by BK Harrell
“I don’t know, momma. I was a young, immature adult. I always thought I wasn’t good enough for him to begin with. So, I ran and hid. If I had known I was pregnant, I would’ve gone after him, but by the time I knew, he was in the College World Series playing like shit, which was definitely all on me, and then he was drafted, signed and on his way to the Rome to play ball. I didn’t want him to feel burdened as his life was starting, and if what she said to me was true, then he already had a child on the way.”
“Have you ever considered that she lied to you to get to him? I mean in all your cyber-stalking, did you find a mention of a child? He doesn’t seem like the type to not show off his child and wife or girlfriend. As a matter of fact, have you ever seen him with the same girl more than once? Not to mention, he has avoided brunettes like the plague. Anything else, blonde, redhead, raven haired, hell even the girl with the pink and green hair, but never a brunette. What does that tell you?”
“I…I don’t know. That he avoided anything that reminded him of me?”
“Bingo. See, I knew you were the smart one in the family.”
Sarah reached out and hugged her mom. “Thanks. I have a lot to think about and unfortunately, I think I will need something a little stronger than this tea.” Sarah said as she grabbed the vodka and grapefruit juice. “Oh, by the way, Harry wants chicken and dumplings for dinner.”
“No problem. I’ll let you know when we are ready to eat.”
Sarah took her drink out to the back porch, admiring the fall garden her mother had planted. The mums, asters, and heleniums were in full bloom. The colors were vibrant and helped her relax. As Sarah sat there, she thought about what her mom had said, and if she was right, then she had made the biggest mistake of her life. The last ten years of anger and hate that had drained her and defined her were for naught. Sarah thought about it and decided it wasn’t hate. She silently cried as she thought about what she had lost. She most likely gave up a loving husband, father for Harry, and maybe more children. Sure, she had Harry, her mom, and a great job, but she wanted more and the only person she wanted that with was Harrison.
Her mom walked out and handed her a box of tissue. “Figured you could use these. I saw your shoulders shaking and saw the tears falling.”
“Thanks, momma. What if I made the biggest mistake of my life? What if I was wrong?”
“Oh, baby. You can’t think that way. That boy out there loves you and depends on you. You have to stay strong for him. If you decide to move forward, then you have to accept that it will be a long road. There will be nasty words hurled your way. His family will hate you for a time, but when they meet Harry they will fall in love with him. Your private life will be the stuff for page six. Be ready to face the haters out there and stay strong.” Anne said as she put her arms around Sarah and pulled her close.
“Sarah continued to cry on her mother’s shoulder. Over the years she had been so thankful for the undying support her mother had given her, but she feared she would need to lean on her more now than she ever had before. She could see the turbulent seas coming and she was afraid that she was going to need a big life raft. Just as Sarah was about to get up, her phone rang; seeing that it was Marcie she dried her tears and tried to compose herself the best she could.
“Hey, Marcie. What can I do for you?”
“Don’t you what can you do for me, Sarah Buckley. I just heard, and trust me that Cole isn’t enjoying life right now, and when I get to Lincoln’s house he isn’t going to like it either. How dare they hold you hostage to complete a deal. I swear I’ll make this right for you, but in the meantime, I’m five minutes from your house, so dry your tears, put your flip flops on, and meet me out front. We’re going to get mani-pedis and gripe about men.”
Sarah smiled at the blonde goddess who had become her friend. Marcie didn’t take crap from anyone and gave unconditionally to those she accepted into her inner circle. “I don’t know if I can. Don’t laugh, but I still have to help mom fix dinner and…” Sarah looked over to see her mom frantically shaking her head before mouthing ‘don’t worry you go and I’ll take Harry out to eat.’ Sarah nodded to her mom and finished saying, “Never mind, problem solved. I’ll see you in a few minutes. Sarah hurried inside, changed her shoes and gave Harry a quick hug and a kiss before Marcie pulled up. Just as she was about to get in the car, she heard Harry yell out.
