“For starters, the Church here doesn’t treat me as a member of the clergy.”
The church in Lenos wouldn’t be very welcoming to guests like Elsa, especially right after the riot caused by the fur fiasco. Lawrence hesitated, wondering if he ought to offer words of comfort, but her embarrassed expression kept him from doing so.
“But the more important reason is that we are so alike.”
“Alike?”
Now that really took him by surprise. She nodded and stared at him again.
“I mean it. What you feel is written plainly on your face, but you still force yourself to adhere to other principles when you speak.”
Priests had a knack for diving into the deepest parts of a person’s mind, finding whatever was splashing around, and then helping calm it. Elsa’s eyes were piercing his with just that kind of expression right now, so he nervously turned away.
“I left my village with just that kind of twisted two-facedness, so of course we are alike.”
When she nervously turned away as well, he was so curious that he instinctively studied the side of her face.
“But you have no choice.. you have to find a priest for your village, right?”
“Yes, and yet..”
She hesitated, despite despising hesitation.
“Mr. Lawrence.”
She looked up at him with fear in her eyes. He’d never seen her like this, not even during that situation in Tereo. She looked like she wanted badly to confess something, and that he was the only one she could possibly confess it to. If that was the situation, what kind of man would he be if he didn’t let her?
“This is really something I really should only tell God.”
He shot her a smile.
“Oh, that’s fine then. But I’ll be in heaven before you, so if you’d like, I can deliver it to Him personally for you.”
That was actually one of the funniest jokes a stingy merchant could tell a believer, and sure enough Elsa smiled in embarrassment. It was an awkward smile, but his joke still had it’s intended effect. She rubbed her face and lowered her head in silent prayer.
“I want a priest to come to take my place in Tereo because I don’t want to be one anymore.”
Lawrence kept his own emotions in check, knowing that his role in a confession was to listen. He took a breath and calmly urged her to continue.
“Because?”
“I am studying to become a priest now, but my real wish..”
She looked up, every bit the innocent girl she should be at her age. Tears were welling up in her eyes, and her mask of toughness was completely in shambles. This wasn’t something anyone should be seeing. Only Evan should be privy to this. Lawrence saw how tightly she held the mail stamp she carried.. it was the stamp Evan had given her when she left on her mission.
“..my hope.. is that one day I can be with Evan..”
Lawrence placed his finger in front of her mouth to make her pause, and then sighed.
“Just tell him the following.”
The clergy couldn’t marry. And if there was a church in a village, it needed a priest. Elsa herself had long been fulfilling that obligation. But that didn’t mean it was her calling to be alone forever. Principles and the truth were two very different things. Still, Elsa had heard Lawrence and Holo talking, and knew their situations were alike, so Lawrence was far too embarrassed to look her in the eye while he spoke his advice.
“And then..”
He finished his speech, doing his damndest to maintain the dignity necessary for a man in his position. He then looked up and sighed. Elsa slowly calmed herself as well, and finally replied.
“Thank you. I’m so happy to hear that from you.”
She looked at him, clearly showing the emotion she had been bottling in all this time. She then sighed as if disappointed in herself for not being strong enough, so Lawrence spoke up.
“We merchants are a stubborn lot. What we borrow, we must return. It’s rare for us to speak the way I did just now.”
That’s why he wanted to tie the one he loved to him, like a miser guarding his hoard. He debated saying that out loud, but stopped when he saw the look on her face. She nodded, trying to accept his words. Her smile had an ugly tinge to it.
Just then, the noon bell tolled, and as it faded away he decided to continue.
“You know, your relationship with Evan is quite plain to see.”
“Did we look like we were trying to hide it?”
She was trying to make it seem like she was surprised to hear him say that, but he just smiled at the truth. She coughed, clearly trying to conceal her embarrassment from all of this confessing.
“Even if I cannot solve your problem, I am still clergy. I can still offer you my services. And-”
She squinted.
“-you now owe me a confession.”
So that was her game? It was quite a clumsy attempt, but she had clearly been trying her best for his sake. And she clearly wasn’t just acting, her confession had to be true. She couldn’t very well bend her principles and still hope to help others, but apparently as a clergywoman she also couldn’t help but be nosy.
“Yeah, you’re right.”
He raised his hands in surrender, and she cleared her throat.
“To be frank, you two don’t act normally.”
She was cutting to the chase so quickly that he couldn’t help but felt uncomfortable.
“Well, I’m a human, and she’s a wolf. We’re far from normal to begin with.”
Elsa recoiled in shock, but still didn’t back down.
“That’s not what I mean.”
“What do you mean?”
She pressed on.
“You two clearly love each other, so why can’t you hold hands?”
Lawrence seized up, unable to defend himself against such an attack. He wasn’t angry, but he couldn’t hide his embarrassment.. especially not now that his hand had instinctively shot up and covered half of his face.
