by Nic Saint
She patted down her fur, gave herself a quick once-over, took a deep breath, and emerged from her stakeout place behind the fire hydrant and sashayed into the road.
“Harriet!” Brutus cried, and she quickly glanced back, only to see him hold up two paws and give her an encouraging grin. She ignored him. Soon Brutus would be a thing of the past, as would Max and Dooley and all her other friends. A slight pang of regret niggled at the back of her mind, but she ignored it. Onwards and upwards! The grand life awaited!
The limo crawled to a stop in front of her and the door opened, light spilling out into the street. And then she saw him. Limo Cat. Love Symbol. He was everything Shanille had promised and more. Orange, butch, his fur shiny and gleaming in the dome light, slate gray eyes sparkling and bright, he displayed the kind of grin that seemed oddly familiar. He was also wearing a mask, which covered half the acreage of his noble and handsome visage.
“Hey, beautiful”, he said, his voice a purr.
“Oh, hey, there,” she said, as if his arrival had caught her by surprise.
“Fancy a ride in my fancy car?” he asked, gesturing at the limo’s butter-colored leather interior.
She couldn’t see the driver, but Love Symbol was all alone in the plush back section, which told her he was the one in charge of the proceedings, the stretch limo all his.
“Sure,” she said. “Why not?” She knew time was of the essence here, as Brutus and the others were ready to pounce on Limo Cat. Her plan had been to hop into the limo the first chance she got, and tell Love Symbol to hit the gas and get out of there. Now that she was face to face with the cat, though, a sudden doubt seemed to cripple her.
“Hop in,” he said. “You look like the kind of cat who likes to have a good time. And guess what? I’m the kind of cat who likes to show cats like you a good time. Heh heh.”
She frowned. Once again the thought that this cat seemed awfully familiar assailed her. “Have we met?” she asked.
He laughed. “Oh, honey, if we had I would remember. A beauty like you?”
She smiled. “You think I’m beautiful?”
“I think you’re gorgeous. In fact I think you’re probably the most gorgeous cat I’ve ever met. I can’t wait to get better acquainted.”
She decided to take the leap. A cat who appreciated beauty like this couldn’t be bad. It showed the kind of depth of character and sophistication she’d been looking for. He might have a private dungeon back home and turn out to be Christian Grey’s cat but who cared? Christian was a billionaire, right? He owned a private jet, didn’t he? So she hopped into the limo and as she did something hopped from Love Symbol’s fur onto her and she yelped.
“A flea!” she cried. “You’ve got fleas!”
“No, I don’t,” said Love Symbol bluntly.
“Your flea just jumped on me!”
He grinned a lascivious grin and leaned in. “Is that an invitation?”
“Get away from me, you freak!” She started to crawl back out of the car.
His smile vanished and he yanked off his mask. “Cut the crap, Harriet. You know you want this as much as I do. Now get your pretty little tush back in here and we’ll dance the vertical mambo just the way we used to.”
She stared at the cat, aghast. “Diego? What the hell?!”
He shrugged and displayed that grin again. “Hey, I’m happy to see you too.”
“I thought you moved away?”
“To Southampton. Only a few miles down the road.”
“You left me, you scumbag! You left me for some stupid human!”
“I’m sorry, okay! It was an offer I couldn’t refuse! Free Cat Snax for the rest of my life? An actual mansion? Are you kidding me? The only thing I miss is you, babe. So what do you say? Come and live with me? Kitty Nala’s got cat food up the wazoo, and toys and grounds stretching as far as a cat’s eye can see. The only thing she hasn’t got is playmates, but she was kind enough to give me this limo so I can be out and about from time to time—take care of those other needs, if you catch my drift.” He gave her a fat wink, and Harriet couldn’t believe she ever thought Diego was sexy. He repulsed her now. Him and his fleas.
“Maybe Kitty should send you to a vet. You’ve got fleas, Diego. It’s a real turn-off.”
