“I didn’t realize your grades were that upsetting.”
Kaitlyn jumped at the sight of Jake’s face looming over her. “What?”
“Your grades. You’re crying.”
She touched her face, wet with tears she hadn’t realized were falling. “Sorry. I know I shouldn’t bring personal issues to work.” She cast a furtive glance to see if the guy from class was watching.
“Don’t apologize. You’re the best worker I’ve got.” Concern etched his forehead. “Do you need to go take care of it? Talk to your teacher or something?”
“I don’t want to leave you shorthanded.” She bit her lip. The only other girls on duty were scrambling to take care of an ever-increasing line at the drive-through window, which was always busier than the inside counter before lunch.
“Hey, I got this. Scram.” Jake cocked his head toward the door.
She unwound her apron and mouthed a silent Thank you before leaving the floor. First, she checked her phone. Colin hadn’t responded. If she hurried, she could catch him during office hours. The Mathematics and Science Department, with ever-present ears and eyes roaming the building, wasn’t the ideal place to tell him about the baby, but going there under the pretense of dealing with her grade would at least get her an appointment.
Unease churned in her stomach. She’d feel better once she talked to Colin. He was so understanding, and she knew he’d do anything to help her. Telling him was the first step in righting the situation, and once that was over, together they could decide how to go forward. With him at her side, she could even handle talking to her parents. They were strict and religious, so they’d definitely be disappointed, but no more than she was in herself.
Cars filled the north campus parking lot. Kaitlyn cruised around, fingers crossed, waiting for someone to leave. She located a spot that seemed suspiciously close to a fire hydrant. It would have to do. Desperate times and whatnot.
By the time she’d hoofed it across the commons and woven her way between the Business and Social and Behavioral Colleges buildings, she was panting and her eyes were wet. Not crying—it couldn’t be, because things were going to work out—but they were wet just the same.
“I need to see Dr. Kimball.” She looked anywhere but in the eyes of the student worker who manned the office.
The girl blew a tiny bubble and let it pop before she answered. “His door’s closed, so that means he’s with someone.”
Kaitlyn blushed to think what went on when he’d had the door closed with her—before she stopped coming to the office for so-called help. “I’ll wait. I need to ask about my grade.” She parked herself on a nearby chair and fidgeted with her phone.
What would she say? She wanted to be excited, but common sense dictated otherwise. Obviously their situation wasn’t normal, yet. But once they acclimated to the idea of a baby—precious little bundle, a piece of them both—they’d be happy.
The door jolted open, causing her to jump.
“Thanks, Dr. K.” A young blond bounced out of his office, her smile far too wide for talking to her professor.
Kaitlyn’s stomach recoiled. Of course she wasn’t the only coed who found Colin attractive. She’d seen a dozen girls get tongue-tied when he called on them during a lecture or when they asked a question. He’d patiently explained that until she came along, he’d never once had his head turned by a student. Young ladies came on to all the professors, and it was something they’d learned to ignore. What he had with her was different because she wasn’t the typical college undergrad. She knew what she wanted and where she was going in life, had life experience and a maturity that set her apart—so he said.
She found herself smiling as she remembered the way his finger traced the line of her neck before twirling a strand of hair and pulling her close. The way he whispered in her ear had made her feel treasured and adored.
At the sound of footsteps, she glanced up and saw the ashen look on Colin’s face when he caught sight of her outside his door. More than once he’d told her to stay away from him in public, but surely he’d understand. She rose on unsteady legs. “Can I talk to you? It’s about my grade.”
“Come on in.”
She detected irritation in his voice, so she offered a smile to set him at ease. It was perfectly natural to see a professor about a grade. Anyone would do it, she thought, as she breezed into his office. “Glad I caught you before you left.”
Colin cringed, though he seemed to catch himself and soften his features before he closed the door.
“Your office hours are posted,” she whispered. “Sorry. I really need to talk.” She attempted to infuse energy into her voice, but the concern on his face informed her she hadn’t succeeded.
“The grade—I got your message.” He made a wide berth around her then sat at his desk with his fingers steepled under his chin. “It was borderline.” He studied her face with a gaze that caused her to blush as it had the first time they were alone.
“I understand. It’s just that—”
“No special favors.” He leaned slightly closer. “You said so yourself.”
“Right. I did. A grade doesn’t mean anything if it’s not earned.” She set her book bag on the floor. Should she keep talking about the grade or drop the bomb? Judging from the way he kept glancing at the door, her time was short. She lowered her voice for the benefit of the gum-popping student worker a dozen yards away in the outer office. “I have something else we need to talk about. Even more important than the grade.”
“So you understand? I’m not trying to be unfair. In fact, I’m trying hard not to be unfair.”
“You’re right. I’ve been distracted all semester.”
“Not entirely your fault.” The chair groaned when he leaned over his desk. “You’re disappointed.” His green eyes searched her face, and she found that once again, unbidden tears were streaming.
She wiped her eyes. “Of course. I’m disappointed in myself. I should have my act together.”
