My arm didn’t stay stiff, nothing on me did. I writhed on the bed like a bag of snakes, muscles and tendons moving in ways that should have ripped me apart. My skin should have split, and I almost wanted it to; I wanted the wolf to get out of me. To just stop hurting me. I’d thought the wolf was me; now I thought it was trying to kill me.
The smell of wolf was everywhere, thick and nose-wrinkling, sweet musk. My body lay still on the bed while tears leaked down my face, and I whimpered, not wolf sounds, but small, hurt, human ones. I thought I’d hurt before, but I’d been wrong. If you could force someone to feel this forever, they’d tell you anything, do anything, to make it stop.
I was lying between Graham and Clay. Their naked bodies were pressed as close as they could get, without putting any of their weight on top of me, as if they knew that that would hurt. They cradled me gently between them, their hands on my head, and on my good shoulder. They touched me as if I’d break, and it felt like they were right.
Graham’s eyes had bled back to brown. The look on his face was worried. What had they seen that I hadn’t? What was happening to me? Clay leaned over, pressed his lips against my cheek, and kissed me, gently. He whispered, “Change, Anita, just let it happen. It won’t hurt like this, if you just let it happen.”
He raised his face up, and I saw that he was crying.
I heard the soft click as the door opened. I wanted to turn and look, but it had hurt the last time I did it. It didn’t seem worth it. Besides, Graham’s chest was blocking my view in that direction.
“How dare you order me into your presence?” Richard’s voice, already angry.
“I tried to make it a request,” Jean-Claude said, “but you did not respond.”
“So you order me, like I’m your dog?”
“Ma petite needs your aid,” and Jean-Claude’s voice held that first hint of anger, as if he was as tired of Richard’s moods as I was.
“From what I can see,” Richard said, “it looks like Anita has plenty of help.”
Clay sat up enough to show a tear-stained face. “Help her, Ulfric. We are not strong enough.”
“If you want tips for satisfying her in bed, ask Micah; I’m really not that into sharing.”
“Are you Ulfric to her lupa, or not?” Micah came to stand at the foot of the bed, still nude, just like we’d woken up.
“That’s wolf business, kitty-cat, not yours.”
“Stop it,” Clay yelled, “stop being an asshole, Richard, and be our leader. Anita is hurt.”
Richard finally came to the edge of the bed to peer over Graham’s reclining body. His hair was sleep tousled, a thick brown-gold mass around his arrogantly handsome face. The arrogance slipped, and the guilt I’d begun to dread almost as much replaced it.
“Anita…” He made a painful sound of my name, so much pain in that one word. He crawled onto the bed, and showed that he was still wearing shorts. He’d either taken the time to dress, or slept clothed, very unlycanthrope. The other men made room for him, but they didn’t leave the bed. He started to crawl over me, but the first touch tore small pain noises from me. He went up on his hands and knees above me, keeping his weight off me, but my wolf was too close to the surface. Richard putting himself above us like that meant he thought he was superior to us and my wolf didn’t think he’d earned that. Neither did I.
I felt the wolf crouch to spring. Felt it gather itself as if it could spring from my body to Richard’s. I had a moment to realize that it could do just that. I’d felt Richard’s beast and one of mine fight once. It had hurt. I was already hurt. I did not want to do this.
“Move, Richard.” My voice was an abused whisper.
“It’s all right, Anita, I’m here.”
I put my good arm against his chest and pushed. “Move, now.”
“You’re in a dominant position over her,” Graham said, “I don’t think she likes it.”
Richard looked at him, while his body stayed over mine. “She’s not a wolf, Graham, she doesn’t think like that.”
A low growl trickled out of my throat. I didn’t mean for it to.
Richard turned his head slowly, the way you do in horror movies when you finally look behind you. He stared down at me, his hair like a thick frame around the soft astonishment of his eyes. “Anita…,” he said, but my name was a question this time, as if he wasn’t sure.
That soft, deep roll of growl vibrated across my lips again. I whispered in a voice deeper than any I’d ever had, “Move.”
