Nate’s body on top of his was heady, but not enough. “Please,” Lucas breathed.
Nate pulled back and watched him for a moment, squinting in the darkness, asking without saying a word if Lucas was sure. “Please,” Lucas repeated. He pulled Nate’s shirt over his head, and soon their pajamas were tossed aside.
Nate was up and back before Lucas knew it. He bent Lucas’s knees, placing his feet flat on the mattress, kneeling in front of him. Squeezing the lube into his palm, Nate warmed it up before his fingers found Lucas’s hole, gently working the slick gel inside. He started with one finger, lightly stroking Lucas’s cock with his other hand. Then two fingers.
When he had the condom on and lubed, he moved closer and placed Lucas’s legs up onto his shoulders, opening him. Lucas had never felt more vulnerable, but he only shivered with anticipation. He trusted Nate completely.
Nate slowly pushed his way inside, and Lucas felt like he was tearing open. His eyes watering, he gasped as the pain blossomed. Nate leaned down, kissing him tenderly all over his face: cheeks, forehead, and eyes. “Just breathe,” he whispered, and Lucas felt a calm come over him, his body relaxing despite the pain.
Bit by bit, Nate moved farther inside him, the stretch both almost unbearable and something he never wanted to stop. They were both breathing heavily, and sweat glistened on Nate’s forehead in the streetlight.
When Nate was almost all the way in, he hit a spot that made Lucas see stars, a moan of pleasure slipping from his lips. With another kiss and a little smile, Nate began shallow little thrusts, hitting that spot every time.
Lucas began moving with him, the pain ebbing away to become pure pleasure. Nate pressed Lucas’s knees to his chest and drove into him, grasping one of his hands. Lucas felt like he was in a dream, drifting in a world where nothing else existed but him and Nate. Their eyes locked together as their bodies flexed and rocked. Nate was inside him, and Lucas could feel it in his soul.
His cock was hard and leaking, squeezed between their bodies as Nate increased his rhythm. He found the spot again, grunting softly as he hit it over and over. Lucas couldn’t stifle his cry as he came, his orgasm ripping through him. As he shook, Nate thrust sharply two more times before shuddering in release.
Lucas winced when Nate pulled out of him. Nate dropped a kiss to his shoulder, murmuring something Lucas couldn’t make out. Sitting up, Nate tossed the tied-off condom into the garbage pail by his desk. Before Lucas could even ask him to stay, he pulled the covers up over them, wrapping Lucas tightly in his arms.
Nate kissed Lucas’s ear and whispered, “Sleep.”
The fracturing grief for his father had receded for the moment, and he felt whole in a way he couldn’t explain as he closed his eyes in Nate’s arms. Lucas hadn’t meant to fall in love, but he realized with a sense of wonder that was exactly what he’d done.
Chapter Eight
Running, Nate and Lucas barely made it on board the ferry before it left the dock, and they laughed, their icy exhalations puffing out in front of them. Most passengers crowded inside, but Lucas liked to watch the city glide by. On the upper deck, he and Nate leaned against the railing and caught their breath.
It had been a perfect day.
The Met was crowded with holiday visitors, but Lucas barely noticed. He and Nate were in their own little world, and Lucas vowed to himself to just enjoy it and worry about the future when it came.
Of course, as he stood shoulder to shoulder with Nate, watching the Statue of Liberty in the distance, his mind wandered to his inevitable return to school. He sighed audibly, and Nate nudged him gently, an eyebrow raised.
“I’m just thinking about the new year. Going back to school.” Lucas’s dour tone pretty much said it all.
Nate was quiet for a few moments. “So why are you going back?”
“Because I have to.” Where else would he go?
“What are you doing at Brookfield? Even Sam notices you’re miserable.”
“What? You and Sam were talking about me?”
“Not in a bad way, but my usually clueless brother knows you’re not happy there.” He took a breath, as if steeling himself. “You could move here in the summer. Transfer schools; there are about a million to choose from. Figure out what you really want to do with your life.”
The thought of returning to Brookfield and the noisy dorm, going back to his chemistry books and the degree he didn’t truly want, filled Lucas with dread. Maybe Nate was right. What was stopping him from coming to New York and living his own life?
