His heart, on the other hand, was chastising him for putting so much of himself, of his trust, of his emotional and psychological well-being into one man, a man who until Harlan hadn't been able to function in any kind of relationship. What the hell made him think Nathan had changed? It was a miracle the guy stuck around as long as he had.
Well, Harlan sure as hell wasn't going to get any answers like this. The more he paced, the more he felt like he was losing his mind. He needed to get out for a while. Despite the fact he knew Nathan wasn't out on the porch waiting for him, when he put on his overcoat and hat and stepped outside, he still found himself feeling disappointed. Jesus, what a sap he was. He got into his car and drove, all the while telling himself he had no idea where he was going.
What a load of bunk.
After parking his car, he thanked the burly doorman for opening the gold-edged door for him and stepped inside the foyer, arguing with himself on whether or not to check his overcoat and hat. If he did, he knew what would happen. At least he thought he did. Did he want that to happen? If he didn't, then why the hell was he here?
From beyond the cloakroom, he could see the ballroom with its tropical theme--palm trees and colorful flowers aplenty. The jazz was loud, fast, and thumping. Folks everywhere were togged to the bricks, enjoying champagne and what was most assuredly not piss water. No, sir, nothing but the real McCoy at the Parisian. It was probably even Irish or Scottish. Everything here was high-class, from the clientele to the workers. He twisted his hat in his hands and stepped a little closer to the ballroom to look around.
"Looking for someone, handsome?"
Harlan turned at the familiar voice and smiled, ignoring the fact his stomach was in knots. "I think I found him."
"You're not here to spoil my fun, are you?" Julius teased. He was all dolled up, looking incredibly eye-pleasing in a royal blue, pinstriped suit. Harlan didn't know what about Julius had caught his interest. Sure, the kid was pretty, but he wasn't the sort of fellow Harlan found himself interested in. He tended to get goofy over the kind who laughed at stupid jokes, clung to him in the middle of the night as if he were the only thing keeping the guy from falling, and had a slightly above-average aversion to uncleanliness.
"No, I'm not here on business," he said somewhat gruffly, pushing those thoughts out of his mind.
"Oh, good." Julius discreetly looked around, and Harlan had a pretty good idea who he was searching for.
"He's not here," Harlan muttered, feeling angry with himself for getting all balled-up thinking about what led him here in the first place.
Julius's expression softened. "I see."
"I remembered you mentioning this joint, and I...." He rubbed his hands over his face and let out a frustrated grunt. "I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. I'm sorry." He started to walk away, but Julius grabbed his arm.
"Wait, I don't even know your name."
"It's Harlan. Harlan Mackay."
"Well, Harlan," Julius said with a sexy smile, "let's blouse. This joint was putting me to sleep anyhow."
"Okay." Ignoring the little voice in his head telling him to make tracks, he stayed and waited for Julius to collect his coat and hat. Then they left the crowded nightclub and got into his car. It wasn't far to Julius's apartment, one he shared with the two friends who'd been with him at Shifty's. Lucky for him, they were out for the night. It didn't take long before Harlan found himself on the couch, with Julius sitting astride his lap, kissing him passionately. He returned Julius's kisses and allowed the young man's hands to roam. Finally he couldn't keep the voice in his head from speaking out.
"Wait." He gently pushed Julius away, holding him out at arm's length. No matter how angry he was with Nathan, he couldn't go through with it. Julius sat back, his chest rising and falling rapidly, blond hair swept roguishly over his brow and his full lips swollen. It made Harlan feel all the more like a heel. The kid obviously had a crush on him, and not because there was potential money to be made. Julius wasn't as good at hiding his feelings as he thought he was.
"Why are you here, Harlan? What happened?"
Taking a deep, calming breath, Harlan told Julius everything, more than he'd ever confided in anyone who wasn't Nathan. He didn't know anything about Julius, had no reason to trust him or think the kid would even care. Though there was something about him, something that had Harlan telling him about his time in France, about when he met Nathan and everything that quickly followed, including what happened earlier that night. It was more than he'd ever talked in his life. Once he said all he had to say, he sat quietly, watching Julius, who was in turn watching him.
