CHAPTER 29
Colin
Congratulations, for the second year in a row—city champs!”
The group of boys cheered loudly enough to startle the rest of the customers in the pizza joint. Colin looked over the group with pride. These kids were like a second family. He would do anything for each one of them, and they all knew it. After a few more encouraging words, the pizza arrived at the tables and the hungry boys dug in.
“Good job, bro.” Adam offered a firm handshake and a wide grin. “Time to celebrate.”
“Kind of sad to see the season end.” Colin sank into a booth and slung his arm over the back of the seat.
“It is, but Lani is going to be glad to have me home more.” Adam slid a slice of meaty pizza from the metal tray onto a paper plate and shoved it in front of Colin. Then he served himself. “How about Marissa?”
Colin scoffed. He hadn’t meant to, but after days of trying to coax Marissa out of her funk, he’d given up. This time she was going to have to pull herself out.
“Dude, what’s happening now?” Adam leaned close and spoke in low tones covered by the whirrs and beeps of the video games nearby. “She’s not excited to have you around more? Have you told her?”
Colin glanced over his shoulder. The kids all busied themselves with cheese and pepperoni, and the parents were huddled in their usual clusters, talking about the game-winning home run—as he should be. Putting on a game face during an actual game was one thing, but schmoozing parents after the fact when he was so broken inside was another. He leaned over the table. “Yeah, I told her. Things went from bad to worse.”
“What you told me was about as bad as it could get.” Disapproval lurked in his eyes. “Does she want to leave you?”
Colin grabbed a straw and tapped it until it tore through the paper. “She hasn’t said so. But then, she hasn’t said anything.”
“Nothing?”
“She stayed in bed the last three days. She may have gone to work yesterday, but I’m not sure.” He picked up his cup and twirled the ice with his straw.
“You don’t even know if your wife has been out of bed?” Fire lit Adam’s eyes and his hands balled into fists. “Then what are you doing here?”
Colin slammed his cup onto the table, harder than he’d meant to. A few parents looked his way but quickly resumed their own conversations. “I had to coach the game. I’m not going to let these kids down.”
“But you’ll let your wife down?”
Colin hated the judgment in his friend’s expression. Too bad he’d told his secret—he’d known at the time it was a bad move. “You have no idea what it’s like to be with Marissa when she goes into one of her moods.”
“Do you even hear yourself?” Adam’s eyes pinched at the corners.
Colin looked away and focused on the lights and buzzing of the games, the laughter of happy children, the smell of cheap pizza—anything but his life. After taking a swig of soda, he forged ahead. “I hear myself, and I know it’s bad.”
“Did you or did you not cut it off with the other woman?” Adam demanded answers that he had no right to, but Colin was in no position to argue.
“I did, but Marissa’s still freezing me out.”
Adam leaned closer and spoke in a loud whisper. “You made sure Marissa knew you ended the affair?”
“Not exactly.”
“What do you mean, not exactly?” Adam swiped his hand over his reddened face. “If she thinks you’ll leave her, then of course she’s inconsolable. Maybe I should have Lani give her a call. She could probably use a friend right about now.”
“That’s just it—I’m not certain we’re going to make it.”
Adam shook his head. “Don’t tell me you’re considering leaving Marissa instead of staying and working on it like a man.”
Taking a jab at his manhood wasn’t going to send Colin scampering back home to a woman who seemed to enjoy sulking. Maybe if she’d talked to him right away he wouldn’t even be considering divorce. Except …
The baby.
Would Kaitlyn accept him if he ended his marriage? She was hardly in a position to turn him away, at least not if she wanted to finish school and give their baby a good life. On the other hand, she certainly had her own mind about things. That was one of the qualities he’d fallen in love with.
But was he in love? It seemed like such an arbitrary word that really had no value. Not when it came to making the nitty-gritty decisions in life.
He resumed stirring his drink with the straw. “I don’t know what I want to do.”
“What about what she wants?”
Colin shot his friend a pointed glare. “She won’t tell me what she wants. She shut me out.”
“Can you blame her?” Adam’s tone softened, causing Colin to consider Marissa when it was simply easier not to.
Colin flashed a thumbs-up to the kids a few tables over who were trying to get his attention. He hated the shame he felt creeping over him, but it was deserved even if he didn’t want to admit it. One thing he knew for certain, once the news came out, he could lose his team and probably his shot at tenure. He was about to become the town pariah, and there was nothing he could do about it. He sighed with resignation. “It would be a lot easier if she would just talk about it, but it’s like she’s given up. I feel bad enough. It was a stupid mistake.”
“Of course it was.” Adam lasered him with a sharp look. “The question is, what are you going to do about it?”
CHAPTER 30
Marissa
The days following Colin’s revelation bled into months that ate me from the inside out. Time blurred, and eventually my survival instinct kicked in to the point where I could eat, barely. Sleep made a few rare and stingy visits, leaving me exhausted and looking like I’d been sucker-punched in the eyes. Still, I kept up the facade, or so I thought.
After the last client of the day walked out the door, Christina pinned me with sympathetic eyes. “You look blue.”
