“Let him go awhile. He don’t like being penned up. Nothing likes being penned up.”
I walked over to her chair and took her shoulders in my hands. “You won’t be penned up, Klane. Over my dead body will they put you in a jail.”
Jimmy raised his eyes and looked from one of us to the other, then smiled and curled his head down into Klane’s chest. The cerebral cortex was going down again. It was losing water. Its messages were stuck on sleep. Sleep, it was saying. Sleep some more. Everything’s okay. There’s nothing to worry about. Nothing to fear.
Chapter
31
Of course I was pregnant. Nature doesn’t waste such weather, so much turbulence, so much heat. I was supposed to start menstruating on the Tuesday after Klane got out of jail. I didn’t start. I had been late exactly three times in my life. Once when I had pneumonia and twice when I was pregnant. All day Tuesday I walked around the house remembering something that happened the night I slept with Robert. The rubber had come off while he was fucking me. We had laughed about it because I was also wearing my diaphragm and some new contraceptive jelly. Besides, a long time had gone by since I had Jimmy and I had begun to get careless. Maybe it was possible to keep from getting pregnant. Maybe there was a way.
So I didn’t start on Tuesday and I didn’t start on Wednesday and Thursday I began to have all the other symptoms. I couldn’t smoke. I couldn’t sleep. I was urinating all the time. There was nowhere to go, nowhere to turn. I was pregnant and that was that. I was pregnant and I didn’t have the slightest idea whose baby it was. It was Robert’s or it was Malcolm’s. Either way I was not going to have it. There were abortionists somewhere in the United States of America and I would find one if it was the last thing I ever did in my life. I was not going to be cut open again for anything or anybody. I was going to live.
* * *
On Friday I didn’t start so on Friday afternoon I found Dr. Williams’s telephone number in my pocketbook and called him at his office and told him I had decided to take him up on meeting him for a drink.
“You have to take care of them for me,” I said to Klane. “I have to go and meet this doctor and get the name of an abortionist. I’m pregnant, Klane. I can’t stand it. You have to stay. You have to tell Malcolm a lie. Tell him I had to go talk to someone about a problem at the church. Tell him it’s about raising money for the new pews.”
“I’m here, Rhoda. You can count on me. Let me call my sister and tell her I’ll be late.”
Then I dressed up in my best silk dress and my best high-heel shoes and got into the old car and drove down to Dr. Williams’s office. “Come down here after office hours,” he had said. “Then we can go somewhere together.”
When I got to Dr. Williams’s office, he was waiting at the door and took me back to an examining room and took a seat on the table. I sat down in the chair and we began to gossip about people at the church.
“What I really came down here for was to ask you something,” I said. “Do you promise not to tell anyone I asked you?”
“Of course. Anything you tell me is confidential. I’m a physician.”
“Well, I think I’m pregnant and I want to get an abortion. I want you to tell me where to go.”
“Oh, Rhoda. It’s probably hysterical. Haven’t you been wearing your diaphragm?”
“Yes, but a rubber broke the other night and I’m five days late.”
“Wait a minute. I thought you were wearing the diaphragm.”
“I was wearing the diaphragm and we were using a rubber too.”
“You were using a rubber and a diaphragm?”
“I can’t stand to be pregnant. I can’t stand the idea of it. I’m scared to death of getting cut open again. I told you that the first time I came in here. Now it’s happened anyway. I’m five days late.”
“Five days isn’t much.”
“I’m never late. I’m usually a few days early. Besides, I think I am. I feel like I am.”
“You couldn’t have symptoms this soon. It’s probably hysterical. Come in tomorrow and bring a specimen and we’ll do a test.”
“No.” I had gotten up and was walking around the room. I opened the door to the hall. I walked out into the hall, then back into the room. “No, I know I am and I don’t want a test. I don’t want there to be a record of me being pregnant. Then if they find out they can put me in jail.”
“Oh, Rhoda.”
“Don’t patronize me. I’m too tired and scared for that. I want the name. Will you give me the name?”
He hesitated. He shook his head. He spread out his hands.
