But I know this isn’t denial, I know she’s gone. This is me knowing I don’t have time to grieve, not allowing myself time to grieve. Not until I do what I need to.
Sure, I sent them out on that mission. But it’s the people in that bunker who change her, they’re the ones that ruined her. They’ve taken everything from me. Now it’s my turn to take everything from them.
Shark comes over to me. We stand side by side, our eyes on the ground.
“Are you doing okay?” he asks.
“I don’t think I’ve decided yet.” I reply. “I’m not really sad, just here. Ya know.”
“I understand.” he says, his hand finds mine.
“Do you?”
“I think so, but do you wanna talk about it?”
“No, it doesn’t matter.” I sigh.
“It does matter.” he argues. “Kat meant a lot to all of us.”
“I’m kind of jealous.” I admit numbly. “Like on one hand, I feel responsible and I know that was the worst possible way for that to end. I want to go back in time and save her. But on the other hand, I just wish I was dead too. I feel like she did the right thing.”
“So…we should all just commit suicide now?” His tone changes.
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“It sounds like it. What happened to you Scarlet? When you first got here, you were all about hope. All optimistic and crap. Now you’re all doom, all the time. You’re never here and when you are, it doesn’t seem like you are. And now, your friend, shoots herself in the head and instead of being upset, you just decided it was a good plan and you wanna do it too?”
“Kat was full of hope too, and look how that ended. Hope isn’t everything Shark.”
“Since when?” he says quietly, his eyes on the ground. “What’s going on with you? Even before today, you’ve been acting shady. I want to know what’s going on.” He suddenly begins to yell. The others are startled, but they don’t stop to watch.
“So, you’re just going to yell at me in the middle of her funeral. Now’s not the time.”
“Oh, now you care about respecting her. This morning wasn’t the time to run off and do whatever the hell you do when you disappear, but you did it anyway.”
“Oh my gosh.” I exhale.
“I don’t want this to happen to you.” He points at the grave. “I’m really scared that it will.”
“Well, don’t be.” I snap. “Just don’t” I look at him, knowing that I’ve hurt him.
“Scarlet?” He squeezes my hands.
“You’re leaving anyway. Why bother caring about me?”
“Just tell me.”
“What?”
“Where do you go?” he asks. “Do I need to be worried about you?”
“No.” I shake my head. Although I know that he should be worried. I’m worried about me. “I was just in one of the other houses, hiding from everything. It’s nothing to worry about.”
“I guess I understand.”
Alec calls Shark over to help refill the hole.
“Will you be alright?” He checks before leaving me.
“Yeah, I’ll be alright.”
“I love you.” He smiles at me.
“I know.” I force a smile. “I love you too.”
I watch as he joins Alec and Kevin and begins to push dirt back into the grave.
After a couple minutes of watching, I make my way back to finish everything up.
I spend my night packing Evans notes and blueprints and maps. Before I know it, the sun is rising in the sky. I frantically pack the bomb into a backpack, crossing my fingers that it does what it’s meant to do. I walk quickly towards our house, hoping to make it back before Alec wakes up. I want to avoid the questions and suspicions.
I open the door slowly, trying to not make too much noise, and there he is, standing with his arms crossed over his chest. I feel my heart climb to my throat.
“Where have you been?” he asks. I can hear him attempting to swallow his anger.
“I just…” I got nothing. No excuses. No cover story. I shrug.
“I’ve been waiting up for you all damn night Scarlet.” He practically shouts, “I was so worried you-” He cuts himself off.
“I what? Killed myself?” I readjust the backpack on my shoulders in discomfort. “I’m not Kat, or you. I’m not just going to self destruct like that. I have things to do. I’m not gonna shoot myself.”
“After Shark told me what you said to him at the burial. I was just worried about you.” He sighs. “I’m worried somebody else is going to snap and you haven’t exactly been acting normal. You’ve been acting really weird actually.” He raises his eyebrows.
I practically choke, my heart still stuck in my throat. What will I say if he asks? I have no lies stored up for this anymore, but he can’t know. He’ll stop me, and I need to do this, for Kat.
“Where…” here it comes “Where have you been?” The dreaded question, so simple, so destructive. “Were you in the house again? What have you been doing?”
I have no answer. I open my mouth, but the words can’t make their way out.
“Where have you been!” he shouts, throwing his arms up. Frustration is shown on his face. “You never sleep, you’re never here during mealtime, or anytime anymore. You’re the one who told us we needed to do all this crap, and you aren’t even here.”
“Like you are!” I shout back.
“I’m here more than you are.” He narrows his eyes. I sigh and reach my hand behind me to the smallest pocket on my backpack. I unzip it slowly and pull out one of Evan’s maps.
“This is where that bunker they found is. I think.” I tell him, unfolding the map and pointing to the red circle where I’m guessing the bunker is. “I need to see it.” I say. “I just feel like there’s something there.”
“You’ve been disappearing for weeks because you were studying a map?”
“More or less.”
“You left Kat’s funeral to study the same map you’ve been studying for weeks?”
I don’t reply.
“What else is in the bag?” He asks. My heart begins to beat faster.