I stiffened, caught. If there was one thing I prided myself on during this abysmal season, it was the ability to scratch out a smile at New Heights. Pouring myself into others was a good thing, even though doing so was an ever-fresh reminder of everything I didn’t have. I could no longer skirt over my infertility the way I once had back when I too had hope.
“Yeah, you aren’t yourself today.” Kaitlyn eyed me over the copy of the pregnancy book she was perusing.
“Tired, mostly.” I bit back anything resembling a lie. No matter how big my phony smile was, it wasn’t big enough to hide behind. I prayed they wouldn’t make further comments and force me to say anything untrue, but the last thing I wanted—or could even imagine tolerating—was to bring the ugliness of my life to New Heights. It was the only place where I could escape, even though the escape was less satisfying than it had been before I canceled my next appointment with the fertility clinic.
There would be no baby in my future.
A shudder rumbled through my body. Quickly, I focused my attention on the diaper covers that had come in this morning. “How many clients are we up this month? We’ll need to get those numbers to Tristan. It’s important for the grants he’s looking into.”
“I just did the tally yesterday.” Kaitlyn set the book on the floor next to her, jumped up, and dusted her bottom. Briefly I envied her youth, but she wouldn’t be jumping for long. At almost five months, her baby bump was developing quite nicely. She crossed into the main room and opened a desk drawer. “Twenty-two this month, and fifteen last month. That makes a grand total of fifty-eight people we’re serving, including moi.”
I pulled the rest of the diaper covers out and threw the plastic bag away. “No wonder I’m worn out.” Ultrasounds, referrals, keeping up with the donations—it was enough to keep the three of us plus Tristan busy full-time. But with Tristan building his private practice, I was left shouldering the majority of the work.
Christina sat on the opposite end of the boutique and shook a b
aby rattle like a maraca before placing it in a basket of toys. “Are you sure that’s all that’s wrong?”
Kaitlyn parked herself back on the floor next to me. “I was wondering the same thing. You’ve been unusually quiet.”
“Are you saying I’m usually noisy?” I quirked my brow and slid into a practiced smile. “Why don’t you ladies tell me what you really think?”
“I’m being serious.” Kaitlyn’s bright green eyes widened.
“So am I.” I picked up the next bag and pulled out a soiled onesie. Gross. I peeked at the rest of the items, which were all in a similar condition, before setting aside the entire bag. The mothers who came to New Heights were already having a hard enough time without having to contend with clothes where a diaper bomb had exploded.
“C’mon now,” Christina said as she tidied the box of toys. “You’re always helping everyone else—including us—but you won’t let us do the same for you.”
My arms deflated against the plastic bag as I considered her words. What she said was true. But as much as I cared for them, I wasn’t willing to let them into my personal life. Not like that. Having Tristan flash me discreet pitiful looks was bad enough, but at least he hadn’t brought it up again, and neither had I. It wasn’t like there was anything he could say that would fortify my crumbling life.
Besides that, I’d been spending more time on my knees than ever before, and I was determined to let God pull me up this time. I wanted to be strong and full of courage. I wasn’t there yet, but I was taking baby steps the same way I’d always advised our clients.
Kaitlyn scooted closer and spoke softly. “You don’t have to say anything—I know there are things I don’t want anyone to know either, so I get that—but you should know that you can talk to us too. It goes both ways.”
I hugged her. “Thank you. I really do appreciate it, and maybe one day I’ll be ready to talk about what’s happening, just not now.”
“In any case,” Kaitlyn said, resuming her perusal of the baby book, “you need to take care of yourself and make your health a priority. It’ll make whatever you’re going through a little easier.”
I studied the changes in my young friend that I’d been too caught up in my own issues to notice. The circles under her eyes had lightened, and she was developing the pregnancy glow. Her entire countenance had shifted from defeated and stressed to strong and maternal. After she’d let me off the hook on my issues, I didn’t dare ask what had happened to lift her up but could only assume the father of her baby was somehow coming around. She’d tell me when she was ready.
“It looks like you’ve been taking your own advice,” I offered, hoping to deflect her attention.
“I have.” She sat taller and set the book onto the pile of knit blankets she’d been working on before she started reading about the fourth month of pregnancy. “I took the doctor’s advice and started exercising.”
“And eating right?” I remembered her house and the sense I had of her bare cupboards. Since then I’d tried to make sure we had a cornucopia of healthy snacks here, available whenever she or the other mothers needed one.
“Trying.” She winced. “But mostly exercise. It really does make a difference in how I feel. Maybe you should come with me.”
“Go on a walk? I do that.” Sometimes, or at least I used to.
“I have something a little more exciting in mind.” She waggled her eyebrows. “We’ll start this weekend.”
CHAPTER 31
Colin
Colin stood at the door and hesitated. His heart ricocheted in his chest in a way it never had the whole time he was cheating. Why was visiting Kaitlyn with honorable intentions more guilt-inducing than the affair? Apparently he wasn’t the smooth operator he’d thought he was.
Rain splattered on the porch around him, mucking up the hem of his slacks. Still, he waited. It was his duty to go in and check on the mother of his baby. If he didn’t help her out, she could end up at New Heights. What a disaster that would be. Except she wasn’t like the other people Marissa worked with—druggies and homeless women, battered women who needed help through their pregnancies. He could safely set that worry aside, especially if he stepped up and made sure Kaitlyn didn’t feel desperate and alone.
