He was smooth. He knew every button to push at just the right time for maximum effectiveness. But it was almost too good. It felt rehearsed. It felt like he practiced and executed the moves so many times before that they lacked spontaneity or true passion.
Or maybe the missing passion was on my end. He was hot, there was no doubt about that, but I couldn’t see myself actually sleeping with him. Every time I pictured myself undressing and climbing into bed, the guy waiting for me was Sawyer.
Jude gave me his sexy smile then started the car. I was glad for the quiet as we drove the short way back to my apartment. I was half hoping that Jude would keep the engine running when we pulled in front of my place but no such luck. He stopped the car and parked. He didn’t even wait for me to say anything. He jumped out of the car and opened the door for me.
There was no way he was going get inside my apartment, or get inside me for that matter. I didn’t want to lead him on and I definitely didn’t want to be tempted to sleep with him. It had been nearly a year since my last serious relationship and it felt like a long time to go without sex.
As much as my mind knew I didn’t want to hook up with Jude, I wasn’t sure my body was completely on board with the decision. My body kept reminding me what a good kisser he was and how my body reacted when he kissed me.
He grabbed my hand as we walked to my door. I stopped at the threshold and turned to him.
“Thanks for dinner,” I said. “I had a lovely time.”
He titled his head kind of like a puppy trying to understand what its master was saying. “You’re not going to invite me in?” He actually sounded a little surprised.
I shook my head.
“Really?” His amazement made me wonder how many girls refused him entry into their apartments after a date. My guess would be close to zero.
“Really,” I confirmed.
He moved in closer to me and I backed up until my back was against the cement wall. He wasn’t deterred. He got so close, I could feel the heat radiating from his body. He put his muscular arms on either side of my head. “I like a challenge,” he said as he stared down at me.
The fact that he couldn’t differentiate between a challenge and indifference seemed to confirm my hypothesis that he lacked intuition and the ability to read people.
Before I could protest, he leaned in and kissed me. It was a light kiss at first but it quickly deepened. All I could think about was what it would be like to kiss Sawyer. How he would taste and how his lips would feel.
“Oh, Maggie,” Jude moaned in my ear. “You really turn me on.” He pushed his body against mine and trapped me against to wall. I was sure it was to show me exactly how much I was turning him on. He already had a rock hard erection that was pressing against my stomach.
He went in for another kiss, this time he pushed his tongue into my mouth. I placed my hands against his chest and pushed him. It seemed to take a few second for him to register that I had actually shoved him away.
“You’d better go,” I said.
He just stood there, staring at me, blinking his eyes as if he wasn’t sure what to do.
“Go home, Jude,” I instructed.
He gave his head a shake as if he was trying to lift himself from a trance. “Okay,” he mumbled but made no movement to leave.
“I’m getting tired,” I said and forced a yawn.
“You’d better get to bed,” he said although he voice still sounded unsure. He placed a kiss on my cheek. “I’ll call you.”
After he finally headed back to his car, I breathed a small sigh of relief. I just hoped that I’ll call you was a line and he really wasn’t going to.
***
I laid in bed thinking about the events of the evening. Was there something wrong with me? I was out with one of the hottest guys I had ever seen. A guy who could have any girl he wanted and he wanted me. And yet I couldn’t stop thinking about another guy: Sawyer Reed. Sawyer was starting to consume my thoughts. I thought about what it would like to kiss him. Being lost in his beautiful green eyes. I thought about running my hands down his well-muscled chest.
I also wondered what it would be to be intimate with someone with paraplegia. He said he still had some feeling in his lower body and that he could still function sexually but I was sure there would be some limitations. I don’t know why I thought it would still be good, maybe even incredible. It didn’t make sense. We hadn’t even kissed yet. But whenever I was in his presence, I felt more desire and more passion than I had ever felt before. Even when I thought about him, when I just pictured him in my mind, there was a stirring deep in my core.
I had been intimate with three guys. They were all, for lack of a better term, science nerds that I had met in one science class or another. None of them brought out any true passion in me. Not the type of passion I felt with Sawyer. I don’t know if it was the guys, or if it was me, but they all said the same thing about me. That I wasn’t very fun to be with. That I wasn’t good in bed. That I lacked passion. I wasn’t able to achieve an orgasm with any of them, so I believed what they said. I actually started to think I just wasn’t a very sexual person.
But that I was before I saw Sawyer again. He awakened something in me that was so raw and so carnal, it almost scared me.
***
I felt like I was in a perpetual state of confusion. Did I really reject Jude? It seemed surreal. Like I was watching someone else doing it.
My cell phone chirped. My heart sank when I saw it was my mother. I had no idea what I was going to tell her? I knew she’d be pissed that I didn’t want to be with Jude. I think she wanted me to be with him more than I did. How sad is that?
I let it go to voice mail. I just couldn’t deal with her.
I couldn’t deal with her for the rest of the weekend either. And I could tell by her string of voicemails that she was getting increasingly agitated with me. I didn’t care. I just wanted to be left alone.
By Sunday night, it must have become unbearable because there was a knock on the door. I was a little surprised to see it was my mom. She rarely came by my apartment. She preferred it when I came home to visit.
