This wasn’t like him. This wasn’t the Colin she’d been falling in love with. If only she knew what caused his change of heart. Or maybe his heart hadn’t changed, but he was exhausted from keeping his work and his personal life strictly separate.
At least he’d agreed to see her. Now maybe they could work this out. To be together in their special spot would remind him what he was missing. She remembered how his gentle touch and soft breath had tickled her ears when he held her in the evenings as they watched the sun go down. He’d never given any indication, apart from his job concerns, that he wasn’t falling as madly in love as she was. She knew she hadn’t imagined it. What they had between them was not a one-sided affair.
How could he give that up?
She hung up the phone and returned to the floor. She went through a few more customers and fought the nausea rising in her stomach. If she could concentrate on something else rather than the strong smell of the beans in the grinder, she’d be able to hold it together.
“Are you okay?” Kaitlyn’s favorite customer leaned against the counter.
“Marissa, hi.” She tried breathing through her mouth to block out the thick aroma of coffee. “A lot on my mind. Sorry.”
“You look pale.” Marissa scrutinized her. “Maybe you should sit down for a minute.”
Kaitlyn shook her head. “I’m fine.” As long as I don’t smell the coffee. She clutched her stomach.
Jake poured more beans into the grinder. The machine started to whir, sending out a pungent aroma that bullied past her nose, down her throat, and straight to her gut. The nausea burbled inside and acid stung her throat. Her feet responded before she could think, propelling her out the door to the side of the building.
Wave after wave, she vomited. Her eyes watered from the force, and her shoulders heaved while she struggled to catch her breath.
Fingers tugged at her hair, holding it back. “That’s it. You’ll feel better in a minute.” Marissa handed her a napkin.
Kaitlyn wiped her mouth and tried to straighten. Embarrassment rushed over her when she realized the shrubs hadn’t offered her as much privacy as she would’ve wished. “I can’t believe I just did that.”
“Those things happen. Here, I grabbed this for you.” Marissa handed over a plastic courtesy cup filled with water. “Rinse.”
Kaitlyn rinsed then took a sip to clear her palate. “I don’t know what came over me. It must’ve been the smell of the coffee beans.”
Marissa nodded, her gentle eyes taking in more than they revealed. “Glad I was here. I was just coming in for my refill before heading off to work.”
“I’m afraid to go back. The smell is so strong inside.” She took another sip to settle her stomach.
“Let’s see … You don’t strike me as the partying type, so I’m guessing you’re not hungover.”
Kaitlyn issued a mirthless chuckle. Here came the questions. “No, I’m not. And I don’t have the flu or the norovirus or the—”
“And you’ve been exhausted.” Marissa offered a genuine smile, which somehow made things seem not so bad.
“Just say it.”
“You first.”
Kaitlyn glanced around. The few people outside who had initially gawked had gone back to minding their own business. “I’m pregnant.”
“That’s what I thought. Congratulations.” Marissa gave her a side hug.
“It’s not like that.” Kaitlyn studied the gravel, the shrubs. Anything but looking directly into the customer’s eyes. She’d known Marissa from the time she’d started working at The Bean over a year ago, and though they weren’t more than acquaintances, she still cared what the woman thought.
“It’s always a little different than what you expect, especially the first time.”
Kaitlyn looked up and met Marissa’s gaze. “But I’m not married.”
Marissa smiled warmly. “You’re not the first unmarried person to have a child, and you won’t be the last. What about family? Do you have a supportive family?”
Kaitlyn’s throat knotted. The last time she’d talked to her parents was about her grade—she hadn’t fessed up to anything else—and even that had spiraled downhill fast. What would they say about the way she’d sinned and ruined herself? She shifted and focused on the sound of gravel under her shoe. “Not really.”
“Do they know?”
Kaitlyn shook her head. “I can’t—I mean … I haven’t told them yet. They’re not going to take it well.”
