by Helen Cox
You see, Grace, this is your karma for kissing a bloke when you’re supposed to be solving the case of his missing fiancée – now you have to sit and listen to a millionaire’s daughter hit on your not-so-secret crush. And when you go to hell for your sins, you’ll no doubt relive this moment on a loop.
‘So what did you want to talk to me about?’ Patrick said, loud enough, she thought, that he might have guessed where she was hiding and he wanted her to be able to hear the conversation.
‘Sorry to drag you away from the party, and to bring up sad topics, but actually I wanted to talk to you about Jodie and say, you know, how sorry I was about what happened to her.’
Grace heard a little crack in Selina’s voice that suggested she might be on the brink of tears. Was that genuine sympathy or was it guilt?
‘Thanks,’ said Patrick, ‘it is a terrible thing.’
‘It is, and I’m sorry I didn’t get in touch with you after it happened.’
‘I don’t blame you. You weren’t the only one who didn’t know what to say.’
‘I wanted to reach out. But it was complicated. When Jodie disappeared we weren’t on good terms.’
‘Yeah, I know,’ Patrick said. ‘She mentioned at the time you’d had a falling-out. If it makes you feel any better, me and Jodie had a bit of a spat on the morning she disappeared, too, so I know how it feels to not be able to get closure.’
‘I’m sorry. It’s the worst feeling. Did Jodie . . . Did she say what our falling-out was about?’
‘No.’
‘Well, that was good of her. If she’d told anyone at the time, I would have been screwed.’
‘Screwed in what way?’
‘Every way but the good way.’
There was a pause where Grace imagined Patrick was frowning just as hard as she was, trying to figure out what was going on here.
‘Did you have something to do with the drugs Berkeley said she found in her locker? Is that what it was about?’
‘No, I— Well, if I tell you, you have to promise you won’t say a thing to anyone until I say it’s OK to talk about it.’
‘As long as it’s not illegal I’ll agree to that.’
‘Illegal? Wow, you do have a low opinion of me.’
‘It’s not that,’ said Patrick. ‘Venerable Bede’s is pretty strict for us non-millionaires and I don’t want to get myself into something I can’t get out of.’
‘Fair enough.’
Another lengthy pause.
‘The truth is, Jodie and I fought because I liked her. A lot.’
‘I don’t understand why that would—’
‘Romantically, Patrick. I liked her like you liked her.’
‘Oh.’
Silence fell between them for a moment before Patrick asked the question that was on the tip of Grace’s tongue.
‘Why did that result in a fight between the two of you? I didn’t have anything to do with it, did I?’
‘The word “fight” is a bit of an exaggeration but it happened in the cafeteria and all people really saw – and by people I mean the supervisory lunchtime staff members who will take any excuse to report you – was me and Jodie shouting and pushing each other around. It was my fault. She wasn’t upset that I had feelings for her, she was upset because I told her I couldn’t be friends with her any more.’
‘Because she was going to marry me and it was too hard to be around her?’ said Patrick.
‘Not quite. I realized I was bi in sixth form and tried to come out to my parents. I say “tried” because they absolutely lost it, especially Dad. He went on and on about the family’s reputation – as though being bisexual was some terrible smirch on the family name – and said if I went public with my news he would cut me off from any financial support. Not only that, he got so mad when I first told him, it got . . . physical.’
‘He hit you?’ Patrick said, with a sharp note in his voice that betrayed a spark of anger.
‘I had two black eyes by the time he’d finished,’ Selina said, and it was clear by the wavering in her voice that she was crying. ‘He said nobody would want me looking like that so it would keep me out of trouble. I had to stay in the house for three weeks until I looked normal again.’
Grace couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Selina behaved in this carefree, casual manner. On the surface she had everything that most people dreamt of having and yet behind all that was an abusive and controlling father. Was this the only time her dad had seen fit to ‘put her in her place’, Grace wondered. She couldn’t imagine life at the hands of an abusive parent. Yes, she and her own parents weren’t seeing eye to eye just now, but there was no way they’d ever get physical with her. That kind of pain was unimaginable. The bruises might heal but the betrayal would never go away.
