by LP Lovell
I’ve pulled myself together and am just zipping my bag when there’s a knock at my door. I know it must be Donnie, because Harry is a dick and just walks in.
I open it and see him stood there with his head bent, his dark curls falling in his face. He smiles and his dark brown eyes warm me. I’ve known Donnie for years and in a way he’s comforting.
“I just wanted to say bye.” He mumbles. As the years have gone on Donnie has got more awkward around me, and says even less to me. I know it’s just how he is, so I leave him be.
“Thanks for putting up with me.”
“You know, if you ever want to stay here, I have a friend with a law firm who would be happy to give you a job.” He looks at me before looking away shyly.
I smile. “I really appreciate that Don, and I may do one day, but right now London is where I need to be.” I’m not going to throw away a promising career just because I broke up with my boyfriend, I mean seriously?! I know Donnie means well though.
He nods his head looking defeated. “Okay, well come visit won’t you?” He offers a small smile.
“I will. Bye Donnie.” I hug him and he wraps his arms around me tight. Having Donnie around is like having another brother, although sadly, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t see me as a sister.
Harry holds the car door open for me as I say goodbye. I brought the Maserati with me. I just needed to leave and it was the quickest and easiest way out of there. Harry had one of his boys’ drive it up to London to give it back to Theo, but apparently he just told him that the car doesn’t belong to him. Of course he couldn’t make it easy and just accept it. I had to give myself a pep talk for two days just to part with that car.
“Seriously, you want to sell this, you give me a shout.” He smirks.
“It’s not mine.” I say for the hundredth time. Harry took it for a ‘service’ earlier in the week, only to come back and tell me ‘it power slides like a boss’. Child.
“The ownership certificate says differently.” He wiggles his eyebrows.
I sigh, ignoring him. “I love you Harry. Thanks for letting me come up here.” He opens his arms and I go into them. My brother has this way of making me feel impossibly safe. He’s the one person in this world who I know would go to the ends of the earth for me. I’ve witnessed it several times. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for him.
His strong arms squeeze me tight. “I love you Lill’s. You know where I am if you need me. I know you say you’re okay, but I can see you’re not.” He pulls back and looks me in the eye. “Anytime you need me, call me and I’m there.” He touches his knuckles playfully to my jaw as he flashes me a blinding smile. Harry gets me. He knows I hate pity. He can make me smile even at the worst times.
“Thanks Harry.” I kiss his cheek and slide into the smooth leather seat of the car.
“I’ll see you in a few weeks.” He says before he closes the door. I start the engine and pull onto the road, the tyres screeching as the engine snarls like an angry cat. Yep, I’m going to miss this car so much.
When I pull into the underground garage by the flat, I have to take a moment before I get out of the car. Living with Harry has given me a chance to pull myself together, but now I’m back here and it’s time to face the music. It’s time for Lilly Parker to put her game face on and suck it up. I’ve had my time, but now it’s time to put my emotions in a box and leave them there. I am done.
I step out of the car, armour in place and ready for battle. God knows this will be a battle and a half.
Today is the court case and oh, how I’m looking forward to this emotional shit storm. Despite Molly and George’s pleas, I’m going on my own. I need to do this alone. I’ve already given my statement, which wasn’t very much. The case should be tight based on the DNA evidence. I don’t need to speak. I don’t even need to be there, I just want to be there.
I’m determined to stand in that court and look that man in the eye. I want him to see he hasn’t broken me. I want him to see that I am not a victim. I need to do this, for myself.
There aren’t many people in the court room when I enter. I take a seat on one of the empty wooden benches. My Barrister gives me a brief nod of acknowledgement before turning back to her paper work.
The judge starts proceedings and the defendant is brought out to stand behind a pane of glass, flanked by two policemen. Of course I have no memory of that night, so I’ve never seen him before. What strikes me first is how normal he looks. He could be any young guy off the street, not the creeper who drugged and raped several girls over the course of several years. He keeps his eyes down as he stands with his hands cuffed behind his back. I like to think I’m a strong person, but even I’m surprised that I feel nothing as I stare at his unremarkable form. I want him to look at me, but he doesn’t.
I hear the doors to the court room creak open and someone sit quietly in the row behind me. All the hairs on the back of my neck stand to attention, my body super attuned to the presence of Theodore Ellis, the only man who can make me lose control. The only man against whom I have no defence or self-preservation. The only man who has ever caused me to feel as though my very soul aches with pain.
I barely hear what is being said in the court room as I sit rigid tense in my seat. I can’t concentrate as my pulse hammers in my ears. It’s a mixture of panic, anger, pain and want all coursing through my veins like a freight train. Of course I should have expected this. I haven’t turned my phone on since I left for Harry’s, I just disappeared. I left Moly and George a note with Harry’s number, so they could reach me. But he hasn’t been able to contact me at all.
The next hour feels like an eternity as I sit there, unable to move, unable to look at him. As soon as the jury breaks to deliberate I stand and bolt for the doors of the court room. I refuse to even look in his direction as I pass him.
