by C. A. Rene
He makes the decision for me when I hear his soft snores hit my ears again and I lean up to look into his face. He’s sound asleep with a small grin on his face and a hard dick that’s digging into my ribs. I push off him and grab his blanket, covering him once again.
“Don’t leave,” his face contorts with distress.
“I’m here.” I whisper as I lay down beside him.
“North?”
His voice shatters through my dream of running laps around the field and I open my eyes to see his face above mine.
“Hey,” I croak out and notice he looks clearer, his eyes once again focused.
“What are you doing here?” he sits up and looks under his blanket, realizing he’s naked. “I remember the shower,” he sounds confused but keeps looking back at me.
“That’s all you remember?” I ask as I sit up beside him.
“There are snippets of other shit but I can’t tell what’s real and what’s not.” I can see him staring at the side of my face and I could bet those snippets are us making out, “you just came inside my house?”
“Yeah,” I stand and turn to face him, “I was told you were at the hospital with another concussion. So, I came by here to check on you. I rang the doorbell but there was no answer and your door was open. You shouldn’t be alone with a concussion.”
He nods and looks up at me, uncertainty shining in his gaze, “thank you.”
“You’re feeling okay now?” I ask and look to his bedroom door, the need to escape becoming overwhelming.
“Yeah,” he clears his throat and rubs his hand over his nipple, the one I bit into. “I’m good now.”
“Alright,” I walk slowly to the door, “I’ll check in on you tomorrow after practice.”
“Nah,” he says and I look back at him once again, the confusion so clear on his face, and his hand still covering his nipple. “I’ll have Jameson and Ortiz.”
“Right,” this awkward situation is only growing worse by the second. “I’ll see myself out.”
He doesn’t say anything as I slip out of his bedroom and rush down the stairs, my mind a tangled web. I guess I will have to forget everything we did in that room and face that it died the second it was over. I open the front door and shut it behind me, then I jog across the street to my car. I slip inside and take a deep breath, trying to control the wild patter of my heart. He doesn’t remember anything we did. He doesn’t remember those heated kisses or how I almost had him in my mouth. That should be a blessing for me since I’m not sure what’s going on and what my actual feelings are, but it’s not.
It’s somehow making me feel like I’ve had my heart pulverised and then handed back to me, a pile of mush. I look back up to his second story, knowing his room faces the back, and wondering what he’s doing now. Is he trying to figure out if what we did was real? Does he hope it was? Do I want him to realize it was real? Am I gay?
I bury my face in my hands and try to imagine any attractive man, judging my feelings for them. As I flip through the images in my mind, I feel nothing, and then Sebastian is there. I feel fucking everything and it has me sucking back a sob, my emotions no longer in my control. I just made out with a man, I would’ve even gone further, and I can’t figure out if I’m gay or not. I don’t want any other man, I don’t find any of them attractive, and the one I do have feelings for, happens to be the one that took advantage of me.
I am completely fucked in my head. There’s no other explanation.
Chapter sixteen
Dixon
It’s been a week and he’s supposed to be back today. We have our next game tonight against the Giants and Coach said Sebastian would be here but not playing. I’ve stayed away from his house and I tried my hardest all week not to think too much about what happened. I’ve boiled it down to me being in the moment and he was not himself. I’m not gay and I don’t want to sleep with Sebastian Avando.
I blame my lack of close friends in life and I’m confusing worry for his well being with romantic notions. It’s a relief because now I don’t have to worry about telling my religious mother about my sexual orientation and I can rewire my brain to realize I just want to make sure Sebastian is okay. If it weren’t for my fumble, he’d be okay, and these feelings of guilt manifested into something I can’t explain. If he somehow remembers what we did, I will deny it until I’m blue in the damn face, and besides, who’s going to believe a concussed person over me?
Once practice is over and I have been watching those double doors for him, I’m relieved to have some time to myself before the game. The guys usually head to the weight room but I go to the sauna, I need to relax my legs before the game, and it gives me time alone to get into the right headspace.