"How do you know he would have gone through with it?" Julius asked curiously.
"You don't know how balled-up Nathan was after Danny disappeared. How could he not be tempted?"
"Harlan, you were tempted." Julius gave a little smile and traced a finger down Harlan's jaw. "You still are, and that's okay. What you feel for Nathan, the respect you have for him and what you two share was enough to bring you to your senses. How do you know he wouldn't have done the same? You said it yourself."
"He sure as hell didn't look like he was about to come to his senses," Harlan muttered. "He still has feelings for Danny. I know he does."
"Of course he has feelings for Danny. You never forget your first squeeze. Add that to the fact Nathan was grieving for Danny's loss when you met him. Suddenly after all those years of believing the man was dead, he reappears. That doesn't mean he's suddenly stopped loving you. He needs some time. There's a lot for him to come to terms with." He put his hand to Harlan's cheek and smiled tenderly. "Danny is Nathan's past. You're his present, and if you make the right choice, his future. You need to listen to him. Give him the chance to explain how he's feeling. He needs you, Harlan."
"Nate?" Harlan scoffed at that. "Nathan Reilly doesn't need anyone."
"Appearances can be deceiving, believe me." Julius slid off his lap and sat beside him. "Do you honestly believe he came away from that place unscathed? No matter what he says or how much he pretends, I get the feeling he puts on a brave front for your sake. All this time, you've believed you need him more than he needs you. I think you're mistaken."
Harlan had never even considered the possibility. Nathan was so strong-willed, always exuding nothing but confidence and cockiness. It was like he always knew exactly what to do and how to do it. If he ever felt vulnerable, he sure as hell never showed it. Admittedly, maybe Harlan could have been more attentive to Nathan. Maybe the signs had been there, but he had never bothered to pick up on them.
"You know I'm right, Harlan."
"Your voice changes," Harlan murmured.
Julius cocked his head to one side, puzzled. "I beg your pardon?"
"Your voice. Sometimes you're well-spoken, but that's not you, is it? Why the big show?" Harlan asked, wondering what a right guy like Julius was doing trying to take wealthy men for their money.
Julius smiled sadly and got to his feet. "You're a very smart man, Harlan. Don't give up on him. Very few of us have what you have. At the risk of sounding like a sap, he's worth fighting for."
Knowing Julius had said as much as he was going to, Harlan stood and collected his things. He turned to Julius and pulled him into his arms. "Thank you. If you ever need anything, anything at all, you come find me." He gave Julius their address and popped his hat on his head.
"And you know where to find me," Julius said, then gave Harlan a quick kiss before sending him on his way.
When Harlan got out onto the street, the rain was pouring down. Pulling his hat low and his coat collar up, he walked swiftly to his car. On the drive home, he wondered what he was going to say to Nathan. He was calm now, but he knew the moment he saw Nathan, that would no longer be the case.
Parking outside the house, he took a deep breath. Maybe all his fretting was for nothing. Maybe Nathan wasn't home. Maybe he decided he belonged with Danny. With a frustrated grunt, Harlan got out and headed for the front step
s. A different emotion washed over him at the sight of Nathan sitting on the top step under the porch, wearing nothing but his black pants and undershirt. Not only was Nathan missing his shoes and a whole lot of other clothing, but he was also soaked to the bone and shivering.
"You look like a drowned rat," Harlan grumbled, unable to think of what else to say. He wasn't about to admit how much it pained his heart to see Nathan in such a state.
Nathan's head snapped up and his bottom lip trembled a little. Seeming to get ahold of himself, he simply nodded.
"What the hell happened to you?"
"I got mugged by a bunch of brunos. The bastards took everything except my undershirt and pants. They probably would have taken those too if some coppers hadn't shown up."
Harlan was stunned. No one got the drop on Nathan. If they did, they wouldn't be walking away, and certainly not with his clothes. Julius was right. How had Harlan not seen it? Nathan Reilley was hard-boiled, one of the toughest bastards Harlan knew, and yet he possessed a vulnerability Harlan hadn't been aware of, mostly because that vulnerability was connected to Harlan. Nathan did need him. The truth of it both filled Harlan's heart and added fuel to the fire of his growing anger. Jesus, how long had Nathan been sitting out here in the cold, waiting for Harlan? "Why didn't you go inside the house? Have you lost your goddamn mind?" He stalked up to Nathan and hauled him to his feet.
