by Nikki Ash
“Because I know you have a past, but so do I. Nobody’s life is perfect. I know you have shit you’re hiding, shit you’re either afraid to share or are ashamed of, but I want you to trust me enough to open up to me. By nature, I’m a fixer. I always have been. But for the first time in my life, I don’t want to fix someone. I don’t want to fix you. I like you just the way you are, but I want to understand…No, I need to understand why you are the way you are. I need to know why the tears pop up out of nowhere. Why your smiles are always marred with a hint of sadness, and I’m hoping by me telling you about myself, you’ll do the same.”
The knot in my stomach has moved upwards and is now lodged in my throat. Tristan might think his life isn’t perfect, but it’s pretty damn close compared to the fuckedupness that makes up my life.
Tristan lets go of my face, and it’s only then I realize I’m crying. He wipes the tear from my cheek then moves his hands down my arms, landing on my hips. He squeezes my sides tightly. He doesn’t say anything, though. I know it’s because he’s waiting for me to speak. He’s waiting to see if I will reciprocate and let him into my life, shine light on the parts I’ve kept hidden. But I can’t do that. So instead I give him what I can.
“My name is Charlie Pratt. As I mentioned before, I was born and raised in Georgia. My parents loved me and gave me all they could, but we were poor. I moved to Texas and went to A&M. I majored in Art and Digital Design as you also know. My parents were killed in a fire before I graduated. I met a guy and we dated for a short time before getting married.” I stop and take a deep breath, shocked I just opened that can of worms. I need to backtrack…but just as I’m about to steer the story in a different direction, Tristan looks me in the eye and says, “C’mon, Charlie, you can do it. I can feel the tension in your body, you are at the hard part. Don’t stop, please. You’re right there. At the part that hurts deep down inside of you. The reason for your tears and sadness. Please…tell me.”
And I can no longer keep my dark truth from this man.. “I killed my daughter.”
The way his hands deathly grip my hips is the only indication he heard my admission of guilt.
Tristan
“I killed my daughter.”
I knew she was hiding something dark. I saw it in the way she spoke, the way her eyes filled with tears when Lexi would speak to her. I saw the way she would keep us at arm’s length. But I never imagined those would be the words that would come out of her mouth.
I realize my hands have tightened on her hips when she flinches. We’re both sitting here, her on my lap, not saying a word. It takes me a minute to wrap my head around her words.
I killed my daughter.
There has to be more to this. If she had killed her daughter she would be in jail, and I see the way she is with Lexi. There isn’t a mean bone in this woman’s body. She ran from a couple of guys fighting in the gym for crying out loud.
“Charlie, you’re going to have to explain, sweetheart,” I say softly. I don’t want her to clam up on me. She swallows thickly and tries to climb off my lap, but I’m not having it. I’m not letting her push me away again.
“I killed my daughter,” she repeats. “I was responsible for her and she died.”
I hold her tighter, my eyes never leaving hers.
“Talk to me, Charlie. Tell me what happened.”
“It was three days before Thanksgiving…last year.” I can see it in her eyes as she talks, she’s no longer with me. She’s stuck in the past with her daughter and the tragedy of what happened.
“I wasn’t watching Georgia and she ran outside. She was hit by a car. I don’t really remember it all.”
“How do you not remember it?” I ask carefully.
She takes a deep breath. “According to the doctor at the hospital, I had blacked out and hit my head on the coffee table. During that time, my daughter Georgia ran outside and was hit by a car.”
Holy shit! I can’t even imagine waking up and finding out my daughter was dead. She keeps talking, so I don’t say anything.
“Tristan, I can’t remember anything from around that time. I’ve tried to remember so many times but I can’t. It doesn’t matter, though. My beautiful, innocent, precious Georgia Rae was killed that day while in my care. She ran outside and a car hit her. I was responsible for her and she’s dead because of me.”
Jesus, the guilt that must be consuming her, I don’t even know where to start, what to say. I’ve only known this woman for a short time, but I can’t see her doing anything that would intentionally harm someone else, especially someone she loves.