His father had wanted him to be happy, and Lucas had pretended for long enough that his father’s dreams for him were his own. “Well, it would be pretty awesome to live in New York if I could afford it. I mean, I have money from my dad, so I guess I could.” A thrill zipped through him. “I guess… I guess there really is nothing stopping me. Whoa.”
“Blowing your mind, huh?” Nate grinned.
“A little bit. Brookfield was where my dad wanted to go, but he didn’t have the grades. So when I got in, he was over the moon.” Lucas shivered as frigid wind gusted, his ears stinging. He stupidly had forgotten his hat. “But he’d want me to be happy.”
“Of course he would.”
Lucas couldn’t stop smiling. “What about you? Are you going to quit law? Switch to photography?”
“What? No. I’m not good enough,” Nate said dismissively.
“Yes, you are.”
“You’re being nice, but I don’t have the talent.” He smiled ruefully and muttered under this breath, “My little hobby.”
“Your mother has no idea what you’re capable of. You do so have the talent. You’re afraid to take the risk, but you expect me to.”
Nate was silent for a long moment, peering out to the horizon and the city slipping away. Finally he sighed. “You’re right. I’m a hypocrite.” He wrapped his arms around himself, shivering as the wind whipped off the water.
“You don’t have to be. Neither of us is happy. We need to make a change. We could do it together.”
Nate looked at him. “Together?”
“Oh, I mean…not… I don’t…” Lucas took a deep breath. Time to stop being afraid. “Screw it. Yes. Together. You and me. I really like you. And I know you don’t want that, a boyfriend, so I’m probably wasting my breath, and this is just a holiday fling.”
Nate straightened his glasses, and Lucas realized he did it when he was nervous. After a deep breath, Nate said, “I’ve been thinking about that. You’re only a few hours away. Sam goes on the road a lot for basketball in the new year, and he’s going to Daytona for spring break. I could visit.”
Lucas tried to tamp down his rush of excitement and failed completely. Then a thought hit him, and his smile vanished. “What about when we’re not together? Will you still be seeing other guys?”
Nate leaned closer. “I don’t want to see anyone but you, Lucas.”
Warm happiness exploded in Lucas’s chest like the creature in Alien. “I thought you weren’t looking for a boyfriend.”
“I wasn’t.” Nate smiled crookedly. “I guess one found me. If you want me.”
Not caring if anyone was watching, Lucas threw his arms around him. “I want.”
Nate held him close, their cheeks pressed together. Lucas watched the sun sink over the distant skyscraper in a blaze of red and orange. He had a boyfriend. He might move to New York City. He had a boyfriend. Maybe holiday miracles really did happen.
When Nate laughed and said, “Maybe,” Lucas realized he’d said it aloud. He only hugged Nate tighter.
In the Uber, Nate checked his phone. “We missed lighting the menorah on the last night of Hanukkah. If we miss synagogue, I’m dead meat.” When they’d gotten home to a darkened house, they’d quickly changed, Lucas borrowing a tie and jacket.
“But I thought you weren’t that observant,” Lucas said.
“We’re not, but we always have to go to synagogue at least once every holiday, or we’ll nev
er hear the end from Papa. I kind of like it, actually.”
Hopping out in front of the temple, Nate took the empty steps two at a time before he jolted to a halt and pulled a rounded, dark gray suede piece of material from his pocket. He placed it on the back of his head.
Lucas said, “Okay, this is going to sound like a stupid question, but—”
“How does it stay on?” Nate laughed. “Years of experience.” He pulled another piece of material out of his pocket, this one black. “You, however, get a bobby pin for your yarmulke.”
Lucas stood still while Nate gently pinned it in place. Their heads were close together, and Nate’s warm breath ghosted over Lucas’s cheek. Nate stood back. “There you go. Looks good. What about me?” He laughed suddenly, rolling his eyes. “I know, I look like a complete dork.”
Fat snowflakes had begun to fall, nestling in Nate’s hair and spotting his glasses, and Lucas told him the truth. “You look beautiful.”
