by Katy Cannon
“I wrote the last one, didn’t I?” I shot back, ignoring the voice at the back of my head that reminded me that it had been Gran’s story, pulled from her files, complete with characters and setting and conflict.
This one was all me. My romance. And that was why I was failing.
“Then suck it up and write this one, too,” he said. “Write the book, take the insta-glory, ride on your gran’s celebrity and never worry about having to make it on your own. Sounds perfect for you – and for Zach. I bet he just loves your family, doesn’t he?”
“Yeah. So?” I wouldn’t admit to the unease I already felt about that.
“Of course he does,” Drew said, a mocking smile on his lips. “They’ll be his latest attempt at cheating his way to the big time.”
“Cheating his— What does that even mean?”
“He hasn’t told you all about his adventures in reality TV? I can’t believe that.” Drew scoffed.
“The Real Star School? Sure. I’ve seen some of it.”
“You should watch it again. And maybe look a little closer this time. See whose coat-tails he rode in on – and who he screwed over the minute he didn’t need her any more.”
“I don’t understand,” I said but Drew wasn’t listening to me.
“Although maybe you’re OK with that,” he went on. “Maybe you’re planning on doing exactly the same thing.” He shook his head. “And to think I was worried that he’d use you, too.”
Snatching his bag up from the table, he headed for the door, leaving me with even more questions than I’d started with.
And still no idea what to write about.
Statistics can be helpful when trying to make important decisions. Falling in love might be the biggest decision many of us ever make, so it makes sense to have the facts at hand.
So, here are a few of my favourite statistics about love.
(Try not to get too disheartened.)
The Probability of Love (2015), Professor Rory Frost
I was, understandably I think, in a pretty foul mood by the time I got home.
Gran, however, was back to her sparkling normal self, for a change.
“Darling! You’re home! And just in time, too. I have something fabulous to show you.”
I managed a half smile, honestly glad to see her happy again. I’d worried that our latest argument might have dented our relationship. Of course, now I was worried about whether she remembered what we’d been arguing about. Or even that we argued at all.
“Come on upstairs,” Gran said. “I had Zach put it in your bedroom.”
“Zach?” That wasn’t as reassuring as it could be. After Drew’s cryptic warning, anything that involved Gran and Zach working together was enough to make me a little suspicious.
“Oh yes, it was all his idea. Such a charming boy.”
“He is that,” I agreed. Only suddenly I wasn’t so sure that was a good thing.
“Ta da!” Gran threw open my bedroom door and let me walk in ahead of her.
I stopped just inside the door.
There, hanging off the front of my wardrobe, was the dress.
Zach’s dress.
Still bright pink, the ruffles even more hideous, somehow, in my room than they had been on the rack. On the floor were a pair of black and pink zebra striped heels. And perched on the corner of the wardrobe door, a matching pink and black fascinator.
“For the Gala Dinner!” Gran said, obviously delighted with the ensemble. “Isn’t it perfect?”
“It’s very … pink.” Really, what else was there to say about it?
“Zach said you loved the colour.” Apparently Zach had no idea what I loved.
“Are you sure it’s not a bit over the top?” I asked diplomatically. “I mean, I wouldn’t want to outshine the winner of the Lifetime Achievement Award.” I smiled to show I was joking (even though I wasn’t really) but Gran’s expression turned sour all the same.
“You don’t like it, do you?”
“I’m just not sure it’s very … me.” And I couldn’t help but think that last year, or three years ago, or whenever, Gran would have known that. Even the dress she picked for the Queen Beas Afternoon Tea was better than this pink, ruffled monstrosity of a dress.
“Zach chose this specially for you. I hope you show more appreciation to him when you see him next, or really, I don’t know what he sees in you.”
My eyes widened. That wasn’t my gran. It just wasn’t. My gran wouldn’t say something awful like that to me.
“I’m sorry, Gran. It’s a … very distinctive dress. Of course I’ll wear it to the Gala Dinner.” I’d have to, wouldn’t I, if Zach was there? I couldn’t very well not wear the dress he and Gran had chosen specially.
However much I hated it.
“That’s my good girl.” Gran stopped pacing and pressed a powdery kiss to my cheek. “You’re such a good girl, really.”
With a last, fluttering wave, Gran disappeared down the hallway to her study, leaving me alone with the Dress From Hell.
How could Zach truly believe I’d love this dress? How could Gran?
Or maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised. I’d worked so hard at convincing Zach that I was the girl he’d want to date – granddaughter of a celebrity, a challenge, a perfect girlfriend – should I be shocked that he didn’t seem to know me at all? At the start, every conversation we’d had, I’d planned in advance or stumbled over my words. I’d cast him as the romantic hero and myself as the heroine – and made us both play those parts. And even now, our conversations never seemed to flow right, both of us always missing the point of what the other was trying to say. Like we were both starring in our own stories, only they weren’t happening in the same book.
Zach had fallen for the character I’d written in my head, not the real Tilly.
And suddenly, I desperately wanted to be myself again. Not Zach’s girlfriend, not Gran’s legacy, just Tilly.