‘Jesus Christ. I’m so sorry you had to go through that,’ said Patrick. ‘I just don’t have anyone in my circle who would react that way.’
‘My dad was born in prehistoric times, apparently,’ Selina said with a sniff. ‘So when I realized my feelings for Jodie were growing into more than friendship I had to cut ties. It was silly really. I’d only known her a couple of weeks but the moment I met her, well, you probably know better than anyone how I felt.’
‘Yeah, I tried to play it cool with her in the beginning, the way teenage boys do, but everyone else could see I was smitten with her from the get-go.’
‘I can see why,’ said Selina. ‘I want to be clear: I wouldn’t have made a move on her but having to hide who I am all the time is bad enough without hanging out with someone who stirs all those feelings up in you every day.’
‘I get that,’ said Patrick. ‘But how did this exchange get physical?’
‘Jodie was upset with me for wanting to break off the friendship and was trying to walk off before I had completely finished telling her my reasons why. I liked her a whole lot and didn’t want her to just have half a story so I tried to stop her walking away. She tried to dodge and push past me a couple of times but I really wanted her to hear me out so I tried to hold her back. There was a bit of jostling, nothing violent, just a bit of back and forth, but unfortunately, the lunchtime supervisors saw it and shopped us to Berkeley, and you know what an old stickler she is. She insisted we both write a statement about what happened for our academy record. I sent Jodie a text message of the story I was going to use so our statements would match and when the matter wasn’t taken any further it was clear she had gone along with it even though she never replied to the message, or talked to me again.’
‘What was the story?’ asked Patrick.
‘I said that we were fighting over our affections for you so that there’d be no official record of what we really fought about but so the blame for the incident would still rest with me. I knew Berkeley would try to pin it on Jodie because she was a scholarship student and I couldn’t stand the idea of her losing everything over my family politics. So I took responsibility for starting it – which I did really.’
‘Still, I’m sure she appreciated you taking most of the heat.’
‘I don’t know, as I say, I never got to talk to her again. She didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t her fault my family is messed up.’
‘Well, I appreciate you not trying to steal her away from me,’ said Patrick.
‘Like I ever could,’ said Selina. ‘I had no chance. She was totally in love with you.’
‘I know,’ Patrick said, in a tone that was laced with pain.
‘I’m sorry to ask you to do this, but I need you to keep my sexuality a secret for now.’
‘As far as I’m concerned it’s nobody else’s business.’
‘Thanks. I never planned to live this way for ever. I made a promise to myself in sixth form that I’d find a way to become financially independent. That’s why I’m building my YouTube channel. I hope to be able to stand on my own two feet at some point but I’m not there yet. I know a lot of people think my place here was a given because of my dad’s status and m
oney, but I worked hard to get into Venerable Bede’s and can’t afford the tuition without my dad’s help. By the time I leave here I hope I’m going to be able to monetize my YouTube channel and then I’ll be able to lead life on my own terms.’
‘Sounds like a plan,’ said Patrick. ‘I am curious about one thing, though.’
‘I would expect nothing less of a community justice student,’ Selina said with a teasing note in her voice.
‘Sorry, it’s just, if you wanted to keep all this a secret and you weren’t going to act on your feelings for Jodie, why tell her the truth at all? You could have just phased her out or something? She hadn’t known you long. You took a big risk in telling her.’
‘I couldn’t just never talk to her again. I’ve been cut out of friendship groups myself, without any explanation, and it’s heartbreaking.’
‘I find that hard to believe about the daughter of a millionaire,’ Patrick said.
‘You’d be surprised how many people can hate you or resent you for having money,’ Selina said. ‘At any rate, I wanted to be honest with Jodie and let her know she hadn’t done anything wrong, it was just a bad situation.’
