by Ruby Dixon
“Oh. Is this a bad time?” I say it in English because we still don’t know the alien language.
“It’s okay,” Megan says with a soft smile. “I was just having Maylak check me out and stuff. To see if, you know…all my parts are working correctly or if the Little Green Men damaged something.”
When they gave her the abortion? Oh. I hadn’t even considered it. I sit down at the end of the mat while Maylak gives me a shy smile and then continues her work, pressing her hands gently on Megan’s stomach. The baby – she has to be two, max – sees me and toddles over with a happy gurgle.
No translation, the translator says. It’s baby talk. I grin and hold my hands out for Esha, and she hops into my lap, fearless. Her small blue hand immediately goes to my brow and she rubs it, feeling the difference between her ridged brow and my own.
“I was picking herbs and thought I’d drop them off,” I say by way of explanation. “Has she been able to find anything wrong?”
Megan shrugs but doesn’t get up. “There’s a bit of a language barrier, but so far she hasn’t freaked out.”
“That’s good,” I say, then stifle a laugh when Esha peels back my lip and examines my square teeth. Her own are sharp little fangs.
“Esha,” Maylak calls out and gives a small shake of her head.
“It’s okay,” I say, and bounce the baby a little. “I don’t mind.” I like children. I know Liz complained that she wasn’t ready to be a mom, and Georgie said she never thought about children, but I do. I think about them all the time. Maybe because I can’t have any.
Maylak pats Megan’s stomach and the hard glow in her eyes softens a bit. “Finished,” Maylak says in her language, and the translator automatically pings in with the words.
“She’s done,” I offer to Megan, who is looking at me, waiting.
“Am I okay?” Megan asks Maylak, sitting up. She puts a hand to her stomach and then moves her hands in a cradling motion, indicating a baby. “Is everything working properly?”
The healer nods and spouts a stream of the fluid alien language, gesturing at Megan’s stomach and then looking at me. They all know I can translate. Your womb has been wounded recently, Maylak says. There was a baby there once, but no longer. Your khui is repairing the damage. It is almost done, and when it is, there should be no reason why you should not be able to carry a child like any other woman. Give it a turn of the Little Moon and see.
I translate for Megan and wince when Esha’s small, grabbing hands discover my translator and pull on it. I gently tug her little fingers free, feeling envious of the growing smile of relief on Megan’s face.
“I’m so glad to hear that.” She gestures at the healer, who is looking at me. “You want to get her to look at you? See if there’s a reason why you’re not resonating?”
I bite my lip and then shake my head. “I know why I’m not.”
“What is it?” Her eyes are wide.
I hesitate. I’m so frightened to tell someone but I also feel the need to share my burden. I want someone to understand why I’m so uneasy. “My appendix burst when I was thirteen. I nearly died, and I was in the hospital for a long time. It caused several of my organs to become infected, and when I was better, the doctors told me I’d be unable to have children.” I shrug. “I know I won’t resonate because I’m not fertile.”
The look of sympathy in her eyes hurts. She glances at Maylak, who is unable to understand our conversation. “Maybe she can look. Maybe…”
I shake my head and snuggle Esha, watching out for the little horns jutting from her baby head. They’re tucked flat against her skull for now, but they’ll grow larger and more protruding later. “It is what it is. I just worry they’ll boot me out once they find out the truth.”
“I won’t say anything,” Megan says fiercely. “You have my word.”
“Thank you.” I give her a soft smile.
She returns my smile and then her expression changes and grows weird. A giggle escapes her throat. “Um, you got something you want to tell us?”
I’m confused about what she’s referring to, and then Maylak chuckles as well. “Esha!”
I look down and the baby’s found my…courting gift and is examining it with great intensity.
“Oh my lord,” I murmur and take it from her, wrapping it with leather again. “Aehako gave this to me.”
“Uh huh,” Megan says, voice teasing.
“Blame Liz. She told him it was what human men do to court women.”