We won our last game by a point and yes, it’s a win but I know we can do better. We need to be in top form for playoffs and that means I can’t make anymore stupid mistakes. That means I need to stop obsessing about him and start putting in the hours for training. I strip down, tossing my practice uniform in the bin, and head for the sauna. I turn the dial to the temperature I want and sit on the wooden bench, same spot as always. I rest my head against the wall and let the heat seep through me. Fuck, it feels so good.
As I relax, my mind begins to wander, and I end up back in that bedroom with Sebastian, my dick starts to harden with the memory. I want to fight it, think of anything else, and move the hell on, but I can’t. I know I have this place to myself, no one ever comes in here, and if I find myself no longer alone, it’s always Sebastian. I reach beneath my towel and stroke my hand along my length, groaning when I squeeze roughly at the tip. Lately, I’ve been worked up frequently and denying myself the release because I always had him on my mind. It was proof to myself that I wasn’t gay, that if I could ignore the arousal, and pretend it never happened, then I was fine.
I’m fine, I stroke back down to the base, picturing his mouth around me, and moan his name as I envision him bobbing there, sucking roughly at the tip. I’m fine, I convince myself as I imagine Sebastian gagging on my length, his throat tightening around me, and my cock jerking in response. He deserves to choke on my cock, to have his eyes burn with tears as I deprive him of air, and he deserves to swallow every drop of my cum. The detailed imagery in my head has me tipping over the edge and cumming in hot squirts all over my stomach. I stay where I am and absorb the sensations still flowing through me. I’m fine, none of this means I’m gay.
We’re playing amazing tonight, the third quarter comes to an end, and I nearly stumble over my feet when I see Sebastian sitting on the bench. I didn’t think he would show when I failed to see him for most of the game and now that he’s here, I’m not sure how to feel. I jog to the bench with a few minutes for break until the fourth and grab a Gatorade. We’re up by a touchdown and I have to make sure it stays that way.
“North,” his voice runs through me like the sweetest melody and I grit my teeth, “looking good tonight, keeping that ball tight.”
He’s taking a dig at me but unlike previous times, this one is a joke. I toss him a shrug and gulp down the Gatorade, my stomach is a mess of nerves with him so close. He comes to stand beside me and I can feel his gaze on the side of my face, so I turn to look at him.
“You’re quick,” he looks straight at me, “but you’re not the best. Remember that.”
“What are you fucking talking about?” I growl at him.
“Don’t go out there thinking you run this team, let them do the work too.” He shakes his head and backs up, “play as a team, Rookie.”
I slam the helmet back on my head and jog back out to the field. Zeal is already there with most of the first string and I listen as they discuss plays. I try to wipe my mind of Sebastian and his words, but I can’t help getting pissed off. I am a team player, I always have been, and when have I ever said I was the best?
“North,” Zeal grabs my shoulder, “you did awesome this game. How about Dex takes home this next one for us?”
I open my mouth
to argue, to assure him I can do it, and instead I hear Avando’s voice in my head telling me to play as a team.
“Yeah, man.” I nod, “that sounds good.”
It’s our power play and one we use when we really want to confuse our opponents. It’s not common to have your defensive tackle running for the end zone unless they’re tackling the opposition. We get into our formation and it’s the same one as Zeal would call to have me run to catch the ball or for Ortiz to catch the ball. The Giants line up across from us and the defense has their eyes on me and Ortiz, the two most likely runners to end up with the ball. The whistle blows and we take off, the defense crowding me, waiting for that throw. Only it doesn’t come.
Dex is halfway down the field and we watch as he catches the ball, both Ortiz and I getting in front of the defensemen running to catch him. It’s enough and we watch as Dex gets ahead and plows over that white line. All of us are screaming his name with pride.
