Plays Pleasant

by George Bernard Shaw

  NAPOLEON. Giuseppe: your flatteries are insufferable. Go and talk outside. [He sits down again at the table, with his jaws in his hands, and his elbows propped on the map, poring over it with a troubled expression].

  GIUSEPPE. Willingly, your excellency. You shall not be disturbed. [He takes up the tray and prepares to withdraw].

  NAPOLEON. The moment he comes back, send him to me.

  GIUSEPPE. Instantaneously, your excellency.

  A LADY’S VOICE [calling from some distant part of the inn] Giusep-pe! [The voice is very musical, and the two final notes make an ascending interval].

  NAPOLEON [startled] Who’s that?

  GIUSEPPE. The lady, excellency.

  NAPOLEON. The lady upstairs?

  GIUSEPPE. Yes, excellency. The strange lady.

  NAPOLEON. Strange? Where does she come from?

  GIUSEPPE [with a shrug] Who knows? She arrived here just before your excellency in a hired carriage belonging to the Golden Eagle at Borghetto. By herself, excellency. No servants. A dressing bag and a trunk: that is all. The postillion says she left a horse at the Golden Eagle. A charger, with military trappings.

  NAPOLEON. A woman with a charger! French or Austrian?

  GIUSEPPE. French, excellency.

  NAPOLEON. Her husband’s charger, no doubt. Killed at Lodi, poor fellow.

  THE LADY’S VOICE [the two final notes now making a peremptory descending interval] Giuseppe!

  NAPOLEON [rising to listen] Thats not the voice of a woman whose husband was killed yesterday.

  GIUSEPPE. Husbands are not always regretted, excellency. [Calling] Coming, lady, coming. [He makes for the inner door].

  NAPOLEON [arresting him with a strong hand on his shoulder] Stop. Let her come.

  VOICE. Giuseppe!! [impatiently].

  GIUSEPPE. Let me go, excellency. It is my point of honor as an innkeeper to come when I am called. I appeal to you as a soldier.

  A MAN’S VOICE [outside, at the inn door, shouting] Here, someone. Hollo! Landlord! Where are you? [Somebody raps vigorously with a whip handle on a bench in the passage].

  NAPOLEON [suddenly becoming the commanding officer again and throwing Giuseppe off] My man at last. [Pointing to the inner door] Go. Attend to your business: the lady is calling you. [He goes to the fireplace and stands with his back to it with a determined military air].

  GIUSEPPE [with bated breath, snatching up his tray] Certainly, excellency. [He hurries out by the inner door].

  THE MAN’S VOICE [impatiently] Are you all asleep here?

  The other door is kicked rudely open. A dusty sub-lieutenant bursts into the room. He is a tall chuckle-headed young man of 24, with the complexion and style of a man of rank, and a self-assurance on that ground which the French Revolution has failed to shake in the smallest degree. He has a thick silly lip, an eager credulous eye, an obstinate nose, and a loud confident voice. A young man without fear, without reverence, without imagination, without sense, hopelessly insusceptible to the Napoleonic or any other idea, stupendously egotistical, eminently qualified to rush in where angels fear to tread, yet of a vigorous babbling vitality which bustles him into the thick of things. He is just now boiling with vexation, attributable by a superficial observer to his impatience at not being promptly attended to by the staff of the inn, but in which a more discerning eye can perceive a certain moral depth, indicating a more permanent and momentous grievance. On seeing Napoleon, he is sufficiently taken aback to check himself and salute; but he does not betray by his manner any of that prophetic consciousness of Marengo and Austerlitz, Waterloo and St Helena, or the Napoleonic pictures of Delaroche and Meissonier, which later ages expect from him.

  NAPOLEON [watch in hand] Well, sir, you have come at last. Your instructions were that I should arrive here at six, and find you waiting for me with my mail from Paris and with despatches. It is now twenty minutes to eight. You were sent on this service as a hard rider with the fastest horse in the camp. You arrive a hundred minutes late, on foot. Where is your horse?

  THE LIEUTENANT [moodily pulling off his gloves and dashing them with his cap and whip on the table] Ah! where indeed? Thats just what I should like to know, General. [With emotion] You dont know how fond I was of that horse.

  NAPOLEON [angrily sarcastic] Indeed! [With sudden misgiving] Where are the letters and despatches?

  THE LIEUTENANT [importantly, rather pleased than otherwise at having some remarkable news] I dont know.