“Ooo, a romance blossoming?” She clasps her hands. “That’s so awesome.”
I shake my head. “It’s not going anywhere. I’m never going to resonate. How do I know he won’t resonate to you tomorrow? Or to Josie? Or Claire?”
Then I’ll be abandoned again. It’s the story of my life. Every time I meet a guy — a rare enough occasion as it is — and we start to connect, I feel obligated to point out that I can’t have children. And since I don’t put out, their interest dies. I’m not a long-term girlfriend. I’m a short, not-very-fun sort of fling until they meet the one they want to spend the rest of their lives with.
And it’s never, ever me.
This time, Megan’s sympathetic look of pity bothers me.
“It is what it is. Here,” I say, opening my pouch to turn the conversation. “I brought you herbs, Maylak.”
• • •
Things are quiet for several days. The humans keep themselves busy enough. Josie’s decided that she wants to learn how to cook, and Tiffany’s still working on trying to make dvisti wool into yarn of some kind. Megan is with Maylak tending to the herb plants around the caves, and Harlow is scraping skins. Claire hides with her alien boyfriend and watches the small children when the parents are busy.
Everyone’s staying busy, including me. There’s granulated salt from the ‘great salt lake’ a few days travel away, and it’s precious to everyone, so I’m trying to figure out how to salt or smoke meat to make it last longer. Food’s precious, though, so I take the unpleasant bits that people don’t like the taste of and experiment on those. Even that feels wasteful, though. One of the caches of frozen meat was buried under an avalanche and the tribe is worried that there won’t be enough food to feed everyone when it gets ‘really cold’ so we’re all in work mode. There’s extra mouths, pregnant women, and lots of clothing needed so there’s no time to be idle.
Aehako hasn’t been around lately. He’s been out hunting as well, and it’s weird, but I miss his flirting and his laughter. I tell myself that I shouldn’t, but everyone else seems to be blending in just fine with the group…except me.
I feel weirdly lonely. Maybe it’s because my closest friends all seem to have found love. I hate that I feel envy when I see Vektal feeding Georgie choice bits of meat, or the fact that Liz and Raahosh prefer to stay out in the field because it means a lot of alone time for them. I’m even envious of Ariana, because her mate Zolaya bends over backward to make her smile.
The only person I have is Aehako, and I chased him away.
The hunters have been afield all week long, and it makes the caves quiet. Nevertheless, when Aehako returns from a hunting trip with extra furs and a wink for me, it’s hard not to feel flushed with excitement. Especially when he insists on saving the furs for me to make a cloak for myself. He’s so thoughtful.
Of course, then I remember the dildo, complete right down to the veins, and get all embarrassed again.
That day, Liz and Raahosh stop by with a sled full of meat for the tribe and will stay overnight. They’ve come in at the same time as Cashol, one of the many single hunters in the sa-khui clan. I hug Liz, happy to see her. She’s utterly radiant, glowing with good health and love for her mate.
“How’s the hunting?” I ask, beaming at her. “That mate of yours keeping you fed?”
She laughs and steps to the side as Cashol slings a dead dvisti over his shoulder, bringing it into the caves for the tribe to eat. Someone directs him toward the bachelorette cave,
probably because Tiffany’s trying her darndest to make something with all the dvisti wool. Liz giggles and catches my attention again. “God, yes. When we’re not fucking like bunnies, we’re eating. So much food.” She pats her belly. “Raahosh is determined to make me expand early.”
The scarred-up alien leans in and gives his mate a kiss on top of her head. “I must go say a greeting to my chief.” He heads off in Vektal’s direction.
Liz watches him go with a possessive smile, and then she turns to me. “How are you? How’s life in the crowded caves?”
“Crowded,” I agree. “We’re all stepping over each other. They’re talking about starting a second cave again in a few years, once all the babies are here.”
“They are?”
I nod. “Apparently there was a second smaller one nearby back in the day, but after the sickness everyone moved in to just the one.”
