Eringin flashed Lawrence a smile. One might even mistake him for a kindly aging gentleman if they didn’t know better. He tilted his head and replied.
“Well, you’re always welcome to come visit us. Recently, we even got hold of a nice vintage..”
He deliberately echoed the guard’s own words. Even Eringin’s eyes looked like golden snake eyes when he smiled. It was a horrible sight.
“If you’ll excuse me.”
Eringin took his leave, and the long sleeves of his coat dangled behind him. He wore a fur scarf and luxurious boots, looking sharp despite no one being there to accompany him. It felt strange to not see attendants following him, but only if you didn’t know his business. He would have enough loneliness to match his pomp in that line of work.
“I hope my loneliness won’t turn me that evil in the end.”
Bravery wasn’t enough to help one overcome their loneliness; there many famous legends and stories about just that topic. Even Holo was no stranger to loneliness, proving just how little power helped in the matter. Despite all of this, Lawrence had to respect Eringin.
“I should really get going too..”
But the moment he turned to leave, he found himself turning back. Was someone watching him? He couldn’t see anyone, but he couldn’t shake the feeling either. Maybe he was just too worried about Holo for his own good.
* * *
Oddly enough, his concerns about Holo were warranted. The moment Lawrence returned, he was greeted with a severe scowl. She had been limited to rye bread, cheese, and a small portion of beans for breakfast. It was pretty much the breakfast of every traveler out there, but she wasn’t limiting herself to it out of some desire to experience hardships. It was Elsa’s idea.
“It is not enough!!”
Holo voiced her complaint rather loudly. Thankfully, the wagons around her obscured her ranting, but that didn’t help her mood in the slightest. Two obvious points were sticking up from her hood, where her ears must be. The back of her robe was also billowing behind her, obviously held aloft by an angry-looking tail.
“Well.. at least this way you won’t get completely spoiled..”
If her eyes could burn him just then, they would have.
“Are you going to lecture me as well?!”
“N-no.. jeez, calm down..”
She swallowed whatever else she wanted to say and spun around unhappily. It seemed that Elsa had been busily lecturing Cole about the Bible when Lawrence came back, and unlike Fran (who was a military chaplain) Elsa wasn’t just out to offer comfort to the dying and embolden the troops. She wasn’t the type that mercenaries often referred to as “God’s reapers.”
Elsa was the type that overwhelmed others with religion, like it was a war she fought for constantly. God’s word was everything to her. That was perfect for someone like Cole, who wanted to study Church law but was too poor to attend formal studies. Even Lawrence felt it was a cozy arrangement for the boy.
But for Holo, it was a different story. She had her dignity as a majestic Wisewolf to maintain. Of course she wouldn’t keep Cole from his ambitions, either, so all she could do was watch and listen. Even after the morning mass, she was stuck sitting with Elsa and Cole, like a solemn statue.
Holo could deal with the feistiest bar waitress, but not someone like Elsa. Elsa had no designs on Cole, nor any real ulterior motives. All Holo could do was silently mope there, tortured by the ordeal. And now, it was Lawrence’s turn - he became a bag of sand for her to scream at.
“She drones on and on like she knows what she is talking about. On and on to Cole, even while we walked to and from the Church. Acting like it was God who saved her village. Right next to me, no less!”
Now Holo was droning on and on, no matter how little sense she was making. She just wanted to list her grievances while Lawrence casually agreed. He could stare at the scenery for all she cared, so long as he nodded.
“She waltzes into my lair and throws it into disarray, like some horrible storm! All because of you! You just had to let her in, didn’t you!”
She stood on her toes like she was about to jump up and bite his face. It even made him step back in surprise.
“Yeah.. I did..”
He hesitated, not knowing what else to say, then gave up entirely. Anything he said now would just fan the flames of her wrath anyway. Holo didn’t normally get this angry. Especially not over something like Cole talking to another girl. But then, he had been keeping his thoughts to himself ever since they left Gerube. And just yesterday, he dragged Holo to mass with him, returning like he was a new man.
Holo had initially been happy. She claimed that was how to act when a fun trip was coming to an end, but she was really happy that Cole was with her. Now, with Elsa in the picture, she was at her wit’s end. Lawrence knew better, but there was no way he could suppress a chuckle. That earned him an immediate glare.
“You think it is funny?!”
She bared her fangs, making it clear that she meant business. He would have been terrified right now if the two of them had just met, but he was even able to joke about it now.
“I can’t help it..”
He pulled her arm to keep her from running headlong into a wagon as she stared him down.
“I never thought the Wisewolf could be like this.”
She swung her arm, trying to free herself from his grip, but he just held her tighter to keep their hands joined.
“Hey, sorry, don’t get angry.”
It was useless to say that, of course. Sure enough, her arm began flailing even more wildly like some stubborn child. He finally let her go when it looked like she would actually bite him, placing his hand on top of her head instead.
“I wasn’t making fun of you.”
His hand was flung off a moment later, so he repeated himself.
“I wasn’t making fun of you.”
