The Martian: Sure. Rothstein.
The Spaceman: Rothstein?
The Martian: Yeah, Rothstein. I know it’s a little hard to say.
The Spaceman: And how old are you, Mr. Rothstein?
The Martian: Please, call me Zygbabagadoogagadaklooblazoo. I’m ten minutes old. See, here on Mars, the average life span is only about twenty minutes.
The Spaceman: That must be very stressful, sir.
The Martian: Well, it certainly makes it hard to go to the movies.
The Spaceman: So you’re telling me that in only twenty minutes, you are born, you grow up, have children, raise a family—
The Martian: It could be twenty-five, if you’re lucky. My cousin Herman lived to twenty-eight. Boy, was he something. Managed to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
The Spaceman: I must ask you, Mr. Rothstein—
The Martian: Look, no offense, but I feel like I’ve been talking to you half my life already. My wife probably gave birth to the triplets while we were standing here yapping. They’re probably in kindergarten by now.
The Spaceman: Of course, Mr. Rothstein.
The Martian: Unless maybe you have some strudel?
The Spaceman: I think I have one strudel in my spaceship.
The Martian (clapping him on the back): Now you’re talking!
And they both bowed.
The audience went NUTS.
By the time Conceptual Art Band took the stage, everyone was giddy—not just with anticipation but with joy. I didn’t find out until I stepped offstage, with Maury’s arm around my shoulders and his other arm around Little Abie’s. Seeing the two old partners reuniting onstage had been super emotional for everyone. There hadn’t been a dry eye in the building, and not just because people laughed until they cried. Although they did that, too.
We made our way to the back of the room as Lisa and Pierre set up. My mom and dad met us there, and soon my whole class was crowding around us. And Evan, who was like an honorary M&AA kid by now.
“I’m proud of you,” my dad said.
“You should be,” Mr. Allen told him.
“Shhh,” Azure said. “Conceptual Art Band is about to start playing.”
“They’re my favorite band,” said Maury Kovalski.
“You and me both,” Little Abie Mendelson agreed. “Those kids got moxie!”
“Zey are zuper weird,” announced Klaus, then added, “But in a gut way.”
“Hey!” Lisa called from the stage.
“Hey!” everybody shouted back.
“We wrote a new song, just for the occasion,” she said. “It’s called ‘The Schlemiel and the Schlimazel: An Ode to Friendship.’ Do you guys wanna hear it?”
“Yeah!” everybody yelled, and C.A.B. started playing a fast, peppy tune and singing:
The schlemiel spills the soup.
It lands on the schlimazel.
Friendship isn’t easy.
No es fácil.
The schlimazel isn’t hostile.
He says to the schlemiel,
The soup was just an appetizer.
Friendship is a meal.
The schlemiel gets a napkin
And wipes his buddy off.
Then they go play golf
And eat some stroganoff, HEY!
I think it’s going to be a hit.
Craig Robinson is an actor, comedian, and musician best known for his work in such films as Hot Tub Time Machine, Morris from America, This Is the End, An Evening with Beverly Luff Linn, and Pineapple Express, for his role on NBC’s The Office, and as Leroy in Fox’s paranormal comedy series Ghosted. But he has not let the fame go to his head like Jake. When he’s not filming, Craig might be playing the keyboards with his band Craig Robinson and the Nasty Delicious. Craig lives in Los Angeles and performs worldwide as a stand-up comedian just like Jake (sort of). Discover him on Twitter at @MrCraigRobinson.
Adam Mansbach would never let fame go to his head, even though he is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of a picture book about kids but really for adults. This well-known work—whose title cannot be named here—has been translated into over forty languages and named Time magazine’s “Thing of the Year.” Adam’s other novels have garnered such acclaim as the California Book Award and are taught in hundreds of colleges and universities across the country. He has also written a middle-grade novel about a boy who trades letters with Benjamin Franklin through time, and the screenplay for Barry, a biopic about Barack Obama’s life as a college student. His work has appeared in the New Yorker, the New York Times, and Esquire, and on NPR’s All Things Considered. Adam lives in Berkeley, California, and has two daughters whose jokes could compete with Jake’s. Find Adam on Twitter at @adammansbach.
Keith Knight, winner of the Glyph, Harvey, and Inkpot Awards, is a spectacular cartoonist whose Knight Life comic strip is read nationwide in such newspapers as the Washington Post. Keef’s funny yet hard-hitting cartoons in his web-comic series (T)hink and The K Chronicles led him to be named an NAACP History Maker. He is the father of two boys, Jasper and Julian. Catch Keith on Twitter at @KeefKnight.
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Jake the Fake Goes for Laughs Page 7