by RJ Blain
“Essentially, yes. In your file, you are described as an argumentative and difficult individual. Your performance record is top notch. Our records also indicate you’re currently unemployed. I can offer you a lucrative position.”
“That position better not be as a surrogate, Mr. Clemmends.”
“Bring me proof of your non-single marital status and we’ll discuss the proposal for your employment, Miss Gardener.” He hung up on me. The bastard had hung up on me. I listened to the dial tone for a solid minute before I returned the phone to its cradle.
An amused, unharmed Quinn got to his knees beside his desk. “You’re speechless. Such a rare moment. I need to really enjoy this.”
“I have to prove I’m not a virgin and that my marital status is not eternally single, Quinn. How the hell am I supposed to prove I’m not a virgin?”
“We could—”
“Don’t even think about it, buddy.”
He grinned at me, gathered the dropped books, and set them on his desk. “It’s easy. I’ll ask an angel or an incubus to confirm. Preferably an angel. An incubus would take one look at you and want to experience you for himself. I don’t share. As for the other part, I have an idea.” Picking up his phone, Quinn dialed a number. “Commissioner? It’s Sam. I need the day off—and possibly part of tomorrow—to deal with the psycho ex-wife, another gorgon issue, and some personal business. I also broke my phone again, so I need to pick up a new one. I’ll give you a call on it later today.”
“You’re a terrible police chief, Quinn,” I muttered.
“Yes, there’s a woman in my office. No, she isn’t one of my cops. Okay. Fine.” Quinn offered me the phone. “He wants to talk to you.”
Puzzled, I took the phone and perched on the edge of Quinn’s desk. “Hello?”
A man with a deep voice chuckled. “You must be the mysterious Bailey Gardener.”
“Yes, sir.”
“I saw a picture of you with your hand in Sam’s back pocket this morning. At, if I’m not mistaken, the Plaza. I have another picture of him carrying you like a princess in his arms in front of 120 Wall Street. I was wondering when I’d get to speak with you.”
Oh boy. “It’s really not my fault this time, sir.”
The commissioner laughed. “Call me Jack, dear. I’ve already been informed of your gorgon problems, especially the one you discouraged yesterday.”
“Yippee.” I sighed.
“If you’re going to do anything nefarious with Sam that may have long-lasting repercussions, I recommend Virginia. It’s closer than Ohio and enjoys the same lax laws.” Jack hung up.
“People keep hanging up on me, Quinn.”
He took the phone out of my hand and returned it to its cradle. “It’s okay.”
“He recommends Virginia for anything nefarious we might be planning. I wasn’t aware we were planning anything nefarious, Quinn.”
Laughing, Quinn grabbed his coat and headed for the door. “Move your ass, woman. We’re going on a drive.”
“We are?”
“Yes. Move it.” Yanking open his office door, he stuck his head out into the main room. “Perkins, call Longville in. I’m leaving for the day. I need two volunteers going off shift to come with me.”
“I’m in,” Perky replied. “Calling Longville now.”
Nilman stood. “I already volunteered, sir.”
“Get your stuff. We leave in five.”
Chapter Fifteen
Quinn left me at Perky’s desk long enough to change his clothes. When he returned, he had stolen my outfit. I looked down at my white top, leather jacket, and jeans the Plaza had delivered to replace my ruined clothes.
Ah-ha. Mystery solved. Quinn had been the one behind the clothes.
The sneaky bastard was probably responsible for the dress and lace lingerie, too. Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky. I’d have to reward him for his cunning later.
But first, I needed to rib the devious police chief. “Why are you wearing my clothes, Quinn?”
“You looked so good in yours I had to see if I could compare.”
And the round went to him. Spluttering, I turned to Perky and pointed at the smug police chief. “I think he’s defective. Has he ever seen my face, Perky?” I tapped my cheek to point out my scars. “Ain’t nothing pretty about this package.”
Perky laughed. “The scars look like cute little freckles, and you’re surprisingly pretty when you smile. That said, I’m going to have to side with you on this one. Chief, you don’t have to do anything to be pretty.”