They were finally at the docks. As the space opened up around them, they could see workers resting as they ate their lunches. Crates were piled high all around them as they enjoyed their moment of respite.
“So?”
Holo didn’t even know why she was angry. She just was. True, Cole had been taken away from her. But it shouldn’t bother her this much. She was acting like someone had snatched her apple. She would normally just accept that if she did her best to get him back and failed, that was just how it was. The Wisewolf knew how easily things came and went, and carried herself like a proud, albeit lonely, traveler.
That wasn’t just Lawrence’s image of Holo, either. He knew the only reason she was still with him was because he had forced the issue in the most unsightly way possible. Holo naturally shrank back from relationships, thinking it was the wisest and most noble way to handle things. And for all her wisdom, she just might be right about that.
Yet that didn’t mean she wanted to be lonely. It wasn’t that she wanted to shy away from a relationship. She was even willing to drop her mask in front of Lawrence, like she had a moment ago, in the hopes that he would bravely come to her emotional rescue.
“You know, you don’t have to force yourself to act like a Wisewolf if you don’t want to.”
He kept staring at the port, even if she was quietly staring at him. She knew that already, of course, but to her it must have felt like she had let slip some dark secret of hers. She hated herself for it.
“It just sounds so stupid! Me, wanting to get Cole back!”
She pouted and turned away, finally realizing why she was really angry. But her ears and tail always told more of the story than her mouth ever would. Lawrence had to press on.
“But even you want to be willful once in a while, don’t you?”
Holo shivered in surprise. She was really concerned about her image. She was one of those people who couldn’t afford to show any signs of tarnish. She might claim that she craved no praise, but if she genuinely received none she would be lonely. It went against her need to save face.
She loved making sport
of others, but she was also quite hard on herself. She was a kindly and loyal wolf, after all. Even when the village she was protecting became openly hostile, she remained loyal to them. She had watched over them for centuries, kindly, responsibly, and all in spite of the fact that she hated being alone.
People like Holo always fell into traps of their own devising.
“Look, no one will blame you for being jealous and possessive. We’re all like that. You’re not stuck all alone in a wheat field anymore, being forced to act like a god.”
He took a short breath and finished his thought.
“So just don’t force yourself, alright? I won’t force you either.”
He’d seen Holo’s willful side before, and didn’t mind it. It wasn’t as if she had an image that badly needed maintenance. He knew that she was still trapped in the past in that regard. She was already quite honest with him now, and had made her share of mistakes in the past before she met him.
He might not be good for much, but he could at least encourage her and push her to take the first step, and be there in case she stumbled.
“So please don’t treat me like I’m just a bag of sand. I’m happy to help you face your feelings, you know? I’d like to think that’s what a proper Wisewolf would do.”
He was actually trying to joke around a bit, but he stopped the moment he realized she was pulling her hood down over her face. Her head lowered and her shoulders trembled.
“Uh..”
She was stubborn, and treasured her honor, but deep down she was gentle and soft. Clearly she’d already considered such things on her own. Is that why she was acting embarrassed now? Had he miscalculated that badly, and ended up only hurting her feelings more by repeating what she already knew?
A cold sweat ran down his back and he froze in silence. He suddenly realized they were in public, and felt horrified that others might have been watching as he cradled her in his arms. He finally peeked at her face, and realized she had been waiting for him to do just that.
“What happened? You were so brilliant just now, then stumbled over something so trivial..”
He could stand up to her anger, but not her tears. He was no different from most men in that regard. The moment she was genuinely unhappy, he was left wide open to her attack.
“Well..”
She pushed him away and walked ahead. He could only dumbly stumble after her.
“I do not need you to teach me such things.”
He struggled to find the words he squeezed out in response.
“..then why are you doing all of this?”
“Why?”
She paused again and turned to look him in the eyes before repeating herself. He had no idea what to do, so he just watched her step back to him while repeating her question.
“Do you believe I can just do whatever I wish? That I can give up the honor and wisdom of being a Wisewolf?”
She was directly challenging him. Her red eyes shone dryly from under her hood like top-quality wine.
“You feel you can just read my mind, do you? You can just follow me for a while, and say such things like they are easy? Well they are not. And..”
She looked away.
“..You are only saying this because you wish for your own life to be easier, anyway.”
Now it was Lawrence’s turn to be angry. It had taken a lot for him to speak just that much of his mind. Why wouldn’t she just drop the mantle of the Wisewolf, if it only served to hurt her so? He just didn’t understand. Especially when it began hurting him as well. Before he knew it, he had grabbed her arm.
“Is that what you really think?”
She stared right back, and he could see his own face reflected in her eyes.
“Then I am wrong?”
She wasn’t joking or trying to snare him in some trap. She wasn’t just playing around, even if she wasn’t really suspecting him. She just needed to hear him say it.
“Of course!”
He would leave no room for argument, and stared right back at her eyes to make it clear that she could look right into his soul if she doubted him. Her eyes slowly closed, as they always did when she lowered her defenses to go to sleep. This was just like the times she fell asleep to his boring idle conversations. The moment he realized that, her eyes shot back open and she laughed.