  NAPOLEON [unable to believe his ears] You dont know!

  LIEUTENANT. No more than you do, General. Now I suppose I shall be court-martialled. Well, I dont mind being court-martialled; but [with solemn determination] I tell you, General, if ever I catch that innocent looking youth, I’ll spoil his beauty, the slimy little liar! I’ll make a picture of him. I’ll –

  NAPOLEON [advancing from the hearth to the table] What innocent looking youth? Pull yourself together, sir, will you; and give an account of yourself.

  LIEUTENANT [facing him at the opposite side of the table, leaning on it with his fists] Oh, I’m all right, General: I’m perfectly ready to give an account of myself. I shall make the court-martial thoroughly understand that the fault was not mine. Advantage has been taken of the better side of my nature; and I’m not ashamed of it. But with all respect to you as my commanding officer, General, I say again that if ever I set eyes on that son of Satan, I’ll –

  NAPOLEON [angrily] So you said before.

  LIEUTENANT [drawing himself upright] I say it again. Just wait until I catch him. Just wait: thats all. [He folds his arms resolutely, and breathes hard, with compressed lips].

  NAPOLEON. I am waiting, sir. For your explanation.

  LIEUTENANT [confidently] Youll change your tone, General, when you hear what has happened to me.

  NAPOLEON. Nothing has happened to you, sir: you are alive and not disabled. Where are the papers entrusted to you?

  LIEUTENANT. Nothing happened to me! Nothing!! He swore eternal brotherhood with me. Was that nothing? He said my eyes reminded him of his sister’s eyes. Was that nothing? He cried – actually cried – over the story of my separation from Angelica. Was that nothing? He paid for both bottles of wine, though he only ate bread and grapes himself. Perhaps you call that nothing. He gave me his pistols and his horse and his despatches – most important despatches – and let me go away with them. [Triumphantly, seeing that he has reduced Napoleon to blank stupefaction] Was that nothing?

  NAPOLEON [enfeebled by astonishment] What did he do that for?

  LIEUTENANT [as if the reason were obvious] To shew his confidence in me, of course. [Napoleon’s jaw does not exactly drop; but its hinges become nerveless]. And I was worthy of his confidence: I brought them all back honorably. But would you believe it? when I trusted him with my pistols, and my horse, and my despatches –

  NAPOLEON. What the devil did you do that for?

  LIEUTENANT. I’m telling you: to shew my confidence in him. And he betrayed it! abused it! never came back again! The thief! the swindler! the heartless treacherous little blackguard! You call that nothing, I suppose. But look here, General: [again resorting to the table with his fists for greater emphasis] you may put up with this outrage from the Austrians if you like; but speaking for myself personally, I tell you that if ever I catch –

  NAPOLEON [turning on his heel in disgust and irritably resuming his march to and fro] Yes: you have said that more than once already.

  LIEUTENANT [excitedly] More than once! I’ll say it fifty times; and whats more, I’ll do it. Youll see, General. I’ll shew my confidence in him, so I will. I’ll –

  NAPOLEON. Yes, yes, sir: no doubt you will. What kind of man was he?

  LIEUTENANT. Well, I should think you ought to be able to tell from his conduct the kind of man he was.

  NAPOLEON. Psha! What was he like?

  LIEUTENANT. Like! He was like – well, well, you ought to have just seen the fellow: that will give you a notion of what he was like. He wont be li
ke it five minutes after I catch him; for I tell you that if ever –

  NAPOLEON [shouting furiously for the innkeeper] Giuseppe! [To the Lieutenant, out of all patience] Hold your tongue, sir, if you can.

  LIEUTENANT [plaintively] I warn you it’s no use trying to put the blame on me. How was I to know the sort of fellow he was? [He takes a chair from between the sideboard and the outer door; places it near the table; and sits down]. If you only knew how hungry and tired I am, youd have more consideration.

  GIUSEPPE [returning] What is it, excellency?

  NAPOLEON [struggling with his temper] Take this – this officer. Feed him; and put him to bed, if necessary. When he is in his right mind again, find out what has happened to him and bring me word. [To the Lieutenant] Consider yourself under arrest, sir.

  LIEUTENANT [with sulky stiffness] I was prepared for that. It takes a gentleman to understand a gentleman. [He throws his sword on the table].

  GIUSEPPE [with sympathetic concern] Have you been attacked by the Austrians, lieutenant? Dear! dear! dear!