“Who cares about a few fleas as long as you’re having fun? Come with me, babe. I’ve missed you. I’m all alone up there in that big mansion. No one to play with. No one to shoot the breeze with. No one to cuddle up to when the nights get cold and lonely.”
She wavered. “Do you get to go to cat shows and stuff?”
“Sure! I can go to any show I want. Kitty’s got a private plane. Whatever you want.”
She glanced back at her friends, who stood concealed behind the fire hydrant. Suddenly the life of the big-city cat she’d wanted seemed a lot less appealing. Then the flea took a big bite out of her tush and she yipped, “It bit me! The frickin’ thing just bit me!”
“Oh, all right, I’ll see the vet,” said Diego. “We’ll see the vet together, okay?”
And she was just about to announce that Diego could stick his vet where the sun didn’t shine when a voice piped up behind her. “What’s all this?” the voice asked.
When she turned, she saw that the voice belonged to none other than Princess. The fancy cat stood staring from Harriet to Diego, an insolent look on her face. Her troupe of cats joined her, crowding around. Suddenly an idea struck Harriet, and a sly smile crept up her lips.
“This is Love Symbol,” she said, introducing Diego, who’d quickly put his mask back on. “Love Symbol is the hottest cat in town—and the richest one, too. Love Symbol, this is Princess, and these are the members of her troupe: Beca, Chloe, Aubrey and Fat Amy.”
“Ladies,” said Diego in an unctuous tone, a faux-sexy smile on his snout. If he’d had a mustache he would have twirled it. “Pretty. Very pretty. Are these your friends, Harriet?”
“Sure,” said Princess quickly. “We’re Harriet’s best friends, aren’t we, Harriet?”
“Best friends,” Harriet echoed. “These cats are the Most Interesting Cats in the World, Love Symbol.”
“And the Most Beautiful Ones, too,” said Diego appreciatively.
“And you, sir,” said Princess, “are without a doubt the Most Interesting Tomcat in the World. May we join you?” She then turned to Harriet. “Unless we’re interrupting something?”
“Oh, no,” said Harriet. “No interruption. Love Symbol and I are old friends.”
Princess’s eyes widened in surprise. “Old friends?”
“Yeah, Harriet and I go way back,” said Diego. “Way, way back.”
“Ooh, Harriet,” said Chloe. “You keep fascinating company. Very fascinating.”
“I’ve always liked you, Harriet,” said Aubrey. “In fact I just told Amy you’re probably the prettiest cat in all of Hampton Cove. Isn’t that right, Amy?”
“You said she had the fattest ass in all of—ouch! What did you pinch me for?”
“Harriet, honey,” said Princess, “why don’t we all join Love Symbol in this very nice limo? Have the party to end all parties?”
“I’m afraid I’ll have to take a rain check, girls,” said Harriet. “But you go ahead and have a great time. I’m sure you and Love Symbol will get along like a house on fire.”
Diego gave her a slight shrug, as if to say, ‘Your loss, babe,’ and Harriet gave him a little wave.
“If you change your mind...” said Princess as she hopped into the limo.
“I won’t,” said Harriet, and watched with satisfaction as three fleas hopped onto Princess’s silky fur, while several dozen other happy volunteers made the jump to Beca, Chloe, Aubrey and Amy. The Most Flawless Cats in the World were flea-less no more.
She watched the limo door close and the car drive off into the night, and as she walked back to her friends, she suddenly felt such a sense of relief she had to laugh. And when she saw Brutus, Max and Dooley patiently waiting, she knew she’d
made the right decision. She might be a small-town cat in a small-town world but she was also a happy cat in a happy town, filled with life and love and laughter and all the friends and loving humans a cat could ever wish for.
And now she also had a flea. Then again, she kinda loved those baths Odelia, Marge and Grandma had been giving them. One stroke of the comb and that flea would be a goner. In the most humane and kindest way possible, of course.