“How daring can you be..”
“What?”
“Asking me to be straight as an arrow when you can’t be yourself.”
She just averted her eyes with a happy smile.
“Just like you did to me a moment ago..”
The evil sheen in her eyes was back.
“Argh!”
The scene in Lawrence’s mind was of Elsa, a careful and strict teacher, and Cole, her enthusiastic student, suddenly being interrupted by Holo having jumped onto the table between them.
“Of course.. you were just being obtuse on purpose again, weren’t you?”
Lawrence covered his forehead with his palm. He could pray until the end of time that she would stop forcing herself to wear such masks, but he’d never recognize it when she actually did. That was what she meant when she said he was doing this so his life would become easier. Why had he even bothered?
“Ugh.. when you finally get willful like this..”
He deliberately changed his entire tone.
“..it’s a lot better.”
Her nails dug into his hand as he finished talking.
“There you go, jumping right back into being deliberately vague.”
She always had a forest of snares around her to trap small creatures like him. He surrendered, regardless of the frown on his face. He couldn’t afford to escalate this now, or it would just defeat the whole point he was trying to make. He had to choose his words carefully.
“You’re so much cuter when you just act like yourself.”
She smiled proudly, savoring yet another victory over having managed to get Lawrence to speak plainly.
“And you are so much cuter when you struggle so.”
“I lose, oh Wisewolf.”
“Oh, ho..”
She walked away and took her smile with her.
“You have only yourself to blame.”
She was whispering.
“Huh?”
Her eyes were as brilliant as they always were when she revealed she had been fooling him all along. And there was that happy look of complete victory.
“Now in the future, everything bad that happens can only be your fault.”
He kept himself from blurting anything out, knowing he was trapped one way or the other.
“Um..”
“Oh, ho.. ’twas but a joke. Even so..”
She then sped off, and looked back at him when Lawrence instinctively gave chase.
“Life is long enough that I would have forgotten this after a while..”
Her proud smile gleamed at him, fangs and all.
Chapter 3
Lawrence had finally made it to the manger to see his trusty old partner. He was ignored for a while as it ate, but it eventually turned its round eyes toward him and snorted unpleasantly.
“He’s in a great shape. He’s eating a lot.”
The owner of the stables smiled proudly, seeming more like he was trying to sell Lawrence his own horse. They certainly weren’t cheap, so if the man had been won over and was treating Lawrence’s horse like one of his own, Lawrence was even happier.
“Yeah, I’ve always got to bargain with him over how much food he wants to walk a certain distance.”
“I see.. sounds like you’ve trained each other.”
It had been cold lately, so a sunny afternoon like today brought out the best in people. Lawrence ended the amusing conversation by mentioning that he’d be gone for several days, and didn’t want his horse rented out.
“And please don’t feed him too much.”
“Don’t want me weakening your bargaining position, do ya?”
Lawrence could only hope the m
an was joking. He smiled and waved at his old friend.
“I’ll just have to trust you I guess.”
“Heh.. don’t worry, I’m glad to watch over him.”
Several other customers had come and gone as they spoke. Some were looking to rent horses, others to leave their horses here. All of them seemed like regulars, given how friendly they were with the stable-hands.
Normally a shop owner would leave new customers to his apprentices, and reward their regular customers by dealing with them first hand. Stable masters were the opposite. People entrusted their very lives to horses, so having the boss reassure newcomers was the way to go, if they wanted them to become regulars. Business practices varied as much as products did from region to region.
“Well, that about wraps it up for today.”
Lawrence counted the tasks off on his fingers as Holo stood and walked up to the horse. She usually just sat behind him, looking down on him, so this scene felt quite novel. Even the horse looked back at her. Stable-hands often laughed as if they were talking to horses, but Lawrence wondered if Holo really was talking with him in secret. He let her be, and waited for her to return to his side.
“Were you two sharing tales of woe?”
“Hmm? Well, yes. We have both been collateral before, so we can see eye to eye.”
Merchants were dedicated to their possessions. They mended them until they could be mended no more. They likewise kept food until it was so moldy it was no longer edible.
Holo had a similar mentality. She complained about her grievances until it was impossible to complain about them any longer. The problem was that she turned almost everything into a grievance.
Lawrence shot her a spiteful glare, which was exactly what she wanted. She happily grabbed his arm, having apparently (thankfully) forgotten about Cole.
“Then where are we off to next? To buy food?”
“Already taken care of. All that’s left is firewood and coinage, and maybe having our knives sharpened. Hardly anything you’d find entertaining, I’m afraid.”
He had half a mind to bore her anyway, but it didn’t look like she particularly cared one way or the other. She wasn’t even asking whether the food was purchased from the Beast and Fish Tail. That made sense; it wasn’t as though they had to buy food she loved, and their wagon was already so laden that his horse would probably be glad he wasn’t the one who would be pulling it.
Spice & Wolf XIV (DWT) Page 8