“Please, Ulfric,” Clay said, “please move.”
Richard went back on his knees, still straddling me, but in a postion that a wolf couldn’t exactly duplicate. It should have been enough, but my wolf had found another way out, a hole that it could climb through. Always before when I’d shared my beast with other lycanthropes I’d only felt fur and bone, as if some great beast were walking around inside me, but this time I saw it. I saw the wolf as I’d seen it in the dream. It wasn’t truly white, but the color of cream, with dark markings like a saddle across its back and head. That dark cape was every shade of gray and black intermingled, and even the white and cream wasn’t truly white or cream, but mixed like milk and buttermilk. I stroked my hand across that fur, and it was…real.
I jerked so hard it hurt, made me cry out, but I could still feel the memory of fur under my good hand, as if I’d touched something solid.
“She smells real,” Graham said.
Richard had gone very still where he knelt over me. “Yes,” he said in a faraway voice, “she does.”
“Bring her wolf,” Clay said, voice soft. “Make her change, so she’ll stop hurting herself.”
“She’ll lose the baby,” Richard said, but he was staring down at me with a look on his face that I couldn’t read, or maybe didn’t want to.
“She’s going to lose the baby anyway,” Claudia said.
He looked down at me, and his eyes were lost. “I can see the wolf inside you, Anita, just behind my eyes, I can see it. We can smell it. What do you want me to do? Do you want me to bring your beast?” His voice sounded empty, as if he were already in mourning. He didn’t want to do it; that much was clear. But for once, we agreed.
“No,” I said, “don’t.”
He didn’t slump, but a tension went out of him. “You heard her. I won’t do it against her will.”
“Say that after you’ve seen the convulsions. I’ve never seen anyone fight like this, not for this long,” Claudia said. “Once someone’s this far along, they shouldn’t be able to fight the change. Even her eyes are still human.”
Richard gazed down at me, face solemn. “That’s our girl,” but he didn’t sound happy when he said it. He let down his shields, not all the way, but as if he blinked metaphysically. I got a glimpse at his emotions, his thoughts, just a glimpse. If I shifted for real, he wouldn’t want me. He valued my humanity, because he felt like he had none. If I shifted, I would cease to be Anita to him. He still didn’t understand that being a werewolf didn’t stop you being a human being.
But underneath those thoughts were others, though thoughts might be the wrong word. His beast was in there, his wolf, and it wanted me to change. It wanted me to be wolf, because then I would belong to it. Can’t be lupa and Nimir-Ra if you’re actually wolf for real.
The thought made me look across the bed, until I found Micah. I saw it in his eyes, the loss, as if he were already certain of it. No way. I would not lose him, not now. I turned to look around the room for my other leopard. Turned too fast, hurt the muscles in my left shoulder, muscles I’d torn. Nathaniel came to the side of the bed as if he understood that I was looking for him.
There were tears drying on his face, as if he’d cried, and hadn’t bothered to wipe them away. You could date outside your species, I knew that, but I remembered Richard saying once that dominants don’t. If you were high enough up in the power hierarchy, you didn’t date outside the pack. I was lupa; there was no higher-ranking female than me. I was Bolver
k, which would have made me like an officer anyway. Either way you cut it, if the wolf I could touch came out for real, then I’d lose more than a surprise pregnancy.
I knew I had at least one more beast inside me. I held leopard, the way I held wolf. If I was finally going to go all the way furry, could I choose what kind of furry? Looking into Nathaniel’s face, watching Micah look away so I wouldn’t read his face, I knew I had to try.
I gazed up at Richard. I said it out loud: “You don’t want me to change, that’s why you won’t help.”
“You don’t want to be one of us, not for real.” His face was sliding back to that arrogant, angry mask.
“You’re right.”
His anger showed, almost a pleased anger, as if that one statement proved that I was no better than he was, no more comfortable in furry skin.
I looked at Micah and Nathaniel. Micah had moved so that he could hug Nathaniel. “Micah, Nathaniel, help me call leopard.”
Micah looked startled. “It’s not a choice, Anita. I can smell what you are.”