  LIEUTENANT [contemptuously] Attacked! I could have broken his back between my finger and thumb. I wish I had, now. No: it was by appealing to the better side of my nature: thats what I cant get over. He said he’d never met a man he liked so much as me. He put his handkerchief round my neck because a gnat bit me, and my stock was chafing it. Look! [He pulls a handkerchief from his stock. Giuseppe takes it and examines it].

  GIUSEPPE [to Napoleon] A lady’s handkerchief, excellency. [He smells it]. Perfumed.

  NAPOLEON. Eh? [He takes it and looks at it attentively]. Hm! [He smells it]. Ha! [He walks thoughtfully across the room, looking at the handkerchief which he finally sticks in the breast of his coat].

  LIEUTENANT. Good enough for him, anyhow. I noticed that he had a woman’s hands when he touched my neck, with his coaxing fawning ways, the mean effeminate little hound. [Lowering his voice with thrilling intensity] But mark my words, General. If ever –

  THE LADY’S VOICE [outside, as before] Giuseppe!

  LIEUTENANT [petrified] What was that?

  GIUSEPPE. Only a lady upstairs, lieutenant, calling me.

  LIEUTENANT. Lady!

  VOICE. Giuseppe, Giuseppe: where are you?

  LIEUTENANT [murderously] Give me that sword. [He snatches up the sword and draws it].

  GIUSEPPE [rushing forward and seizing his right arm] What are you thinking of, lieutenant? It’s a lady: dont you hear? It’s a woman’s voice.

  LIEUTENANT. It’s his voice, I tell you. Let me go. [He breaks away, and rushes to the edge of the veranda, where he posts himself, sword in hand, watching the door like a cat watching a mousehole].

  It opens; and the Strange Lady steps in. She is tall and extra-ordinarily graceful, with a delicately intelligent, apprehensive, questioning face: perception in the brow, sensitiveness in the nostrils, character in the chin: all keen, refined, and original. She is very feminine, but by no means weak: the lithe tender figure is hung on a strong frame: the hands and feet, neck and shoulders, are useful vigorous members, of full size in proportion to her stature, which perceptibly exceeds that of Napoleon and the innkeeper, and leaves her at no disadvantage with the lieutenant. Only, her elegance and radiant charm keep the secret of her size and strength. She is not, judging by her dress, an admirer of the latest fashions of the Directory; or perhaps she uses up her old dresses for travelling. At all events she wears no jacket with extravagant lappels, no Greco-Tallien sham chiton, nothing, indeed, that the Princesse de Lamballe might not have worn. Her dress of flowered silk is long waisted, with a Watteau pleat behind, but with the paniers reduced to mere rudiments, as she is too tall for them. It is cut low in the neck where it is eked out by a creamy fichu. She is fair, with golden brown hair and grey eyes.

  She enters with the self-possession of a woman accustomed to the privileges of rank and beauty. The innkeeper, who has excellent natural manners, is highly appreciative of her. Napoleon is smitten self-conscious. His color deepens: he becomes stiffer and less at ease than before. She is advancing in an infinitely well bred manner to pay her respects to him when the lieutenant pounces on her and seizes her right wrist. As she recognizes him, she becomes deadly pale. There is no mistaking her expression: a revelation of some fatal error, utterly unexpected, has suddenly appalled her in the midst of tranquillity, security, and victory. The next moment a wave of angry color rushes up from beneath the creamy fichu and drowns her whole face. One can see that she is blushing all over her body. Even the lieutenant, ordinarily incapable of observation, can see a thing when it is painted red for him. Interpreting the blush as the involuntary confession of black deceit confronted with its victim, he addresses her in a loud crow of retributive triumph.

  LIEUTENANT. So Ive got you, my lad. So youve disguised yourself, have you? [In a voice of thunder, releasing her wrist] Take off that skirt.

  GIUSEPPE [remonstrating] Oh, lieutenant!

  LADY [affrighted, but highly indignant at his having dared to touch her] Gentlemen: I appeal to you. [To Napoleon] You, sir, are an officer: a general. You will protect me will you not?

  LIEUTENANT. Never mind him, General. Leave me to deal with him.

  NAPOLEON. With him! With whom, sir? Why do you treat this lady in such a fashion?

  LIEUTENANT. Lady! He’s a man! the man I shewed my confidence in. [Raising his sword] Here, you –

  LADY [running behind Napoleon and in her agitation clasping to her breast the arm which he extends before her as a fortification] Oh, thank you, General. Keep him away.

