LADY [revolted] Suppose that packet contained a letter about your own wife?
NAPOLEON [offended, coming off the table] You are impertinent, madam.
LADY [humbly] I beg your pardon. Caesar’s wife is above suspicion.
NAPOLEON [with a deliberate assumption of superiority] You have committed an indiscretion. I pardon you. In future, do not permit yourself to introduce real persons in your romances.
LADY [politely ignoring a speech which is to her only a breach of good manners] General: there really is a woman’s letter there. [Pointing to the packet] Give it to me.
NAPOLEON [with brute conciseness] Why?
LADY. She is an old friend: we were at school together. She has written to me imploring me to prevent the letter falling into your hands.
NAPOLEON. Why has it been sent to me?
LADY. Because it compromises the director Barras.
NAPOLEON [frowning, and evidently startled] Barras! [Haughtily] Take care, madam. The director Barras is my attached personal friend.
LADY [nodding placidly] Yes. You became friends through your wife.
NAPOLEON. Again! Have I not forbidden you to speak of my wife? [She keeps looking curiously at him, taking no account of the rebuke. More and more irritated, he drops his haughty manner, of which he is himself somewhat impatient, and says suspiciously, lowering his voice] Who is this woman with whom you sympathize so deeply?
LADY. Oh, General! How could I tell you that?
NAPOLEON [ill humoredly, beginning to walk about again in angry perplexity] Ay, ay: stand by one another. You are all the same, you women.
LADY [indignantly] We are not all the same, any more than you are. Do you think that if I loved another man, I should pretend to go on loving my husband, or be afraid to tell him or all the world? But this woman is not made that way. She governs men by cheating them; and they like it, and let her govern them. [She turns her back to him in disdain].
NAPOLEON [not attending to her] Barras? Barras? [Very threateningly, his face darkening] Take care. Take care: do you hear? You may go too far.
LADY [innocently turning her face to him] Whats the matter?
NAPOLEON. What are you hinting at? Who is this woman?
LADY [meeting his angry searching gaze with tranquil indifference as she sits looking up at him] A vain, silly, extravagant creature, with a very able and ambitious husband who knows her through and through: knows that she has lied to him about her age, her income, her social position, about everything that silly women lie about: knows that she is incapable of fidelity to any principle or any person; and yet cannot help loving her – cannot help his man’s instinct to make use of her for his own advancement with Barras.
NAPOLEON [in a stealthy coldly furious whisper] This is your revenge, you she cat, for having had to give me the letters.
LADY. Nonsense! Or do you mean that you are that sort of man?
NAPOLEON [exasperated, clasps his hands behind him, his fingers twitching, and says, as he walks irritably away from her to the fireplace] This woman will drive me out of my senses. [To her] Begone.
LADY [seated immovably] Not without that letter.
NAPOLEON. Begone, I tell you. [Walking from the fireplace to the vineyard and back to the table] You shall have no letter. I dont like you. Youre a detestable woman, and as ugly as Satan. I dont choose to be pestered by strange women. Be off. [He turns his back on her. In quiet amusement, she leans her cheek on her hand and laughs at him. He turns again, angrily mocking her]. Ha! ha! ha! What are you laughing at?
LADY. At you, General. I have often seen persons of your sex getting into a pet and behaving like children; but I never saw a really great man do it before.
NAPOLEON [brutally, flinging the words in her face] Psha! Flattery! Flattery! Coarse, impudent flattery!
LADY [springing up with a bright flush in her cheeks] Oh, you are too bad. Keep your letters. Read the story of your own dishonor in them; and much good may they do. Goodbye. [She goes indignantly towards the inner door].
NAPOLEON. My own –! Stop. Come back. Come back, I order you. [She proudly disregards his savagely peremptory tone and continues on her way to the door. He rushes at her; seizes her by the arm; and drags her back]. Now, what do you mean? Explain. Explain. I tell you, or – [threatening her. She looks at him with unflinching defiance]. Rrrr! you obstinate devil, you. [Throwing her arm away] Why cant you answer a civil question?
LADY [deeply offended by his violence] Why do you ask me? You have the explanation.
NAPOLEON. Where?
LADY [pointing to the letters on the table] There. You have only to read it.
