At least not for a year.
I’d just straightened to slip my feet into my shoes when I heard a deep sigh from behind.
I pretended like I didn’t hear him.
But I couldn’t pretend not to hear him when he said in that voice that was somewhere between deep and baritone, “We need to work on your trusting me if you want me to help you find another partner when this is over next year.”
And… I paused with my hands filled with shoelaces and glanced over my shoulder to find Ivan standing where he’d been the last time I’d seen him: barefoot on the middle of the mats; except this time, his hands were on his hips and his attention was focused on me. “What?” I asked, frowning.
The muscle along Ivan’s jawbone twitched. “We. Need. To. Work. On. You. Trusting. Me. If. You. Want. Me. To. Help. You. Find. Another. Partner,” the smart-ass repeated himself.
I blinked, and then if my eye started twitching, it wasn’t intentional. Lee was gone, wasn’t she? We had only talked about watching our words during practice. Right? “I. Know. How. To. Listen. The. First. Time,” I replied, taking my time just like he had. “I. Want. To. Know. What. You. Mean. By. That.”
“I. Mean. You. Need. To. Trust. Me. Or. This. Will. Never. Work.”
This son of a bitch. Calm down, Jasmine. Talk to him normally. Be the better person.
But I couldn’t. “Are you threatening me?”
It was his turn to blink. His turn for his eyebrows to go up. His turn to shrug a shoulder.
“It’s been a day and you’re already threatening not to help me?” I asked him, taking my time with each word.
“All I’m saying is that this isn’t going to go well unless you trust me, and even you know that,” he said.
My eye was twitching, and I swear to God my fingers ached with the need to pull on someone’s hair. “You dropped me.”
“Once, and it’s not going to be the last time. You know that,” was his excuse.
I blinked at him. I did know that. I didn’t expect anything different.
But…
It was still him that had let me fall.
Ivan blinked. “I didn’t do it on purpose.” Yeah, I didn’t exactly believe him, and he must have expected that because he shook his head, those slim nostrils on that perfectly straight nose flared, and he repeated himself. “I didn’t.”
I didn’t say anything.
“I’m not going to risk hurting you,” he tried to say before his cheek went tight. “Not while you’re my partner.”
“That’s real reassuring.”
His cheek twitched.
“I trust you enough,” I said, liar, liar, liar tickling at the base of my throat. “I’m just not used to the way you hold, that’s all.” And it was hard to trust someone I’d called a shitface for years, but….
The tip of his tongue went to the inside of his cheek, and those ice blue eyes narrowed on me. Did everything about him have to be immaculate all the damn time? “You’re the worst liar, you know that?” he asked.
“You’re a shitty liar,” I said before I could stop myself.
He shook his head, and I noticed not a single one of his pitch-black hairs moved. “You said you would do whatever needed to be done so we could win, didn’t you?”
I nodded slowly.
He raised an eyebrow. “So, I’m telling you what’s wrong, and you need to fix it.”
Oh my God. “It’s been one day, and I told you what’s wrong. Your hand placement is weird.”
“My hand placement isn’t weird.”
“It is,” I repeated myself.
He blinked. “No one else has ever complained.”
I blinked back. “No one else has probably had the balls to complain,” I told him. “I’ll get used to it. I’m sure you’re doing it right—”
“I am. Want to go look at the trophies in the case on the way out?” the ass asked.
I blew out a breath and gave my wrist a shake… because it was a little achy, not because I wanted to punch him already. Nope. “Do you admire them on the way in and out every day? Polish them up every Sunday? Give them a little kiss?”
Ivan’s mouth opened and then closed.
I smiled. “I’ll get used to it.”
He blinked. “It’s not you getting used to it that’s the problem. You don’t trust me. I can feel it.”
“I trust you not to drop me on purpose,” I said slowly, not liking where this was going. “I think you’d want to figure this out as soon as possible. You wouldn’t want to waste time.”