“Why haven’t you returned my calls,” she complained as she charged into my small living room.
She was definitely a force of nature. It was no wonder that my dad let her do whatever she wanted to do. He probably couldn’t stop her even if he wanted to.
My mom turned and gaped at me. “So?”
“So what?” I asked even though I knew exactly what she was referring to.
She pursed her lips. “Your date with Jude. How did it go?”
“It was fine,” I lied.
She crossed her arms over her chest. “Just fine?”
I sighed. “We had a lovely time. He took me to The Cellar Door.”
That seemed to please my mom. She grinned. “And when is he taking you out again?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know.”
My mom narrowed her eyes. “He hasn’t phoned?”
I was actually glad he hadn’t phone me. I shook my head.
“You didn’t put out, did you?”
My jaw dropped. “Mom! I don’t want to talk about this with you.”
“Guys don’t respect girls who put out on the first date.”
She obviously didn’t know Jude. I suspected that was the only thing that would have had him coming back for more.
“You don’t have to worry, Mom. I don’t sleep around.”
“You’ll see him next week at the theater. I’m sure he’ll ask you out again when you see him.”
Ugh, did she have to remind me. As much as I dreaded having to do my community service hours, I dreaded seeing Jude a little bit more.
My mom closed in on me and straightened the collar on my shirt. “Why don’t you wear something nice when you go to the theater again?”
I frowned. “No one wears nice clothes to rehearsal, Mom. I’ll look like a freak.”
“I’m sure he’ll appreciate
you taking a little extra care with your appearance.”
“Fine,” I agreed just to get her out of there as quickly was possible.
She smiled. “Please return my calls, Maggie. I worry about you.”
“Yes, Mom. I’ll try.”
“There is no try,” my mom replied. “Just do.”
***
As I strode toward the lab, I gave myself a little pat on the back that I was actually a little bit early. Imagine my surprise when I saw a wheelchair parked right near the entrance.
Sawyer.
“Hey, Maggs,” he said as I tried to hurry past him.
I could feel my heart flutter a bit when he called me Maggs. I stopped and turned toward him, pretending to be surprised.
I hadn’t seen him in the lab for days. Reese told me that his new lab partner assigned him to do an inventory project in the stockroom. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I saw how bad he looked. He had dark circles under his eyes, like he hadn’t slept in days. His hair, which was usually styled, was a mess. And his clothes were rumpled, like he hadn’t changed in a few days.
We both stared at each other for what seemed like a really long time, reacquainting ourselves and taking each other in. It was like we had both been starved and were feeding on the sight of each other.
“Did you sleep with him?” Sawyer blurted out and it took me a few seconds to realize what he had asked. Then I wondered how he knew Jude and I had gone out.
“Sleep with whom?” I asked just to be ornery because I couldn’t believe he’d ask such a question.
“Jude,” he pressed. His eyes were now blazing hot with jealousy. Like he had any place to be jealous when he was the one who pushed me into Jude’s arms.
It seemed to be eating him alive but I was so offended by the question, I was a little less than sympathetic. “Why do you care?” I asked.
He grabbed my arm and heat moved through my body like a wildfire spreading through an old, dry forest.
“Did he fuck you?” Sawyer’s grip on my arm tightened. I tried to wriggle free but he had a death grip on me.
“I don’t think it’s any of your business,” I snapped. “You and I are not a couple. We’re not dating. I’m not sure we’re even friends anymore.”
Sawyer’s face turned to stone and his eyes turned dark and stormy. I’d never seen him go so black and it sent chills through my body. “Tell me,” he pressed.
“I don’t owe you an answer,” I spat.
Before I knew what was happening, he pulled me down onto his lap. As we stared at each other, practically nose to nose, I wondered how he got me on his lap so quickly. He was a lot stronger, and had a lot more agility, than I gave him credit for.
“You’re right. You don’t owe me anything. But I still want to know.”
I heaved a sigh. “I didn’t sleep with him.”
A smile grew on Sawyer’s face. It was my smile. The one Sawyer only used with me. It made my heart melt.
“I didn’t think he’d score with you.” Is that why he asked? Was it still about the weird obsession the two guys had with each other? Was I just a pawn in their game?
“Let me up,” I said. He had his arm around me.
“No,” he said matter-of-factly.
“No?” I was incredulous.
“No,” he repeated.
“I’m not a plaything,” I hissed. “I’m not a toy for you and Jude to fight over. Do you think it makes you more of a man because I didn’t sleep with Jude? What happens between me and Jude has nothing to do with you!”
I knew the last thing I said was a lie—what happened—or didn’t happen between me and Jude had a lot to do with my feelings for Sawyer. But I was so mad at him I didn’t want him to know it.
I also wasn’t sure it even mattered how I felt but it seemed like he cared more about getting something Jude wanted than he did about me.
I used every bit of strength I had to wriggle out of Sawyer’s embrace and jump up from his lap.
“Is that what you think?” Sawyer muttered. He looked like I’d just punched him.
“How could I not think that? That’s all the two of you seem to talk about —each other.”