“It makes no sense. You can make all the claims you want about her being a wolf, but my father’s books make it clear that there are many stories like yours..”
Lawrence nervously tried to get her to stop. He wanted to bury himself in a hole right now. He couldn’t even look her in the eye. He ended up turning away from her until he managed to calm down.
It wasn’t until recently that he realized just how weak he was when it came to such topics. He couldn’t bear to be seen right now, and he was already waiting for the inevitable laughter at his pathetic nature. It didn’t have to be Holo laughing, after all.
“..Sorry..”
After what felt like an eternity, he finally managed to squeeze that out in his merchant’s tone. His back was covered in a cold sweat, and his face was burning. Just hearing someone else point out that they obviously loved each other was so devastating it felt like he was some useless lump of a man from some comedy.
“But you see, Miss Elsa, we live in the real world. I can’t exist in two places at once. Just holding hands can’t solve our problems.”
In the end, going to Kinisen was that correct course. It was so obvious that a merchant would clap at Holo for being logical.
“And so that’s it? You won’t even fight? You’ll just give up without trying? You’ll-”
“!”
Lawrence didn’t know just how many horrible things he’d managed to keep from blurting out. But he hadn’t been able to stop himself from reaching out and grabbing the collar of Elsa’s robe.
“..Sorry...”
The instant he realized where his hand was, he released her. Elsa didn’t move to straighten her collar. She continuing staring into his eyes. Her anger wasn’t born from his violence, but because he was desperately trying to forcing himself to go against his own wishes, no matter how much he didn’t want to.
“I.. have tried..”
“Have you?”
She didn’t waste a moment. He looked at her, not even capable of anger now th
at he’d wasted all of his energy.
“I.. don’t even know anymore.”
He then walked onward, leaving Elsa awestruck at his odd answer. But she quickly ran up to him again.
“What does that mean?”
“Exactly what it sounds like. I tried to get her to let me take her home, but reality won’t let me. And reality dictates that this is the most sound decision. For me, for her and for Cole.”
He was being an adult about it.. maybe that was the best way to put it. But Elsa was already unable to figure out what to say, and just hung her head sadly.
Of course Lawrence didn’t want this. He’d even demanded that Holo go with him to Yoitsu. But her reasoning was airtight. He couldn’t convince her, not with all of his willpower. And the more he tried, the more he hurt her.
It was only when a person believed there was a perfect solution that they could plow ahead with it, knowing that life would go on happily. But Holo’s tired face said it all, when she explained that time dragged on more and more the older she got. When a person threw everything away, and had nothing to lose, all that was left was a horribly long life.
Lawrence and Elsa silently trudged on. Soon enough, they were at the inn. The first floor was crawling with workers and travelers eating their lunches while wearing various expressions.. some happy, some not happy.
People lived by their own experiences; that’s just how it was. Perpetual happiness was not an option. If you couldn’t compromise, you wouldn’t want to carry on living. Only heros could win and go back home after facing their trials.
But not everyone facing their trials would become a hero. Most of them died somewhere in the middle of their journey. Only by being careful could that journey be extended and, as a merchant, Lawrence knew that well. His kind was much more careful than most.
He walked up the stairs quietly, no longer hearing their loudness, but his softness. Elsa followed closely behind him. Now everyone would pity him, and he’d never be able to live this down. But the reality was that he already pitied himself anyway. He smiled derisively at himself, but as he did-
“You can’t create another miracle?”
She was being blunt again.
“You can’t create another miracle?”
She repeated herself as he silently turned around. She was standing in the corner where the staircase turned, looking up at him.
“You saved my village with a miracle, but if you can’t do that for yourself..”
She stopped talking for a moment, like she was holding back tears.
“..and God won’t create one for you.. then how can I possibly go on spreading His word to others?”
She was staring at Lawrence, but not with hostility. He scratched his head and turned away. This girl was such a pure and devout believer that it was unbelievable.
“I know I’m awful for saying that, but-”
“No, you’re certainly not awful. But we.. well.. I’m just not pure enough to be saved by a miracle.”
He walked back down the stairs and stooped down to straighten the collar he had vented his frustration on. She didn’t brush his hand away, nor look at him with contempt. All she did was watch him.
“I just learned that there is a band of mercenaries near her home, called the Myuri Mercenary Band.”
Elsa didn’t even flinch at his sudden change in topic. He made sure her collar was perfect, then tapped her shoulder to get her to move again.
“And guess what? Myuri is her old friend’s name. From home, several centuries ago. We both thought he died long ago.”
Lawrence didn’t have the heart to look back at her as he spoke. He had no way of knowing what look she would be wearing now but he figured it wouldn’t have changed anyhow.
“And now it turns out he might still be alive. But I haven’t told her yet. I’m planning on telling her when we part ways in Kinisen.”
“Why?”
He heard her small voice ask his back.