“I’ll fuck you if you’ll tell me. I know you want to fuck me. You’ve been wanting to fuck me ever since you met me. You want to every time I come to church. Sometimes I get dressed up and sit in front of you just to make you want me. Well, will you? Will you or not?” I had started unbuttoning my dress. My bra was showing and my slip. “Tell me the name and I’ll let you do it. I’ll do it so well you never will forget it.”
“Doctor Van Zandt,” he said. “In Houston, Texas. I’ll give you a phone number. He won’t hurt you. He does it the way it should be done.”
I unbuttoned the rest of my dress and let it slip to the floor.
Malcolm was standing in the carport with Klane beside him when I drove up. “Where have you been?” he asked. “It’s almost seven-thirty. Have you been drinking again?”
“No, I have not been drinking. I went to a meeting and then I went to talk the doctor into giving me some Antabuse. I told you I was going to quit drinking and I’m going to. I had to have some more tests made. They have to be sure I can take it before they give it to me.” I didn’t look at him. I just got out of the car still talking and I kept on talking. “Thanks for staying so late, Klane. What an afternoon. Did you get anything out for dinner?”
“I made you some fried chicken and a pan of biscuits. Well, I’m going on if you’re here.” She looked at me from under her eyebrows.
“Go on then. I’m sorry it took so long. I’m sorry I didn’t call you, Malcolm. Everything took longer than I thought it would. Besides, it’s still light. I lose track of time this time of year. Come on in. If you’ll watch them another minute while I change clothes, I’ll get dinner ready.” I swept by him into the house and went into the bathroom and pulled off all my clothes and grabbed a washcloth and washed off my body and stuck a tube of spermicide up my vagina and then put on some cutoffs and a loose shirt. I swept back into the kitchen and started setting the table and heating vegetables and getting out bread. I was pretending I was Derry Waters. I could do it all and do it all at once. I could cook and set the table and take care of babies and plan getting an abortion. I was Aphrodite and Athena and Diana. I was unstoppable and amazing and divine and I sure as hell wasn’t going to have any more babies no matter who they belonged to or what I had to do.
“Come on in and put them in their high chairs,” I called out to Malcolm. “I’m sorry you’re having to take care of them but come on in here and talk to me. Tell me what you did today. Tell me what’s going on at the plant.” He came into the kitchen with the boys. He was still suspicious but he didn’t know exactly what to be suspicious of. He knew I was up to something, but I was moving so fast it was throwing him off.
“Tell me about these tests you had done,” he began. “I thought they’d already done them.”
“They have to be very careful who they give that stuff to. It can kill someone if they use it wrong. I told you I wasn’t going to drink anymore and I mean it. I don’t care what I have to do. Don’t worry about how much it costs. Daddy will pay for it if he has to. Don’t worry about anything, Malcolm. It’s all going to be all right.” I put the platter of chicken on the table. I handed him a plate with green peas and carrots on it. “The biscuits will be ready in a minute. I know you’re starving. Go on and eat. I can get the babies in their chairs.”
“What if the tests don’t work? Couldn’t you just stop, Rhoda? Don’t you
have enough willpower just to quit?”
“I don’t want willpower. I want something that can’t fail.” I smiled at him, a great kind powerful Athena-like smile. “I want to keep my promises to you, that’s all I really want.
“I hope you mean that, Rhoda. God, I hope that’s so.”
As soon as Malcolm left for work the next morning, I put the babies in the car and drove home to Dunleith. I didn’t even leave a note. Mother knew something was wrong but she couldn’t figure it out and I wasn’t telling her. I unpacked the car and moved our things into my room. “What’s going on?” she kept asking. “Why did you decide to come home all of a sudden?”
“I’m tired. I’m worn out from everything that’s going on. They charged my maid with murder. They said she killed someone. I can’t talk about it now, Mother. I have to get some rest. I haven’t slept in days.” It was true. I was feeling terrible and I was so scared I hadn’t slept in days. As soon as the children were asleep I fell into a bed and slept until three in the morning. I woke up with moonlight coming in the window and went upstairs and found my father in the guest room and woke him up and told him to come downstairs.