We all jump on Dex, the crowd screaming behind us, and we crush the huge motherfucker into the ground. He really did it and maybe I should’ve believed he could from the beginning. No matter how much I despised Sebastian’s words, maybe he had a point, and I’ll have to watch myself. I don’t want to project to the team that I don’t believe in them or that I’m the only one who can run the ball into the end zone.
After team handshakes, we all head back into the locker room and I rush to the showers as the guys get a bit rowdy. I have never been one that stuck around to get drunk or party and right now my body is begging for relaxation. I turn the shower on hot, keeping my back to the wall, and begin to lather up. Just as I’m finishing, a few of the guys trickle in, and they begin chanting my name, making me laugh.
“You’ve been a really good addition for our team, North.” Dex claps me on the back.
“Thanks man, I’m glad to be here.”
I head out of the showers and find Sebastian sitting on the bench talking to Jameson and Ortiz. He doesn’t spare me a glance as I head to my locker.
“When are you back?” Ortiz asks him.
“Next week. We’re in Cincinnati.” He answers.
“Yeah, those pussies are easy to knock out.” Jameson answers and the words make my insides crawl.
Do they refer to everyone as pussies? Probably just the ones they hate or want to rape. My anger is fresh tonight and I don’t know why, maybe having Sebastian here is messing with my mindset. The farther away I get from him the better. I debate whether or not to use the sauna when the three of them stand and make their way to the doors to leave. Fucking perfect. I get inside and close the door, setting it to my usual temperature. I sit in my spot and rest my head on the wall, groaning when the heat settles into my muscles.
There was something different about Sebastian today, his demeanor was quieter, and he seemed calmer. It’s a relief he didn’t remember what transpired between us and now maybe we can push forward as teammates because I am done with the shit that’s been hanging over us.
“It’s amazing the dreams you have when your brain gets knocked around.” His voice startles me and I bang my head against the wall.
“The fuck?” I sit up and watch as his outline comes closer through the fog.
His face appears right in front of mine and I suck in a breath at the sight of his light brown eyes. They flicker between my mouth and my eyes, watching me closely for any reaction. I can’t help the pounding of my pulse nor the rising of my dick at his proximity and the heat in here is not helping. I watch as a bead of sweat escapes his brow and that's when I see he’s still fully dressed.
“What do you want Avando?” My voice sounds low and raspy, not at all authoritative.
He leans in, his mouth brushing along my jaw, and settles at my ear, “I’m not fucking sure.”
My cock pulses with my heartbeat and I bite into my lip to stop the moan, the copper taste of blood flooding my tongue. He presses his mouth to the column of my throat and sucks on my skin, sinking his teeth into my flesh. I can’t hold it in any longer and I groan long and deep. I feel his mouth turn up at my reaction and he releases my skin from his mouth, brushing back along my cheek.
He stares at me once again and grins, “funny dreams indeed.”
Then I watch him turn away and slowly disappear through the mist. Did I just imagine all that?
A few days later, Coach gathers us around for a meeting to discuss the upcoming gala on Saturday evening. He lectures us on not drinking too much since we have a game the next night and we have to travel to Cincinnati, so he wants us in top form. To be honest, I’ve completely forgotten about the gala and haven’t even seen Danielle to confirm our date. It feels weird taking her when I don’t know where my head is at with Sebastian.
Obviously, I can’t go with him, I know that, but still, it feels wrong. What if she thinks this is a real date? That afterward, she’ll expect us to continue dating and I don’t think I can commit to anything right now. She doesn’t deserve a confused man who can’t decide what the fuck he likes. I do know for sure that it isn’t her and I need to make sure she knows that. If she’s upset about it and decides not to come with me; I will understand and fly solo. No biggie.
I don’t even want to go near the sauna today, it seems to be where I get cornered the most by Sebastian, and I don’t know when it’ll happen, but an explosion is on the precipice. I feel like we’re hitting a point of no return and that’s going to fuck everything up, I must avoid him. As Coach drones on about the rules, I slip my head into my hands, and think of all the shit I’m going to need to buy. A new suit, some shoes, and I need a haircut. I press my fingers into my coarse hair, yep, I’m going to need a nice fade for the event.