“Because I want her heart focused on me for this one last trip. After all, mercenary bands never name themselves after a woman. So, like the idiot that I am, I’m jealous. And well.. since this confession’s come this far, I might as well just flat-out ask.”
He gripped the knob of their door as he turned back to Elsa.
“After wishing that her old friend had just stayed dead.. how can I still ask for a miracle?”
He sighed at himself and turned the doorknob. He actually wanted to dart into the room and lock the door behind himself.
“I’m evil. If I could really perform miracles, I’d never have to worry about it, but I can’t.”
He then began collecting Holo’s spare clothes. It then dawned on him that once she left, he would have to force himself to sell these.. articles that she had purchased without his authorization. Elsa followed suit and began removing clothes from her bag.
“Yes, you are evil. And God will of course punish you for that.”
Even hearing that spoken so plainly sounded normal to Lawrence. He was still smiling, but he stood up, ready to leave the room. But Elsa wasn’t finished.
“But I still don’t understand.”
He turned to face her, and saw that she was showing her anger even more plainly on her face.
“You love her so much, so why are you still trying to be reasonable? It makes no sense. That’s what isn’t normal. You need to pick one or the other.”
“Please don’t push your luck.”
He knew how curt that was, so he smiled and tried to politely soften the blow.
“In the end this is still our problem, and still our decision. Even a servant of God has to respect that.”
It sounded like the weak excuse it really was. He was really glad that Elsa was going this far for him. But there were limits to his tolerance.
“You’re right.”
Elsa stopped and inhaled. As she exhaled, tears spilled from her eyes.
“But I still want to repay your kindness. You may not be willing to make a decision, but.. at least..”
“I may not be willing, but she sure is.”
Lawrence was the only stubborn one about their relationship. He wanted to take her to Yoitsu so much that it hurt, but Holo.. she wanted to be rational so badly she practically set her decision in stone. What he felt just wasn’t as important.
Elsa could say they loved each other with a straight face, but Lawrence was no longer sure. He might even look back on this with a sarcastic smirk in the future. Even just mentioning Myuri had sent a shiver down his spine. And Elsa had noticed that. Her eyes were like the fiery gems people put on the hilts of valuable swords, and reflected the fire in her heart just as powerfully.
“That makes even less sense. Are you both just afraid to make a mistake?”
Lawrence didn’t understand.
“You’re both deliberately keeping your distance, just like Evan does. That even makes the people watching you angry, you know! Why not just be true to yourselves? Do you think compromising means letting her make all the decisions? God will side with whoever’s right, so what are you afraid of!?”
She was getting angrier and angrier as she spoke, until she was panting so fiercely her shoulders were rising and falling with her breaths. On the surface her words sounded reasonable, but they were a disorganized mess. It was like she didn’t even know what she wanted to say. In fact, she might have just been deliberately getting all of her thoughts out at once.
But Lawrence understood her somehow. It wasn’t just that she had a lot of things to say. Her key point was that if he always just listened to Holo, no matter how reasonable she sounded, he was really just using her as an excuse. In the end, the more wisely he tried to act for her sake, the more stupid he became.
“I see.. you’re quite right about that.”
He had no strength to put any emotion behind his words, but they still came from his heart.
“But what can a merchant like me do about that?”
“Just use your o
wn brain.”
It seemed like Elsa had lost track of what she was even angry about. She still stared him down and continued her assault, however.
“Forget praying, just think! If you feel that you don’t deserve God’s grace, then why bother praying? You’re a merchant, so act like one!”
He never expected to hear her say something like that. She was so concerned about Lawrence and Holo that she was willing to put her own faith aside for their sake.
“You merchants are tricksters, aren’t you? Almost like magicians? Then go ahead and be as evil as you have to be, and don’t worry about it!”
She stood tall and looked at him with the most determined expression he’d ever seen her make.
“Besides, I guarantee that a man like you will never violate God’s teachings anyhow!”
The only response he could possibly give now was to laugh her words off. If you asked a hundred merchants whether Holo was right, they would say yes, and twenty others would join them. Most of them would also hand Elsa a glass of wine and ask her to calm down a little.
But not Lawrence. Elsa patiently waited for him. She wasn’t stupid; she knew Holo’s choice was rational. But it was rational to a fault, considering Lawrence’s feelings. She just couldn’t agree that it was correct. If Elsa felt that strongly than he owed it to her to try bending her words the same way he bent Holo’s.
So, he could be as evil as he wanted, and Elsa would help him when God came for an explanation. The normal course was to give up when things were hopeless, but a merchant would never give up hope when the profit was this important. His goal was simple: to get that company to sell him the book without having to go to Kinisen.
Could he kidnap the owner’s wife or daughter? Threaten them with black magic? Hire mercenaries to put pressure on them? It was liberating to throw his morals out the window (and just as interesting) but Elsa had misunderstood a key point. Merchants weren’t magicians.
Spice & Wolf XIV (DWT) Page 15