“So why not open it up again?” Liz slings her arm around my waist as we head toward the bachelorette caves to sit for a bit.
“Because they’re not sure if we have enough supplies to feed two caves,” I tell her. It’s been a topic of much conversation lately. “The caves are a half a day’s walk during good weather, and impossible to get to during bad weather. They’re afraid someone might starve in the winter. For now we’re going to stick here and see what happens.”
I’m torn on the thought of another cave. It might be nice to have a bit of privacy…but I also worry that it will turn into a ‘send all the rejects over to this other place’ situation and I don’t want that to happen, either.
“I don’t mind the crowding,” I add after a moment. “I–
A high pitched squeal echoes in the cavern. Liz and I share a look and then we both race for the bachelorette cave, which is where the squeal came from.
When we get there, Megan’s got her arms wrapped around Cashol’s neck. He holds her against him, his face tucked against her, and her feet aren’t touching the ground. She giggles and squeals again, and then we hear it–the faint sound of purring in symphony.
“Oh shit,” Liz says, and gives a happy clap. “Did you two just resonate?”
“We did,” Megan says, and presses a kiss on a stunned Cashol’s face. “Are you okay?”
“My mate,” he says reverently, and then swings Megan around again. “My mate!”
She kisses his face over and over, and then gives him a smacking one on the mouth that confuses him.
By now, there’s a crowd forming at the entrance of the cave, but Megan and Cashol are oblivious. She’s staring happily into his eyes and he can’t stop touching her. We might as well not exist. The purring in the cave is loud enough to make my own silent chest feel over-quiet.
“This is a good day,” Vektal says behind us. “Our tribe continues to grow and thrive.”
“Yo,” Liz says as Cashol starts to undo the laces in his pants. Megan’s equally oblivious, now tonguing his mouth with an enthusiasm that’s a little obscene to watch. “I think we should give them some privacy.”
Georgie strides forward, pushing past all the onlookers, and she pulls the curtains over the entrance to the bachelorette cave shut. “Let’s leave them alone,” she says brightly. “Most of the hunters are back, and we’ve got good news. I’d say this calls for a celebration.”
A few happy cheers echo in the air, and chatter begins, drowning out the happy couple’s purring. I step away, feeling a little lost and lonely. I should be happy for Megan. I should. For some reason, I glance over at the edge of the cavern and see Aehako.
He’s watching me.
And my heart aches a little more because I can’t have him.
AEHAKO
There’s a fermented tea called sah-sah that Maylak’s husband Kashrem is an expert at making. It smells like the backside of a scythe-beak, but the taste is pleasantly warm on the tongue and it loosens inhibitions. The tribe is breaking out skin after skin of the sah-sah in celebration, and everyone is feasting, laughing, and happy. Old Kemli and her mate pull out their drums and flutes, and happy music fills the cavern, covering any noises that the now-resonating couple might make as they give in to their khui’s demands.
Kemli’s daughter Farli – still young enough to be nothing but a sapling – has out her paints and draws decorative symbols on the skin of anyone who will sit long enough to let her. I have a soft spot in my heart for Farli, so I’m one of the first to fall prey to her pretty begging, and when I’m done, she’s painted spirals on my horns and sweeping symbols across my face and chest. The elders smile at this – it was common for people to decorate their bodies in celebration of a mating back in their time, and they like to see the custom revived.
The humans are enthusiastic about the painting as well, and I watch as Joh-see gets blue shapes painted on her pale skin. Kira of the sad eyes sits nearby, watching. There’s a smile on her face but it doesn’t reach her eyes. It rarely does. Occasionally she glances over at me, and then just as quickly turns away.
Even amongst a celebration, she seems alone.
“Can I have this?” I ask Farli, reaching over for a pot of the reddish paints. She and Joh-see are giggling at the stripes she’s painting, and the red is unused.
“Of course,” Farli says in sa-khui. “Are you going to paint someone?”
I nod and gesture at Kira. “She looks as if she could use more celebrating.”
