“No, I’m okay,” I repeat, this time at normal volume. “Sorry about that.”
“You don’t have to apologize,” he answers with a smile. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Oh... sorry.”
He bursts out laughing, and I turn red and look down at the trees below us.
“I saw you fly past me on the last run,” says Owen after a long silence. “You’re really good.”
“Thanks,” I answer quietly. I’m starting to feel awkward at being in the spotlight again, even though it’s only the two of us.
“Do you come here a lot?”
“No,” I answer. “I haven’t gone snowboarding since I was a freshman, and only once then.”
“Jeez! That’s awesome!”
“You missed my face-plant while getting off the lift earlier today.”
“You missed me face-planting the entire way down the mountain,” he counters.
I can’t help but giggle at the image in my mind of him flopping head over heels the entire way down the slope, and he grins at me. I take a deep breath and rack my mind for a question for him. It shouldn’t be this hard.
“Where are you from?” I finally ask.
“Long Island.”
“Where, though? Everyone here is from Long Island or Jersey.”
I can’t help but feel proud of myself. I actually found a few words! That just doesn’t happen; my brain usually locks up when I have to talk to guys.
“Oh... um... Montauk,” he says awkwardly.
“Seriously? Wow.”
“Why? What’s so amazing about Montauk?”
“Well, other than the beaches, you just don’t meet people from that far out,” I answer. “Everyone I meet is from Queens or Nassau.”
“Yeah... I’m a bit out there,” he says, shrugging.
“A bit? You can’t go any further!”
“Well, where are you from?” he counters, clearly sick of me poking fun at Montauk.
“Promise you won’t judge?”
“Nope. No promises at all!” he answers with a wide, toothy grin. I can’t help but laugh.
“North Arlington, New Jersey. It’s like twenty minutes outside Newark.”
“Oof. Sorry.”
“Oh it’s not that bad,” I argue.
“Are you kidding me? Newark?”
He looks at me like I have three heads, and I cross my arms and shake my head.
“No, not Newark! Newark sucks. I meant North Arlington. It’s just your normal Jersey town.”
“So... impossible left turns, narrow streets, and the worst snow-plows north of the Mason-Dixon?”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
I can’t really argue with him on any of those points. They’re all true. Instead, I go on the offensive and push the focus back to Montauk and away from mocking my hometown.
“So, you live out at Montauk... are you big on beaches then?”
“Ehh... not really. I stay here during the summer,” he answers. “I... I like Ithaca better.”
I don’t know if I’m just used to looking for strange things in people, but my eyes suddenly dart down to his hands. He’s clenching his fists so tightly that he’s shaking.
I look back up at him again, and he immediately looks away from me. I’ve hit a nerve by talking about home.
“It’s pretty nice here in the summer,” I say, trying to soften the conversation.
“Yeah...”
His voice drifts off, and he stares off into the distance. I don’t know what to do now; I’m not used to being the one in control of a conversation, but somehow I am. I’m scared to ask him anything else.
Suddenly, the lift jolts forward and bounces the chair up and down as it starts moving again. I breathe a sigh of relief. Thank goodness. I’m proud of myself for carrying on a conversation, but I’m still nervous.
“So, what major are you?” I ask after working up the courage to speak again.
“I’m a grad student—master’s degree in applied mathematics—but it was the same degree for undergrad either way. You?”
“Biology.”
The conversation stalls again, and a moment later so does the chair lift. Great.
“Oh for Christ’s sake,” mutters Owen, and I can’t help but agree with his sentiment.
“Hey, can you see Tina and Craig? Are they stuck too?”
We both look ahead, but it’s hard to see past the chair in front of us. I start to laugh, and Owen looks at me in confusion.
“Tina used to date Craig back during freshman year,” I explain. “I think he’s trying to get with her again. God, that’d be so awkward if he’s hitting on her on the chair-lift!”
Owen bursts out laughing and nods in agreement. “I had no idea! Shit, I wish I could see that.”
The chair finally starts moving again, and this time it stays moving. I’m out of conversation ideas, though, and I look out at the white powdered trees below us in silence until Owen finally speaks up again.
“Do you know what you’re doing after graduation yet?” he asks, clearing his throat nervously.
I shake my head silently and look to him for his answer. After a long silence, he shakes his head too.
“Me neither,” he says. “I still haven’t found a job.”
“Yeah, no luck for me either,” I say. I suddenly don’t know what to do with my hands, and I cross them awkwardly on my lap.
“I’m surprised!” exclaims Owen. “With all the labs at the career fairs right now, I was certain you’d have something lined up by now.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Well, I... oh, nothing,” he finishes awkwardly, looking embarrassed.
“No. What did you mean?”
“Well, I’ve read one of your research publications. It was really well done.”
I raise an eyebrow at him and feel myself tense up. I love biology, but even I think research publications are boring. You don’t read them for fun.
“My grad advisor made me,” he explains, and I relax again. “He made me review some of the math in it, and I recognized your name because I’d just finished grading your test.”