Briefly, his warm hand covered hers. “Me too.” He drew back quickly, as if suddenly remembering where he was. He raked his hand through his chestnut hair, leaving it slightly tousled. “I wish you’d have waited for me to contact you.”
“This couldn’t wait.” She folded her hands on her lap to hide the shaking. It was now or never.
“I can change the grade to a C.”
“It’s not just the grade. It’s bigger than the grade.” She breathed in deeply to scare up an extra dose of courage. This was harder than she thought it would be. A baby was supposed to be good news. She glanced over her shoulder to assure herself the door hadn’t mysteriously opened. “Look, I know what your position here means to you.”
“Changing your grade won’t affect that. I’m happy to do it.” His smile seemed stiff and frozen, so unlike the easygoing man she’d first fallen for. She really should’ve waited until he called. For the most part he was like her, afraid his feelings would be etched on his face. He’d said so a million times.
Kaitlyn bit her lip. “I’d appreciate that, but that’s not why I came. We need to talk—really talk.”
A whoosh of air escaped his soft lips. “I think we’re on the same page.”
“What do you mean?”
Colin scrubbed his face with his hands then pinched the bridge of his nose. A mixture of concern and sadness lit his eyes. “This.” He motioned between the two of them.
“That’s not the page I was on.” She forced a chuckle. “I think you’re misunderstanding. Or I am. Let me start over.”
“Please, don’t.” He held up a hand. “It was a bad idea. I never meant for things to go this far.”
“Colin, wait—” She bit her tongue. Calling him by his first name was a huge mistake in a room with cheap walls.
He winced, his jaw flexing. “This was never going to end well. You know that, right?”
“I can’t believe you’re saying this. Especially now.”
“Would there ever be a good t
ime?”
“You have to hear me out.” She pleaded with him like a lovesick teen.
He gentled his tone. “You’ll keep your promise, won’t you?”
“You know you can trust me.” A sick feeling swirled in her gut. She wanted to blurt out the truth—needed to blurt out the truth—but it was lodged somewhere between her throat and her better judgment.
Colin leaned closer. The scent of the aftershave she’d given him lingered between them. “I care for you more than you can imagine, but—”
“You care for your job more.”
“I was going to say that it’s just not a good idea. You have an amazing life ahead of you, and I … I’m not in a place where I can be part of that.”
“You can. We can figure out a way.” Thoughts jumbled in her head. Tell him or wait? Maybe if she caught him outside his office they could talk. Coming here tipped him over the edge. Made him think twice. Scared him off.
“No,” he said softly in the same whisper he’d used when he told her she meant the world to him. So many, many times.
“What if I quit school? There wouldn’t be a conflict.”
His gaze hardened almost imperceptibly. “Listen to me, Kaitlyn. What we had is over.”
A knock sounded on the door before it swung open. “Sorry to interrupt, but Dr. Crank said he wants to see you as soon as possible.” The student worker seemed oblivious to what had just transpired, but nevertheless, Kaitlyn felt exposed.
She straightened and hoped her expression didn’t give her away, even though those stupid tears started up again.
“I’m sorry, Kaitlyn.” Colin rose from his desk and slid his arms into his suit coat. “Better luck next semester.”
CHAPTER 3
Colin
Dr. Crank had a face that matched his name and an equally sour disposition. It was a combination that instilled both fear and determination in Colin Kimball, and the reason he shuffled Kaitlyn out of his office so quickly.
“Hold my calls,” he said to the student worker—what was her name, Hayley? Hallie? they all sounded the same—as he straightened his suit coat. A request to see Crank was rarely a good thing, and Colin could only hope word about his extracurricular activities hadn’t gotten out.
From the corner of his eye, he saw Kaitlyn quietly leave the reception area, shoulders stooped. The disbelief in her eyes when he’d said it was over—he didn’t dare use the word affair because it sounded so lewd and tawdry—nearly undid him. He’d wanted to take it back, fold her into his arms, and smooth the worry lines from her features.
But he’d made his decision, and he needed to stick with it, for too many reasons to count.
Colin tapped on Dr. Crank’s partially open door, his heart jackknifing in his chest. “You wanted to see me?”
“Come in.” The older man attempted to right a stack of file folders. The stack avalanched back onto his desk, further exasperating the department chair. “Make yourself comfortable.”
Colin scooped a pile of books off the seat and set them on the credenza that housed various bits of research and three wilting plants. Despite the clutter, he never underestimated the brilliant and widely published Dr. Herman Crank. It wasn’t a question of who held all the cards but who owned the deck.
Dr. Crank peered over the rims of his reading glasses, drilling a hole with his gaze. “I suppose you know why I’ve called you in.”
In fact, he didn’t. Colin’s knee bounced until he forced himself to sit still. Had someone caught a whiff of something amiss? He’d been so careful with Kaitlyn, never meeting in public and certainly not on campus. She’d even stopped attending class, for the most part. The fact she’d come in today had completely upended him, but out of everyone in the world, he trusted her. Trusted that she wouldn’t expose their relationship. Trusted her not to say anything out of turn.
Trusted her not to tell his wife. Not that Kaitlyn knew about Marissa, as far as he could tell, but one could never be too careful.
