Everything seemed so normal. There was no hint of any life-changing disasters in the microcosm of society in the café. I felt like banging my spoon against the side of my coffee cup, standing on the table and asking for everyone’s attention. Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, please. Sorry to interrupt your morning cuppa, but I’m just doing my own little survey here. Would you mind telling me if any of you are suffering from your own personal heartbreak? Have you recently been dumped, deceived or betrayed? Hands up! Does your heart feel as though it’s been ripped out and tossed aside on the floor? Or is that only me?
I sighed and sucked the froth from my spoon. I think I already knew the answer to my question. Looking around, everyone else seemed to be living their own personal version of ‘Happy Ever After’ whereas I’d been given the script for the alternative horror movie version.
Still, there were worse places to be miserable than in this cosy little café, even if I was surrounded by smugly satisfied others. I was doing a pretty good job too of studiously avoiding my phone, even if it meant me having to sit on my twitching fingers to stop them reaching inside my handbag and grabbing the damn thing. Perhaps if I gave the impression that I was a busy and popular person who had lots of people trying to contact her then I wouldn’t feel quite so out-of-place, but really, who cared what Ed and Sophie thought or if they were even thinking about me at all? If they’d been that concerned about my well-being then they would never have done what they did in the first place.
Just when I was about to drown myself in my coffee, Mandy came over and sat down opposite me.
‘So, come on then, show me what you’ve been buying?’
I pulled out the dresses and held them up for inspection. Mandy’s eyes lit up in approval.
‘What’s this, then? A going-away outfit?’
‘Oh no, I’ve got a perfectly good one of those at home. I needed something for tonight. I left home in such a hurry that I only brought jeans and T-shirts. It’s mad, I know, but I’m meeting a guy tonight for dinner.’
Mandy laid a hand on mine.
‘A date?’ She leant across the table, her mouth curling in an expression of disbelief. ‘How come?’
I tried to quash the feeling that I was a teenage girl reporting into her mother and shifted in my seat, looking Mandy straight in the eye. I had nothing to apologise for, I told myself repeatedly. I was a grown woman.
‘No, no, not a date exactly.’ A feeling of déjà vu swept over me. ‘Just a friends type of thing.’ I cringed. Mandy narrowed her eyes. ‘That gig last night at the Hollybush? Oh, it was great fun. I met this guy called Dave. We got chatting and it turns out he’s here on business for a couple of days too and so we decided it might be nice to get together over dinner.’
‘I see,’ she said, not even attempting to hide her disapproval. ‘And I’m supposing you told him about the nature of your business here in Hollisea.’
Mandy was doing a very good impersonation of being my mother.
I narrowed my eyes and cringed some more.
‘Not exactly. It’s not the sort of thing you drop into conversation when you first meet someone, is it? Especially not to a gorgeous beefcake of a man. That you’ve just been dumped by another member of the male species from a great height.’
‘It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Besides, you didn’t have any problems in telling me.’
‘Yes, but that was different. I knew I could trust you. That you wouldn’t judge me.’ I raised my eyebrows at her to check I’d got that right.
Mandy laughed.
‘Of course I’m not going to judge you but I don’t want to see you getting hurt, that’s all. Well, not any more hurt than you are already.’
She’d hit the nail on the head. Amongst all those other emotions I’d been wrestling with, I felt a sense of shame. As though all of this was my fault. There had to be something terribly wrong with me for my fiancé to be cheating on me even before we’d had the wedding.
I gave a wry smile. I wasn’t even sure it was possible to feel more pain. I was all pained out. Someone could stick pins in me and I wouldn’t feel anything.
‘I just wonder if you shouldn’t sort out all your problems at home before going out on dates with strange men. If it was me whose engagement had just been broken off, I don’t think I’d be thinking straight. But you can’t just stick your head in your sand and pretend nothing has happened. It will only make matters worse. Really, lovie, what are you doing here? Why don’t you go home and speak to your fiancé and your mum and work out what it is you’re going to do.’