He snatches the packet up; hesitates; looks at her suspiciously; and throws it down again.
NAPOLEON. You seem to have forgotten your solicitude for the honor of your old friend.
LADY. I do not think she runs any risk now. She does not quite understand her husband.
NAPOLEON. I am to read the letter then? [He stretches out his hand as if to take up the packet again, with his eye on her].
LADY. I do not see how you can very well avoid doing so now. [He instantly withdraws his hand]. Oh, dont be afraid. You will find many interesting things in it.
NAPOLEON. For instance?
LADY. For instance, a duel with Barras, a domestic scene, a broken household, a public scandal, a checked career, all sorts of things.
NAPOLEON. Hm! [He looks at her; takes up the packet and looks at it, pursing his lips and balancing it in his hand; looks at her again; passes the packet into his left hand and puts it behind his back, raising his right to scratch the back of his head as he turns and goes up to the edge of the vineyard, where he stands for a moment looking out into the vines, deep in thought. The lady watches him in silence, somewhat slightingly. Suddenly he turns and comes back again, full of force and decision]. I grant your request, madam. Your courage and resolution deserved to succeed. Take the letters for which you have fought so well; and remember henceforth that you found the vile vulgar Corsican adventurer as generous to the vanquished after the battle as he was resolute in the face of the enemy before it. [He offers her the packet].
LADY [without taking it, looking hard at him] What are you at now, I wonder? [He dashes the packet furiously to the floor]. Aha! Ive spoilt that attitude, I think. [She makes him a pretty mocking curtsey].
NAPOLEON [snatching it up again] Will you take the letters and be gone [advancing and thrusting them upon her] ?
LADY [escaping round the table] No: I dont want your letters.
NAPOLEON. Ten minutes ago, nothing else would satisfy you.
LADY [keeping the table carefully between them] Ten minutes ago you had not insulted me beyond all bearing.
NAPOLEON. I – [swallowing his spleen] I apologize.
LADY [coolly] Thanks. [With forced politeness he offers her the packet across the table. She retreats a step out of its reach and says] But dont you want to know whether the Austrians are at Mantua or Peschiera?
NAPOLEON. I have already told you that I can conquer my enemies without the aid of spies, madam.
LADY. And the letter? dont you want to read that?
NAPOLEON. You have said that it is not addressed to me. I am not in the habit of reading other people’s letters. [He again offers the packet].
LADY. In that case there can be no objection to your keeping it. All I wanted was to prevent your reading it. [Cheerfully] Good afternoon, General. [She turns coolly towards the inner door].
NAPOLEON [angrily flinging the packet on the couch] Heaven grant me patience! [He goes determinedly to the door, and places himself before it]. Have you any sense of personal danger? Or are you one of those women who like to be beaten black and blue?
LADY. Thank you, General: I have no doubt the sensation is very voluptuous; but I had rather not. I simply want to go home: thats all. I was wicked enough to steal your despatches; but you have got them back; and you have forgiven me, because [delicately reproducing his rhetorical cadence
] you are as generous to the vanquished after the battle as you are resolute in the face of the enemy before it. Wont you say goodbye to me? [She offers her hand sweetly].
NAPOLEON [repulsing the advance with a gesture of concentrated rage, and opening the door to call fiercely] Giuseppe! [Louder]Giuseppe! [He bangs the door to, and comes to the middle of the room. The lady goes a little way into the vineyard to avoid him].
GIUSEPPE [appearing at the door] Excellency?
NAPOLEON. Where is that fool?
GIUSEPPE. He has had a good dinner, according to your instructions, excellency, and is now doing me the honor to gamble with me to pass the time.
NAPOLEON. Send him here. Bring him here. Come with him. [Giuseppe, with unruffled readiness, hurries off. Napoleon turns curtly to the lady, saying] I must trouble you to remain some moments longer, madam. [He comes to the couch].
She comes from the vineyard along the opposite side of the room to the sideboard, and posts herself there, leaning against it, watching him. He takes the packet from the couch and deliberately buttons it carefully into his breast pocket, looking at her meanwhile with an expression which suggests that she will soon find out the meaning of his proceedings, and will not like it. Nothing more is said until the Lieutenant arrives followed by Giuseppe, who stands modestly in attendance at the table. The Lieutenant, without cap, sword or gloves, and much improved in temper and spirits by his meal, chooses the lady’s side of the room, and waits, much at his ease, for Napoleon to begin.