  NAPOLEON. Nonsense, sir. This is certainly a lady [she suddenly drops his arm and blushes again] ; and you are under arrest. Put down your sword, sir, instantly.

  LIEUTENANT. General: I tell you he’s an Austrian spy. He passed himself off on me as one of General Masséna’s staff this afternoon; and now he’s passing himself off on you as a woman. Am I to believe my own eyes or not?

  LADY. General: it must be my brother. He is on General Masséna’s staff. He is very like me.

  LIEUTENANT [his mind giving way] Do you mean to say that youre not your brother, but your sister? the sister who was so like me? who had my beautiful blue eyes? It’s a lie: your eyes are not like mine: theyre exactly like your own.

  NAPOLEON [with contained exasperation] Lieutenant: will you obey my orders and leave the room, since you are convinced at last that this is no gentleman?

  LIEUTENANT. Gentleman! I should think not. No gentleman would have abused my confid –

  NAPOLEON [out of all patience] That will do, sir: do you hear? Will you leave the room? I order you to leave the room.

  LADY. Oh pray let me go instead.

  NAPOLEON [drily] Excuse me, madam. With all possible respect for your brother, I do not yet understand what an officer on General Masséna’s staff wants with my letters. I have some questions to put to you.

  GIUSEPPE [discreetly] C ome, lieutenant. [He opens the door].

  LIEUTENANT. I’m off. General: take warning by me: be on your guard against the better side of your nature. [To the lady] Madam: my apologies. I thought you were the same person, only of the opposite sex; and that naturally misled me.

  LADY [recovering her good humor] It was not your fault was it? I’m so glad youre not angry with me any longer, lieutenant. [She offers her hand].

  LIEUTENANT [bending gallantly to kiss it] Oh, madam, not the lea – [Checking himself and looking at it] You have your brother’s hand. And the same sort of ring!

  LADY [sweetly] We are twins.

  LIEUTENANT. That accounts for it. [He kisses her hand]. A thousand pardons. I didnt mind about the despatches at all: thats more the General’s affair than mine: it was the abuse of my confidence through the better side of my nature. [Taking his cap, gloves and whip from the table and going] Youll excuse my leaving you, General, I hope. Very sorry, I’m sure. [He talks himself out of the room. Giuseppe follows him and shuts the door].

  NAPOLEON [looking after them with concent
rated irritation] Idiot! The Strange Lady smiles sympathetically. He comes frowningdown the room between the table and the fireplace, all his awkwardness gone now that he is alone with her.

  LADY. How can I thank you, General, for your protection?

  NAPOLEON [turning on her suddenly] My despatches: come! [He puts out his hand for them].

  LADY. General! [She involuntarily puts her hand on her fichu as if to protect something there].

  NAPOLEON. YOU tricked that blockhead out of them. You disguised yourself as a man. I want my despatches. They are there in the bosom of your dress, under your hands.

  LADY [quickly removing her hands] Oh, how unkindly you are speaking to me! [She takes her handkerchief from her fichu] You frighten me. [She touches her eyes as if to wipe away a tear].

  NAPOLEON. I see you dont know me, madam, or you would save yourself the trouble of pretending to cry.

  LADY [producing an effect of smiling through her tears] Yes, I do know you. You are the famous General Buonaparte. [She gives the name a marked Italian pronunciation; Bwawna-parr-te].

  NAPOLEON [angrily, with the French pronunciation] Bonaparte, madam, Bonaparte. The papers, if you please.

  LADY. But I assure you – [He snatches the handkerchief rudely]. General! [indignantly].

  NAPOLEON [taking the other handkerchief from his breast] You lent one of your handkerchiefs to my lieutenant when you robbed him. [He looks at the two handkerchiefs]. They match one another. [He smells them]. The same scent. [He flings them down on the table]. I am waiting for my despatches. I shall take them, if necessary, with as little ceremony as I took the handkerchief.

  LADY [in dignified reproof] General: do you threaten women?

  NAPOLEON [bluntly] Yes.

  LADY [disconcerted, trying to gain time] But I dont understand. I –

  NAPOLEON. You understand perfectly. You came here because your Austrian employers calculated that I was six leagues away. I am always to be found where my enemies dont expect me. You have walked into the lion’s den. Come! you are a brave woman. Be a sensible one: I have no time to waste. The papers. [He advances a step ominously].