For a moment I wondered if it wouldn’t have been better if I hadn’t told Mandy about the break-up. If I shouldn’t have just given her the whole Persephone routine and then we could have had a normal conversation about the weather and the price of coal or, probably more likely, the price of jewellery, Persephone being a jewellery designer and all that, and we could have laughed carefreely instead of speaking in hushed tones as though someone had died, which I suppose in my heart Ed had. Still it was too late for that now and I suspected, looking into Mandy’s probing brown eyes, that it might have been impossible to lie to her anyway. She had an in-built bullshit detector. I could feel it pulsating from her body.
No, I couldn’t blame Mandy for being concerned; it was just that I didn’t really want a reminder of the remnants of my life back at home. Here, for a couple of days at least, I could pretend to be someone else and forget all about the problems I wasn’t ready to face just yet.
I’d come here to try to forget about Ed and Sophie, but who was I kidding? Even without Mandy’s gentle probing I couldn’t get away from the fact that everything in my life had shifted and things would never be the same again. And that’s what saddened me. My life had been pretty much close to being perfect; okay, my job wasn’t the one of my dreams but it was a job, I had a best friend who loved me, a boyfriend who adored me and the future, I thought, looked rosy. And now it didn’t. I’d been living one big thumping lie and I’d been too dumb to see what was going on under my nose. The ground beneath my feet had slipped away and I had nothing left to cling onto.
‘Of course I’m going home. I know I’ve got to do that – to speak to Ed – but I just can’t face it yet.’ I felt my chin do that uncharacteristic wobble thing that it had been making a bad habit of doing these last couple of days and I blinked away a rogue tear. ‘I don’t know how I’ll feel when I see him, Mandy, or what I’ll say. It’s almost as if, if I don’t go and see him, there’s a part of me that can still believe that none of this has happened. That’s stupid, right?’
‘No, not stupid, Anna. Perfectly understandable, I’d say. Well, you know your own heart best, love, but I’m here for you if you need to come and chat. Anytime.’
‘Thanks, Mandy.’ I looked across the table at the older woman whose kindly eyes were fanned in tiny creases. She had a lovely open face but her features were washed with weariness. Her faded blonde hair was tied back in a ponytail with small wiry curls sprouting from the fabric band. ‘You’re okay, aren’t you?’ I asked, feeling a niggle of concern.
‘Oh, I’m fine. A bit tired, that’s all.’ She wiped her brow with her forearm, looking self-conscious to have the attention turned on her. ‘You’re on your feet all day in this job so when you do get a chance to sit down it makes you realise how exhausted you are. We could do with a holiday ourselves, but it’s just coming up to the peak season so I can’t see that happening anytime soon. I think, though, this will be our last summer here. We’ve had a terrific five years running this place, but we’re both at that point where we want to take things a bit easier.’
‘What would you do instead?’
‘Buy a little bungalow here by the sea. Do some gardening, get a dog we could take for walks on the beach. We both like to read, but don’t have much time for that at the moment. There’d be plenty we could fill our time with.’
It sounded idyllic and I hated myself for the pang of jealously I felt. Would I
ever find someone to share a bungalow by the sea with? I’d imagined growing old with Ed, not that I could really imagine Ed ever being old, he was far too damned good-looking and smart for that, but I’d never doubted for one moment that he wouldn’t always be there at my side. Only a few days ago Ed was my leading man, cast in the role of Brad to my Angelina. Antony to my Cleopatra. Bob to my Mandy. Only my leading man had run off with the supporting actress and if I ever wanted to have those things Mandy was talking about I’d have to go through that whole excruciating auditioning process once again. I felt like a frumpier, less glamorous version of Jennifer Aniston.
‘I’ve got a two-week holiday in the Maldives going begging if you’re interested? Flight departing this Saturday.’
‘Your honeymoon?’ Mandy winced as she said the words.
‘Yes. It’s all paid for. Seems a shame to waste it.’
Mandy chuckled and shook her head wryly, as though she might actually be considering the offer.