"Possibly," Nathan muttered, his teeth now chattering.
"Unbelievable," Harlan growled, holding on to him with one hand and fishing for his keys with the other. Once he managed to get them out, he jammed the appropriate one into the lock, turned the key, and shoved Nathan inside. "This has to be the dumbest thing you've ever done." Nathan knew Harlan had lost his family to influenza, and here he was sitting out in the cold, drenched, and welcoming any number of life-threatening illnesses with open arms. "Get your clothes off, right now." He didn't bother waiting around to see if Nathan was listening. Instead he went into the bathroom and got a hot bath running. When he got back, Nathan had done as ordered and stood in the hall completely naked, shivering from head to toe.
Harlan led him into the bathroom and ignored the surprised look on Nathan's face as he started getting undressed. "Stop standing there like a rube and get in the damn tub."
With a small nod, Nathan carefully climbed in and scooted up, leaving room for Harlan to climb in behind him. The claw-footed bathtub was big, but with the both of them in it, there was little room for movement. Harlan took the washcloth from the small rack and used it to pour some water over Nathan's shoulders and head.
"Harley--"
"Shut up. I didn't say I was ready to talk to you yet."
Nathan went quiet for a few seconds before speaking up again. "Can I ask one question?"
"One," Harlan muttered.
"Is it over?"
It would be better in the long run, wouldn't it? They both had so much buried deep inside, things their relationship managed to keep that way. What if by doing what they did, they were hurting each other even more? Was being together making them whole, or was it an illusion, hiding the reality of their irreparable damage?
He took a deep breath and released it slowly before answering. "No."
Nathan said nothing. He took hold of the cloth in Harlan's hand to do it himself, but Harlan pulled him back against him.
"I'll take care of it," he said quietly, determined to do just that.
Chapter Five
NATHAN LAY wide-awake in bed as he did every other night, his back pressed against Harlan's chest. Despite the closeness, it felt as though a canyon-sized gap separated them.
"I can feel how angry you are, so why are you bothering with all this?" he asked, truly baffled. From the moment he stepped into the bath, Harlan had taken care of everything, like he said he would. He'd bathed Nathan, washed his hair, dried him, brought him to bed, and now lay down with him under the covers, holding him tight. He was also still mad as hell. It was coming off him in waves.
"Because I don't want you to get sick," Harlan replied. "You know what I went through with my parents. Next time, use your head. For crying out loud, Nate, you're smarter than that."
Nathan turned in Harlan's arms to face him, ignoring his grunt of protest. "Look at me, Harley."
Reluctantly, Harlan did. "Now what?" he snapped.
"Now you stop being an ass," Nathan said with a scowl. "Yes, I care about Danny. Yes, he kissed me and I didn't respond quick enough. I was confused, and don't you dare roll your eyes at me." Harlan pursed his lips but said nothing. "You know how it was between me and him, so yes, I was confused. Here I was, seeing him again for the first time in years after thinking he was dead, and I told him I missed him, which I had. He must have misunderstood, because the next minute, he was kissing me. You know I've changed--you better damn well know that--but he doesn't." He put his hand to Harlan's cheek and sighed. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. We've been to hell and back together, Harley. You think I'd throw all that away for a tumble in the sack? You don't think that little of me, do you?"
Harlan closed his eyes, and for the longest moment, Nathan was afraid of what might come next. He knew Harlan well, knew how unforgiving and stubborn he could be if he got a certain notion into his head. Harlan wasn't the type to put up with nonsense. If he had to cut all ties with someone, he would, and he sure as hell wouldn't lose sleep over it. Would it be that easy for him with Nathan? No, Nathan knew it wouldn't. When Harlan finally opened his eyes and spoke, his voice was low, grave, and his words were not at all what Nathan expected.