“I’m pregnant, Daddy. I have to get an abortion. You have to help me. I’ll die if they keep cutting me open every year. I can’t do it again. I just can’t let them do it anymore.” I was sitting on the sofa in the den. He was sitting in the brocade armchair, wearing his pajama bottoms and a cotton T-shirt, his old outfielder’s body so strong and fine. I loved him so much. I was safe in his presence. He would not let me die. No matter what the world did, this man would save me. He would not let me die from anybody’s madness.
“Oh, Sister, give me a minute. Let me think.”
“There’s nothing to think about. I know the name of an abortionist. A doctor in Houston who will do it. My obstetrician told me the name. He’s a real doctor. But it costs five hundred dollars, Daddy. I’m sorry it will cost so much.”
“Don’t worry about that, honey. It doesn’t matter how much it costs. Just for God’s sake don’t tell your mother. Don’t tell her anything. Who’s this doctor you know about? What’s his name?”
“His name is Doctor Van Zandt. He’s a real doctor and my obstetrician said he wouldn’t kill me. I have to do this, Daddy. I can’t carry another baby. I can’t stand to be pregnant again. I’ll kill myself if you don’t help me.”
“Calm down, sugar. Don’t talk so loud. Of course I’ll help you. You’re my little girl. Go back to bed now. Go get some sleep. I’ll have this figured out by morning.”
“There’s nothing to figure out. We have to go down there and have him do it. Malcolm will kill me if he finds out I did it. He got me pregnant on purpose, Daddy. He did it to keep me from leaving him.”
“Oh, honey, please don’t tell me all of that. I can’t stand to hear all that. It doesn’t matter now. Just let me think a minute.” He put his head down into his hands. Oh, God, I thought, now he’s going to talk to God. “It’s not my fault,” I added. “He did it to me on purpose. He did it to keep me from leaving him.”
“All right, honey. You go back to bed now. In the morning I’ll call Uncle James and have him check on this doctor and then we’ll go there. Don’t worry about anything tonight. Go back to bed.”
“I could have a legal abortion but there isn’t time. You have to have three doctors sign the paper and Malcolm would find out and stop me. You’re going to do it, aren’t you? You’re going to help me?” I stood up. I was raising my voice.
“Be quiet, Sweet Sister. Just go to bed now. I’ll take you in the morning. No one’s going to make you have another baby.” He stood up beside me and patted me on the shoulder. He was worried to death. That was as close as I ever got to having him adore me. I wanted him to adore me. I adored him. Why couldn’t he adore me? Well, he was going to take me to get an abortion. That was as good as adoring me. It would suffice. It would do.
I walked on up the stairs and went into my room and got into my bed and went back to sleep. I was in my house. My mother and father were there. No one could harm me in any way.
In the morning we told my mother we were going to Kentucky to see Daddy’s coal mines and then we got into the car and drove to Nashville, Tennessee, and got on an airplane and flew to Houston, Texas.
A taxi took us from the airport to the new Hilton Hotel. A bellboy took us up to our rooms. Daddy had rented us a suite of rooms with a balcony overlooking the swimming pool. “Look here, Sister,” he said. “That’s part of the Olympic team. The manager said they were using the pool to work out in the afternoons. It’s an Olympic-sized pool. I want you to try it out later. I’ve always been sorry you didn’t keep up with your swimming. You could have been right out there with them. Well, that’s water under the bridge.” He sighed, walked back into the room and gave ten dollars to the bellboy and sat down on a chair. I felt terrible. Not only had I failed him by quitting swimming, I had gotten pregnant and was costing him all this money.
“I’d go swim now but I didn’t bring a bathing suit. I wish I had one with me.”
“Go buy one. There’s a gift shop down there.” He reached for his billfold and found a hundred-dollar bill and gave it to me. “Go get a suit and a robe to go over it. I’ll sit up here and watch you swim.”
“We have to call the doctor. We have to make an appointment. We have to make sure he’s there.”