“What happened?” asked Dooley as they walked away.
“Yeah, you didn’t give us the sign,” said Max.
“I’m glad you didn’t,” said Brutus. “I’m glad you didn’t get into that limo.”
She gave him her sweetest smile. “I’m glad I didn’t get in, too, snookums.”
And as they slowly made their way home, and she revealed to them the true identity of Hampton Cove’s Patient Zero, that feeling of despondency and gloom that had settled over her after meeting the Most Interesting Cats in the World gradually ebbed away.
Princess and her troupe might be interesting cats, even the most interesting ones, but they were also mean cats. And now they were flea cats, which served them right.
“You think Odelia might be persuaded to set up a cat show in town?” she asked now.
“Oh, sure,” said Brutus. “And you’ll be the star, love sponge.”
“You’ll be amazing, Harriet,” Dooley assured her. “The whole town will come out to watch and Odelia will put your picture on the front page of the Hampton Cove Gazette.”
“Yeah, it will be the best show ever,” said Max. “The Most Interesting Show in the World starring the Most Interesting Cat in the World.”
“That’s all right,” she said. “I’ll settle for the Most Interesting Show in Town. As long as you are there I’m happy.” She sighed contentedly. “You know I love you guys, right?”
“And we love you right back, Harriet,” said Dooley reverently.
In response, she gave the Biggest Harriet Admirer in the World a peck on the cheek and Dooley actually whimpered. Brutus merely shook his head good-naturedly and intertwined his tail with hers. “What brought all this on?” he asked softly as they fell back behind the others.
“The moon, probably,” she said as she glanced up at that big, white, round ball of cheese hovering in the skies over the roofs of Hampton Cove. “But now I’m okay again.”
“Welcome back,” said Brutus. “Wanna go steady?”
She laughed. “I thought we already were!”
He grinned happily. “Just checking. In case Diego had turned your head again.”
She gazed at her boyfriend earnestly. “No cat will ever make me turn my head again, Brutus. You’re my soulmate. I see that now.”
“Promise?” he asked in a small voice.
“Promise,” she said, and watched as her flea jumped onto Brutus’s back, then back to her. And for a moment she thought the flea looked at her, shook its tiny head, rolled its tiny eyes, then jumped to a passing dog. Even Diego’s fleas knew she was done with that cat.
And good riddance, too.
Chapter 11
That night we all took our positions on Odelia’s sofas, Harriet and Brutus snuggling together on the love seat, Dooley and I side by side next to Odelia, and Chase right next to her. The TV had been switched on, and the movie selection had been made.
After the stirring events of the past few days, a nice movie night was exactly what we needed. Harriet seemed herself again, and had handled the confrontation with Diego perfectly, Odelia had checked us all for fleas and had declared us flea-free once more, and things were finally settling back into their usual routine, just the way I liked it.
“I still can’t believe Diego was Patient Zero,” said Dooley. “I mean, I really thought we’d seen the last of that cat.”
“I think now we may have,” I said.
Harriet had told Marge about her encounter with the fleabag, and Marge had called her brother Chief Alec who’d called Kitty Nala and told her to give her cat the necessary anti-flea treatment or else he’d never allow him to set paw in Hampton Cove again. I didn’t think any chief of police could ban a cat from his territory, but still. After word had spread that Diego was Patient Zero, the number of Hampton Cove cats willing to step into his ‘Love Symbol’ limo had dwindled and by now had reached the nice number of... zero.
“So what movie are we watching?” asked Chase, stretching his long legs.
“I think you’re going to like this one,” said Odelia. “Grandma picked it.”
Chase started. “Grandma? I thought she was staying with your mom tonight.”
“I changed my mind,” said Grandma, joining us from the kitchen, two big bowls of popcorn in her arms. “You kids need watching, and I for one am not prepared to forgo my sacred duty just because Marge invited me to talk about moving back in with her.”