"I don't like mugs touching what's mine." Harlan was very serious, judging by his expression, and Nathan didn't know what to say to that. He opened his mouth to speak, only to have Harlan put his fingers to Nathan's lips.
"These are mine. No one kisses them but me."
Nathan's heart did a little flip, and he nodded, touched by Harlan's conviction. Then he was touched by something else, bringing him to jump with a start. Harlan cupped him, his voice changing to a low growl.
"These are mine. No one puts their hands on your dick but me."
Nathan nodded again, growing hard even as Harlan moved his hand. His eyes fluttered closed, and he arched his back, feeling Harlan's fingers slip between his cheeks. A finger pressed sharply into his entrance, and Nathan let out a surprised cry.
"This is mine. No one fucks you but me. You got that?"
"Yes," Nathan replied, feeling breathless. "I understand." He whispered the words over and over as he crushed his lips to Harlan's. His lover wasn't the most eloquent, but he knew how to get his point across loud and clear.
Harlan's lips were almost bruising on Nathan's. There was no gentle intimacy on Harlan's part, only biting, sucking, and pain in the most glorious way. He was claiming what he believed was rightfully his. He was leaving his mark and making sure Nathan wouldn't forget again. It sent a shiver through Nathan's whole body, had him painfully hard and scraping his fingernails down Harlan's chest. All his senses were filled with nothing but the scent, taste, and feel of Harlan.
With one arm around Nathan's waist, Harlan flipped him over and pulled him to his knees, his head pushed down into the pillow. There was a momentary absence, and then he felt Harlan behind him, felt the temporary cold slickness of the lubricant, and then a sharp pain that had him letting out a strangled cry, his insides on fire and tears in his eyes. Harlan paused, and Nathan shook his head, his voice breaking when he spoke, but he demanded nonetheless.
"No, don't stop. Please. Please." He needed this, and as Harlan snapped his hips, Nathan knew his lover did too. He closed his fists around the sheets, shut his eyes tight, and gritted his teeth, the tears falling of their own accord as Harlan fucked him so hard Nathan had to throw a hand out against the heavy oak headboard to keep it from banging against the wall and keep himself from going through it. Harlan folded over him, his chest pressed to Nathan's back and his hand gripping Nathan's shoulder to hold him in place.
He continued to snap his hips, each thrust harder and deeper than the last until Nathan was unable to keep from crying out with each one. At one point, Harlan kissed his cheek, and Nathan smiled, his emotions bubbling up inside him and threatening to overflow. They'd done it hard and heavy plenty of times, but this was nothing like those times. This was need, fear, and punishment, mixed with desire, desperation, and hope.
Harlan's pace quickened, and Nathan braced himself as Harlan threw his hand over Nathan's and laced their fingers together. He thrust one last time, shouting hoarsely as his release slammed into him. He pushed deeper into Nathan, emptying himself inside Nathan before collapsing onto him. Unable to hold Harlan's weight, Nathan slowly lowered himself onto his belly and lay there while they attempted to catch their breaths. He winced as Harlan carefully pulled out of him with a low hiss. Harlan flopped onto his back, and Nathan watched him as he stared up at the ceiling, his heavy panting steadily decreasing. His brows drew together, and he rolled toward Nathan, fear and worry in his hazel eyes.
"Did I hurt you too badly?" he asked Nathan, looking truly concerned about what the response might be.
"Not as much as I hurt you," Nathan replied, smiling at the pout that appeared on Harlan's face. He reached out and ran his thumb over Harlan's bottom lip and smiled. "Nothing I couldn't handle. I like it when you get all caveman on me. Let's just not make a habit of it, okay?"
Harlan nodded and ran his fingers through Nathan's damp hair.
"There's something else that belongs to you that you forgot to mention," Nathan said, forcing himself to roll onto his side. Every muscle in his body shouted in protest, and he could only imagine how sore he was going to feel in the morning. Taking Harlan's hand, he placed it over his heart. "This belongs to you too, Harley. I love you."
Harlan's expression softened, and then he cringed. "I ran into Julius tonight."
"Not the response I was hoping for," Nathan muttered. He narrowed his eyes and read between the lines. "You went to find him?"
Roses in the Devil's Garden Page 4