“No shit, Sherlock,” he said slowly, instantly drawing a line up my spine.
“Look, Satan, how do you expect me to trust you in like the six hours we’ve been practicing?” I snapped before I could stop.
That drew that freaky, joyous smile I’d only seen on his face when we were bickering. “I knew it.”
“No shit, Sherlock. I know you’re not going to drop me on purpose, but what do you want me to do? We don’t like each other. I’m constantly expecting you to not watch out for me, no matter what I tell myself.”
He raised an eyebrow, and I didn’t miss how he didn’t argue the fact we didn’t like each other. Ass. “You need to. Lee thinks we can do this in a year, and I know I can do it in a year—”
I rolled my eyes because I was pretty sure he thought he could do or master anything in that time.
Okay, maybe I thought the same thing about myself, but it was different. I wasn’t a prick for no reason and only to one person.
“—but we need to get over this, and we need to do it soon. You’re hesitating because you don’t trust me because of that idiot before me, so what do you want from me? Or what do you need from me so we can get there?”
That time, it was my turn to blink, because who the fuck was this person? What do you need from me? What the fuck? And why was he bringing up Paul?
Him catching me off guard must have been on my face because he sighed. “I don’t have all day.”
Oh God. “Neither do I.” I didn’t say “shit face,” but I thought it. “Look, I don’t know. I told you, my head knows you won’t drop me on purpose, but the rest of me doesn’t trust it. A week ago, I wouldn’t have trusted you to catch me doing a trust fall. I don’t know how to fix that.”
Ivan blinked. “You aren’t my first new partner, and this is only for a year, so let’s figure it out. You want my word?”
“Notice how you didn’t say you would’ve caught me doing a trust fall.”
“I wouldn’t have.”
I fucking knew it.
“That was then, this is now, Meatball. You want my word I won’t purposely let you get hurt?”
I almost laughed. “Your word? You remember all the other words you’ve told me over the years?”
That jaw of his went hard, making his perfectly sculpted face look tight.
“That’s what I thought.”
“What do you want me to do? Lee’s going to ask what I did to fix this, and I want to tell her I did everything I needed to. Tell me.”
Tell him?
I slid a look to the side before sliding it back to him. “Tell me something embarrassing.”
He didn’t even hesitate. “No.”
I would have smiled if this was someone other than him. “Uh-huh. Who’s the one with the trust issues now, jackass?” I shook my head. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll get over it. Everything will be fine. I need this more than you do. I’ll figure it out, and everything will be fine.”
It had to.
“Fine.”
I glanced back down and finished tying my shoelace before getting to my feet. God, I really was going to need to ice myself tonight. Maybe even do a whole ice bath. Fuck. I didn’t miss those.
Rolling back my shoulders, which I hadn’t realized were so tight, I glanced at Ivan, who had moved at some point and was busy sliding his feet into what looked like slipper boots.
Whatever. I wanted to get home.
I t
ook a step toward the door and hesitated. We were partners now. For a year. I could be better. I would be. So, I glanced over my shoulder and called out, “See ya.”
I didn’t even add a name to the end of it. That had to mean something.
I waited all of maybe two seconds before I realized he wasn’t going to respond—ass—and headed toward the door, telling myself that it didn’t matter he didn’t say anything. What the hell else was I expecting? Him to actually be friendly? I knew what this was and what this wasn’t.
He’d said it already. One year. That was all we were going to have together.
And he wanted it bad enough to talk to me about what was wrong so we could fix it.
At least I could trust him enough to know I could always rely on him to make the best business decision.
Did I trust him? Hell no. At least not enough. But for what it mattered, yes.
Pulling up the waistband of my leggings, which had gotten stretched out from practice, I rolled my shoulders, sucked in my stomach to see if it was really as sore as I thought it was—and it was—and decided I might as well drop by the convenience store and pick up two bags of ice. Ice baths were pretty much torture, and there were very few things I hated more than them, but… I was going to hate being in pain even more. I just needed to woman up and handle it.