I keep walking until I find a quiet corridor in the maze that is the court house. I take a moment and look out of the window at the busy street below. I press my forehead against the cool glass and take deep breaths trying to calm my hammering heart. Pull it the fuck together Lilly, I scold myself. I take a final deep breath and turn around.
He’s there of course. He’s always there. I haven’t seen him since that day. He looks different, older somehow, more worn, but still beautiful. His stance is casual, hands in his pockets, jacket open revealing a shirt with no tie. His dark hair is slightly too long, falling across his forehead. His stare grips me, his deep blue irises branding my soul all over again until I can’t breathe. Everything about him calls to me on such an instinctual level and it hurts so much.
I work to keep my face impassive as the pain unfurls like a poison through my veins. It’s that all-encompassing crippling pain that steals your breath away, a desperate longing that brings with it the deepest sadness. I want him so much that it’s excruciating not to just reach out and touch him. I’ve spent two weeks harbouring so much resentment for him, but right now with him right in front of me, it doesn’t seem to matter, because I love him.
Damn him, and damn me for being so bloody weak around him. I grit me teeth and fight the onslaught of emotions that threaten to overwhelm me, I have no room for emotion anymore. I wrestle the hurt back into its box and slam the lid. His eyes study me with their usual intensity. He says nothing, just watches me. I check my armour is firmly in place and my heart buried so deep that not even I can find it, before speaking to the man who until recently meant so much to me.
Chapter Three
Theo
I watch an array of emotions flit across her features. I see the pain, longing, anger, love, hate and finally nothing, just blank, cold and unfeeling.
“I’m not doing this with you Theo.” She says flatly.
For the first time in weeks I feel as if I can breathe properly. I’m like a junkie just craving her, just being in her presence is like taking the best kind of hit. Yeah, I’ll admit I’m totally pussy whipped when it comes to her. The last two weeks have been li
ke my own personal brand of torture. She literally disappeared, her phone was disconnected, even Molly wouldn’t tell me where she was. And now she’s here, and she looks different. She is different.
She’s wearing a black dress, but it hangs slightly on her notably thinner frame. Her hair is loose and wild as always. She still has that unspoken ability to bring me to my knees without ever uttering a word. I’m powerless to her.
I didn’t even realise how much I missed her until this moment. I miss the subtle smell of her perfume, the way her hips sway as she walks, the secret smiles she throws my way, her snarky come backs and her gnarly, abrasive personality. I miss everything that is her. But the woman facing me now is not the woman I know. Something vital has changed in her. Her walls are so far up I can’t see over them. I’m standing close enough to touch her, but the distance between us is like a deep unreachable void. She’s right in front of me, but she might as well be half a world away.
“I thought you might need some moral support.” I say quietly. The truth is I’d find any excuse to see her. ”And… I needed to see you.” I whisper.
“How did you know I was here?” She snaps. She’s like a cobra that’s reared up, hood out and spitting venom. As always, I’m left trying to tactfully dance around her without getting bitten.
I offer a small smile. “You’ve always got something to prove. I knew you’d come.”
“Well you’ve seen the show. I’m not the crying damsel in distress. You can go now.” She says calmly. The usually vibrant green of her eyes is flat, lifeless. She dismisses me by turning away.
“No, you’re not.” I say to her back. I can almost feel the ice radiating from her. The last two weeks have hardened her in a way that’s made her untouchable to the world around her. “But you’re not as okay as you make out. I see behind those walls of yours. Remember who you’re talking to sugar.” She flinches slightly, and turns furious eyes on me.
“Do not call me that! What did you expect, that I’d be skipping around London town, partying and fucking around like you?” Her glare is fierce and accusing.
Fucking paps’! Shit. “I was not fucking around!” I growl. “I just… I can’t think straight without you. I promise you, I didn’t fuck anyone.”
“Honestly Theo I don’t care what you do. Fuck half of London if that’s what makes you happy.” Damn, she has this way of making me feel like total shit.
How can she not see that I’m a fucking mess over here? “You make me happy!” I shout.
She huffs a laugh. “You should have thought of that before you stuck your dick in that slut.”
I drag my hands through my hair. “I don’t know what you want me to say. I was in a bad place. I was in love with you and you walked away. I got drunk, and it happened. I don’t even remember it. It doesn’t change anything Lilly.”
“It changes everything.” She says flatly.
I push away from the wall and take a few steps toward her. “I still love you.” I reach out as if to touch her, but hesitate when she holds her hand up in front of her, halting me. She suddenly seems fragile, as though if I touch her, she’ll break. I see her front for what it is, and I see what’s underneath it, what I’ve done to her.
I step closer to her. This is the moment where I either let her run, or I hang the fuck on. I reach up and touch her cheek. Her eyes flutter closed and she releases a shuddering breath.
“I love you.” I whisper. She opens her eyes, eyes filled with a world of despair that mimics my own. “Talk to me.”
“And say what?” I clasp her face between my hands, pleading and begging her to come back to me, to see me, to remember us, but she’s long gone.
“We can work this out.” I beg.
She places her hands on my wrists and pulls them away. “No. We can’t. We’re over.”
“We’ll never be over. You know it as well as I do.”