“Hey, mom. Can I be called Coop?”
“We’ll talk about it later.” Was all that Sarah could manage. Sarah just wasn’t sure she could call him Harrison’s nickname. He already looked so much like him, she wanted to keep some part of him separate.
Marcie pulled away from the curb giving Sarah a chance to buckle her seat belt and collect her thoughts. She was not going to stay silent for long. “Okay, so I know the basics, but I need to know why. What is so important that he meet with you? Even to the point of jeopardizing a two-hundred-twenty-five-million-dollar deal.”
Sarah gave her the whole story, and braced for the rebuke that she was sure was coming. Mercifully, Marcie remained quiet as she drove them down the road. Unfortunately, her luck ran out just as they pulled into the parking lot.
“Holy Shit. I mean…fuck it you know what I mean. Umm I really don’t know what to say. So, he doesn’t know he has a child, and you haven’t told him because you thought he had a child with someone else. Now, he wants to talk and you want to run away. Screw the mani-pedis we’ve got to go see someone.”
Sarah watched as Marcie made a U-turn and headed up GA-400. Once they reached Lake Lanier, Sarah knew exactly where they were heading and honestly, if anyone could help her, it would be Nicole. Sarah knew Nicole had dealt with her own demons. While not the same situation, she had been the victim of a date rape and then got pregnant from it before giving her child up for adoption, only to be faced with instant motherhood fourteen years later. Then after finding that she was pregnant with Lincoln’s child, her self-doubt drove her to run away before Lincoln found her and brought her back and married her.
Apparently, Marcie had called Nicole while they were driving and she was spacing out thinking about her situation because she was on the front porch waiting for them when they pulled up. As soon as Sarah was out of the car, Nicole was down the steps and engulfing her in a hug.
“I swear to God, I’m going to castrate him for putting you in this position. That man has no common sense, and he just used up all of the goodwill he’s built up with diaper changes.”
Sarah had to smile at Nicole’s candid nature. They had become friends after she joined the practice as a staff physician, and she was somewhat familiar with her story. Sarah had no doubt that Lincoln would be paying for his transgressions, but she didn’t want to put him in harm’s way. “Don’t fret about it, Nicole, he gave me the choice, and I really think it’s time we have a sit down to clear the air, but I’m really afraid about what to do.”
“Well, let’s not stand out here all night, I made coffee, even though it’s decaf I can make you two some regular or you can torture me and drink wine while I sulk.”
Sarah followed Nicole inside, and if she wasn’t terrified of laughing at her boss, she would’ve been bent over double as she watched Lincoln’s eyes widen with fear and almost run into the wall as he ran out of the room. Sarah didn’t blame Lincoln for her predicament. She almost wanted to thank him for providing the conduit for which they could have a sit down. She looked around the house and noticed the normally neat house where everything was in its place was completely disheveled since the new baby had arrived. She looked over the living room as they walked in and saw a beautiful baby Landon sleeping in the bassinet sitting beside the couch.
Nicole led them into the living room and sat beside the bassinet keeping an eye on Landon. “Don’t worry about him, he just ate and will sleep through just about anything, and if he doesn’t, then Lincoln can take care of him. So, tell me what’s going on?”
Sarah filled Nicole in on the rest of the drama including
Harry’s father and why she did what she did. She felt emotionally drained after going through all the details but a little more cleansed at the level of her soul. She was able to admit her deepest fears to someone else. She watched as Nicole silently took in her words letting her get everything out.
“So, let me see if I can condense this down. You’re scared that Harrison will want to take Harry away from you, and since he is basically your entire life, you can’t lose him. Also, you still love this man, and you think you made a huge mistake and never let him explain. Did I hit the high points?”
“Yep, on the head. I can’t lose Harry, and I’ve never stopped loving him.”