“They’ll live. Trust me.” Marissa gave her a firm hug then opened her handbag and pawed through it. “Listen, you come down and see me. I work at New Heights over on Burlin Avenue.” She handed Kaitlyn a card.
New Heights Pregnancy Resource Center. Interesting. Kaitlyn put it in her apron pocket. “I hope you specialize in how to handle a crisis.”
Marissa chuckled. “Things are not as bad as they seem. You’ll see.”
“Kaitlyn, are you out here?” Jake’s voice sounded from around the corner at the front of The Bean.
“I need to go. Thanks for your help.”
Marissa reached out and patted her back. “Really, please come and see me. Let us be your support system.”
Kaitlyn swallowed the marble in her throat and offered a noncommittal nod.
“If not, you know I’m here for you. Okay?” Marissa’s soft demeanor touched her heart. “I know it might not seem like it now, but you’ll get through this.” She squeezed her shoulder before stepping back. “I promise—babies are always a good thing.”
CHAPTER 10
Colin
Colin clapped his hands and called across the baseball field. “Bring it in, boys!”
The Tornados—all nine- and ten-year-old boys—sprinted toward home plate. They shouted and ribbed one another while they chattered on about this weekend’s matchup against their crosstown rivals. Colin enjoyed seeing the kids excited to play the game that he’d loved as a boy. He shoved aside the desire to one day share the game with a son of his own, knowing that the likelihood diminished as the years went on. When he met Marissa, he hadn’t thought marrying a woman four years older than him would be such a disadvantage. For now, he’d have to settle for borrowing the sons of his friends and neighbors on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.
“Who’s going to bring down the house this weekend?”
“Tornados!” the boys shouted in unison.
“Who’s going to show the Sharks who’s boss?”
“Tornados!”
“That’s right!” Colin, the boys, and the assistant coach, Adam, high-fived and whooped it up for a minute before Colin gave them final instructions to stay hydrated and get plenty of rest. One by one, the boys trickled out to the parking lot to meet their parents.
“Great practice. I think we have a chance this weekend.” Adam packed up the extra balls while Colin dusted the makeshift bases.
Dirt and mud rubbed off on his sweats. Kaitlyn always wrinkled her nose when he showed up looking like he’d been rolling in the field, and he loved to tease her back by mussing up whatever outfit she’d chosen for their rendezvous. Of course, she didn’t really mind but she always played along.
But ten minutes from now, it wouldn’t be the same. Though it’d be so easy to slip into old habits, he had to be strong. His marriage and his career depended on it.
“You gonna keep ignoring me?” Adam chucked a glove at him and laughed.
The glove bounced off Colin, jolting him from his thoughts. “What?”
“Dude. You’re acting weird. All evening you’ve been ignoring the kids whenever they said something and blowing off my suggestions. Something isn’t right.” Adam bent over, picked up the glove, and shoved it inside his duffel bag.
“I have?” Colin winced, afraid that what his closest buddy said was true. Anxiety hummed in his chest, the same way it always did when his private life came open for discussion. He set down the bases and rubbed the back of his neck. Grime and sweat dirtied his palm.
Adam stood in front of him, eyes narrow. “Are you and Marissa having problems again?”
“Again?” Colin snorted. “We never stopped.” He hefted the bases and walked toward his vehicle.
“You don’t have to talk about it, but you do need to know that people notice your weird behavior.”
That couldn’t be true. Colin had done a great job masking his private issues. No one at work had said anything, and Marissa—well, she always nagged. Nothing new there. He popped open the trunk. “You’re the only one who’s noticed.”
“Hazard of having a longtime friend, bro.”
He wouldn’t be a friend for long if he knew, Colin thought. He grabbed the duffel from Adam and shoved that inside the trunk too. “We’ll see you this weekend.”
“Is there something I can do to help? What if we all get together this weekend after the game? Me and Lani, you and Marissa. We’ll make an evening of it, all of us hanging out like the old days. I know Lani and Marissa aren’t close like they used to be, but it’ll be fun.”