I sank on to the bed and glared at the dress for a while, before remembering that there was something else I’d meant to do when I got home, besides being blinded by bright pink ruffles and terrible revelations.
Pulling my laptop from my bag, I opened up a browser window and searched for The Real Star School again.
The first video that came up was Zach’s first appearance on the show, singing a duet with his pretty, blond, guitar-playing ex-girlfriend. I frowned. This time round, there was something familiar about her.
I paused the video but couldn’t get a good look at the girl’s face. Why couldn’t I shake the feeling that I knew her? She also clearly had twice Zach’s talent, but as the show segued into the interview portion, only Zach was filmed answering questions. Occasionally you’d see the girl in the background, playing her guitar, hiding her face behind her long, blond hair. But that was it.
I checked a few more videos, but just as I remembered from my first viewing, by episode three or four Zach’s ex had disappeared entirely.
Look a little closer, Drew had said, so I clicked back to the first video and did just that.
Suddenly it clicked. Her hair was shorter now, but she still used it to hide her face. But it was her voice, as I turned up the volume, which gave her away completely.
I fast-forwarded to the credits, just to be sure, and there it was. Underneath Zach’s name, another that shouldn’t have been familiar, but it was.
Eleanor Richards.
My breath caught in my throat. Eleanor. Drew’s step-sister. It had to be. Why had he never said she was on Star School? Why had Zach never told me he knew Drew’s step-sister? And most importantly, what had happened to her after episode three?
It took minimal searching online to find the whole, awful story. How Eleanor had been the one picked for the show and a place at the school – picked out of an audition crowd of thousands – and how her boyfriend at the time (Zach, of course) had managed to wangle his way in on her talent. Except once the show started filming, it turned out they were far less interes
ted in musical talent than in ‘personalities’. Which Zach had plenty of.
The show had dropped Eleanor within weeks, putting her place at the school at risk. But they kept Zach, despite his lack of real, stand-out talent.
I let out a long breath as I slumped back in my chair. Well. This explained Drew’s animosity towards Zach – and towards me, too. As far as he was concerned, I was just another talentless hack trading in on someone else’s hard work and talent.
And as for Zach … I glared up at the hideous dress again. Could he have picked a more obvious ‘look at us’ outfit? And if he thought he was going to be on my arm while I was wearing it, he was going to have to think again.
Had he just dated me for my family? And if he had … was that so different to what I’d done, dating him to try and find romance so I could write about it? Maybe not. Maybe that made us more or less even.
But that wasn’t the case for Eleanor. And that changed things somehow.
I was about to shut down my laptop, when another image – a link to a different news article – caught my eye. I wouldn’t have known who the man kissing the vibrant redhead in the shot was if it wasn’t for the caption – his face was obscured by the much more famous and recognizable hair of Caitlin Sawyer, the star of the Aurora TV show.
But the caption underneath made it painfully clear.
Aurora star spotted in London love clinch with director Edward Flowers.
My chest tight, I clicked on the link, checking the date stamp before I read on. But there was no doubt it was a current story. The first line of the article read: What will Bea say?
I read the full article, my heart in my throat the whole time. Then, slowly, I closed my laptop, the words already burned into my brain.
Gran couldn’t have seen this yet. But she would, soon enough.
And then all hell really would break loose.
I was right: by the time I made it to the breakfast table the next morning, everyone had seen the photo.
“Your gran was throwing things in the conservatory, last time I checked,” Mum said tiredly, as she fed the twins their breakfast. “I thought it best to leave her to it.”
I took over coaxing Finn to eat his cereal without throwing Cheerios all over the floor and let Mum deal with Freddie – who promptly upended his bowl on to the table. The twins might still believe food was more of a toy than fuel but helping feed them was still preferable to dealing with Gran right then.
“More cereal!” Freddie yelled, and Finn bashed his spoon on the table in agreement.
Across the kitchen, Dad was on the phone, glaring at the counter so hard I thought it might spontaneously burst into flames.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Edward,” he said, and the attempts at laser beam eyes made sense. “Fine. But if she won’t see you… Fine.” He stabbed at the phone with his finger and hung up.
“He’s coming over?” Mum asked.
Dad nodded. “After lunch.”
“Well, he’d better have some seriously good explanations at the ready.” Gran’s voice echoed in from the hall and when we all looked, we saw her dressed in her most severe grey skirt suit and a bright turquoise hat that almost filled the doorway.
Gran meant business. I almost felt sorry for Edward. (But not really.)
“Do you think I can escape for a bit?” I murmured to Mum a little later, after I’d showered and dressed. It was Saturday, the first day of the half-term holiday. And I needed to talk to Zach.
“If I were you, I’d go quick,” Mum whispered back. “No need for everyone to be miserable today.”
I gave her a weak smile. I had a feeling that today wouldn’t be fun wherever I was.
“Tilly?” Mum called after me as I headed for the door. “Bring supplies when you come back.”
“Cakes from the Hot Cup?” I suggested.
“Perfect.”
I’d texted Zach first thing, asking him to meet me in town at the Hot Cup, but as I walked in I realized I didn’t want to have this conversation with him in public.