But still, my bones already hurt just thinking about it.
With a shiver racing up my spine that made me feel like a little bitch, I made my way down the hall as quickly as I could. The faster I got home, the better. I could still squeeze in movie night with my mom and Ben.
No one had really batted too many eyelashes at us this morning when we’d skated together, but I figured it was only because everyone in the mornings was too focused on themselves to care. It was the other people, the ones in the afternoon, that would talk.
And if I hadn’t already told my mom about the situation, she would have definitely found out somehow.
I wasn’t going to tell my brothers or sisters in advance, mostly because I liked it when they all lost their shit over things and threw tantrums. It made me laugh. And it made me happy that they cared.
Continuing to roll my shoulders back in place as I walked, I turned down another hall and stopped. Because down the hall by the doors was one figure I knew too well and another that was familiar but not as much. It was Galina and the girl she had replaced me with, and from her body language, I could tell Galina was aggravated. I’d done it enough to her over the years to know exactly what it looked like.
And from the way the girl was rubbing at her cheeks, I could tell she was crying.
She had never made me cry, but I could see how she’d do it to other people who didn’t understand.
Continuing down the hall, wishing I’d brought my bag with me so I could find my headphones and put them on and pretend I couldn’t hear them, I could see and hear Galina talking to the younger girl in a hushed voice that only let me catch onto bits and pieces of her Russian accent. Something about expectations, goals, and not giving up.
I’d probably gotten halfway down the hall when both of them turned around to look at me.
“Yozik,” my former coach greeted me with a tight nod.
“Galina,” I said back to her before flicking my gaze over to the other girl and giving her a nod that probably resembled the older woman’s exactly. “Latasha.”
“Hello,” the younger girl greeted me, looking like she was holding her breath as she ducked her head. Maybe so I couldn’t see her eyes and know she was upset at getting scolded for whatever.
She couldn’t know I didn’t care, and I wasn’t going to tell her.
“Congratulations on the new partner,” Galina said. “I’m happy for you. It was only matter of time, I always knew.”
And that had me almost stumbling.
She was happy and she always knew? What did she always know?
“Your triple Lutzes will look beautiful together,” she kept going, and I could only look at her like I didn’t know her at all.
Where the fuck were all these compliments coming from and why?
“How many times you work on them?” Galina asked, her question pointless because she damn well knew how much I had worked on them. She’d been there. I had told her about all the times my mom had helped me film them so I could see what they looked like.
But I didn’t need to ask why she was asking me this. We’d been together too long for me not to know how her brain worked and what the purpose was. It was to make some kind of point to the younger girl.
“Five thousand times?” I told her with a shrug, because I could only guess. Numbers weren’t my strong point, and I’d lost count after a while.
“Did you cry doing it?”
Now she knew I damn well never cried, and as much as I didn’t want to upset this girl more than she already was by bringing that up, I wasn’t going to lie either. So all I did was shake my head, because actually saying the words felt too brutal. I changed the subject before Galina could keep asking me things that would only make the other girl upset. “Lina, can I ask you something in private?”
The older woman cocked her head to the side, like she was thinking about it, and gave me another of her decisive nods.
When I walked a little further down the hall, she followed after me and stopped at the same time I did. I jumped right into it. “What did Nancy Lee ask you about me?”
Her expression didn’t change, like she wasn’t surprised I was asking her. And she shouldn’t be. She knew I’d never had a problem asking questions. “If I thought you were done. That’s what she asked.”
I blinked.
“If you listened. If you worked hard. If I would coach you again,” she kept going, that hard-as-steel face focused on mine. “I say yes. I said you were meant to have a partner. You have the shoulders. The arms. It was me that didn’t follow you. I said to her you were the best I ever taught—”
I blinked.
“—you only live in that head too much, yozik. You know this. You care too much. You know this too. I tell her all this too. Nobody deserves a chance like Jasmine, I say.” Her gaze was intent on mine as she finished. “I also tell her you and Ivan will kill each other if you talk too much.”