“You good?”
I want to scream as I feel him sit beside me but instead, I give him a casual grunt, not bothering to even look at him. I’m so tired of him and the emotional rollercoaster we’re on, is this just a game to him? Does toying with me give him some type of twisted pleasure?
Coach finishes up his speech and I stand, grabbing my duffle bag.
“No sauna today?” His voice is mocking and I grind my teeth.
“Nah,” I take a breath and look down at him, “it’s not as satisfying as it used to be.”
He shocks me by throwing his head back and laughing, sounding genuine. I shake my head, fighting my own grin, and head to the doors. Standing there is Danielle and looking slightly uneasy.
“Hey,” she says and bites down onto her plump lower lip. That’s something I would usually find attractive but today, there’s nothing.
“Hey.”
“So… ah… what color dress should I wear?” She asks nervously.
“Pardon?” I raise my brow and she giggles at me. It’s a cute sound coming from her.
“I thought we could match for the gala? What color will your tie be?”
“Oh shit,” I scratch the back of my neck, “right, I haven’t bought the suit yet, I’ll do that tomorrow.”
“Oh, okay,” she nods and I realize how damn awkward this is. “What’s your favorite color?”
“Green.” I reply and she gives me a shy smile. She really is so cute.
“Okay,” her hand comes out and squeezes my forearm. “I can’t wait.”
I give her a smile, then I hurry away from her to exit the building. I don’t want to lead her on and I know me taking her to this gala is doing just that, but I won’t let it go any further.
Chapter seventeen
Sebastian
I am a little obsessed with making Dixon uncomfortable. I don’t know what happened exactly at my house because I can’t decipher what was real from what I dreamt. After his reaction to me in the sauna though, I have a feeling we did at least some of the shit I remember and he’s beat up about it.
As for me? I don’t know what the fuck I’m feeling, but I like it; and regardless, it’s not going to go anywhere. So, why not have some fun? I’m not gay but there’s something about him that I’m drawn to and I don’t
feel like exerting the energy to fight it. I wouldn’t mind getting him on his knees to suck my dick, those lips he has are perfect for wrapping around a dick, and fuck yeah, I want it to be mine.
I cut out my lines on the tabletop and look over at Ortiz as he screams Spanish into his phone. He’s been fighting non-stop with his girl lately and I find it comical. I’m glad I don’t have those issues. I snort my first line and groan as the dizzying effect takes hold. It’s been the only thing that’s helped with the side effects of my concussion. I also blame it for how I’ve been feeling towards Dixon. As soon as I’m healed, I’m sure it’ll go away, and then life will resume as normal.
“Fucking whore.” Ortiz yells as he hangs up the phone, “she saw pap photos of me leaving the strip club with Jameson.”
“Just tell her she’s lucky you didn’t fuck any of them,” I shrug and snort the next line.
“She’s Latina, man,” he moans and slumps on the couch, “she wouldn’t care and the next time she sees me, she's gonna rip my balls off.”
“Onto the next,” Jameson chuckles around a spliff. “The girl I’m bringing to the gala has a sister, you in?”
“Fuck yeah,” Ortiz perks up as he takes the spliff.
I’m interested to see how Dani and Dixon will be during the gala, I watched them today and their awkwardness actually cracked me up. He’s just not that into her and someone needs to let her know that, maybe it should be me. I know how he is when he’s into someone; the noises he makes when he wants something he’s been denying himself; and I wouldn’t mind telling her what’s up. My dick begins to swell with the thought of him sitting in that sauna and I slip my hand inside my pants, giving it a rough squeeze. I’ve been wanting to jack myself off to the thought of him and the shit I suspect went down in my bed, but I’ve been waiting. I want to cum all over his face instead.
I withdraw my hand and cut out my next line, patience is a motherfucking virtue.