“Well, I think you need to do a few things. First, does Harry know about his dad?” Nicole watched as Sarah shook her head. “I think you need to spend some time preparing him for what will happen, and for who his dad is, because when this comes out, it will be a media circus. Second, you have to decide how much you want to share Harry, because if this goes to court you won’t look good in their eyes, and they will make sure he has visitation and joint custody. Finally, do you want to try and repair your relationship and move forward with the man that you still love?”
Sarah sat there shaking her head. She was hearing all her worst fears come out of someone else’s mouth and it terrified her. The problem was she didn’t know the answer to any of Nicole’s questions, and she feared that she wouldn’t have an answer anytime soon. “Thanks, Nicole, you just verbalized every one of my worst thoughts and fears. Sadly, I don’t really know the answer to any of those questions, especially about following my heart and moving forward with Harrison.”
“Well, you have a lot to think about, but enough heavy stuff for the night. Let’s talk about Marcie’s bachelorette party. I have some good ideas, and hopefully by then, I can drink a little. Someone, not naming names, Marcie, doesn’t want a stripper, but I think it is a rite of passage, and after what she and Erin did for me, payback is hell.”
Sarah laughed. It felt good to be sitting among other women discussing events that had nothing to do with work or children’s activities. They told stories from Nicole’s party and how they both ended up in their man’s bed after their party, and how the men slipped in to spy on them thinking they wouldn’t get caught. The whole evening which started out with such drama ended with a good laugh shared amongst friends. Lincoln even made an appearance and Sarah hugged him, thanking him for helping her set up the meeting she should have had years ago. The night ended with Sarah holding Landon and cooing over what a beautiful baby he was. She felt her ovaries twinge at the thought of a new baby with Harrison, perhaps a baby girl.
Sarah thanked Marcie for the evening and being there for her when she needed a friend as she dropped her off at her house. She was not surprised to walk inside and see her mother waiting up for her. No matter how old she got, her mother tended to wait up for her as long as she wasn’t working overnight.
“So, how did it go tonight? You seem less stressed than when you left.”
“It was really, really good. Nicole helped me through some things and gave me a lot to think about, but more than anything, I need to talk to Harry at some point and begin to prepare him for what will happen when he meets his father. Everything else will either fall into place or it won’t. I can’t predict or really change the future.”
Anne smiled at her daughter. “Good. I think it’s time he knows. He looks more and more like him every day. Plus, his athletic ability will not go unnoticed much longer.”
“Yes, I’m well aware of that. He’s expected to start travel ball this year, and he’s already a three-time all-star selection. One of the dangers of him playing in the East Cobb baseball league.”
“Well, let me know how I can help, and we’ll move forward when you are ready.”
Sarah smiled at her mother and hugged her before she headed off to bed. She found herself unable to sleep thinking of all the bad things that could happen. It was like she was transported ten years into the past and was a scared twenty-two-year-old again. She stared at the ceiling counting all the imperfection, but she still couldn’t sleep. Not knowing what else to do, she picked up her cell phone and texted someone she didn’t think she would ever text. This time she didn’t block her number. He might as well have it for future use.
Are you absolutely sure you want to meet me and talk about the past? Isn’t the past best left in the past?
Sarah’s hands shook as she laid the phone back on the nightstand.
Harrison stood on his balcony overlooking the golf course drinking his scotch and smoking a Davidoff Dominican Puro when he heard his phone signal an incoming text. Wondering who would text him this late, other than a potential booty call which he had given up months ago, Harrison looked at an unfamiliar number. However, looking at the number he knew immediately who it was from. To say he was shocked to get the text would be an understatement, he contemplated what she had said before replying back to her.
I’m not afraid of the past. I think a lot of things need to be said and settled. First, why do you keep slapping me when you see me? Second, why did you leave me ten years ago. I loved you and never gave you any reason to doubt me.
Harrison stood there looking over the text, and finally hit send before he could change his mind.
Sarah was not surprised when her phone pinged a few minutes later. She read the words and tears sprung instantly to her eyes. She had always had her doubts about her actions, but this honest, almost pained, text really made her doubt her actions.