Joh-see grins. She doesn’t understand our words but she knows who I’m talking about. “Try to make her smile, please? She is bringing me down.”
“Bringing you down where?”
Joh-see just giggles again. “Never mind.”
Strange humans. I take the paint and a skin of sah-sah, and before I head over to Kira’s side, I lean in to Joh-see once more. “Do you know what a kiss is?”
She gives me a flirty wink. “You hitting on me, big guy?”
I chuckle. “You are too much of a handful for me.”
She giggles, and it’s clear she’s been hitting the sah-sah for some time. She hands another color to Farli, and then rolls up one of her fur sleeves. “Do my arms!”
I wait as Farli gestures and then begins to paint colorful circles on Joh-see’s skin.
“A kiss,” Joh-see says, musing. “I think Georgie and Vektal referred to them as mouth matings.”
Ah. I have seen this for myself. Vektal plants his mouth on his mate when he thinks others are not looking, and they lock together. It even seems like he sticks his tongue in her mouth, which is interesting. I have tongued a cunt before but never a mouth, and I’m eager to try it.
I look over to Kira. She’s moved away from the boisterous tribe, hiding in a corner to stay out of the way of the dancers that are beginning to move to the beat of the drums. Another kit on the way and another happy resonance is always a cause for celebration. It doesn’t matter that there’s no place for the new couple to make their home. There is always room for one more, even if we have to sleep piled atop one another.
I would not mind sleeping atop Kira.
Asha saunters in front of me as I walk through the busy cavern. “Is that for me?” she asks when she sees the sah-sah skin in my hand.
“No.” I stalk past her and ignore the irritated sound she makes. I head straight for Kira, who has hidden herself into a corner. She sits on a stuffed pillow, and there is an empty one next to her. Good.
The human gives me a frustrated look when I drop onto the pillow next to her. “I don’t want company.”
“You never do, Sad Eyes.” I offer her the skin of tea. “Lucky for you, I am not easily dissuaded.”
Kira sniffs the drink and wrinkles her funny, tiny human nose. “What is this?”
“It is…” I cast about for the right word. “Burns in the belly and makes you feel good? Yes?”
“Alcoholic,” she corrects. She sniffs it again and offers it to me. “You first.”
I take a healthy swig from the skin and grimace at the sharp taste, but the warmth floods through me a mom
ent later. “Strong.”
She takes the skin back from me and sips it. I watch her small lips curve where mine were just a moment ago and lust shoots through me. Kira is a difficult one to chase, but I am determined.
She grimaces at the taste, but takes a second swig. “It’s awful.”
“Drink more. It will start to taste better.”
She takes another healthy mouthful and then coughs, wiping at her mouth. “I think you’re lying.”
“Perhaps a slight exaggeration,” I say, and when she tries to offer it back to me, I decline. “Keep it. You need a bit of alcoholing.”
“Inebriating,” she corrects.
“Your language is confusing,” I tell her, and dab my finger into the small red paint pot. “Your words are nonsense much of the time.”
“You’re not wrong. We should probably learn your language. Go back to the mothership and get the brain dump Georgie mentioned.”
By ‘mothership’ I assume she means the elders’ cave, which the humans swear is another ship that our ancestors landed from. They might not be wrong, but it’s still odd for me to think of it as a ship. As she drinks again, her gaze strays to the group of dancers in the center of the cave. A few of the newly mated human women are with their men, dancing around the heated pool and having a wonderful time. Nearby, others lounge. My friend Zolaya is being fed tidbits by his doting mate.
“They all look so happy,” Kira says in a soft voice. “I should be glad for them, shouldn’t I?”
The fermented tea must be working quickly on her; she’s actually speaking to me of her own accord. I look over at the others. “Should they not be happy?”
“No, they should.” She looks over at me with those sad, sad eyes again. “It’s me that’s the problem.”
I drag my paint-tipped finger down her small nose, creating a stripe. “Because you are not happy that they are happy?”