NAPOLEON. Lieutenant.
LIEUTENANT [encouragingly] General.
NAPOLEON. I cannot persuade this lady to give me much information; but there can be no doubt that the man who tricked you out of your charge was, as she admitted to you, her brother.
LIEUTENANT [triumphantly] What did I tell you, General! What did I tell you!
NAPOLEON. You must find that man. Your honor is at stake; and the fate of the campaign, the destiny of France, of Europe, of humanity, perhaps, may depend on the information those despatches contain.
LIEUTENANT. Yes, I suppose they really are rather serious [as if this hardly occurred to him before].
NAPOLEON [energetically] They are so serious, sir, that if you do not recover them, you will be degraded in the presence of your regiment.
LIEUTENANT. Whew! The regiment wont like that, I can tell you.
NAPOLEON. Personally I am sorry for you. I would willingly hush up the affair if it were possible. But I shall be called to account for not acting on the despatches. I shall have to prove to all the world that I never received them, no matter what the consequences may be to you. I am sorry; but you see that I cannot help myself.
LIEUTENANT [goodnaturedly] Oh, dont take it to heart, General: it’s really very good of you. Never mind what happens to me: I shall scrape through somehow; and we’ll beat the Austrians for you, despatches or no despatches. I hope you wont insist on my starting off on a wild goose chase after the fellow now. I havent a notion where to look for him.
GIUSEPPE [deferentially] You forget, Lieutenant: he has your horse.
LIEUTENANT [starting] I forgot that. [Resolutely] I’ll go after him, General: I’ll find that horse if it’s alive anywhere in Italy. And I shant forget the despatches: never fear. Giuseppe: go and saddle one of those mangy old post-horses of yours while I get my cap and sword and things. Quick march. Off with you [bustling him].
GIUSEPPE. Instantly, Lieutenant, instantly. [He disappears in the vineyard, where the light is now reddening with the sunset].
LIEUTENANT [looking about him on his way to the inner door] By the way, General, did I give you my sword or did I not? Oh, I remember now. [Fretfully] It’s all that nonsense about putting a man under arrest: one never knows where to find – [he talks himself out of the room].
LADY [still at the sideboard] What does all this mean, General?
NAPOLEON. He will not find your brother.
LADY. Of course not. Theres no such person.
NAPOLEON. The despatches will be irrecoverably lost.
LADY. Nonsense! They are inside your coat.
NAPOLEON. You will find it hard, I think, to prove that wild statement. [The lady starts. He adds, with clinching emphasis] Those papers are lost.
LADY [anxiously, advancing to the corner of the table] And that unfortunate young man’s career will be sacrificed?
NAPOLEON. His career! The fellow is not worth the gunpowder it would cost to have him shot. [He turns contemptuously and goes to the hearth, where he stands with his back to her].
LADY [wistfully] You are very hard. Men and women are nothing to you but things to be used, even if they are broken in the use.
NAPOLEON [turning on her] Which of us has broken this fellow? I or you? Who tricked him out of the despatches? Did you think of his career then?
LADY [conscience-stricken] Oh, I never thought of that. It was wicked of me; but I couldnt help it, could I? How else could I have got the papers? [Supplicating] General: you will save him from disgrace.
NAPOLEON [laughing sourly] Save him yourself, since you are so clever: it was you who ruined him. [With savage intensity] I hate a bad soldier.
He goes out determinedly through the vineyard. She follows him a few steps with an appealing gesture, but is interrupted by the return of the Lieutenant, gloved and capped, with his sword on, ready for the road. He is crossing to the outer door when she intercepts him.
LADY. Lieutenant.
LIEUTENANT [importantly] You mustnt delay me, you know. Duty, madam, duty.
LADY [imploringly] Oh, sir, what are you going to do to my poor brother?
LIEUTENANT. Are you very fond of him?