Colin slammed the trunk. The truth burned in his chest. There was no point in talking about it now—to Marissa, Adam, or anyone else. Discovering the infidelity was how people got hurt, not the actual committing of it. Right? Cutting loose with the truth would only burden Adam.
“Dude, you’re shaking.” Adam clamped a steadying hand on his shoulder.
“I can’t do it anymore.”
“Do what?”
Colin shrugged Adam’s hand away. “Never mind. I have to go.” He casually waved to the last of the parents driving off.
“I know Marissa hates you being late, but you obviously have something on your mind. I’m sure she’ll be okay.” Adam kept his distance. “Just chill out for a minute.”
“You don’t get it.” Colin closed his eyes and wished he was a better man. Wished he hadn’t strayed. Wished he believed in God, like Adam and his wife. He’d given it a shot, but it just didn’t square up for him. “I fooled everyone, even you.”
“Fooled me?” Adam crossed his arms. “What’s this about?”
“I’m not going home to Marissa—not until after I clear things up with … someone.”
Adam’s sharp breath indicated he knew exactly what Colin meant. “You’re having an affair.”
Affair was such an ugly word and hardly expressed the depth of emotions Kaitlyn had stirred up. Emotions he thought he no longer owned. It hadn’t been cheap or tawdry, not a fling or a one-nighter. And if he were being completely honest with himself, he hated that he had to give it up.
But he hated lying to his wife even more.
He leaned against the car and faced his friend. Shame washed over him, and he couldn’t look Adam in the eye. “It’s not like you think.”
“What—” Adam’s mouth hung open. His hands fisted and he punched the air. “Tell me you’re playing a sick joke. Tell me you aren’t destroying the best thing that ever happened to you. Go ahead!”
“I’m not. It’s done. I broke it off.”
“Then why are you going to meet her tonight?” Adam stuck his finger right between Colin’s eyes. “Answer!”
He shook his head and forced himself to speak. “I don’t know.”
“Unacceptable!”
“She said she needed to see me. All right? She said it’s important. Now let it go!”
“What were you thinking?” Adam ran his hands through his hair. Disgust poured off him like sweat. “Does Marissa know?”
“No.” Colin wheeled in a breath. “But she might suspect,” he amended. The way she was always sneaking up on him and trying to peek at his phone. The extra calls she made to check on him when he was late. The way she always seemed like she had more to say but didn’t.
“It’ll kill her. She’s already—” Adam stopped short of the truth.
It didn’t matter. Everyone knew. It was no secret that Marissa was overly sensitive since they suspected they were unable to conceive again. She was devastated after the miscarriage several years ago—they both were—but worse, she refused to seek an answer. She was determined to conceive naturally. It was hard to stay in love as the months ticked by, and he wouldn’t blame her if she felt the same.
Maybe he’d gone off and fallen for someone else before Marissa could. After all, she’d eventually want to leave him for a man who could give her the one thing she wanted most—a family. At this point, who was to say which one of them was at fault for not having kids? Without medical intervention they’d likely never know. But the way she’d acted over the last few years, she wanted a baby more than she wanted him. If she didn’t get what she wanted, she’d probably start pushing the whole adoption thing.
Adam sat on the hood of his car, parked at the back of Colin’s bumper. He clasped his hands between his knees. “I never thought it would happen with you and Marissa. Man, if it can happen to you guys, it can happen to anyone.”
Colin snorted softly. He never thought he’d be the kind of man to cheat. Even the word sent sick aftershocks through his soul.
“You guys were like the power couple of our group back in the day. Madly in love. Going places.”
“Things change. People change.” He couldn’t believe he’d hidden all his changes so well.
“Not that much.” Adam’s mouth tightened, and his eyes slanted against the evening sunlight. “Who is she?”
“Does it matter?” Colin slid his sunglasses on, thankful for something to hide behind.
“Not really. You’re right—I don’t want to know the details. Why didn’t you tell me before? I mean, maybe I could’ve stopped you.”
