“I screwed up; I own that. But now I’m ready to move past that. It’s Marissa who won’t move on and figure out how to get along.” He stood and swiped his hand through his sweaty hair. “And to be honest, I’m about done trying.”
Adam’s eyes lit with fury. “You can’t walk out on her after what you did. She deserves to have you put in one hundred percent effort. You owe it to her.”
Colin’s chest swelled and he turned to leave, until guilt swung him back around. He stood, dumbfounded. No one talked to him this way, and he didn’t know how to respond. He glanced around to ensure the few people loitering nearby were out of earshot. “You have no idea what it’s been like living with Marissa for the past several years. I did my best, and I was there for her every step of the way, but it sucked the life out of me. She drained me. So before you go around handing out unwanted advice, you might try to be a little more understanding.”
Adam’s jaw flexed, but his tone softened. “You’re right—I don’t understand exactly what you’re going through, but every marriage, every relationship has issues. You’re never going to find one that’s perfect, so you might as well stay with the one you’re already committed to.”
Shame lapped over Colin, knowing that his friend was being generous by stating that he was committed to his marriage. Obviously he hadn’t been or none of this would’ve happened. Colin looked heavenward at the clouds rolling in like a blanket over the evening sky. “I know you mean well.”
“I do.” Adam stood and palmed Colin’s shoulder. “I want you and Marissa to have all that God has in store for you.”
Colin’s throat constricted. “I tried that road, man, and this is where it led.”
“Did you? Did you give God your all?” Adam’s eyes were filled with something Colin couldn’t identify. Something that made him feel uneasy and small. “Only you know.”
Colin flicked his hands in the air. “I’m trying to be a good guy now and it’s backfiring. At least Kaitlyn’s okay with me. She wants me to be part of my daughter’s life.”
“But you’re not with her, are you?”
Colin focused on the last family in the park as they packed up to leave, stuffing their kids’ arms inside jackets and grabbing their football and Frisbee. Could that be him one day? A family without secrecy? A happy family was all he’d ever wanted. He turned his attention back to Adam. “No, we’re not together.” He swallowed hard, but the truth bobbed back to the surface. “After all those soul-sucking years with Marissa, being with Kaitlyn was like having a whole new life, like I was someone she could love and admire. I really thought I loved her.”
“But what about Marissa—do you still love your wife?”
Conflicting emotions agitated inside his gut. “I want to, but I don’t feel that way about her anymore.”
“Love is more than feelings.”
Colin pointed at his friend. “Don’t bumper-sticker me.”
“I’m telling the truth. If it were all about feelings, no one would stay together.” Adam threw his hands into the air. “Lani and I have had our share of troubles.”
“Like I said, I want to love her, but I don’t think that’s ever coming back. But when I’m with Kaitlyn—”
“Don’t go there,” Adam said with an authority that rattled Colin to his core. “Whatever it is you think you have with this other woman, I guarantee it’s not love.”
CHAPTER 43
Marissa
The smell of roasted turkey permeated the kitchen, peeling away the last of my defenses with the old-fashioned fragrance of home. I closed my eyes and inhaled, thankful for this one treasured moment. Despite Colin’s absence and the holes in my heart, deep down I sensed God’s presence and His assurance that all would be well, even if my future looked different than I’d planned.
“We just need to let the turkey rest a few minutes before we put it on the table.” Mom toddled around the kitchen, apron tied around her thick middle and her white hair slicked back into a bun, just the way she liked it for cooking. “You’d better finish up with the potatoes.”
Pulled out of my prayerful state, I resumed mashing, ready to add the cream cheese and sour cream to the buttery potatoes once all the lumps were vanquished. “Almost done with this, then I can finish setting out the other dishes.”
“I can do that.” She bustled over to the island at the center of the kitchen and grabbed the yams. “You’d better call Colin and tell him to hurry up. I don’t want to start without him.”
I winced. “Remember, Mom? We talked about this. He isn’t coming.”