“Just some supplies.” I lie.
“Let me see.” He orders. I step back. What do I do? He’s gonna kill me.
“You don’t trust me?”
“I’ll trust you when you stop acting like Evan.”
Slowly I pull the bag off my shoulders, holding my breath. I hold the bag out and wait for him to take it. I know I’ve been too suspicious for him to just let this go.
“Scarlet!” Shark calls to me as he comes down the stairs. I’m grateful for the interruption. Although I’m sure he’s not very happy with me either.
“What’s going on?” He comes all the way into the room. I put the bag back on while Alec is looking towards Shark.
“I just got back from looking for supplies.” I tell him, more confident this time than I was when I lied to Alec. “I was going to go look for that bunker.”
“Why didn’t you just say that?” Alec mumbles. The expression he wears on his face is one of annoyance. Whether he’s annoyed with me or Shark I can’t tell. He eyeballs the backpack, but doesn’t ask to see it again.
“I did.” I reply.
“Why do you want to go there?” Shark has now positioned himself between Alec and I.
“I just need to see it.” That’s the best I can do.
“So let’s go then.” Alec shrugs. I hope my face doesn’t reveal how shocked I am. “I don’t want to stay here anyway.” His eyes fill with sadness for a moment before he blinks it away.
“Now?” I ask. Kind of hoping we can leave now.
“Sure, let’s get everyone up and packed. I want to know what exactly did this to Kat.” He growls. Shark looks like he wants to strangle Alec for giving into me that quickly.
“You know guys, I really don’t think that’s a good idea.” Shark says.
Alec and I stare at him.
“I
just…” He’s trying to find what he wants to say.
“Why not?” I ask.
“I’m just saying, we’ve been safe here. There’s no need to go anywhere else.”
“You’re the one who wanted to leave.” I try not to raise my voice.
“I don’t want to leave. I had something I needed to do, but in case you didn’t notice I stayed. For you.” He yells at me.
I look at Alec, who once again is confused by the never ending drama.
“You were planning to leave?” Alec turns his attention to Shark. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think he was hurt that Shark didn’t tell him.
“I still am.” Shark admits.
“Still?” I feel my eyes grow wide in shock.
“What happened to you telling us we should stay here two seconds ago? If you need to go that bad, why don’t we just go with you?”
“You can’t come.” He’s trying so hard not to fight right now.
“Why not?”
“When did you people start acting so shady?” I hear Alec mumble but I’m so engaged with Shark it barely registers.
“I’m sorry. I wish I could explain it all but I can’t.”
There it is again. His wall.
After he says that, he changes. He’s not pleading with me anymore. He’s shut himself off.
“Shark…” What do I do? What do I say?
“Just let it go Scarlet.” he says, his tone flat. A chill crawls up my spine. “I’m leaving.”
“Fine. Then so am I.” I cross my arms over my chest.
“You can’t.”
“I’ll go get the girls.” I ignore him and run up the stairs past the boys.
Ally and Reese are sound asleep, I’m not careful about opening the door.
“Guys, get up.” I say, not sure if that will work.
I poke Ally, she moans and rolls over to her other side.
“Get up. We have stuff to do.” Her eyes open and she sits up. I try to smile at her.
“Scarlet, why are you waking me up so early?” she grumbles.
“We need to pack up, we’re leaving.” I tell her. Reese is starting to wake up now too.
“Seriously? Now you want to decide that all of us are going to just leave? Right after Kat died?” I didn’t think she’d be upset about it. Why is everyone so mad at me? “You want to forget her because you know it was your fault.” She finishes, her eyes are filled with hatred.
“I’m sorry…” I apologize, what else am I supposed to say. Guilt rests in my stomach again. I turn to see Shark standing in the doorway. My face grows hot, and probably very red. I try to get past him to get into the hallway but I can’t.
“What? Are you mad at me too?” I ask. I begin to shake.
“No, not about Kat at least.” he says, his voice calm. His hands find my shoulders. He steadies me. Somehow his temper has already subsided. He’s no longer hardened. I turn to look at Ally and Reese.
“I didn’t pull the trigger.” I say. My eyes pleading with Ally. “I didn’t kill Kat, it was her choice and if I had known that sending her out there would’ve ended like this, I wouldn’t have done it. But I didn’t know. I couldn’t have known.” I’m not sure if I’m talking to Ally or myself now.
Ally stares blankly at me, speechless. Kevin is now standing in the hallway.
“You guys don’t have to come.” My voice is steady now. “But I’m leaving tomorrow.” I finish, squeezing in between the door frame and Shark and escaping into the hall.
Kevin and I make eye contact for half a second. He looks upset, but not with me. Shark follows me down the stairs, I pass Alec, who was probably listening from the bottom step.
“I’m tired of this.” I say as I keep walking.
“Would you just stop for a second and tell me what’s going on with you?” Shark asks. Already he’s back to being himself. How does he do that? How does he care and then just stop caring like that?
“Why are you so sure we need to leave all of the sudden?”
I sigh and stop walking.