I didn’t want to break up with my first boyfriend in the place he’d first taken me, looking at that table in the window where I’d poured iced coffee from a teapot. I didn’t want the good memories tainted by the bad ones.
But I knew I had to end things with Zach. Not because of what happened with him and Eleanor, or even because of what happened with Drew and me. But because this wasn’t the romance I’d been searching for.
Zach was probably someone’s romantic hero. He just wasn’t mine.
And I wasn’t his heroine either.
I caught him just as he was about to head into the Hot Cup and for a moment I was struck again by just how good looking he was. His smile was as bright as ever and only faded when he saw the look on my face.
“Could we … can we go somewhere else?” I asked, holding on to his arm. “To talk?”
Zach looked at me for a moment. Then he said, “How about a walk along the river?”
“Perfect.”
Spring was almost summer now, and with it being the May bank holiday weekend, the park that ran along the river was full of families and couples and people walking dogs or running. Zach waved to a couple of guys from school but otherwise we didn’t see too many people we knew, which was good.
“I saw the news about Edward this morning,” Zach said as we walked. “How’s your gran?”
I winced. “In revenge mode.”
“Ah.”
“Yeah.” This was it. This was my opening. “Zach … I have something I need to tell you.”
“You’re breaking up with me,” Zach shrugged. “I kind of guessed.”
“How?” I asked, blinking.
“Tilly … this wasn’t ever really going to work, was it. I mean I’m not even sure you like me all that much.”
“I do … well, I did.” I thought of the videos I’d watched of his pushing Eleanor’s contribution to the music aside to focus on his own. “Tell me the truth, though. Was it me you really liked or the fact that my family are famous?” All those conversations with Edward at the dinner table, talking about the Aurora show, that must have been heaven for a wannabe TV star like Zach.
“Both, I guess.” Zach gave me a sheepish smile. “I did like you, Tilly. You were a challenge. A puzzle to solve. But … it’s not there between us, is it?”
A flash of the kiss I’d shared with Drew, so different to the one I’d had with Zach, flew into my mind. “No. No, it’s not.”
“I suppose I figured it was worth sticking with it anyway,” Zach said. “I mean, we get along OK and Edward Flowers is going to be your step-granddad…”
“Not any more,” I said, remembering Gran’s furious face that morning.
“I guess not.” Zach tilted his head as he looked down at me. “Tell me. Is there someone else?”
“Not exactly.” I could feel the heat hitting my face as I said it. “I … I kissed someone. I’m so sorry.”
Hang on. Was Zach blushing, too? “Um, so did I.”
“Who?” I asked, curious. I thought back over all the girls I’d seen him talk to over the last few months. I’d put my money on Maisey Swain.
“Does it matter?” Zach said, and I figured it didn’t. Not now. Besides, if he told me, I’d have to tell him mine was Drew, which I really didn’t want to do, now I knew a bit of their history. “The point is … neither of us were really in this after the start.”
Thinking of all our failed attempts at romantic dates, I had to stifle a laugh. “You realize our best date was the one that wasn’t a date.”
“The study date at the Hot Cup?”
I nodded. “It was kind of downhill after that.”
“It was.”
We stood in the shadow of an old tree, right on the edge of the river and just looked at each other for a while.
This was it. My first relationship was over and I never even got to the Happy Ever After. I didn’t even have a date for the Literary Festival Ga
la Dinner.
In Gran’s books, this was always the Black Moment – the point of no return, where everything seemed utterly doomed and the hero and heroine were wrecked, unable to see a way back. But they always did, of course, eventually.
It wasn’t going to be like that for me and Zach, though. There wasn’t enough between us to bother fighting for. Neither of us were who the other thought or who we wanted them to be. Zach wanted a girlfriend he could show off like some sort of victory and I wanted a perfect romance hero who’d never put a foot wrong. Instead, he got me – who’d rather be lost in a good book than showing off – and I got him – who cared more about being the star of the show than romance.
It would never have worked out.
We walked back towards the town together, and said goodbye with a hug (no kiss) outside the Hot Cup. Then I went inside to buy cakes for Mum.
My romance might be over but life went on.
“You look incredible.” Tomasz stared as Eva did a small twirl, the skirt of her dress rising up just a little. “I hope Will knows how lucky he is.”
Eva’s smile faded. “I think sometimes that none of us realize how lucky we are. Until we aren’t, any more.”
Ten Things I Never Knew About Love (first draft), Matilda Frost
Gran dumped Edward, of course, and his job security on the Aurora show was looking tenuous. The papers were unanimously on her side. There were countless photos of Gran looking fragile but fabulous over the next couple of weeks and more than a few of Edward looking decidedly unattractive. It helped that Caitlin Sawyer, the actor he’d been kissing, had apparently already moved on to a Hollywood A-Lister.
Gran was rapidly approaching National Treasure status and she was in her element, playing up the betrayed-but-not-bowed woman role. But her occasional lapses and her mood swings were growing ever more obvious, now I knew what I was looking for, and we were all walking on eggshells around her at home. Even if I hadn’t been worried about her mind, I’d still have known better than to bother her about the book right now.
I might not have found a way to the Happy Ever After with Zach but I still had to finish the book. For Gran. And for myself.