I look away for a moment before speaking again. It made sense, I guess; the math department does review my calculations, and professors love to delegate their busy-work to grad students.
“Well... I’d love to get a job at one of the labs,” I say, my voice trembling. “It’s just... well, I get upset and nervous, and I blow every interview I go on.”
“Oh,” he says lamely, as if he doesn’t know what else to say.
“Hey, you ready? Almost there,” I say, directing the attention away from myself and instead to the rapidly approaching landing.
“As ready as I’m going to be. I fell the last time and the chair dragged me around until the guy stopped it,” he confesses embarrassedly, and I can’t help but laugh.
“It’s easy!” I gush, excited to have the upper hand for once in my life. “Look, you just position yourself like this.”
I turn sideways, scoot myself up to the edge of the chair, and push my hip out so that the front of the board is hanging free and ready to go forward.
“When you touch down, put your other foot on the board and let the chair push you forward.”
“Craig told me I should kick off with one foot,” he protests, and I can’t help but roll my eyes.
“Craig’s an idiot,” I say, and I giggle as I hear the words come out of my mouth. What’s gotten into me today? Whatever it is, I like it.
He stares at me for a second and then tries to emulate my stance as the chair lift reaches the landing area.
“Here we go,” he says, looking directly into my eyes. I feel a shiver run down my spine as I look back at him.
Something’s wrong, though... something about this is bothering me. Suddenly, I realize what it is.
“Owen, are you right-footed or left?”
“Left. Why?”
“You’re facing the wrong dire
ction!”
“Shit!”
He quickly slams his right foot down on the board and clips in before the board can twist out from underneath him, but he loses his balance as we glide out of the landing area.
His board catches the front of mine as he flaps his arms and tries desperately to keep his balance, and then he falls over directly on top of me.
I gasp first out of shock as I hit the ground and then again as I feel the cold snow going down the back of my coat. Suddenly, my mind snaps into gear and realizes that Owen is on top of me, propping himself up with his arms on either side of my head.
As he looks down at me, breathing heavily, something horrible triggers deep inside me. A wave of terrible panic washes over me, and I start to scream.
I’m not looking up at Owen anymore, and I’m not lying in the snow. I’m on the bed in my brother’s apartment, and Darren towers over me. His arms are on either side of me, pinning my hands tightly against the bed.
“Get off of me! Get the fuck off of me!” I shriek in panic.
My body instinctively lashes out at Owen, and I watch in horror as I punch him in the face as hard as I can.
Three minutes earlier...
Owen
I take it all back. I don’t want to kill Craig after all.
Sure, I told him never to try to set me up with anyone ever again and he did it anyway—and with poor Maria of all people—but you know what? He was right. Maria’s amazing, and I wish she wasn’t so scared of me.
I’m glad the chair lift is almost to the top of the mountain, though, because I’ve just gone and put my foot in my mouth as usual.
Maria looks away from me as if ashamed of herself, and I feel terrible. Why did I have to bring up jobs? Why the hell did I tell her I was reading her research papers? She hates being the focus of attention!
“Well... I’d love to get a job at one of the labs,” she says, her voice trembling. “It’s just... well, I get upset and nervous, and I blow every interview I go on.”
I have never wanted so badly to hug someone before. I want to tell her that everything will be just fine, but I know better than to try to comfort her.
“Hey, you ready? Almost there,” she calls out, pointing to the ski landing ahead.
Great. Time for me to make an ass of myself again.
“As ready as I’m going to be,” I answer, and I can feel myself sweating in embarrassment. “I fell the last time and the chair dragged me around until the guy stopped it.”
Maria giggles, and even as beautiful as her laughter is, it doesn’t make me feel any less embarrassed.
“It’s easy!” she says excitedly, and suddenly her eyes are alive again. “Look, you just position yourself like this.”
She turns to face me and sticks her hip out so that she’s teetering on the edge of the chair. She’s saying something about positioning the front of the snowboard, but the words fly right past me as her hips grab my complete attention.
I wrench my gaze away from the curve of her hips and look up again. She has no idea how incredibly seductive she is. No idea at all.
“When you touch down, put your other foot on the board and let the chair push you forward,” she continues explaining.
“Craig told me I should kick off with one foot,” I interrupt. He never said anything like that at all, but I feel like I’ve been quiet too long, and I don’t want her to think that I haven’t been listening.
She rolls her eyes at me.
“Craig’s an idiot,” she answers with a giggle.
“Thank you, Craig,” I think as I listen to Maria’s musical laughter. He and Tina know me better than I know myself.
I quickly push myself to the edge of the chair, let my board hang down in front of me, and look back up at Maria with a smile. Our eyes connect, and it’s like time stops around us.
I love to rag on bad romance novels as much as the next guy—I have preserve my masculinity somehow—but you know what? You really can get lost in someone’s eyes. As I look into Maria’s green eyes, I completely lose myself. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I can’t look away. God, she’s so beautiful.
Time suddenly catches up to us, and as Maria looks nervously back at me, I wonder how long I was staring at her.
“Here we go,” I whisper, not sure what else to say now.
“Owen...”