“You want to know what’s going on with me? In the last few months I have seen more dead people than anyone should ever have to see in their entire life and I lost another person. I lost someone that I loved, again. Kat just killed herself. I need to know why.” I vent. “And I don’t want you to leave me, not now. I’ve lost so many people already Shark. I don’t understand anything right now and I need you to come with me to this bunker.”
“It isn’t safe.”
“I don’t care!” I shout. “I don’t need it to be safe, I just need it to be real.”
Shark gives me a look of pity. I turn and walk closer to him. I don’t think he needs me to tell him how broken I feel right now, like shattered glass covering the floor. He knows. “You’ll be okay.” he whispers. I begin to cry a little, and then it turns into sobbing and my body becomes jelly. I’ve gotten too used to this feeling. Too used to feeling sad and exhausted and broken. I look at him.
“And what if I’m not? What if none of us are ever okay again?”
“You will be. We’ll make it through this.”
“I almost hope we don’t.” I reply. “I’m gonna go pack.”
I leave Shark standing there, frustrated and angry. I’ve been doing that a lot lately.
10
Chapter 10
The evening passed by quickly, I hardly slept. Today is the day we abandon our safe haven. It’s still early, but I want to see it all in case I don’t come back. I walk to the field. There are squirrels are playing by the creek. I think about how oblivious they must be to be so cheerful. It’s interesting how optimistic the world seems to be when it’s so obviously falling apart.
“You alright?” Alec comes up behind me. He startles me a little bit. “I followed you from the house.” He admits, scratching the back of his neck.
“Sadder than I thought I would be.” I tell him. “This place has grown on me.”
“Yeah, but a new adventure would be good for us.” He smiles. “We did good with this place, but there’s nothing left for us here now.”
“We’re safe here.” I say, I pinch my lips together and think. “But I just need to do this.”
“Come on, Ally has breakfast ready. You need to actually eat today.”
I glance at the field again and take a deep breath.
“Yeah, I’m coming.” I smile, genuinely for once.
“They all hate me ya know.” I say as we’re walking to the house.
“They don’t hate you. They’re just grieving.” he replies.
“They blame me for Kat.” I frown.
“You didn’t get Kat killed.” he says “They just need to blame somebody for it. They’ll get over it.” We climb up the stairs to the porch and make our way to the table where it looks like Ally is just starting to serve breakfast. I avoid eye contact with everyone as I sit at the end of the table. I wonder if they’ve decided to come with me or not. Will they still follow my lead even though they hate me?
Kevin clears his throat as if trying to get somebody’s attention, I ignore it.
“Scarlet.” He chokes out a whisper. “I’m sorry.”
I’m surprised.
“Thanks.” I reply. I look at Alec, suspicious that he might have encouraged this. He doesn’t notice me looking at him.
“We’re gonna come with you to the bunker.” he says, his eyes scanning the room, everyone else nods. “We’ll follow wherever you go.”
“I’m glad to hear it.” I smile. “I want you guys by my side.” Even though I’ll probably get the rest of us killed. I think. “We’ll head out after lunch I’m thinking. I think I packed everything we’ll need last night.” I nod to the few bags plopped on the ground by the door.
“Sounds good to me, I’ll make some meals to pack.” Ally replies. I’m relieved that they seem to have forgiven me. I’m just scared I’ll end up getting them hurt.
After breakfast, I choose to go out to Kat’s grave.
/> “Well Kat.” I begin. “Here we go, a new adventure.” I finally feel it. That mourning, that sadness I wasn’t sure would ever hit.
“Wish you were coming, you would make it so much brighter.” I sniffle “You were always good at making times like these brighter. I’m really sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t here. I’m sorry I couldn’t help you.” I wrap my arms around myself. I tremble and cry. “I’m gonna fix this Kat. I’m gonna fix it all.” I promise. I sit down in the grass by her grave and cry. I didn’t think it would hit this hard. I didn’t know I’d miss her this much.
“I’m so sorry.” I repeat over and over. I just wish I could bring her back and tell her how sorry I am. I wish I could hear her. I wish I could hug her. I feel bad for leaving her here. I don’t want to leave her behind, all alone, she hated being alone.
A sudden breeze blows through, rustling the leaves and the flowers. I know it’s stupid to believe in signs from people who’ve died, but if I’m going to get through this I have to believe she was forgiving me. I have to, or I might as well join her down there.
I stand up, wiping my eyes and brushing my pants off. “I might see you soon depending on how this goes.” I tell her. “I don’t want to leave them, but I have a plan and if it goes how I want. I don’t think I’ll be here much longer.” I frown.
That’s the first time I’ve admitted that to myself. That I could die and the chance is pretty high.
“Why’d you do it Kat?” I sob. “I need you here. You made the days so much more bearable and now I just don’t want to be here either. Why couldn’t you wait it out?”
I sigh and walk away, leaving my tears at her grave.
I pass Ally as she walks towards the grave, we shoot each other a pitiful smile. Ally’s taking this really hard, she’s been quiet ever since. Of course it was just a day ago, but I can tell this will affect her and Kevin more than the rest of us.
Alone Page 9