Colin shifted in his seat. Wiped his palms on his pants. No matter what Crank said, Colin would come up with a reasonable explanation. He’d come too far in this department, in his career, to lose his position over a mistake.
Mistake. The word punched him in the gut.
He hated to think of what he had with Kaitlyn as a mistake, but he knew it was. Every cell inside him both clamored for more of her and at the same time derided him for even considering it. He wasn’t an adulterous man, not really. Not in the ways that mattered.
He’d stay with his wife, and she’d never have to know what he’d done. To hurt Marissa like that was unthinkable, even though they’d spent the better part of the last five years carefully avoiding one another and any kind of intimacy that required letting down their guards. And there was still some part of him that wanted to take care of his emotionally wounded wife.
“Well?” Crank lifted a gray eyebrow, causing his forehead to pucker.
“No, sir. I’m not sure why you asked to see me.” Sweat beaded at his hairline, and if he wasn’t mistaken, he detected a gleam in Crank’s eye. The old guy was actually enjoying watching him sweat it out. Colin straightened and met his boss’s stare.
“It’s come to my attention—”
Colin’s heart stopped.
“—that you’re on track to make tenure this year.”
Relief whooshed through his veins. He steadied his breath before he spoke. “That’s been my goal.” He hid his hands as they continued to shake.
“The tenure committee will be meeting earlier than usual this year due to some restructuring going on, but we’d like to include you in the lineup. I assume you’ve been putting your tenure file together?”
“Absolutely. I’ve been working on it for a while.”
“Good. Just a few housekeeping items, then.” Crank grabbed the top folder from the failed stack and opened to a page littered with sticky notes. “We’ll need to see some progress on your research. Another publishing credit would be good.”
“I understand. A few months isn’t much time.”
Pursed lips signaled Crank wasn’t finished speaking. “I assume you have projects and proposals under way. I believe we discussed a few of them at the start of last semester. I’m sure you’ll have some type of update by then.”
Colin drew a deep breath. If he hadn’t spent so much time trying to be with Kaitlyn, he’d have made a lot more progress. Regret stabbed him, as it had so often over the last few months. He had to put that out of his mind now. Things with Kaitlyn were over, and he could move on with his career. With his life. With Marissa.
“There are a few end-of-year class evaluations turned in by your students, and I’d like you to take a serious look at the comments and see how you can apply them to your teaching. Of course, if you do make tenure, you’ll have a full-time lecturer assigned to you. That will free up your time to get more research and publishing credits under your belt.”
“That would be a welcome change.” Slowly, his confidence returned.
“I’ll give these to you.” Dr. Crank handed over the evaluations, covered with his own notes in red ink. “Lastly, be aware that you’ll be under scrutiny. During the summer, that weight is easier to bear by far, but you’ll be under the microscope nonetheless.”
“I’m ready for the challenge.”
“Glad to hear it.” The old professor folded his reading glasses. “I’ve been watching you for a long time. I’m sure you’ll do fine. But a word of caution: I’ve seen many a man in your situation, and it doesn’t take much to mess it up. I don’t have to tell you that tenured positions are getting harder to come by.”
“That’s been my understanding. I really appreciate the opportunity to prove myself.”
“Please understand that there are only so many resources to go around at a small institution like ours, and Dr. McAllister’s name has come up more than once. There are several on the committee who feel she’d be a better fit. She’s been around quite a bit longer
and has an impressive body of work.”
Colin rubbed his hands together. “I’ll do my best.”
“As far as I’m concerned, you’re in the lead. Not too many people your age and with your practical experience have impressed me, but I think you’re on a good track at this institution.”
The compliment infused Colin with a burst of satisfaction. At thirty-five, Colin would be the youngest tenured professor in the department. Years of effort had gone into pursuing his PhD and his career as a biology professor. Marissa had put up with his being absent for much of their life together, but now it would all be worth it. He’d make it up to her once he got tenure and his position was secure.
“Get to it.” Dr. Crank put his glasses back on, effectively dismissing Colin.
He closed the door with a soft click before allowing his shoulders to sag with relief. Lately, everything had felt like a close call, and he was done with that. From now on, he was walking the proverbial straight and narrow—at work and at home. If he put time and attention into Marissa, maybe they could have the kind of relationship they had in the beginning, before it got muddied up with her insecurities and her monthly schedule of disappointment.
“What on earth did you do to that poor girl?” Hayley—or Hallie—gave him a tsk-tsk when he rounded the corner to the main lobby.
“Who?” Colin strode past her desk, giving her a cursory glance.
The student worker cracked her gum. “The one who met with you. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone come out of your office crying before.”
He’d been so focused on being called in to see Crank that he hadn’t paid attention. He rubbed the back of his neck, frustrated. All the times he’d planned on what he’d say to break things off, he hadn’t imagined her crying. That wasn’t her style. She was, for the most part, confident and self-assured.
“She really wanted a better grade,” he said before closing the door to his office. He packed up the files that Crank had given him to review. It would give him something to do this evening after baseball practice.
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