“I won’t blame you for walking away, Tristan. For not wanting me around Lexi and you.” Her eyes fall, no longer looking at me.
“Were you charged with something?”
“No.” She shakes her head. “I was told it was ruled an accident. There were no drugs or alcohol in my system. I have never blacked out or fainted from what I can remember, so I don’t get it. The doctor didn’t have any answers. There was a funeral for her but I was so grief-stricken I didn’t attend. Two months later I moved here needing to get away from everything that reminded me of what I did, and I’ve been living here for the last nine months.”
I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her closer to me. “Hey, look at me.” She looks up and I spot the unshed tears about to spill over her lids. “You didn’t do anything wrong. What happened to your daughter is a fucking tragedy. But you didn’t set out to have her killed. You weren’t neglecting her, and you didn’t throw her into the road. I trust you one hundred percent with Lexi. Are you seeing a therapist? Someone you can talk to about all this guilt you feel?”
She nods. “Yes, I have been seeing a therapist since shortly after I moved here. It started off as several times a week but now I see her every Monday.”
“And what about Georgia’s father?” I ask and Charlie stills.
“I left him two months after she died, and I haven’t seen him since.”
I know there’s more to this story. She admitted to being in an abusive relationship before. But I don’t push her. Having to tell the story of her daughter dying is enough. I don’t want to tip her over the edge. She’s here in California and no longer with the guy, and that’s all that matters. When she’s ready she’ll give me more.
“Thank you for sharing your past with me.” I give her a kiss on her nose then one on each of her now tear-stained cheeks. “I am so sorry for your loss. Can you tell me about her? I don’t want this conversation to end like this,” I admit. “She was a part of you and I want to know about her.”
Charlie nods emphatically, tears now streaming down her face as she gives me a small smile. “Yeah, I can do that.” She climbs off my lap and I let her. “Let’s eat, and I’ll tell you about her.”
She unwraps her tuna salad sandwich and takes a small bite, then she takes a sip of her drink. “Georgia Rae was the light of my life,” she begins, and as we both eat our sandwiches, she tells me all about her daughter, who—it is evident in every word and story she shares—was her entire world until the day she tragically died.
Sixteen
Charlie
When I told Tristan about Georgia, he handled it with such grace and compassion. I shouldn’t be surprised, though. That’s the kind of guy he is. He assured me, just as my therapist has done, it was an accident, but he didn’t try to belittle my feelings of guilt. He allowed me to feel what I feel, understanding I will always in some way feel responsible for the death of my baby girl.
And then when he asked about her, wanting to know the good, I knew in that moment one day I would love this man—I was already halfway there. We spent the rest of the night getting to know one another. I kept it positive, only sharing stories of Georgia and me, keeping Justin out of it completely. To get into the physical and emotional abuse he put me through…I just couldn’t handle it. Telling him about Georgia had already taken so much out of me.
When I started to fall asleep in Tristan’s
arms, listening to the waves crash, we reluctantly called it a night. The last couple days he has sent me several text messages asking how I’m doing, how my day is going, and sending me funny as well as sexy pictures of him. I think he’s trying to give me some space after the emotionally draining night we had, while still letting me know he’s here. Once again, this man knows exactly what I need.
It’s now Sunday and my phone is ringing. I grab it and see it’s Tristan, only he’s facetiming me. I also see that it’s already the afternoon. The Halloween party was crazy busy last night and I didn’t stumble in until almost five o’clock this morning.
“Hello,” I say, rolling over to my side. The video connects and Lexi’s bright smile graces the screen. I pull my blanket up making sure I’m appropriate.
“Charlie! You’re awake!” She giggles. I hear Tristan yelling something in the background and Lexi rolls her eyes.
“I am, sweet girl. Does your dad know you’re calling me?”
“Nope! But I was videoing with my best friend and cousin, Micaela, so we could show each other our costumes and then I saw your picture! Are you coming trick-or-treating with me?” Her big blue eyes plead and I’m a goner.