No one could’ve stopped him. The draw to Kaitlyn was too strong. Or he was too weak. She was the first thing he thought of in the morning and the last thing on his mind as he fell asleep with his wife stiffly at his side.
“Are you going to tell Marissa?” Colin asked meekly.
“No way. That’s your job.”
“Lani?”
“Man, Colin! You really put everyone in a bind. I don’t like keeping secrets from my wife.” Anger tinged Adam’s words, but Colin didn’t blame him. He used to feel the same way.
“Like you said, it would send Marissa over the edge.”
Adam whistled low. “You mean to say you’re not going to tell her?”
“What’s the point? I cut it off. It’s over. I’m staying with my wife, and that’s all there is to it.” Too bad the execution of his plan wasn’t nearly as simple as it sounded. He popped a stick of gum into his mouth and checked the time on his cell phone.
“And yet you’re on your way to meet … her.” Adam’s brow crimped with disapproval.
“She won’t leave me alone. I need to make sure she doesn’t get angry. When I broke it off, we didn’t really get a chance to talk.”
“So you’re trying to keep her from going Fatal Attraction on you.”
“No—she’s not like that.” Colin swatted the air. “C’mon, do you really think I’d be with someone like that?”
“I never thought you’d be with anyone but Marissa.”
Silence wedged between them, ferreting out the guilt he’d tried so hard to keep buried. “Fine, whatever. My point is, she’s hurt and upset, and if I don’t step in she might talk. I can’t let it get back to Dr. Crank. It’ll blow my tenure.”
“A student? You’ve got to be joking. You really are stupid.”
“Fine!” Colin threw his arms open. “You can lay into me or you can help. Pick.” He ground his teeth until his jaw ached.
“You’re right. That won’t do any good. But neither will seeing her. If you really want to end it, then let it go.”
“But what if she talks?” A pang of regret hit him.
“So be it.” Adam’s expression sobered. “It’s called consequences.”
Kaitlyn
Kaitlyn pulled her car to the edge of the cliff overlooking the pine-laden valley. The view was spectacular, if one wanted to force their car over the ruts and hol
es of the so-called road that led to the overlook. She rolled down the windows and switched off the ignition. Fresh air and the sound of birds in the distance filled her with peace that was scarce at school or at The Bean.
She pulled her cell phone from her book bag. No messages. Not that she’d been expecting one since Colin hadn’t contacted her in nearly two weeks. This evening they’d finally have a chance to patch things up—that was her secret hope.
After five minutes, she climbed out of the car and walked toward a giant boulder that clung to the edge of the cliff. The sun hung over the horizon, coloring the clouds in brilliant reds and oranges. She loved the warmer evenings that summertime offered and had, more than once, imagined she and Colin would spend many such evenings together.
Of course, in her imagination Colin had already made her a part of his everyday life and they spent time together like any normal couple. Maybe it wasn’t just a dream, it was a fantasy. Especially now that she knew he hadn’t planned on going further with their relationship.
She paced the cliff. The breeze kicked up, tugging at her hair. She swept it off her face and behind her ear, then glanced back at the dirt road and willed Colin’s car to appear. While this was a nice place to meet—and by far their most frequented spot—she’d been ready to move things up to the next level. A few times they’d gone to dinner and a movie in Mountainside, the neighboring town where both Sydney’s family and her own lived. Colin felt less like he was under a microscope there, but it wasn’t the same as having their love—or what she’d mistaken for love—out in the open.
Maybe he’d change his mind once he saw her tonight. He’d savor the same memories that were teasing her right now. Like the first time they’d discovered this spot. The hikes and picnics, and the way they cuddled until the sun went down. If she released the memories rather than stuffing them, she could almost feel his breath against her neck, and the smell that was uniquely Colin, a sultry mixture of musk and man.
Kaitlyn swallowed back the pain of his rejection.
Shadows of Hope Page 6