‘Do you know, I like the sound of that! I’ve never been on a plane before, neither has Bob. Mind you, I’d never get him jetting off to the Maldives. He’s not very adventurous like that. He likes his home comforts too much.’
‘Really? You could leave him at home, you know! You and I could go together. Just think of the fun we’d have. We could sit on the beach all day drinking cocktails and then of a night we could go dancing with swarthy muscular young men under moonlit skies. What do you reckon?’
‘I don’t think Bob would be too happy about that! And lovely as it sounds I wouldn’t want to spend that amount of time away from him. I’d miss him too much.’
‘That’s so lovely,’ I said, feeling my eyes fill with emotion. Mandy clearly didn’t need any grand gestures or wildly exotic holidays. Or heady nights spent with virile young men who were put on earth for the sole purpose of taking your mind of your ex. But Mandy didn’t have anybody or anything she needed to forget. Unlike me. She was happy with what she had. As long as Bob was at her side then she had everything she wanted in life. If only my life could be that simple. ‘Ahh, to think that you’d turn down the trip of a lifetime to the Maldives to stay here with Bob. That’s just so lovely.’
‘Oh, you are a daft thing, Anna.’ Mandy laughed. ‘You’re looking at me as though I hold the answer to love and the universe. It isn’t like that. Bob and I have both had our share of heartbreak over the years, but that’s life, isn’t it?’
I resisted the urge to break into song.
‘We’re just lucky that we got to have a second chance at love. We want to spend every moment that we can together. And if all of this doesn’t work out with your fiancé, then you’ll get your second chance at love too, Anna. I know at the moment that probably seems unlikely but when you get over this little blip there will be a different kind of future for you, a better future.’
‘A little blip?’
‘Oh, I don’t mean to trivialise what you’re going through. I don’t mean that at all. I just want you to know that however hard it seems at the moment you will get through this, one way or the other, and then you’ll come out the other side stronger.’
‘You reckon?’
Mandy nodded enthusiastically.
‘Absolutely. Either you can let this business drag you down or else you can put it to one side and get on with the rest of your life.’
Hadn’t Neil said something very similar?
‘Hmm, yeah, I suppose you’re right. And I have got two weeks in the Maldives to look forward to. Every cloud, and all that. You’re still not tempted to come with me, then?’
When Mandy laughed her whole face lit up, banishing the weariness from her features.
‘Oh, if I was ten years younger, then I might think about it. But no, my priority is here with Bob. And honestly you wouldn’t want me with you. I’d cramp your style. If you’re not going to get married then you should take a friend. Or what about your mum? Or that lad you mentioned … Ben?’
What friend? Sophie was definitely in the ex-friend category. And as far as Mum was concerned I could probably manage a long weekend in Blackpool, but any longer than that and we’d be both be on very dangerous ground. And Ben? My heart melted every time I thought of him. He’d been totally lovely about the whole dancing-around-naked-in-his-bedroom incident. Even if it caused me to go hot and sweaty every time I thought of it, but I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to look him in the eye again, let alone spend a fortnight in the Maldives with him.
‘Ah, don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll find someone to come with me.’ Because of course there was a long queue of people able to up sticks at a moment’s notice and disappear to the other side of the world. That was assuming I’d even be able to transfer Ed’s ticket and hotel booking into someone else’s name.
Still, I didn’t really care. Even if the wedding was off, the holiday would go ahead as planned. And if that meant going on my own, then that would be absolutely fine too.
‘Listen, Anna, take my number.’ She gave me a business card and I turned it over in my hands. The Rocky Road Café for breakfast, lunches, afternoon teas. Hollisea 665532. ‘And write your number down on here for me. Just in case, eh?’ She handed me a pen and I did as I was told.
In case of what? I wondered, as I left the café. In case Dave the import/export man turned out to be a serial killer after all? Or in case I got so depressed about having no one to go to the Maldives with that I did something silly like jump off the end of the pier? Either way, it was reassuring to know that Mandy had my number.