Nate leaned closer, their lips inches apart. Just then, a van pulled up, unloading a chattering family who rushed by them up the steps. Lucas and Nate followed, finding a seat near the back.
Lucas gazed in wonder at the blue and gold ceiling soaring high above. A center aisle separated rows of pews, and ornate chandeliers hung in pillared archways along each side of the room, with a gallery of extra seating on the left and right through the arches on the second level. It was a full house.
The rabbi spoke of freedom, and conquering fear and despair. As the service went on, Lucas was filled with a sense of peace he couldn’t remember ever experiencing. He thought of his father and smiled. The pain was still there, but Lucas knew he would get through it.
Glancing down to his left, he saw Nate’s hand on the bench beside him. Sliding his palm over the polished wood, he touched Nate’s pinky finger with his own. He would have been satisfied with just that small contact, but a few moments later, Nate flipped his hand over. As the congregation began singing, Lucas covered Nate’s palm with his own, threading their fingers together.
Lucas didn’t understand the words, but he tried to sing along anyway.
After the service and socializing, Lucas and the Kramers pushed open the doors of the synagogue to discover the world had been covered in white. Large flakes of snow floated down, blanketing everything and giving the night an unnatural, serene brightness, the wind gentle now. They all paused to admire the beauty of the winter’s first real snowfall.
Mrs. Kramer’s fingers brushed over Lucas’s yarmulke playfully. “It suits you, Lucas. You’ll have to come and stay for Passover.” She planted a kiss on his cheek. “And I won’t take no for an answer!” Hooking her arm through her husband’s, she led the way down the snowy steps. “Let’s go home and eat.”
Nate and Lucas followed side by side, neither of them able to hide their smile.
In the Kramers’ living room, the menorah candles had burned out, and Lucas was sorry he hadn’t had a chance to see all eight of them burning. Maybe next year…
Mrs. Kramer tutted as she examined her black high-heeled shoes. “I wouldn’t have worn these if I’d known it would snow. At least the salt wasn’t out yet.”
Mr. Kramer took the shoes from her. “I’ll give them a good polish. Don’t worry.” He kissed her cheek, and she beamed at him.
Lucas found himself smiling as he watched. He caught Nate’s eye, wishing he could show him affection like that. My boyfriend. I have a boyfriend! Nate gave him a little smile. Maybe they could go upstairs quickly and just kiss for a minute or two.
Then Sam said, “What are you two grinning about?”
“Huh?” Lucas jerked his head around. “Nothing. Just… Um, hungry. Looking forward to dinner.”
Mrs. Kramer said, “Well, we have a lovely meal waiting. Everyone to the table.”
“And where was tonight’s delicacy ordered from?” Mr. Kramer asked.
“Baggio’s,” she answered. “Veal tortellini, our favorite burrata and tomato salad, that mushroom risotto Nathaniel loves, and garlic bread of course. And panna cotta for dessert.” To Lucas, she added, “I’m sure you’ve noticed I’m not much for cooking.”
“I’m not either, so.”
They all laughed, and Lucas ran a hand through his hair, his yarmulke coming loose. “Oh! Sorry.”
Chuckling, Nate came close and reached up to unpin it completely. “It’s okay. We only wear them at temple.” He straightened Lucas’s hair, sending tingles down Lucas’s spine. He couldn’t wait until they were alone again and—
“So are you guys boning, or what?”
Lucas’s heart seized violently, his stomach lurching and threatening to bring up the burger he’d had for lunch. Nate whipped his hands back to his sides, looking like he was choking on his tongue, his face beet red.
The Kramers turned in the wide doorway to the kitchen, mouths open. Mrs. Kramer snapped, “Samuel!”
“What?” He rolled his eyes. “Sorry. Are you two making love?” As Nate sputtered, Sam added, “Come on, dude. We know you’re gay.”
Chest rising and falling rapidly, Nate looked between Sam and their parents. He crossed his arms, and Lucas wanted to step closer so Nate knew he wasn’t alone, but didn’t think it would help. He jammed his hands in his pockets, waiting.
Mr. Kramer sighed. “Son, we’ve been waiting for you to tell us. Was that the wrong thing to do?”
“Unless we’re mistaken after all?” Mrs. Kramer asked.