Chase gave Odelia a look of despair. “I thought... that was a done deal?”
“Oh, you thought you’d get rid of me that easy, huh?” said Grandma. “Like it or not, young Chase, I’m here to stay and keep those hormones of yours in check. Now scoot.” And she wedged herself in between her granddaughter and Chase, much to the latter’s dismay.
“So what movie did you pick?” asked Brutus, taking a break from nuzzling Harriet.
“Oh, it’s a corker,” Gran said. “You’ll love it. It’s even got cats in it.”
Dooley nudged me excitedly. “It’s got cats in it, Max! I love movies with cats in it!”
We all love movies with cats in it. The more the merrier. But as we watched, the first indication that the movie might not be what we’d anticipated came five minutes in, when a bunch of scary-looking spiders bit their human to death in a terribly graphic scene.
“What’s the name of this movie, Gran?” asked Odelia with a worried frown.
“Eight Legged Freaks,” said Gran. “There’s this great scene where a kitty cat has a fight with this big-ass spider and they both get electrocuted. Ya gotta see it to believe it!”
She was right. You had to see it to believe it. All through the movie those ‘big-ass spiders’ chased a bunch of humans all over town and even into some old mining shafts, until the heroes of the movie killed all the spiders and then the cavalry showed up and the movie was over. And while I love movie night at Odelia’s, this was not a movie I’d care to remember. Dooley, who’d kept his eyes closed throughout most of the carnage—especially after the death of Zeke, the kitty cat in question, now opened them again.
“Is it finished?”
“Yeah, it’s finished.”
“Did Zeke survive?”
“Um...”
He shivered. “Imagine what would happen if those tiny little fleas grew into giant fleas, just like in the movie. Imagine what they would do to us, Max. They’d eat us alive!”
“I don’t think I want to imagine, Dooley. Especially after watching this movie.”
“They would start eating cats, humans, dogs—everything!”
“It’s just a movie, Dooley. And Zeke is just an actor playing a part. I’m sure he’s fine.”
But Dooley had stopped listening. “Maybe Kingman was right, and Diego works for the government, and he’s here to kill all of Hampton Cove’s cats. By creating monster fleas! That’s why he was crawling with fleas—because he’s creating a new race of killer fleas!”
And as Grandma turned in for the night, happy with the damage she’d done, and Chase and Odelia moved to the back porch, to canoodle on the porch swing far from Gran’s watchful eye, and Brutus and Harriet moved into the backyard, presumably to do the same, I was stuck with Dooley spouting new and crazy conspiracy theories and other horror stories.
And you know what? I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
This was my family. This was my home. And if this whole episode had taught me one thing it was that the things that don’t kill us make us stronger. Like the fleas. And like Diego. Or even a Deep State conspiracy that engages a Love Symbol in a wh
ite limo to harbor and foster giant killer fleas to wipe out all the cats in the country and possibly even the world.
I patted Dooley on the head. “I’m going to sleep now.”
“But the fleas!”
“I don’t care.”
“They’re here!”
“So be it.”
“But Max!”
I yawned. Put down my head. And slept.
Sleep came. And so did dreams. And guess what?
No fleas. Not even teeny-tiny little ones.
The flea episode? Was finally over.
About Nic
Nic Saint is the pen name for writing couple Nick and Nicole Saint. They’ve penned 70+ novels in the romance, cat sleuth, middle grade, suspense, comedy and cozy mystery genres. Nicole has a background in accounting and Nick in political science and before being struck by the writing bug the Saints worked odd jobs around the world (including massage therapist in Mexico, gardener in Italy, restaurant manager in India, and Berlitz teacher in Belgium).
When they’re not writing they enjoy Christmas-themed Hallmark movies (whether it’s Christmas or not), all manner of pastry, comic books, a daily dose of yoga (to limber up those limbs), and spoiling their big red tomcat Tommy.
www.nicsaint.com
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