“Lexi! Tell Micaela you’ll call her later. We need to go pick up your bag for candy and get dinner.” Tristan steps into view, looking confused when he sees it’s me on the phone and not his daughter’s cousin. “Go get your shoes on.”
There’s shuffling with the phone and then it’s only Tristan on the screen. “Charlie?”
“Hello.” I smile at him.
“Are you in bed?” he whispers, his eyes darting around him to make sure Lexi can’t hear.
“I am.” I shift my body, the blanket falling slightly to reveal my tiny tank top.
He groans. “Jesus, woman. I’m taking Lexi trick-or-treating. How about I pick you up afterward and we can hang out at my place once she goes to bed?” He waggles his eyebrows and I giggle at his playfulness, but then when I realize what he means…that he doesn’t want me going trick-or-treating with them, my heart sinks. Maybe he’s concerned about the welfare of his daughter after all, and who can blame him? Accident or not, my daughter was killed under my supervision.
“Hey,” he says, snapping me from my thoughts. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I shake my head. “That sounds good. Just text me when you’re on your way.” Just then Lexi comes running back into view.
“Is she coming Daddy? Is Charlie coming with us?” I see Tristan’s brows furrow before he turns away from the camera.
“No, sweetie. It’s going to be you and me. Mason is out of town for a press stuff for his upcoming fight, and Morgan is out of town for the weekend for a fashion show.”
“But what about Charlie?” she asks when he doesn’t give an excuse for me. Not wanting to listen to whatever excuse he’s going to make up, I speak up.
“Tristan, I have to go, I have a call coming in.” I hit the end button and throw my phone down. It lands on the end of the bed, and I snuggle back up in my blankets and close my eyes, hoping to fall back asleep. My heart feels like it’s being squeezed and my mind can’t stop thinking about Tristan pushing me away. I know he said he trusts me around her. He insisted what happened to Georgia was an accident. He was so sweet and sympathetic the entire time I told him the little bit of details I knew. I just don’t get why all of a sudden, he seems to be having a change of heart.
“Isn’t this what I wanted?” I think to myself. Since the day I met the two of them I pushed them away, so shouldn’t I be relieved at this turn of events? No, I decide, I’m not. Because the second Tristan knew the truth about my daughter and didn’t judge or blame me, I felt like a bit of weight was lifted off of me. I felt hopeful we could have a real chance at something good, something real. I wouldn’t have to hide my sadness when memories surfaced regarding Georgia. I could be open and honest and Tristan would be understanding.
My phone rings and I ignore it. When it rings a second time, I throw my blanket off of me and grab the phone. It stops ringing but immediately picks back up again. Tristan. Knowing he’ll keep calling until I pick up, I answer, making sure to sound cheerful. Since we aren’t video chatting, it makes it easier to hide my disappointment about him not wanting me to join them.
“Hello.”
“I’m sorry, Charlie.” Tristan sighs.
“For what?” I ask unsure what exactly he’s apologizing for.
“For Lexi calling and asking you to go trick-or-treating.” He’s apologizing for her inviting me? What the heck?
“Why would you apologize for that?” I ask confused.
His voice lowers several octaves. “Now that I know about your loss…about Georgia…I understand why you didn’t want to join us at the painting contest.”
“That was only because that day was Georgia’s birthday. Do you not want me to join you guys? If you’ve changed your mind about wanting me in Lexi’s life I completely understand—”
“Whoa! Stop! Of course I want you in our life. I meant what I said the other night. I trust you one hundred percent with my daughter. I just figured it would be hard on you. Your first Halloween without her…”
Oh, my goodness. This man. I don’t deserve his compassion. He wasn’t trying to protect his daughter from me. He was trying to protect my heart. “I thought you didn’t want me to go,” I murmur.
“Of course, I want you to go! Fuck, Charlie. Do you have any idea how hard it’s been staying away from you these last couple of days? I was trying to give you some breathing room. I know shit got heavy. I was afraid too much too soon would have you running.”