LADY. I should die if anything happened to him. You must spare him. [The Lieutenant shakes his head gloomily]. Yes, yes: you must: you shall: he is not fit to die. Listen to me. If I tell you where to find him – if I undertake to place him in your hands a prisoner, to be delivered up by you to General Bonaparte – will you promise me on your honor as an officer and a gentleman not to fight with him or treat him unkindly in any way?
LIEUTENANT. But suppose he attacks me. He has my pistols.
LADY. He is too great a coward.
LIEUTENANT. I dont feel so sure about that. He’s capable of anything.
LADY. If he attacks you, or resists you in any way, I release you from your promise.
LIEUTENANT. My promise! I didnt mean to promise. Look here: youre as bad as he is: youve taken an advantage of me through the better side of my nature. What about my horse?
LADY. It is part of the bargain that you are to have your horse and pistols back.
LIEUTENANT. Honor bright?
LADY. Honor bright. [She offers her hand].
LIEUTENANT [taking it and holding it] All right: I’ll be as gentle as a lamb with him. His sister’s a very pretty woman. [He attempts to kiss her].
LADY [slipping away from him] Oh, Lieutenant! You forget: your career is at stake – the destiny of Europe – of humanity.
LIEUTENANT. Oh, bother the destiny of humanity! [Making for her] Only a kiss.
LADY [retreating round the table] Not until you have regained your honor as an officer. Remember: you have not captured my brother yet.
LIEUTENANT [seductively] Youll tell me where he is, wont you?
LADY. I have only to send him a certain signal; and he will be here in quarter of an hour.
LIEUTENANT. He’s not far off, then.
LADY. No: quite close. Wait here for him: when he gets my message he will come here at once and surrender himself to you. You understand?
LIEUTENANT [intellectually overtaxed] Well, it’s a little complicated; but I daresay it will be all right.
LADY. And now, whilst youre waiting, dont you think you had better make terms with the General?
LIEUTENANT. Oh, look here: this is getting frightfully complicated. What terms?
LADY. Make him promise that if you catch my brother he will consider that you have cleared your character as a s
oldier. He will promise anything you ask on that condition.
LIEUTENANT. Thats not a bad idea. Thank you: I think I’ll try it.
LADY. Do. And mind, above all things, dont let him see how clever you are.
LIEUTENANT. I understand. He’d be jealous.
LADY. Dont tell him anything except that you are resolved to capture my brother or perish in the attempt. He wont believe you. Then you will produce my brother –
LIEUTENANT [interrupting as he masters the plot] And have the laugh at him! I say: what a jolly clever woman you are! [Shouting] Giuseppe!
LADY. Sh! Not a word to Giuseppe about me. [She puts her finger on her lips. He does the same. They look at one another warningly. Then, with a ravishing smile, she changes the gesture into wafting him a kiss, and runs out through the inner door. Electrified, he bursts into a volley of chuckles].
Giuseppe comes back by the outer door.
GIUSEPPE. The horse is ready, Lieutenant.
LIEUTENANT. I’m not going just yet. Go and find the General and tell him I want to speak to him.
GIUSEPPE [shaking his head] That will never do, Lieutenant.
LIEUTENANT. Why not?
GIUSEPPE. In this wicked world a general may send for a lieutenant; but a lieutenant must not send for a general.
LIEUTENANT. Oh, you think he wouldnt like it. Well, perhaps youre right: one has to be awfully particular about that sort of thing now we’re a republic.
Napoleon reappears, advancing from the vineyard, buttoning the breast of his coat, pale and full of gnawing thoughts.
GIUSEPPE [unconscious of Napoleon’s approach] Quite true, Lieutenant, quite true. You are all like innkeepers now in France: you have to be polite to everybody.
NAPOLEON [putting his hand on Giuseppe’s shoulder] And that destroys the whole value of politeness, eh?
LIEUTENANT. The very man I wanted! See here, General; suppose I catch that fellow for you!
NAPOLEON [with ironical gravity] You will not catch him, my friend.
LIEUTENANT. Aha! you think so; but youll see. Just wait. Only, if I do catch him and hand him over to you, will you cry quits? Will you drop all this about degrading me in the presence of my regiment? Not that I mind, you know; but still no regiment likes to have all the other regiments laughing at it.
Plays Pleasant Page 21