In Quinn’s sigh, I heard the worn patience of a man near the end of his rope. One or two more yanks wouldn’t hurt anything, right? I flashed the cops my best smile. “He’s so much sexier in that jacket than I am. How much do you think I’d get for him if I put him up for auction?”
Perky’s laugh promised trouble for someone. “You’d get a lot more for him if you got him out of his jacket and dumped some water all over him.”
“You’re right. I would.”
“Gardener.”
I needed more of that growl. “People are going to ask if I’m your ugly sister or something. Then the men are going to start hitting on me so their sisters might get a chance to have you.”
“Gardener!”
Score. “That’s punishment for that travesty you named Suzy in the break room. Who uses such a cheap pathetic coffee maker in such a nice place?”
“Hear, hear!” the cops cheered. Then, a chaotic chorus of catcalls filled the station.
“Down with Suzy!”
“Can we keep the barista full time?”
“Hey, Gardener! You can come home with me anytime.”
I blinked since the last comment had come from one of the women. “You just want me for my coffee, don’t you.”
“Don’t forget to bring the dust. Your dust is the best.”
With my certifications, I could contact a supplier and put in a few orders for dust. Happy cops made for a happy city, right? Maybe if I got Quinn happy enough, he’d keep me happy.
“I don’t like that look on your face, Gardener. You’re scheming something.”
Damn it. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Chief Quinn. We need to go to the bank and deal with Suzy. Now.”
Quinn sighed. “Is your SUV here today, Perkins?”
“For the honor of watching Gardener kill Suzy so we can have good coffee, I would love to drive you around in my SUV, Chief Quinn.”
“Why do I feel like you all like Gardener more than you like me?” Quinn shot a glare at me, and if it weren’t for his mouth twitching in an effort not to grin, I might’ve been worried.
“She’s going to make us coffee, Chief.” Perky widened his eyes and swooned against Nilman.
Nilman shoved Perky upright. “He’s right, sir. You make us coffee, but we’ve been considering asking the CDC to give it a hazard rating.”
I smiled, skipped my way to the elevator, and pressed the down button. “Bailey Gardener, Goddess of Coffee.”
“Calamity Queen,” Quinn muttered.
Kicking would be a lot more effective if the man stopped dodging me. “Stay still, you.”
“No.”
“Bah.”
In the downstairs garage, we piled into Perky’s black SUV, and Quinn sat in the back with me. “Take us to the bank, first. Gardener needs to deposit a check.”
I gave Perky directions to the nearest branch. It took twenty minutes and a call to the CDC to confirm I really was a newly fledged millionaire for the bank to deposit my check. The reality of the situation shocked me even more than the teller, who could see my pitiful balances over the course of my entire adult life. Updating my home address to Quinn’s place took an extra fifteen minutes, and I ultimately needed to wave him over so he could present his badge and his driver’s license to convince the teller I was staying at his place until further notice. He even promised to submit better proof of residency later.
Within ten minutes, I bet the
rumor mill would get hold of the news and go wild with it.
Worse, the woman drooled over Quinn, and I barely escaped the bank without trying to kill her.
“You’re so jealous,” he whispered in my ear on our way out. “Come on. Teach me the errors of my coffee-making ways instead of trying to murder a swooning bank teller.”
“I thought we were going on a drive.”
“We’ll get to that part eventually. First, I need to buy the good will of my officers, so when I do return to the station, they don’t stage a mutiny.”
“You should buy them some snacks, too. They keep feeding me stale chips. That can’t be healthy.”
“You’re trying to bankrupt me, aren’t you? First you threaten to kill Suzy, now you want me to buy snacks for the station? It’s a fifteen story building. That’s a lot of law enforcement personnel.”
“Maybe if you were a better police chief, you wouldn’t have to bribe your officers to like you.”
“You might be right.” Quinn herded me into Perky’s SUV. “Chauffeur, take us to a store that sells good coffee machines. The Calamity Queen herself has declared it.”