“Uncle James is taking care of all that. I’ll call and check on it. You go on down and buy you a swimming suit.” So I took the money and went down on the elevator and found the gift shop. It was a beautiful little glassed-in area that smelled of cool perfumes and was presided over by an elegant woman with her hair up in a bun.
“I want a bathing suit,” I said. “Something really pretty.”
“Here’s the latest thing from the Caribbean.” She handed me a one-piece black maillot cut very low in the back. I slipped it on and stepped out to look in the mirror. It looked great. I might be pregnant but at least I still looked like a human being. While I was admiring myself in the mirror, the saleslady handed me a black-and-white beach robe and I put it on. “It’s the latest thing,” she said. “I sold one last week to Debbie Reynolds.”
“I’ll take it. I want to leave this on. Cut the price tags off.” She took my money and gave me change and found some scissors and cut the tags off the suit and robe and then I stuffed my clothes into a bag and walked out of the shop and down a hallway to the pool. I stepped out onto the blue-tiled patio. The Olympic team was just beginning to leave. I watched them gather up their things and put them in their bags. They looked so happy. So powerful and useful. I was a swimmer, I wanted to tell them. I can swim the five-hundred-yard freestyle in 6:53. I can swim the hundred-yard butterfly in 1:28. If I hadn’t quit I could have trained for the Olympics. I could swim with you.
I must have been staring at them because a boy in a pair of blue trunks walked over to me. “Do you need anything? Are you looking for us?” Two girls about my age were beside him. Their shoulders looked as powerful as my father’s. They were deeply tan. “Come on, Robbie,” the tallest one said. “We have to get back to the rooms.”
“No, I was only watching you,” I answered the boy. “It looks great. You looked like you were really swimming.”
“It’s a great pool. We’re lucky to have it in Houston.” He moved off with the girls. The rest of the team and their trainers left in groups. I looked up at the balcony. My father was leaning over it, watching me. I put the robe down on a beach chair and dove into the deep end and began to swim. I swam for an hour and then I went upstairs and we ate dinner and I fell asleep reading a book. Across the River and into the Trees by Ernest Hemingway. I turned to the place where I had stopped reading it that morning on the plane. “Then she came into the room, shining in her youth and tall striding beauty, and the carelessness the wind had made of her hair. She had pale, almost olive colored skin, a profile that could break your, or anyone else’s heart, and her dark hair,
of a thick texture, hung down over her shoulders.
“‘Hello, my great beauty,’ the Colonel said.”
* * *
When I woke the next morning, Daddy was dressed and talking on the phone to his mine foreman in Tennessee.
“I love you for doing this for me,” I said. “I’ll never forget that you did it.”
“Well, let’s just don’t talk too much about it, Sister. We’re going down there at ten o’clock and see the man. Look what’s in the newspaper. Those sapsuckers in Washington are crazy as loons. They’re fixing to drag us into a land war in Asia. Old Douglas MacArthur warned them about that, but nobody would listen to him. First Korea and now this mess in Vietnam.”
“Let me see.” I took the newspaper from him and pretended to be interested in the foreign news. He was always preaching to people about foreign affairs. “We ought to divide the world up with Russia,” he was always saying. “Let them boss half and we’ll boss the other half. That’s the way it’s going to end up anyway so we ought to go on and do it.”
At nine o’clock we got into a taxi and were driven through the streets of Houston. We went to a tall office building in the center of town and got out and went up on an elevator to a doctor’s office that looked like a hundred I had seen before. A waiting room with Currier and Ives prints on the wall and magazines on tables. My father went in and talked to the doctor, then they called me in and the three of us sat around a desk and the doctor asked me questions. He was a short nervous man with light-colored hair and a distracted smile.
“I’m getting a divorce anyway,” I said. “My husband forced me to make love to him. I’ve already had two cesareans. I can’t have any more. What would happen to my babies if I died? I hope you’re going to do this. I can’t tell you what it meant to me to get your name. I think you’re a real humanitarian to do this for people. I know people don’t understand that yet. But there will be a time when people know what a service you are doing for mankind.”
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