“Here it comes,” I think. I’ve just creeped her out, haven’t I?
“...are you right-footed or left?”
“Um... left,” I answer, confused. I totally didn’t expect that question at all! “Why?”
“You’re facing the wrong direction!”
I quickly glance down at my feet and realize that I’m about to hit the landing with the loose end of my board facing forward.
“Shit!”
I quickly slam my right foot down on the board and clip it in just in time. If I’d waited even a moment longer, the EMTs would be carting me down the mountain with a twisted knee.
I glide safely out of the landing area, but now I’m completely off balance and facing the wrong direction. I feel the board sliding out from underneath me as if in slow motion, and I can already tell it’s too late to stop myself from falling. I’m about to get a mouthful of snow whether I like it or not.
A second later, the snowboard swivels out from beneath me and catches the front of Maria’s board. I pitch forward and fall directly into her.
As I’m falling toward her in slow motion, watching her eyes grow wide as she realizes what’s about to happen, I wonder if the ski shop sells brown paper bags. I’d like to put one over my face right about now.
Maria gasps as she hits the snow with a soft thud, and I thankfully catch myself with my hands on either side of her head. There’s one embarrassing crisis averted, I think. At least I kept myself from squashing her.
I look down at her with a goofy grin, desperately hoping that I’ll think of a joke in time to save face, and my heart sinks into my stomach as I watch Maria suddenly... disappear. Her eyes suddenly go dark, as if she’s retreating in terror to somewhere inside herself and blocking me out.
She starts to tremble, and Samantha’s frightened face bursts to life in my mind again.
“I’m sorry Maria,” I stammer, trying to apologize for my clumsiness. This is not joke time. I’ve just done something horribly wrong.
Suddenly, she starts screaming. I’m so shocked by her response that I don’t even think to get off of her.
“Get off of me!” she screams. “Get the fuck off of me!”
That gets me moving, and I try to get off her. It’s hard to move with my feet still clipped into the board, though.
I look down at the board, and then back up at her just in time to see her fist connect with my face. I collapse next to her, seeing stars float in front of my closed eyes as she hits me again and again. I’m not even on top of her anymore, but she keeps screaming and flailing at me.
“Maria! It’s okay!” cries out Tina from somewhere above me, and the beating stops.
I sit up as watch helplessly as Tina walks her to a nearby bench and sits beside her. Maria starts to cry, and I wish I could as well. I never meant to hurt her.
I join Craig in standing around awkwardly and keeping my distance while Tina tried to bring Maria back. All I can do is wait quietly, listening to Tina’s soft, caring voice and the poor girl’s sobs.
“It’s just a trigger, Maria,” whispers Tina. “You’re just fine. Hang in there, honey.”
“Why did you make me come here?” sobs Maria, her breath coming in ragged, pathetic gasps as she tries to stop crying. “I can’t do this!”
“Yes you can! You know you can,” answers Tina. “I know you can.”
Tina looks back at me over her shoulder, and I get the glare again. I shrug helplessly back at her. What else can I do? I don’t even know what happened!
She hugs Maria again and whispers something in her ear that makes her laugh through the tears. The glare has soften
ed when she looks back at me again. She motions toward the slope with a jerk of her head, and I get the hint.
My fault or not, the damage is done and it’s time for me to get out of the way so she can fix my mess.
I gesture to Craig, and together, we head toward the slope.
“Sorry Owen,” he mumbles as we get back into our gear. “I had no idea she was a nutcase.”
“Call her that again and I’m gonna fucking deck you,” I hiss at him.
He stares at me as if I have three heads.
“Dude, she lost it,” he argues. “You saw that! She was going nuts on you! Total train wreck!”
“Craig... last warning,” I say in a low, serious voice. “Shut... up.”
“Alright, whatever you say!” he answers defensively, holding up his hands as if to wash himself of responsibility.
It takes me less than fifty feet to lose my balance and get a mouthful of snow, and Craig quickly leaves me in the dust. He’s long gone by the time I get back on my feet again, and I slowly, awkwardly make my way down the mountain. My body aches from all the falls before I even make it to the first curve.
As I fall for probably the millionth time, I hear Tina burst out laughing behind me. She holds up alongside me as I crawl back onto my knees, and a moment later, Maria circles around me and grinds to a stop.
“Hey, did Craig ditch you?” asks Tina.
“Yeah... he didn’t want to wait up for a lousy snowboarder like me.”
Maria’s gaze finds mine, and she looks worriedly at me as if waiting for my reaction to her outburst—as if I’d bring up something that painful to her.
“You want some company on the way down?” she asks, and my heart lifts. God, I’d love that.
“If you aren’t ashamed of being seen with a beginner like me, sure!”
As I try to stand up, I immediately lose my balance and fall back over. I could make a pretty good snowball out of how much snow just went down the back of my coat. How am I so bad at this?
Maria skates up next to me, plants her board, and holds out her hand to me. I look up at her questioningly, and she nods back to me.
“I’m okay now,” she whispers, leaning down closer to me and still offering me her hand. “Sorry about that.”
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