Mom set the yams down with a clatter and scowled. “What are you talking about? Of course he’s coming; it’s Thanksgiving. Call him up.”
“No, Mom, he’s not.” I tore open the tub of sour cream and dumped it in indiscriminately. Had she really forgotten about Colin, or had she chosen to ignore me when I told her? I started mashing again, this time with a vengeance.
“I wish you would have told me. Look at all this food!”
“I did tell you.” Lately she and I had gone round and round over appointment schedules and cancellations and missing bills—the list was endless. But this time … had I actually forgotten to tell her? I didn’t explicitly remember the conversation, just the impression of it. To be fair, it sounded like a conversation I would’ve avoided as long as possible. I opened the cream cheese and plopped it into the bowl, wondering what else I’d forgotten to tell her. “Did I mention that Tristan is coming instead?”
Mom stopped halfway between the kitchen and the dining area, bowl of gravy in hand. She scrutinized me the same way she had when I came home three hours late from prom. “No.”
“Surprise.” I injected lightness and folly into my voice and prayed she’d drop the subject.
Mom issued a lengthy groan. “That’s not going to help matters.”
Casually, I whipped the potatoes and hoped she would lighten up. Now that I’d stopped fretting as much, I wanted everyone around me to do the same. “What? Inviting my best friend to Thanksgiving? It’s not going to hurt anything.”
She fisted her hands on her hips. “Your marriage is a mess!”
Good ol’ Mom. I could always count on her for truth, but I wasn’t going to let that wreck my day. “My peace I give you”—the scripture I’d meditated on since Colin told me a few days ago that he wanted to be with his parents today instead of with me. My peace wasn’t going to come through circumstances, so I had to rely on God, and truthfully I was getting good at it.
“Tristan has nothing to do with my marriage.” I smiled at Mom as I wiped a splotch of gravy off her cheek. “So please be nice to him. He’s a good guy.”
“A little too good, if you ask me.”
“I didn’t.”
“But what does he want from you? There’s a reason he keeps coming around.” She picked up the carving knife and held it aloft.
“Mom, listen to me.” I stared her down. “Tristan and I are friends and business partners, nothing else. It’s been that way for years. You know that.” I couldn’t count how many times he’d come to visit me when I was in college, living with Mom. There was no reason for her to get flustered about my relationship with Tristan now. “Trust me when I say he’s my best friend and has been since before I ever met Colin. I don’t think of him that way, so you can stop worrying.”
“I’m just saying that having another man around isn’t helpful when you’re trying to fix your marriage.”
“Mom, it’s time to get realistic.” I carried the mashed potatoes to the dining area. “My marriage might not be fixable.”
“Don’t tell me you’re leaving him.”
My shoulders went rigid. “I don’t plan to.” But that didn’t mean he wouldn’t leave me for his new family. Now that he’d stopped coming to counseling with me and we’d reverted back to the shallowness of polite conversation, I had no idea what he was thinking. And it scared me.
“My peace I give you.”
I dr
ew a fortifying breath and focused on the scent of Thanksgiving, grounding myself in the here and now, not unlike what Grace taught in the recent birthing classes at New Heights. I’d made it through yesterday, I was still standing today, and tomorrow had enough troubles of its own. I didn’t need to obsess over them prematurely. I would move forward with confidence in God and in the changes I was making for myself. Colin would join me if and when he chose to.
“Maybe you could just be happy for me as long as I’m happy, no matter what happens with Colin.”
“But that’s not what I’m praying.”
“Well,” I said as I stood taller, “maybe you’re praying wrong.”
The doorbell rang. Mom ambled to the door and swung it open, a grin dominating her face. “Come in.” She extended her arms and pulled Tristan into a hug. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, she liked Tristan just as much as I did.
“I really appreciate you letting me come over, Mrs. M.” Tristan handed over a bottle of sparkling cider.