He knocked, eager to get inside, check on Kaitlyn, and then get home to his wife where he belonged. Maybe she’d finally be ready to talk. Or maybe she’d still sulk and freeze him out. There was just no telling with her nowadays.
The door cracked open and Kaitlyn peered out. “What are you doing here?”
“You should check the peephole before you open the door.” Consternation niggled inside him. It could have been anyone at the door—a salesman, a missionary, or an intruder. Then what would she do?
“That doesn’t answer my question.” She still didn’t open the door all the way, even though the rain was falling harder and the back of his shirt was getting soaked.
“I came to check on you.” He shoved his hands inside his pockets. “Can I come in?”
“Just for a minute. I—” She paused and glanced away. “I have things to do.” She wore her discomfort on her face, the way her brow puckered and her mouth tightened in ways he hadn’t seen when they were together. Slowly she backed up and let him inside.
The room was hot and muggy, and Kaitlyn was dressed in shorts and a tank top that revealed a small, firm mound. Her hair was in a high knot on top of her head, and her face glistened.
“No air-conditioning?” Colin glanced at the worn love seat and the recliner with patches of torn leather. The decor was sparse and none of it new, that he could tell. Maybe she was in a worse financial situation than he’d surmised from her age and maturity level.
“Please don’t judge. I’m really not in the mood.” Her tone held a sharp edge that made him recoil. She planted herself in the recliner without offering him a drink or a seat. “So … you’re checking on me. After not seeing you for the last month, I thought you’d changed your mind about being part of the baby’s life.”
Colin sank into the love seat and crossed his ankle over his knee while he considered his words. How could he know what to say when he didn’t even know how he felt or what his role should be? He shifted, the leather squeaking beneath him. “I will not change my mind about wanting this baby.”
“That’s good to hear, I guess.” Kaitlyn rubbed her stomach as she met his gaze. “Does your wife know you’re here?”
“I told you, don’t talk about her.” The defensiveness in his voice surprised him. It had been a long time since he’d defended Marissa—something he’d done for years when his family started to question what kind of woman she really was. It was a role he was too familiar with. A role he’d abandoned the first time he kissed Kaitlyn and found admiration in her eyes, unlike the dependency and disappointment he’d come to expect from his wife. A role he never wanted to fill again.
“You do realize that you’re going to have to talk to me about her someday. It’s not like we won’t all be in each other’s lives.”
Unless he left Marissa—an option he’d only briefly considered. Then he’d be free to be a father, unhindered. Maybe he and Kaitlyn would eventually ride out the bumps and make a real family. That was the only thing he’d ever wanted but hadn’t yet found.
No. He wasn’t going there. It would be wrong to drop Marissa, drop their marriage, when she had been true and faithful, despite their issues. He wasn’t a quitter.
Colin fastened his eyes on Kaitlyn. “Let me handle my wife and my marriage. I’m only here right now to check on you and make sure everything is going well.” He hated the coldness in his voice, but to let his guard down for an instant would wreak havoc on his decision to patch up his marriage—if only Marissa would talk.
“Like it or not, our paths are going to cross.” Kaitlyn’s frankness rankled. Though she was more confrontational than Marissa, she still wasn’t generally this forward.
He had to stop comparing the two women. Even thinking abo
ut them at the same time felt like a betrayal—though he wasn’t altogether sure to which one. His heart was split, and it ticked him off that he’d chucked his morals for an affair. Maybe some sick part of him wanted Marissa to know, to inject some kind of emotion other than perpetual disappointment into their marriage. Or maybe he’d subconsciously been looking for a surefire way out.
“You’re awfully quiet for someone who showed up on my doorstep.” Kaitlyn challenged him with a fiery expression.
“Look, I know this isn’t easy for you, but it isn’t easy for me either.” His excuses sounded flimsy even to him, so he charged ahead where he hadn’t wanted to go. “I thought you were on birth control.”
Kaitlyn’s lips pursed. “It takes two, obviously. You could’ve taken steps too since nothing is foolproof.”
The irony of trying for a baby with Marissa year after year, month after month, cycle after crazy, whacked-out cycle, and then impregnating Kaitlyn after being together less than a handful of times, chafed. He relaxed his shoulders and forced meekness into his voice. “Sorry, you’re right. I’m still adjusting to all this.” He pushed out of the love seat and stood in front of the picture window, absorbing the view of the cloud-covered mountain until he calmed down. He spun to face her. “You’re looking a lot better than the last time I saw you.”
“Thanks—I think.” She padded to the kitchen just a few steps away and opened the refrigerator. Aside from a half gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and various condiments, it looked empty.
Not good. A pregnant woman needed food. He didn’t want to risk the health of his child. Or Kaitlyn.
He hated that he still cared about her. That he could sense the worry under her bravado. Sure, the circles under her eyes had faded and she wasn’t clinging to the toilet bowl, but she still wasn’t the perfect combination of focused yet carefree that she was when they met. What would it take to restore her?
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