“Just go Theo.” A frown etches across her beautiful features as she watches my movements.
“Lilly…”
“You shouldn’t have come here. It’s too late. Goodbye Theo.” She turns and strides down the corridor, practically running away from me. She’s done with the conversation, but I’m not. This is how it works with us. She fights and I fight harder, because I’m so desperately fucking in love with her that I’d sooner die trying than give up on her. So I follow her.
As I exit the front of the building I’m blinded by several camera flashes.
“Miss Parker. Miss Parker! Lilly!” Several voices all shout at once. “How was the trial? Are you and Mr Ellis an item? What do you think about Cassie Blake?” They swarm around Lilly who completely ignores them. Fucking vultures have been all over me since they somehow found out about Cassie barely twenty four hours after I did. I suspect she had something to do with it. A couple of them spot me, and quickly rush over.
“Mr. Ellis! Mr. Ellis!” They all shout. I push through them as Lilly makes a break for it through the car park.
She stops next to her car and rummages in her bag. She pulls the door open just as I reach her. I slam it shut, pressing my chest against her back. As her body presses against mine I feel complete for the first time in weeks, as though her touch can physically make me whole again. She spins and our faces our only a few inches apart. Her scent assaults me, gripping me by the balls and making my cock stir. Definitely not the time or place. She smells delicate, sensual, seductive and just Lilly. I cage her against the car as the furious flashing of cameras continues. Her breath quickens as her eyes meet mine. Something passes between us, a desperate unspoken need. This is how it is with us. This is what I crave. The draw I have to her, the passion she has for life. Even if she does drive me insane.
I lean in close to her and she tenses. “Don’t run from me sugar.” I whisper just inches from her ear. “I’ll always catch you.” I twist a strand of her hair around my finger. My fingers brush the soft skin of her neck. She closes her eyes and takes an unsteady breath.
When she opens her eyes they’re full of a hardened resolve. “You need to stop chasing, Theo. I’m done.” I study her and find no trace of a lie.
A brazen pap shouts. “Lilly, are you in love with Mr. Ellis?” I watch her re-coil and spot the flash of pain behind her eyes. She quickly covers it, her face morphing back into that cold mask.
She holds my stare as she responds. “Women don’t fall in love with Mr Ellis, they sleep with him.” She doesn’t flinch, doesn’t blink. She just fixes me with a stare that says ‘check mate’. I won’t pretend it doesn’t hurt. It feels like she just ripped out my fucking heart and stamped on it, but I backed her up against the ropes. I should have expected her to come out swinging, and swing she did, right where it hurts.
“Nice car.” I say as I step away from her.
“Thanks. I think I’ll keep it.” She flashes me a fake smile before she slides into the car.
“This conversation isn’t over.” I say as she slams the door, before pulling out of the car park, tyres screeching.
Everything between us was so right. How did we get to this in just two weeks? Oh, that’s right, I managed to get so drunk that I got fucked in a toilet cubicle and can’t even remember it.
I drive straight home. I cannot deal with this shit today. I thought the last two weeks were tough, but at least I had the luxury of hope. I guess in the back of my mind I always knew she wouldn’t be able to move past this. Lilly doesn’t forgive, and she certainly doesn’t forget. I’ve fucked up the best thing I ever had, and that thought is depressing as fuck.
I grab the decanter of scotch and a glass. I pour some of the amber liquid into the glass and slam it back. Nothing like shooting the good shit.
The doorbell rings and I groan as I drag myself up to answer it.
I open the door, glass of scotch still in hand. Cassie stands there with a frown on her face.
“Theo…” I slam the door in her face. I definitely cannot deal with that right now. If that makes me a bastard then so be i
t, but right now she’s the bitch who ruined my life.
I go upstairs and collapse on the sofa, where I proceed to drink. I drink because it’s easier than facing the situation I’m in. It’s easier than looking at the fuck up my life has become, and it’s easier than looking at what I’ve done to the only woman I’ve ever loved.
I needed to see her. I needed to know, and now I do.
All I can hear in my mind are those two words: I’m done. They hit me like a punch in the gut every fucking time. She is done. That’s it, no going back. I fucked it all up and now I have to live with the consequences. The truth is, I’ve come to need her on some level. She’s like a beam of light in an otherwise grey world.
If that baby is mine, then I’m about to face some serious shit. I guess, I hoped that she would lend me some of that implacable strength of hers, so I could face this shit storm. Stupid, why would she? I’ve done nothing but hurt her. I don’t deserve her. She loved me. She let me in where no-one else has been… and then I ruined her from the inside out. I took something precious and I fucked it up before it had even begun.
I pour another glass of scotch, and another, until I feel nothing.
I wake up on Tuesday morning with the headache from hell. My mouth tastes like something died in it, and my stomach churns violently. I roll over and squint against the bright light streaming in from the French doors. I feel like a vampire as I cringe away from the sunlight. I manage to half stagger to the kitchen and find some Aspirin. That scotch may have been the good stuff, but it leaves a hangover just as well as the cheap and nasty shit. Ugh, my fucking head. I’m seriously regretting last night’s pity party for one. Fuck.