I started to shake my head, but whatever I’d done to my left shoulder made it hurt too much. “I hold four different strains. Why can’t I pick which way I go?”
Graham and Clay looked at Richard, as if wondering what he’d say. “I think you’re out of choices,” he said, “but if you want to try, I won’t stop you.” He was hurt, and his trying to hide it made it more painful to see. If I changed, he’d look elsewhere. I didn’t think he’d find someone willing to share him with what amounted to a permanent mistress, furry or not, but hey, it wasn’t my life. It was his life.
I could see the wolf in my head, like a waking dream, all subtle cream and white and black and gray. It looked at me with eyes that were an amber so dark they were almost brown. It was like looking into a piece of your soul and having it look back.
Richard slid off the bed. The wolf didn’t panic; it stood there in me, patient, waiting. Graham started to follow, sliding off. The wolf paced closer to the surface again, agitated. I grabbed his arm. “Stay.” He froze under my touch, half kneeling beside the bed.
Clay looked from me to Richard. “Stay until she says go,” Richard said, in a voice that managed to be closed, empty, and angry all at the same time.
“Micah, Nathaniel, help me raise our beast.” They didn’t argue or hesitate; they simply crawled up on the bed. They crawled toward me in that graceful way that the lycanthropes had, as if they had muscles that we mere mortals didn’t have, as if they could have balanced a cup on their backs.
Hurt as I was, watching them crawl toward me nude quickened my breathing, sped my pulse. It made the wolf start to pace in tight, agitated circles. I didn’t have a hand to touch Clay. “Clay, touch me.” He closed the small distance he’d made for Richard to straddle me. He pressed his body against the line of mine, but was careful not to touch my left shoulder. He was a quick study, and he seldom argued. It was sort of refreshing.
Micah touched my legs, but Nathaniel crawled around Clay, so he could be by my head. Micah asked, “What do you need us to do?”
I’d never tried to call one animal instead of another. We’d only learned about a month ago that I held three different kinds of lycanthropy. Wolf and leopard hadn’t been all that unexpected, but lion, that had caught me off guard. Such a delicate injury, so little blood, but sometimes a nick is enough with blood-borne diseases.
“I don’t know, yet.” I knew how to call someone else’s beast, if it matched mine. Richard had taught me the theory of that. I thought of leopard. I simply thought of it, and I felt it stir inside me. It was always the oddest sensation, as if there were some deep cave inside me, and the beast lived there until called. Now it uncurled itself, stretched, and began to rise. My body was like a dark liquid that the beast rose inside of; that was all pretty typical of being a lycanthrope. The problem was that my body lacked the switch to actually shift, and once the beast got to the surface of my body, there was no place to go. Or there hadn’t been, up until now.
But somewhere during the rising liquid feel of fur curving against places that nothing should have touched, I realized that there were two shapes rising for the surface. I’d tried to call leopard, but I was about to get double for my money.
The wolf bristled, his ruff standing up, his body stiffening. I felt his fear. He knew he was about to be outnumbered, and inside my body there was no pack to call. The wolf stood his ground, making himself look as large and fierce as he could, then the cats hit the surface of my body, and the wolf fled. I could feel him running, running back the way he had come. Like he was heading home. It was the first time I realized that my body wasn’t just a prison, but also a den, a place of safety.
The cats hit the surface together, and the force of it bowed my spine, threw my body upward, as if some great force had hit me from behind. I fell back to the bed, screaming with the pain of my abused body taking yet another hit tonight. I needed this to stop. We needed it to stop.
I saw the cats. The leopard looked small beside the lion. Small, sleek, and gleaming black. It had backed away from the larger cat. I didn’t blame it. The lioness was huge, a great, tawny beast of a cat. Maybe it would have looked smaller if I hadn’t been looking at wolf, and now leopard. The lion was staring at the leopard in a way that was patient, waiting for the leopard to decide what to do next. The lion had the confidence of several hundred pounds of extra muscle on its side.