‘But she didn’t take the explanation well?’
‘She wasn’t bothered about the “revelation” of my true sexuality but she was mad that I wouldn’t be friends with her any more. I think she thought I shouldn’t wait to be who I really am deep down. But the money complicates things and I was afraid someone would guess I was into her and out me to the world before I had a chance to get myself into a stronger financial position.’
‘Sounds like Jodie,’ said Patrick, with a light chuckle. ‘She was pretty fearless but didn’t always understand that not everyone in the world was as bolshie as she was.’
‘She was unapologetically herself, totally up front about her poor background and everything. It’s understandable she wouldn’t have much time for the first-world problems of a bona fide rich kid.’
‘I’m sure Jodie didn’t think what you were going through was a first-world problem. She was probably more angry at the situation you’d been put in than she was at you.’
‘I hope you’re right.’
Grace pondered Selina’s story. It didn’t quite match what was written in the misdemeanour report but she’d already explained to Patrick that she’d made the story up to keep her true sexuality under wraps. Fighting over boys was the kind of drama faculty probably expected from first-year students so she had decided to claim she was fighting over Patrick, and Jodie, probably just wanting to draw a line under the situation and likely fearing for her place at the academy if she made a fuss, just went along with it.
‘We’re still trying to find her, you know?’ said Patrick.
‘You are?’ Selina said. ‘But it’s been a year.’
‘She was never found. Until she is I can’t give up hope or close the door on her. Hey, you could do me a favour, actually.’
‘OK, what is it?’
‘You could talk to the PI I’ve hired to try and find Jodie.’
‘What good would that do?’
‘She’s compiling a lot of background information on Jodie. Anything you can tell her about the time you spent in her company might be helpful. Will you do it?’
‘I don’t know. I’ve got a dark secret of my own I’m trying to keep quiet here, I—’
‘Please. I really, really need to get some closure on this if I’m ever going to move on with my life.’
‘All right, I’ll talk to her, but just the once for background information. My dad keeps a keen eye on me via the bodyguard and I can’t do anything to upset the applecart until I’ve got money in the bank.’
‘Thanks, I appreciate it.’
‘Well, we’d better get back to the party. Grace looked a bit wobbly going up those stairs – it’s probably not a good idea to leave her unattended too long.’
Grace physically jumped at the sound of her own name and her heart started beating faster. Thankfully, Patrick and Selina couldn’t hear. She listened to them shuffle out of the room, counted to sixty slowly and then made her exit. Hurrying down the stairs, she tried to think of an excuse that would explain why she was not already there waiting for them.
Seventeen
The faint scent of almond oil was the first thing Grace was aware of the next morning. That and the fact that she felt warm, cosy even. In her family home this wouldn’t have been anything out of the ordinary but the heating system in the halls at Venerable Bede’s was temperamental, to put it politely – a feature not advertised in the academy brochure – and for the last week she had woken up shivering. This morning something was different. She felt safe. Cocooned. Slowly, she opened her eyes. Patrick was lying next to her; his arms wrapped around her. Their noses were almost touching. Still half-asleep, Grace smiled dreamily for a moment.
Now this was the kind of dream she always wanted to have. Waking up with the person she had a crush on. Feeling the warmth of them. Being able to just lie back and enjoy being with them. Instead, she usually had dreams about misfiling things at work, or being late for school even though she was twenty-two and there were no real consequences to being late for school any more. But this was a nice dream. She’d happily stay in this one.
Slowly, Patrick’s brown eyes opened. He looked deep into Grace’s eyes and then . . . he frowned.
This wasn’t a dream.
Patrick was really here.
‘Oh my God,’ Grace said as she jumped awake properly.
Patrick’s eyes widened as he seemed to have the same realization Grace had had just seconds ago. ‘Oh . . . Oh!’
He untangled his arms from around Grace and she at once got out of bed.