“Shut up, Chief Queeny.”
I suffered from a case of sticker shock so severe Quinn took the terminal out of my hand, swiped my bank card, and held the device for me while his hand covered the display. “Just tap in your pin, Gardener. Ignore the number I’m covering with my hand. The number is a lie. You can actually afford the money you’re spending. You reassured me twenty times you intend to spend this money so you can murder my precious Suzy. You even called the bank to make sure the transaction would clear.”
My pin. Right. I had one of those. If I hit the little black and yellow buttons on the device in the right order, it became my pin. I pressed the buttons. The machine made a happy pinging sound. The police chief took over, pressing a few more buttons on the terminal before handing it to the cashier.
A whimper escaped me.
How could a coffee maker be so expensive? Why had I purchased fifteen of them? I turned to Perky and made a choked sound in my throat. “What have I done?”
“I’m concerned, Chief. I think you broke her.”
“It’s not my fault she has a problem with Suzy.”
“I just spent five thousand dollars on a coffee maker. Why didn’t you stop me, Perky?” I swallowed. Why had I spent so much on one coffee maker? No, on fifteen of them, one for each floor of the police station.
Quinn slipped his hands into my coat and retrieved my wallet, slipped my bank card back inside, and returned my wallet to its proper place. “Fifteen of them.”
“I just spent five thousand dollars on a coffee maker.”
“You’re so tired. Yes, you spent a lot of money on coffee makers. The entire station will idolize you now. You’ll visit, and your worshippers will line up and feed you stale chips and bow before you.” Placing his hands on my shoulders, Quinn turned me around and marched me out of the restaurant supply store. “Suzy really was doing fine. She has served faithfully for years.”
“Suzy dies.”
“You really have it out for my poor Suzy.”
“The bitch dies. Her coffee’s terrible, and you pay too much attention to her. My coffee’s better. Deal with it.”
“But I’m going to miss Suzy.”
“I’ll shove Suzy so far up your ass you’ll need an operation to get her out. So help me, if she’s still there the next time I go to the station…”
We left the store and headed to Perky’s SUV, which was parked right outside the building. While I fumed, Perky and Nilman cracked up laughing.
“Just get in the damned car, Gardener.”
I yanked open the door and scrambled inside. “What have I done? I just spent five thousand dollars on a coffee maker.”
Perky twisted around in his seat, reached back, and gave my knee a slap. “It’s okay, Gardener. I know you’re not used to performing charitable acts. You did a good deed, and I promise it won’t kill you.”
Did buying coffee makers for sad cops count as a charitable act? “Are you sure?”
“Yes,” everyone chorused.
Quinn grabbed my seatbelt and buckled me in. “One more stop, Perky. I need to swing by the Plaza and get something out of my car. Then we’re going for a drive.”
“What about your phone? You threw your phone in the toilet.” Oh, I sounded all slurry. Damn it. I really was tired.
“I better get some coffee first, Chief. We might lose Gardener if we don’t get some java down her throat.”
“Might be wise. Three stops, then. Coffee, Plaza, replacement cell phone. Nilman, you’re on coffee duty. If you run in, Perkins can drive around the block. You need the exercise.”
The old man laughed. “What do you take in yours, Gardener?”
“Make mine blacker than my soul.”
Quinn snorted. “Don’t ask for the impossible.”
Not even a triple espresso saved me. The instant Quinn tucked his blanket around me, it was lights out. The scent of coffee right under my nose roused me, and with a wordless growl, I untangled myself enough to make a grab for the cup. It warmed my hand and promised good things to come.
Coffee made everything better.
I could even forgive Perky for chuckling and sounding far too happy for anyone’s good. “We’re here.”
Where was here? Did I care? Mmm. Coffee. I sipped at it, and a happy sigh escaped me.
Someone with a good coffee machine and some skill had made my coffee, so black I needed to drink it before it dissolved through the cup and made its escape. “What time is it?”