“I don’t want breathing room,” I blurt out. “I love being around you and Lexi. When I thought you didn’t want me to go with you guys, I could feel my heart starting to break. Yes, it’s hard knowing I’ll never see my daughter experiencing these moments, but knowing you get it, makes it that much easier.”
I hear Tristan release a deep breath. “We’ll be to your place in thirty minutes to pick you up…and Charlie…”
“Yeah?”
“Your heart is safe with me. Never doubt that again.”
Tristan and Lexi pick me up and we head to the store to pick her up a bag to hold her candy. Then we go to a local pizza parlor for an early dinner. After we’ve successfully devoured an entire pie, Tristan hands Lexi a bag. “Okay, let’s go to the bathroom so you can get changed.”
“Can Charlie take me into the girls’ bathroom?”
Tristan gives me a look asking if I’m okay with that. “Of course, I can,” I say, not wanting to say no to Lexi. She is too young to understand why I’m so reluctant to be alone with her. “Please stay right outside,” I whisper to Tristan and he nods knowingly. I know if I want to be a part of their life long-term there are going to be times I’m alone with Lexi, but for now I need to take it one day at a time. Knowing Tristan is right outside, god forbid something happens, is comforting.
“Okay, sweet girl. Let’s do this.” Lexi closes the stall door behind her, leaving me in the main area while she takes off her clothes, and my heart picks up over the fact I can no longer see her. I know it’s ridiculous. She’s in a stall, two feet away with walls on both sides, but those facts don’t stop my brain from conjuring up worst case scenarios.
“Lexi, you okay?”
“Yep! I’m going to the bathroom so I don’t have to go while we’re trick-or-treating.” Smart girl. I hear the toilet flush and then she says, “Can you throw me over my costume?” I take deep breaths in and out once I hear her voice. I pull her costume out of the bag and throw it over the top, holding onto it until I feel her tug on it. A minute later, the lock clicks and she steps out, looking like the cute little artist she is.
“Ta-da!” She raises her left arm striking a pose.
“Beautiful!” I gush, pushing back the memories of the last time I was with Georgia on Halloween. I would never consider Lexi a replacement or a fill-in for Georgia, but standing here
, staring at this sweet girl, I feel like maybe she was brought into my life for a reason. For the last several months I’ve felt like I was stuck frozen in place, not living, and then Tristan and Lexi entered my world, and it’s as if they breathed life back into my lungs.
I grab her clothes, fold them, and put them into the bag while Lexi washes and dries her hands. When we exit the bathroom, Tristan is standing against the wall in the hallway messing with his phone. When he hears the door open he looks up, smiling. “There’s my little artist. You ready to rock-n-roll?”
“Yep!” Lexi skips toward the front of the restaurant and we follow behind her. Tristan puts Lexi into her seat in his truck and shuts the door. Just as I’m about to get in, he stops me, his hands holding my shoulders back, his front so close to my back I can feel his cool breath.
“I’m proud of you, Charlie. I know going in there with her was hard but you did it…and nothing happened.” He leans closer into me and gives me a kiss on my cheek. “If, at any time, you need me today, you just let me know. We will get through this together. Okay?” I simply nod, the lump in my throat preventing me from speaking. He has no idea how much those words mean to me…or maybe he does.
We pull up to a neighborhood that looks familiar and Tristan parks along the grass where other cars are parking. “Are we near Larchmont?” I ask.
“Yeah, only a couple neighborhoods over. A lot of parents take their kids trick-or-treating here because the homes are close together and the owners all sit outside so the kids don’t have to go all the way up to their door. Plus, they always go all out decorating for the different holidays. You should see the place during Christmas.”
Lexi joins the conversation. “Daddy and I walk around to see all the lights!” I look around and notice all the houses are decorated for Halloween. Orange, black, and white lights. Blown-up Halloween themed characters littering the lawns. There’s music playing and tons of people are already walking from house to house while others are sitting in chairs giving out candy.