Nate laughed harshly. “You’d be relieved if you were.”
She jerked her head back an inch, blinking. “No. That’s not true at all.”
“Oh, come on, Mom.” Nate’s tense jaw worked, his nostrils flaring. “I know you think gay people are vulgar.”
“I do not!” She stood up straighter, her husband placing a comforting hand on her shoulder, frowning at Nate.
“Dude, what the hell are you talking about?” Sam lifted his meaty hands in the air. “Mom and Dad are totally cool with it.”
Mr. Kramer said, “Nate, we love you. We haven’t wanted to push. Rabbi Lowenstein said to let you come out when you were ready.”
“You told the rabbi?” Nate shouted. “Great, now everyone probably knows. What about the rest of the family?”
“No,” Mr. Kramer answered. “First off, Rabbi Lowenstein would never betray our trust. We asked for his counsel in confidence. And we haven’t told anyone else in the family, although I’m sure some of them suspect. It’s absolutely your choice as to when you want to tell them.”
“Why did you say that? That I find gay people ‘vulgar’?” Mrs. Kramer asked, her lips quivering along with her voice.
When Nate spoke, at least he wasn’t shouting. In fact, it was barely more than a whisper. “There was a pride parade on the news. Ten years ago now, I guess. There were guys in Speedos on a float, and you said it was vulgar. With such disdain.”
She exhaled sharply. “Well, men thrusting their pelvises while clad only in tiny bathing suits is vulgar. I’ve never been one for such displays. Bathing suits belong on the beach. It has nothing to do with being gay.”
Mr. Kramer said, “She’s never liked beauty pageants for the same reason. And there isn’t even any pelvis thrusting in those.”
Tears glistened in her eyes. “Nate, have you thought all this time that I wouldn’t approve?”
Adam’s apple bobbing, Nate nodded, staring at the beige carpet. His mother crossed the space between them in a heartbeat, wrapping him in her arms. Tears slipped down her cheeks, and he bent to rest his head on her shoulder, hunching since she was shorter.
“You couldn’t be more wrong,” she said. “I love you. I want you to be happy. That’s what we all want.”
Lucas’s eyes burned, and he blinked rapidly, jumping when Mr. Kramer squeezed his shoulder. “Lucas, I know we’ve only just met you, but I hope you know you’re very welcome here. Gay, straight, whatever. It doesn’t matter to us.”
“I… Thank you.” Lucas swallowed hard, h
is voice trembling. “I am. Gay, I mean. We…” He glanced at Nate, who raised his head and stepped back from his mom, swiping at his eyes.
Nate nodded. “We really like each other. We’re going to visit each other whenever we can in the new year and see what happens.”
“I knew it!” Sam crowed.
Nate muttered, “Shut up,” but there was no heat to it. He looked between his parents. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. That I’m gay. I really didn’t think you’d be okay with it.”
Now tears formed in Mr. Kramer’s eyes. “I’m sorry we gave you that impression.” He pulled Nate into a hug, and Lucas blinked rapidly, warmth spreading through his chest, his breathing steady now.
Sam punched Lucas in the shoulder playfully. “Man, it must be torture for you rooming with me and seeing me naked and stuff. But thanks for not hitting on me or anything.”
A giggle bubbled up and Lucas tried to keep a straight face. He failed miserably, and Nate even smiled as he separated from his dad.
Sam shrugged. “What? I’m just saying! Hello, I’m hot.”
Lucas nodded, trying to stifle his laughter. “It’s a challenge, Sam. I appreciate your understanding.”
“Gay people are just like everyone else, and I was thinking it would be hard to live with some hot chick I couldn’t bang.”
Nate eyed him skeptically. “You’re really okay with me being gay? Dating Lucas?”
“Totally, bro.”
Nate smiled, shaking his head. “I thought you’d hate me.”
Sam was taken aback. “Dude, I could never hate you.” He reached out and jerked Nate into a hug, slapping his back forcefully. “You’re my brother. So what if you fuck guys?” He winced. “Sorry, Mom and Dad. I mean make love with guys.”
Lucas said, “We really appreciate your support. It means a lot.”
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