Sorry I keep slapping you. Knee jerk reaction. What if you don’t like the answers you get? Will they be enough?
Harrison, though initially shocked by the first text, was starting to get a warm feeling in his heart. Sarah had reached out to him and they were at least having a non-violent interaction.
At least I’ll know the truth about why you left.
Sarah couldn’t stop the tears at this point, and she was glad that she was off the next day getting ready for her call day.
Do you mean at least you’ll have closure?
Harrison wasn’t really prepared for this statement.
Sure. I think we both need it. Why wait until January? Why not do it next week before I head to Arizona to help some of the younger guys in fall ball?
Sarah knew this was coming and Lord knows he was starting to break down her walls, but she had to stand strong on the date.
I have several things that need to be resolved before we can meet. I’m sorry, but the date is firm.
Harrison expected that answer, but he felt like he had to give it a shot. Concerned that he would keep going all night and never get any answers he decided to call it a night and end the text session.
Well, I guess we don’t have anything else to talk about right now. Just know two things; one I never lied to you about anything, and two you can contact me anytime. Also, I promised Lincoln and Cole that even though I’d see you at the wedding, I wouldn’t talk to you or corner you, but feel free to speak to me without slapping me.
Sarah couldn’t help but laugh a little bit at that statement.
I understand. No slapping. I’ll be on my best behavior as well. Good night Harrison.
Harrison felt good like they were making headway.
Good night Sarah.
Sarah laid in bed staring at the ceiling again, but this time she felt a little better and finally drifted off to sleep.
Chapter Four
Sarah spent the next several weeks helping Marcie and Nicole get ready for Marcie’s wedding. Even though she was busy with work and wedding plans, the decisions she had to make were never far from her thoughts. She had taken the two weeks around Christmas and the New Year off so that she could spend the time with Harry and break the news to him, but the more she thought about it, the more she felt she should not tell Harry until Harrison knew. Even though she didn’t know how he would react, she didn’t want to get his hopes up to have Harrison dash them by not wanting to ge
t to know his son. Sarah thought that he would have mixed emotions, because what kid wouldn’t be thrilled their father was a major league baseball player, but she was concerned that he would be angry with her for keeping the secret. Fortunately, she had Thanksgiving and Christmas with Harry and then the wedding before she had to tackle the big issues.
As Sarah sat at her desk, her assistant Jim knocked before entering with a beautiful arrangement of tiger lilies. She smiled because she knew they were from Harrison. He may have taken a break from sending gifts, but periodically he had sent her small gifts, mostly stuff for the staff to enjoy. This had been the first gift he had sent directed totally at her. He was slowly breaking through the walls she had so carefully erected. The scent of the lilies wafted through her office bringing her a sense of peace.
“So, doll, want to talk about it?”
“No. I know we are somewhat friends, but don’t call me doll when we’re at the office. I’m sorry. Just a lot of stress lately. Why don’t you take a long lunch and bring me back a sandwich from Jason’s Deli?”
“Sure. Anything in particular?”
“Nope. Just the usual.”
Sarah returned to staring out the window thinking about her life. She knew things had been too good for too long, but at this point, she wasn’t really concerned about herself. Sarah was most concerned about how to handle Harry. A knock at the door startled her back to reality. She smiled as she saw her mother standing there with Harry. “So, what brings you two by on a school day none the less?”
“We had a half day, mom, and thought we would see if we could steal you away for lunch.”
“Sure, just let me call Jim and tell him not to bring me anything back for lunch.”
As Sarah walked out of the building with her mom and son, she noticed how happy and carefree Harry seemed. She wondered whether or not he would remain that way once he knew the truth. She felt bad for what was about to happen to him. Unfortunately, she had no idea how he would react and what the future would hold. She was sure that he would be excited. After all, Harrison Cooper was his favorite player in the entire world. “So, what do you want? Cheesecake Factory? Jason’s Deli?”