Chapter Nine
Running away was exhausting. It must have had something to do with all the emotional trauma I’d been through over the last couple of days but my whole body ached with weariness. Well, it was either that or the sea air. Or the fact that I’d eaten so many carbohydrates and drunk so many units of alcohol that my poor body was having trouble working out what do with them all. Whatever it was I was completely knackered.
After leaving the café I wandered back along the seafront. It was a view I could never imagine tiring of. Looking out to sea it was as if anything was possible. As though the world and the possibilities it offered faded my worries into insignificance. I thought about going for a run along the front to banish my weariness, but it was only a fleeting thought. I’d never been prone to fits of exertion before so I quickly decided not to give into the urge now, not in my delicate state. Besides, I didn’t have my running gear with me. Thinking about it, I didn’t have any running gear full stop. But the thought was there in my head. When I got over this little ‘blip’ I would take up running, despite my lack of sporting prowess in the past, and I would become one of those lean and mean running machines with nicely turned calf muscles and a flat chest, who put in ten miles before breakfast. Yes, I’d join the ranks of those annoyingly smug people. Well, I’d do my best to avoid the flat chest part because my chest, as had been commented upon by Ed and his mates, was one of my better features.
No, all I could manage today was a saunter back to my hotel with my carrier bags and with the promise of a hot date with Dave running around my mind.
***
I slept for five hours solid, my whole afternoon wiped out by a luxuriously fluffy goose quilt. Which in that brief moment when I woke up before I remembered where I was and what I was doing far away from home in a strange bed in a strange room, was one of the better ways I’d ever experienced of waking up after wasting away an afternoon. But then I remembered and a small stab of pain hit at my temples. I turned over and looked at my watch. I’d only intended to have a little nap but somehow it was now 6.00 p.m. Honestly, I would have been more than happy to make an evening of it, plump up my pillows, order room service and watch all the soaps on telly and then maybe a film from the movie channel, but I knew I couldn’t.
Dave was much too nice a guy to mess around, but while last night dinner had seemed like the most marvellous idea anybody had ever had it now seemed like the most terrifying prospect ever. I’d can
cel. Easy. Dave would understand. He was a busy man with a busy schedule, I’m sure his plans were always being rearranged. I’d go and meet him, tell him I’d made a mistake and that I wouldn’t be able to go out to dinner after all.
Despite the overwhelming temptation to crawl back under the covers and pull a pillow over my head, I padded into the bathroom and confronted my reflection in the mirror.
‘Ughhh!’ I stuck out my tongue and widened my eyes, trying to rearrange my features into something more recognisable than the pale, wan creature in front of me. In the space of a few days my face had changed. My skin had lost its usual glow, my eyes had taken on a distinctly piggy quality and my mouth had adopted a droop. I smiled, the corners of my mouth turning up unconvincingly.
Make-up should do it. After a shower and a spruce-up, I felt marginally better. Thinking about it, it would be rude to cancel. It was hardly Dave’s fault that my head was all over the place and I didn’t know if I was coming or going, or even who I was at the moment, Anna or Persephone. Looking in the mirror gave no clues. The girl staring back at me was kind of familiar, but not wholly recognisable.
I’d go for one drink, a quick bite to eat, and then I’d make my apologies and leave.
I waited in the foyer for about five minutes, feeling wholly self-conscious in my new dress and shoes. At the last moment I’d realised I didn’t have a coat or cardigan to wear so I’d thrown my denim jacket over the top. It didn’t really go with my softly swishing silk dress and high heels, but I kidded myself it would bridge the smart/casual divide very nicely.
I was ten minutes early but I’d told myself that if Dave didn’t turn up in the next five minutes then I was perfectly within my rights to leave, because despite me being a modern woman and all that, it was an unwritten dating rule that the man should arrive early so as not to keep the woman waiting. And if Dave didn’t know about that rule or if he chose to ignore the rule then clearly we would be wasting our time in spending even an extra minute together.
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