‘What the . . . what? Did we . . .?’ Patrick said, fighting his way out of her Powerpuff Girls duvet and also standing. In the cold light of day, with Patrick across from her, the kitsch-cool bedding she’d carefully selected on eBay felt lame and childish. She could only hope he was so freaked out about waking up next to her he wouldn’t notice.
‘Did we . . . you know?’ he said.
‘No! I – I don’t think so, we have our clothes on,’ said Grace.
‘Yes.’ Patrick nodded frantically. ‘Clothes on is good.’
‘I agree, clothes on is good.’
‘I mean, not that I don’t . . . I mean, it’s just, you know, you’re investigating Jodie’s disappearance . . . it’s . . . it would be weird.’
‘No, no, no, I know, I agree, it’s sick is what it is. It’s a sick, sick thought,’ Grace said, and made a face like she was sucking on raw lemon.
‘I mean . . . I might not go that far but, it’s not cool.’
‘Not cool at all. It’s, you know, lukewarm.’
‘What?’
‘I don’t know, I just woke up. I barely make sense after midday, let alone before,’ Grace said, wondering why the ground never swallowed you up when you wanted it to. She ran her fingers through the worst of her bed hair, trying to even it out. Patrick, of course, looked deliciously dishevelled. He’d clearly taken his glasses off just before falling asleep and somehow his face looked more vulnerable without them.
As if reading Grace’s mind, he picked them up off her bedside table and put them on, smiling. ‘We must have just fallen asleep. That’s all.’
‘Yes, perfectly innocent explanation. It got late and we must have . . . I must have invited you in to talk about the case or something.’
‘Sounds very plausible, and above board,’ Patrick said.
‘Yeah, it must have been that. Except, I really can’t remember doing that. Do you . . . remember anything about last night?’ Grace asked with a nervous little chuckle.
‘Er . . .’ Patrick frowned and ran a hand through his hair. ‘No . . .’
‘Ooh! Ooh! I remember Kitt looking deeply unimpressed with me!’ said Grace with a note of triumph in her voice. But then her smile drooped. ‘Though, to be honest, that could be a memory recovered from any day in t
he last few months or – in fact – three years.’
Patrick frowned again. ‘It’s weird, last night is a real blank. Last thing I remember is coming back downstairs from Selina’s bedroom after our chat and then . . . nothing. Nothing at all. Just waking up here this morning.’
‘Me too, well, almost. I think I remember Kitt driving us back to campus,’ said Grace and then she giggled. ‘If I can’t remember anything else then I must have really been tipsy, and if I was that out of it then there’s a strong chance that my recollection of Kitt giving me her unimpressed glare was indeed a memory from last night.’
‘I must have told her I’d walk you back to your dorm room on the way back to my place – looks like I didn’t make it that far.’
‘Yeah,’ said Grace. Although that made no sense at all. Kitt didn’t trust Patrick and if Grace was off her face there’s no way she’d let Patrick just walk her back to the dorm without checking everything was above board. ‘I mean, the easiest way to settle it is to call Kitt in a bit and see if she can shed any light. She wasn’t drinking so no matter what she’ll have a better sense of what happened than us. It’s a bit weird that everything’s so hazy though. This is the first time I’ve had a blank like this. What about you?’
Patrick paused before speaking and a strange look crossed his face. ‘I think maybe this has happened to me once before.’
Grace put a hand to her head; she could feel a dull pounding that she suspected was only going to get worse as the day wore on. ‘Well, whatever Selina put in those cocktails, I’m not going to be drinking them again in a hurry. Should have known better than to accept a drink off someone who thinks base-jumping is a relaxing Sunday afternoon activity.’
‘Doesn’t seem like I’m any wiser,’ Patrick said. ‘Look, I’d probably better go. I’ve got lectures this afternoon and I’m nowhere near finished the reading for them. Will you call me if you need me? For anything to do with the case, I mean.’