Sawyer looked like he was going to say more but I had no intention of sticking around to hear what it was. I turned on my heel and marched away.
***
As I pulled into the parking lot of the Little Theater, I was overcome with dread. Jude hadn’t phone me, which I hoped meant that he had lost interest, but deep down inside I didn’t think that was true. Jude didn’t seem like the kind of guy who gave up that easily. At least not with girls. And especially with girls, who didn’t fall all over themselves to jump into bed with him. I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that what I thought was the end, Jude may have thought was just the beginning.
I tried to take in a deep breath but my chest felt heavy. I couldn’t stop thinking about Sawyer and the look on his face when I pulled away from him. He looked like he wanted to die. Part of me wanted to slap him because I was still so angry but another part of me wanted to take him in my arms and never let him go.
I arrived just a few minutes late on purpose. I didn’t want Jude to have the chance to corner me. When I entered the theater and saw that he was already on stage rehearsing with Alyssa, I breathed a small sigh of relief.
But the relief didn’t last long. As soon as his eyes caught mine, he was looking at me like he wanted to jump from the stage and have his way with me right there in front of everyone. I’d never seen so much desire and so much urgency in another person in my life. It actually scared me a little.
Had rejecting him actually made him want me more? How was that possible? Maybe I should have just slept with him to get it over with and get him out of my life. Maybe my mom was right, if I was too easy, he would have lost interest.
I waved over at Helen and made sure she saw me so she’d mark my time on her clipboard. Then I felt someone grab my elbow. It was Larry.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” he said in a loud whisper. He seemed agitated but also cautious not to disturb the rehearsal on stage. “Summer’s not here, so I really need your help.”
“Where is she?” I whispered back.
“She called and told me that her brother is sick so he can’t drive her.”
Sawyer was sick? My stomach sunk at the thought that I may have had something to do with it. “Do you know what’s wrong with him?”
Larry frowned. “Like I care? The guy’s in a wheelchair. Probably some wheelchair stuff. How would I know?”
“What exactly is wheelchair stuff?” I asked.
Larry was staring at me with his beady eyes. “Why do you care? Aren’t you hooking up with Romeo over there?” He motioned toward Jude.
I could feel my face heating up. How in the world did he know that I’d gone out with Jude? And why did he think we were hooking up? I guess everyone assumed if you went out with Jude, you’d sleep with him.
“I’m not hooking up with anyone,” I snapped.
He frowned as if he didn’t believe me. “Yeah, well Mr. Hot Stuff told me to keep my distance because you were his and off limits.”
I could feel my entire body tense as anger rose up inside of me like a volcano ready to erupt. “He said what?” I could barely contain my voice.
“I assume that was a rhetorical question,” Larry replied.
I glared at him.
“Don’t get mad at the messenger.”
He was right. The person I was mad at was onstage, currently kissing his scene partner, and seeming to enjoy every minute of it. The audacity of him to tell anyone I was his was beyond comprehension. We’d only gone on one date. And it wasn’t even that great of a date.
“Now can we please get to work,” Larry pleaded. “We don’t have a lot of time and we’ve got a lot of work to do.”
I nodded and Larry took me into a backstage area where it looked like he was working on some of the sets. “We need to get all of this
painted. Grab a brush. We’re going to be here a while.”
A few hours later, I was a mess. I had paint all over my arms and hands. I could even see a few paint splatters hanging from the ends of my hair. But Larry seemed pleased with our progress.
“You’re a much faster painter than Summer,” he said.
“Thanks,” I replied even though painting faster than a girl with CP wasn’t much of an accomplishment.
Larry sighed. “I hope Jude doesn’t scare you away from the theater. He can be intense. Especially when it comes to girls he really likes. You’re a hard worker. We can really use you for future shows.”
I felt bad because I didn’t plan on staying one minute more that my hundred hours. But I could tell Larry was sincere and I did kind of enjoy some of the backstage work.
Once rehearsal was done for the night, I tried to help Larry with some clean up backstage. I was hoping if enough time passed, Jude would already be gone by the time I went out to my car.
No such luck. He was waiting right next to my car, smoking a cigarette. I had no chance of escape. So I sucked it up and walked over to him.
Jude sucked in one last drag of his cigarette before he tossed it to the ground. “So when are we going out again?” It wasn’t a question.
“We’re not,” I offered.
He shook his head. “That wasn’t an option.”
“Why do you want to go out with me?” When I looked into his eyes, I had the answer to my question. He looked at me like he wanted to devour me right there in the parking lot.
He leaned in close and whispered into my ear. “You’re not like anyone I’ve ever gone out with. You’re beautiful and smart. What guy wouldn’t want you?”
A shiver ran threw me as I felt his breath on my neck. I had to admit, that he did turn me on a little bit. But definitely not enough to sit through another date while he talked about himself.
“I have to pass,” I said.
He actually grinned at me. “Don’t think I’m giving up that easily, Maggie.” Without taking his eyes from mine, he ran his thumb down my cheek. Another little shiver ran through my body. “I always get what I want eventually.”
Before I had a chance to respond, he turned and walked away. I exhaled and leaned against my car. What in the world was I doing? What was happening to me?
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