of us. Anyway, talk to you later. Love you.”
“She never calls.” I sighed. “Of all times. And her message was so sweet.” I wished she hadn’t called, because now I felt bad for her and I didn’t want to. She didn’t deserve my pity. She’d never shown me any.
“Are you going to tell her?”
“I don’t know. She’s my mom. But—I don’t know.” Nolan gave me a sympathetic look, then his eyes slipped down to the end table. I knew he was looking at the clock that was sitting there between the phone and my grandma's address book. I dreaded what I knew was coming.
“I hate to say this, but I better head home before my mom comes over here.”
His words made me ache. “OK.”
I walked him to the porch, and we told each other good night. He’d just taken the last step down when I told him to wait. He turned around as I walked to the edge of the porch. I was taller than him for once, so I took a step down, so we were eye to eye. “Thanks for helping me.” He nodded. His eyes were now watching my mouth. “And thanks for taking me out. I had fun.” He leaned in and kissed me. His mouth lingered against mine and I felt myself melting. This. This was how a kiss was supposed to feel.
He pulled me to him. “Are you sure you don’t want to come home with me? I can tell my mom you’re scared.” He chuckled softly.
“It’s tempting. But, I better not.”
He kissed me one last time. “Go inside and lock the door. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I did as he said. It felt wonderful having someone care about me so much. I went to my room and emptied the boxes. Seeing my closet full and more of my things scattered about the room made me feel even more at home.
I stacked the empty boxes by the front door. I didn’t want to go outside in the dark. I would take them to the garage in the morning. On the way back to my room, I had the urge to go to my grandma’s room. I flipped on the light. I hadn’t gone in there since that day. I looked around taking everything in. A white envelope, leaning against a perfume bottle, caught my eye. Nolan’s mom must’ve put it
there when she made my grandma's bed.
I opened it. It was for me and it was from my grandma. My hands started to tremble, and I heard my grandma’s voice as I read her last words.
My Dearest Noelle,
If you’re reading this, then the vision I had was about me, and I am no longer with you.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you what I suspected, but I didn’t want to upset you. You’d already been through so much, and I didn’t want to needlessly add to your troubles if I was wrong. Anyway, I’m also sorry that I was so busy the last few days, but I wanted to make sure I got things prepared for you in my absence, just the way your grandpa had for me.