“Three in the morning. We got stuck in traffic leaving New York, leaving New Jersey, again in Baltimore, and one last time in Washington. I tried telling the chief taking the 95 was a dumbass move, but he insisted. Since I had talked back—and was right—the chief thought I’d be the best one to wake you. I’m not sure if he thinks you like me or if I’m just expendable. He’s inside, and thanks to a little bit of powdered joy, he’s in a really good mood. I may have spiked his coffee with some pixie dust I bought from Mary. If he hasn’t figured it out, don’t tell him.”
Why would Mary sell a cop pixie dust? Was she insane? Was she trying to get arrested? I sighed and took another sip of my coffee. Nope, turned out coffee didn’t have magical properties capable of restoring sanity to the world. Bummer. “Mary sold you dust. What grade, Perky?”
“C. The tiny vial sealed in red wax scares me, especially since she put it in my pants. I got groped by a faerie. If my wife finds out, she’s going to kill me.” Perky pulled out a vial I recognized as containing A+++ pixie dust. “I’m pretty sure having this in my pants is a felony of some sort.”
I sighed, as he was correct about the felony part. The thick coating of wax would probably keep the vial from breaking if someone dropped it. At least Mary—or whoever had packaged it—had treated the batch like the hazardous material it was. While pixie dust of any grade wouldn’t actually hurt someone, it took days for the highest grade stuff to wear off, and anyone dosed could be talked into doing anything with a smile.
“Give me that, you idiot. Did she really give that to you?” I secured my grip on my coffee with one hand and snatched the vial with the other. “You were right. Having this is a felony. Do you know what would happen if I dosed you with this?”
“I’d be the happiest man on Earth, and I wouldn’t be exaggerating.”
“You’d be my slave, too. You’d be so happy you’d do whatever anyone wanted and not even think twice about it.”
“But I’d be happy, Gardener. Would you deny me my happiness?”
“Yes.” To make certain he didn’t get any ideas, I stuffed the tiny vial into my bra. If Quinn wanted to find some happiness down my shirt, I’d consider having a fortunate accident occur. “Since C grade doesn’t actually require a special license, we’ll pretend you didn’t have this vial, Perky.”
“Despite appearances, I’m actually a good
cop. I was issued a temporary permit. She can’t stock it in her shop without you, so she requested someone to dispose of it. The CDC gave me a permit since I’m the closest thing they had to a reasonable adult at the station. I’ve been sitting on that for weeks waiting for a chance to give it to you in private. I figured you wouldn’t want anyone knowing you were packing the good stuff.”
“Did the CDC tell you what they wanted me to do with this vial?”
“No, they didn’t. I figured the certified specialist would know what to do with it.”
“Great. I’ll have to call in and ask. Wonderful. Haven’t they caused me enough problems for one week? I’m still surprised they gave you a permit. You really have them fooled, don’t you?”
Perky laughed. “I know. It’s like they think I’m a cop with a doctorate for some reason. So weird.”
If Mary had unloaded the A+++ vial, what had happened to the A++ one? Some instinct, the same one that had warned me Chief Quinn was walking trouble the first time I’d seen him, blared silent alarms. “What happened to the A++ vial?”
“What A++ vial?”
“The one Mary had in stock.”
“I have no idea. She gave me this one plus some C for the station. She even had a permit to sell the C grade vial. She gave me a really good price on it, too. Maybe she used the A++ dust? She was pretty happy when I saw her.”
Why me? I’d have to investigate eventually, which meant I’d be sent to her shop, which meant I’d have to deal with the disaster surrounding my terminated employment in person. Unlike Mary, I wouldn’t be cruising on a high to get through the discussion. “Please tell me you scanned the vials to confirm their grades.”
“Yes, Mom.” Perky snorted and got out of the SUV. “Now that you’ve had your coffee, can we go inside? I’m sure Chief Quinn is causing trouble for someone without adult supervision, and Nilman likes encouraging him.”
“Where are we, anyway?”