Mom beamed as she ushered him inside. “You don’t need to thank me. You’re welcome here anytime.” Funny thing was, I believed her despite her earlier rant. She was just trying to protect me and look out for my future, and I could appreciate that. Love for my mother swelled inside me.
“Let me take your coat,” I said after Mom brushed past us to get back to her turkey.
“Thanks. Where’s Kaitlyn?”
The buzz of the electric carving knife sounded from the kitchen, so I moved Tristan toward the dining area. “I invited her, but she said she’d be visiting with friends.” My stomach clenched as I second-guessed myself for not insisting.
Tristan’s forehead wrinkled. “Did she say who?”
“Not really, but I’m guessing Sydney, her birthing coach.” I bit my lip, the peace I’d treasured moments ago leaking away. “Maybe we can check on her later. Sometimes I think she says things because she doesn’t want to be a bother.”
“I get that feeling too.” Tristan swiped the back of his neck, concern etched on his face.
“The plans for her baby shower are coming along nicely.” I smiled over the pain. “Sydney is helping me put it together and plan the games. It’ll be fun. Too bad you can’t go.”
Tristan shook his head and grinned. “You couldn’t pay me to be at a hen party like that.”
“I don’t know about that. You fit in pretty well at the birthing classes.”
“I’m going to try to be flattered instead of offended.” Tristan stepped aside as Mom entered the room carrying a platter nearly as big as she was. “Now that is one beautiful bird.”
“Old family recipe.” Mom waggled her eyebrows. Maybe she was the one with the hots for Tristan.
After prayer, the three of us dished up a meal made for dozens. How many of the struggling women at New Heights would this have fed? I resolved to take the leftovers to work, especially since it would be at least one step healthier than the pastries I’d been feeding the mothers.
Tristan spooned mashed potatoes onto his plate. “How’s the job hunt coming?”
I stiffened, suddenly remembering the other thing I forgot to tell Mom.
“Job hunt?” Mom’s turkey-loaded fork hovered between her plate and her gaping mouth. “What happened to New Heights?”
“Nothing.” I dragged my fork through a puddle of gravy, my appetite stunted. “I’ve just been thinking about making some changes in my life, but New Heights will still be there.”
“Sorry,” Tristan mumbled. “I didn’t realize you hadn’t said anything.”
“I wasn’t telling anyone yet.”
“I’m not just anyone.” Mom spanked me with her glare.
“Well, now you both know, plus my therapist. That makes three.” I forged a smile.
“You’re in therapy?” Mom’s fork clattered onto her plate.
“I guess we haven’t talked as much as I thought.” I took a bite of yams so I wouldn’t have to continue justifying my lack of thoughtfulness.
Tristan grimaced. Poor man. Though he’d said all the right things since I’d told him I wanted a change, he was clearly unhappy whenever the subject came up. The way his shoulders hunched and the downward curve of his mouth said everything his words didn’t. But he cheered me on and put my needs above those of New Heights. I loved him for that.
“Why are you doing this? What are you going to do?” Mom’s eyebrows knit together.
I left her first question hanging and plowed into the second. “I applied to be an ultrasound tech at the hospital. They have a position coming open next month.” I took a sip of sparkling cider and savored the tang. “I’m really excited. It’ll be a good change for me.” Even considering the prospect sparked a thrill inside me that I hadn’t experienced since opening New Heights, when the possibilities appeared endless.
And yet, there were things at New Heights I still wanted to accomplish, people I didn’t want to disappoint.
“You’ve always loved your job.” Mom’s wistful tone reverberated inside me.
“It’s not a done deal.” I resumed swirling my food around the overstuffed plate, reluctant to eat too much lest I undo all the work I’d done yesterday at the gym.
“Just make sure I get plenty of notice.” Tristan didn’t meet my eye. “You’re going to be hard to replace.”
I snorted. “Not too many people willing to work for almost free.”