She….
“You are welcome. You will not make me regret this, yes?”
She….
I swallowed. And before I could get another word out, Galina slapped me on the back of the head like she had a thousand times before and said, “I have things to do. We talk later.”
Chapter 6
I made it three days before the text messages started one afternoon while I was trying to finish warming up before our afternoon session. I had gotten to the LC later than usual and had gone straight to the training room, praising Jesus that I’d decided to change my clothes before leaving the diner once I’d seen what time it was and had remembered lunchtime traffic was a real thing. I was in the middle of stretching my hips when my phone beeped from where I’d left it on top of my bag. I took it out and snickered immediately at the message after taking my time with it.
Jojo: WHAT THE FUCK JASMINE
I didn’t need to ask what my brother was what-the-fucking over. It had only been a matter of time. It was really hard to keep a secret in my family, and the only reason why my mom and Ben—who was the only person other than her who knew—had kept their mouths closed was because they had both agreed it would be more fun to piss off my siblings by not saying anything and letting them find out the hard way I was going to be competing again.
Life was all about the little things.
So, I’d slipped my phone back into my bag and kept stretching, not bothering to respond because it would just make him more mad.
Twenty minutes later, while I was still busy stretching, I pulled my phone out and wasn’t surprised more messages appeared.
Jojo: WHY WOULD YOU NOT TELL ME
Jojo: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME
Jojo: DID THE REST O
F YOU KEEP THIS FROM ME
Tali: What happened? What did she not tell you?
Tali: OH MY GOD, Jasmine, did you get knocked up?
Tali: I swear, if you got knocked up, I’m going to beat the hell out of you. We talked about contraception when you hit puberty.
Sebastian: Jasmine’s pregnant?
Rubes: She’s not pregnant.
Rubes: What happened, Jojo?
Jojo: MOM DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS
Tali: Would you just tell us what you’re talking about?
Jojo: JASMINE IS SKATING WITH IVAN LUKOV
Jojo: And I found out by going on Picturegram. Someone at the rink posted a picture of them in one of the training rooms. They were doing lifts.
Jojo: JASMINE I SWEAR TO GOD YOU BETTER EXPLAIN EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW
Tali: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IS THIS TRUE?
Tali: JASMINE
Tali: JASMINE
Tali: JASMINE
Jojo: I’m going on Lukov’s website right now to confirm this
Rubes: I just called Mom but she isn’t answering the phone
Tali: She knew about this. WHO ELSE KNEW?
Sebastian: I didn’t. And quit texting Jas’s name over and over again. It’s annoying. She’s skating again. Good job, Jas. Happy for you.
Jojo: ^^ You’re such a vibe kill
Sebastian: No, I’m just not flipping my shit because she got a new partner.
Jojo: SHE DIDN’T TELL US FIRST THO. What is the point of being related if we didn’t get the scoop before everybody else?
Jojo: I FOUND OUT ON PICTUREGRAM
Sebastian: She doesn’t like you. I wouldn’t tell you either.
Tali: I can’t find anything about it online.
Jojo: JASMINE
Tali: JASMINE
Jojo: JASMINE
Tali: JASMINE
Tali: Tell us everything or I’m coming over to Mom’s today.
Sebastian: You’re annoying. Muting this until I get out of work.
Jojo: Party pooper
Tali: Party pooper
Jojo: Jinx
Tali: Jinx
Sebastian: Annoying
I smiled to myself as I read through the messages slowly, rubbing the palm of my hand over the top of each of my hands. I didn’t need to look down to know that the red R and black L I’d been reapplying every day, were still there. I hadn’t really been scrubbing my hands that hard. It was probably going to be months until I could wash them off completely. I had thought about just settling for forming my fingers into L-shapes to tell me which side was what, but it took too long, so Sharpie colors and letters it was going to be… for a while.
From Lukov with Love Page 11