I let go of Graham and used my good hand to reach for Nathaniel. He bent over my face so that when I touched him, his face was nearly above mine. I buried my face against the sweet warmth of his neck. He always smelled like vanilla to me, but underneath that was the scent of leopard. Sharper than the musk of wolf, less sweet, more exotic for lack of a better word. The leopard stopped being defensive, and looked up with eyes that were soft and gray, with just a hint of green in them. I didn’t call Here kitty-kitty, but I called it all the same.
The leopard rose up through me, and hit the surface of my body. It filled me like a hand sliding inside a glove, so that I felt it stretch out and out, filling me. I waited for that fullness to finally split my skin and step out, but nothing happened. I could feel fur rubbing against my skin on the wrong side; I could feel it in there. I gazed down my body, and watched things roll under the skin of my stomach like the cat was rubbing against me. The sensation left me nauseous, but that was all. It wasn’t as violent as the wolf had been, but I still wasn’t shifting.
Graham and Clay slid off the bed so that Micah could move up beside me. “It’s there, but it’s not coming out—why?”
Nathaniel slid down so that the two men framed my body with their own. “I don’t know,” Micah said.
“Give your beast to me,” Nathaniel said.
I looked up at him, and thought at the furred thing inside me. It was patient because I wasn’t afraid of it. I’d embraced it, welcomed it. Now it slid inside me, waiting for release. A release that I couldn’t give it.
“I’ve taken your beast once before,” he said.
“I remember.” I turned my head, just enough to see Micah’s face. I looked a question at him.
“Give your leopard to him, Anita.”
Nathaniel pressed his body closer to my side, so I could feel him pressed soft against my hip. He leaned over me, propping himself across my body with one arm, so he laid no weight on my upper body. He leaned in for a kiss, and I felt the leopard roll toward him like something half liquid and half solid fur. His mouth found mine, and we kissed. The last time I’d given him my beast had been almost as violent as tonight, but I’d been fighting; now I simply gave it to him, and Nathaniel didn’t fight. He kissed me hard and deep, as if he were trying to taste that furred shape, and the next moment that shape spilled up through my mouth. I felt it as never before, as if truly it slipped up and out through my mouth. I had a moment of choking, and then it was in him. My leopard smashed into his body, smashed into his beast. The force of it pushed his body off the bed, lik
e a blow, but he fought to keep on kissing me. Fought to kiss me as thick, heavy liquid ran over my body from his. So warm, hot, as if he were bleeding to death. I opened my eyes enough to see that the liquid was clear, but had to close my eyes to keep it from getting in them. His hands were on my face, trapping us in the kiss. But I wanted the kiss, I wanted this. I wanted, needed the release, and my body couldn’t give it.
I wrapped my good arm across his back so I could feel his skin split, and the fur flow out like solid water, hot velvet under my hand. His mouth reformed against mine, so that the kiss had to change, because the mouth he had now couldn’t kiss like his human body. Not enough lip. I licked my tongue along teeth sharp enough to eat me for real. He drew back, and I was left to wipe the heavy liquid off my face, so I could see him. The face was leopard, and human, a strangely graceful mix. Leopardman worked better than wolfman, maybe because the cat had a shorter muzzle naturally.
I raised both my arms toward him, and realized that the left arm was working now. I hadn’t shifted, but something about giving him my beast had given me some of the benefits of healing that shifting would have done. Interesting.
I hugged him, and found his fur dry, though my body was covered in the clear goo that shifters “bled” when they changed. I never understood how their fur came through dry, but it always did.
I ran my hands over the unbelievable softness of his fur, felt the muscled strength of him, and felt that his body wasn’t at all unhappy to be pressed against mine. We’d made love once before when he was in this form, and at that moment it didn’t sound like an entirely bad idea, but there was someone else inside me, waiting.
The lion roared where it was still standing, patient. It let me know that it—she—was still there.
“Shit,” I whispered.
Nathaniel snuffled next to my face. “Lion.”
Micah rolled off the bed. “We need a werelion, fast, before it decides to try to tear its way out.”
Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter collection 11-15 Page 171