Tristan brightened. “If it’s more money you need—”
“It’s never been about the money.” My painfully thin bank account testified to that. “But it’ll be nice in case …” I shook my head, unwilling to go there. Unwilling to acknowledge my deepest fears. Unwilling to talk about what would happen to me if Colin left.
“So you needed therapy to make the decision?” Mom tilted her head and watched me, completely ignoring the meal.
“No, the therapy was originally—” I waved my hands back and forth. “Forget it, I don’t want to talk about this. It’s Thanksgiving. It’s time for us to be thankful and happy. Can we focus on those things? Things we can be grateful for?”
Mom deflated, releasing a year’s worth of sighs in one breath. “I know why you’re leaving your job. It makes you sad, doesn’t it?”
Finally she’d figured out my most painful secret without my having to say it.
Moisture pooled in my eyes until I blinked it away. There were no words to combat the obvious.
Mom leaned close and placed her hand over mine, her gentleness weakening my defenses. “I’m sad too, and what you’re doing makes sense. You’re right to take care of you.”
“Like I said, it’s not a done deal.” I turned to Tristan and studied his face, searching for answers I knew he didn’t have. “Plus, I still don’t know about leaving New Heights in a bind.”
“Don’t think like that.” Tristan covered Mom’s hand with his and focused on me with an intensity and devotion I hadn’t felt in years. “It’s time for you to focus on yourself, and I’m here for you all the way.”
Warmth, deep and comforting, spread through me and lifted my confidence. If two people as wonderful as my mother and Tristan supported me, then I would survive whatever came next. Maybe I would do better than survive; I could be an overcomer. With their support, maybe I could even forgive—truly forgive—Colin, and even the woman who had so little regard for me that she would have my husband’s child.
Colin
Colin gunned the accelerator and flew down the road. What was happening to him? He had always been cool and measured in his responses, getting neither excited nor flustered by circumstances. But lately he couldn’t hold his tone or his manners to save his life.
He slowed the car and turned the corner, away from his parents’ house. Deep breath. It went far worse than he’d anticipated, but that didn’t mean Mom and Dad wouldn’t come around eventually. They might stay mad at him, but they wouldn’t let it keep them from their grandchild.
At least he’d told them, even if his ti
ming was bad. One more item to cross off his list of things to get in order before the baby came. As long as Kaitlyn didn’t reenroll in school, it really wouldn’t matter if Dr. Crank and the rest of the staff found out, and even then it wasn’t like he was up for tenure.
There was the question of his finances, though, and that was tougher to solve. If he and Marissa didn’t pool their resources, he wasn’t sure how he was going to support his daughter. They were still paying off their student loans, and they weren’t going away anytime soon. They both could’ve used better judgment in the early years.
He rolled down the window and relished the stark breeze that whipped through the car. It was good for clearing his thoughts. All the advice coming to him from Adam plus his concern over Kaitlyn and the future really had him muddled and unsure of himself. That was a new feeling, and one he wanted to get rid of as soon as possible.
The only holdup was Marissa.
Some sort of understanding had to be formed. They were running out of time. With only a month to go, he needed answers, and his wife held the key to all of them. Of course, ditching her for Thanksgiving probably wasn’t the best idea, but she also hadn’t wanted to come to visit his family. Given that he’d started the latest round of issues, he should’ve given in and tried to make peace with her mother.
Reluctantly, Colin pointed his car toward his mother-in-law’s home. Showing up unannounced was better than not showing up at all. Nothing would be resolved by all the time spent apart. More time together was what Adam had suggested a few days ago on the phone. Of course, that meant the strain of pretending.
But if pretending to love Marissa was what it took, then he’d man up and do it.
Ten minutes later he pulled into Alina’s neighborhood and slowed to twenty-five. He took a fortifying breath as he rounded the corner.
Until he saw Tristan’s car.
Adrenaline hammered through his veins. Colin stopped the car in the middle of the road and held the steering wheel with a death grip. What was he doing here? Looking for an opportunity to swoop in and take his place by Marissa’s side?
Shadows of Hope Page 26